Confessions

I'm about to break the silence.

It has been a month since I've blogged... insanity.

I've states over and over, I don't blog when there's too much to say. Or nothing at all. And lately I've been quite speechless.

I'll state a few things, and soon, when I figure out how to verbalize my thoughts better, my blog will get flooded as usual...

I have a boyfriend. Caleb has been one of my best friends for a while, one of my favorite people on the planet, for a long time.

The past month has been a crazy whirlwind, and I am so happy. And I really don't even know what to say.

God's challenged me a lot. I never realized how much God can strengthen my faith through orchestrating a relationship in my life. I'm not making any claims here. But I know God is involved, and he has a purpose for bringing this in my life right now. Whatever He does with this relationship, I am on board.

Having a Godly man in my life like Caleb is a beautiful thing. And I am thankful. And so, so happy.

There. I posted a really personal blog.

Now let's reflect on that last one I posted in November. Interesting to say the least.

We wait

I love the moments when I just sorta escape from myself and realize I'm happy. Or joyful rather. I've been having these moments a lot lately. It sort of scares me because I did this a lot at Greenville when I was about to graduate. Months before, but nonetheless. It makes me a little scared that a big change is coming. Almost like I just sense it, so my immediate response is to just soak this up.

Ok, so I have felt especially this year that my life will not be able to fit in a planned out scheme. I have felt like I have no place to rest my head. Not in a bad way at all. Just that I don't think I'll be in Jersey forever. And I'm happy here. I truly am. There are moments... I still only live and breathe in confusion most often. It's the water I swim.

But I have a growing awareness that a change is about to happen. Whether it be in a year, a month, or a day. Maybe I'll wake up in an hour to some crazy news. Who knows. But my spirit is stirred.

I'm aware again of the word God spoke to me last New Years. He has given me a new dream. To be honest, I'm not completely sure I can even pinpoint what the "new dream" is. I feel like I've been released to be released. As in, I don't need to live in a box. I don't believe I'm called to one place.

A friend shared in my Bible study how he knows he is called to stay in Jersey. And He hasn't left. He knew his calling was here, and still is.

M heart creaked like someone was walking on a shaky bridge. Because I can't balance my spirit "trying on" that calling. I just don't feel like I can embrace that.

God is teaching me to embrace where I am.

It screams at me, and nearly chokes me with the weight of freedom and conviction when I hear things like, " God can only use you where you are," and how we're called to love people, no matter where we are.

A great many things God has done in my heart this year.

I realize December starts next week. And so begins the exhaustive reflection of the year that is past, and yet still passing, moment by moment.

So. A new dream. To live my life no matter where I am. To love no matter how much it hurts to leave. To trust when the fog is so dense, all flights to understanding (or Nashville) are canceled. To spell words with alphabet soup that has gluten in it (therefore makes me sick). This is all metaphoric... mostly...

But some change is about to occur. I know it. And so we wait.

Praise the One who paid my debt

Yeah... so... something God is definitely challenging me with is my money. now that I'm actually making a little bit, all I wanna do is save it. I hate spending it. I have buyer's remorse and I just want to save it. I know what it's like to have nothing, and to have something makes me wanna just save everything, so that I don't have to deal with having nothing again.

So... I was thinking today as I was attempting to put make up on for a wedding I had like 3 minutes to get ready for...

As I wrestled with the brushes in eyeshadow, and tried not to spill it all over my clothes (I love thrift stores), I mentioned to God "You know, if I used all my tithing money, I could get out of debt..." student loans start in a few weeks...

So this seriously broke me... as I was half kidding with God about using "my" money for getting out of debt, He very strongly laid it on my heart that He already got me out of debt.

So my attention has been redirected... the only debt that matters is the one that has been paid with the blood of a spotless Lamb, and coated over me. Debt, now paid.

So yeah. That's my "two cents." In every sense of the phrase.

Green

OK there are a great many things I could blog about right now. I just got back from Nashville. I could write endlessly about the things on my mind. I am exactly female. I can talk for ever. My apologies.

But you know what? I'm not gonna write about that right now.

Because something is increasingly weighing on me.

Something God keeps bringing to my attention.

Over and over.

And over again.

I've said it before... to be satisfied with something, you have to have enough of it in you to be satisfied.

Ok... so you know how people say, "Jesus is enough for me. I am satisfied with God." And it's this heart-aching, gut-wrenching thing to say because with all your heart you want it to be true but it just feels like it's just not? You hate yourself for it, but it's the truth. You don't feel Him being enough. You don't feel satisfied. You still feel like you're left wanting.

I'm gonna be honest. I feel like that more often than not. I am constantly eating my fill, then expecting the magic fairy dust of intimacy with Christ to last a lifetime because of one time with God in the night.

A relationship is work. We all know this. We've experienced what it's like to "do all the work."

And I constantly leave all the work to God.

What I'm getting at, is I want to be satisfied. All the time. At every moment. Not just at random moments... gosh I just truly long for the other side of heaven... when I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Tonight that Psalm I've heard a thousand times and again means something sweet. He is my Shepherd, and I will not want. I will not grow tired and give up on my constant pursuit of my Savior. I will be satisfied because I am full of Him. He gives me peace, He gives me rest. The leaves are frozen off the trees, but His grass is green. And I will dwell in His house forever... gosh I just can't wait for that.

Psalm 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Here I am...

So God just did something cool.

I just got in bed. I am exhausted.

I got in bed after I meant to. I had a lot to do tonight...

So... a song starts playing in my head. The words come easily.

I've never heard this song before.

Yes... God chose a perfect time when my distractions are melting away... a perfect time to give me a song.

So I realized something. Or more I believe it's a Godthing, that He just bonked me on the head with...

I can say "here I am Lord, send me!" And sometimes that means only a few feet away to my piano in the middle of the night.

So I only wrote a chorus and a bridge. But maybe that's all He had to give me tonight.

And it sounds slightly like some other stuff I've been working on. However, just as I shouldn't complain if God brings me to a new and weird place, or an old familiar place, He is genuine and authentic, and perfectly, awesomely in control. If my songs sound like something else, so be it. He is giving me music, and I will sing it.

There's another thing. God is communicating with me. He communicates with me through music, quite often. He knows me... He knows I listen when it's sung. Like I can't accept something I'm going through until it's a melody. It's just me... I'm a dork sometimes. But I love how God humors me like this. And I'm not saying I find it funny He chose when I'm falling asleep to speak pretty melodies to me. In fact, I am rather unamused. I'm a little angry actually.

But. That's gonna be a new thing for me. Here I am Lord. Send me. To my piano. Whenever You see fit.

Stick uh gum

God is so organized. As a teacher, I am more and more aware of how organized God is. And how unorganized I am. Trying to keep track of what my students have learned, are struggling to learn, and have not learned… I get behind.

God is so organized in my life in how He teaches me one thing, and then keeps it as a theme for more things as He takes me deeper.

I recently wrote about Moses. You know… I had dubbed Moses actually really differently than a lot of people tend to. I guess I’ve always seen him as the underdog. The unlikely candidate for some huge God stuff. I know he was called the most humble man alive at some point. That’s cool. But I guess I just assumed that was cause he knew he didn’t have much to offer without God.

Basically, I saw him as lowly, and never really saw how powerful of a Man of God he was.

Exodus 33:15 says “… if your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.”

Moses found his strength and his fullest desire met with the presence of God. To the point that he was not willing to let the presence of God depart from him, even if that meant staying put where he was in the middle of nowhere with the Israelites who would never stop complaining about anything.

He was satisfied with the presence of God.

As a teacher, I think about my students. They complain all the time. They complain about things I know are silly. I know better. Moses knew better too when the People wouldn’t stop nagging him.

But he was still satisfied. Moses was still satisfied with the presence of God. He would rather stay where he was, likely making the Israelites even more upset. As long as the presence of God did not flee from them.

I imagine what kind of radical faith that takes… I don’t know that I have that. I love my students. Truly, I do. So don’t misread this example. But would I choose to stay teaching and working with all these kids nonstop instead of get time to breathe? If the presence of God were the differing factor? I like to think I would. I want the presence of God to satisfy me that deeply.

The word satisfied makes me think of Thanksgiving. When we’re satisfied, and needing nothing ( as in food), we usually sorta just chill and hang out with the fam, right? We appreciate just being together. Somehow the word “satisfy” just makes me think of that moment we all retire into watching the game, reading, just talking or laughing with family…

Satisfy comes from a Latin word which means enough or sufficient. It means we’re lacking nothing.

How satisfied am I with the presence of God? Am I filled enough to BE satisfied in the first place? What would it take for me to be filled with the presence of God, so that I am satisfied?

I’m not satisfied like I am on Thanksgiving when I just grab a protein bar before I head to work.

I’m not satisfied when I pop in a piece of gum to distract me from being hungry when I’m working a long day.

And so can be my relationship with God. Like a stick of gum.

Adorable

Quotes of the day:

"Ms. Williams? WHEN are you finally gonna get married?"

"I don't know! When God brings me the right guy!"

With an adorbs sincere and encouraging facial expression...."Don't worry Ms. Williams. You'll find someone someday. I know it."

It was precious coming from one of my adorable 7-year-old boys. I'm not really worried, but it was precious.

The bush isn't burning

So yesterday I went to NYC for a Christian Teacher's Convention thing. It was really cool. It was helpful, as I am a teacher. I still can't get over that sometimes...

Anyway, there was this pastor who spoke at the end. And I'm not sure exactly what he said, cause I was mentally and physically exhausted. But so typical... when people speak, sometimes God takes one small thing they say and drills it into me in a different way. Like God catches a curve ball and throws it a little more off course back to me.

The pastor mentioned Moses. I feel like everyone keeps talking about Moses. Moses Moses Moses. And I'm not even at Greenville anymore... (the internet named Moses...)

Anyway, I felt like God was like, "hey wake up..." and my mind wandered a little. Something the pastor said (that I can't remember) made me think "Well dangit, if God spoke to me from a burning bush, shoot dang. I'd listen."

So God comes back at me to basically say, "Shaina. Joy. If you're waiting for a burning bush... it's not gonna happen."

You know how people test God? They put "fleeces" out to see if God will respond to give a sign. Something to encourages us that He's speaking to us, and it's not us messing with our own minds.

So, while I continued to battle my heavy eyelids, God brought a few things to my head.

Like He was saying, "Oh my gosh, you are crafted to reflect me... you love being creative. Let me be creative too."

Like He's saying to stop looking for a burning bush to get my attention. He's gonna do it in new ways. Creative ways. Don't relate everything back to what's already been done.

My expectations of His creativity are too low.

I ask God to do stuff in my life. I ask Him to give me creativity. I'm an artist, you know? Like, i ask Him to inspire me, and to give me words and music. Help me interpret my own art. Haha oh my gosh... I can only receive what He has to give. He gives me creativity. Because He has it.

It's like if I watched the same movie for the rest of my life, and never considered that there could be another really cool one out there, lat alone thousands.

The burning bush was awesome, but He's got more where that came from. That wasn't the only trick He's got up His sleeve.

Whoever walked away from amazing magician after one trick, or just wanted to see the same thing over and over?

So this is the fact, and I'm not sure how to apply it as wisdom yet.

But I think this is a really cool concept... there's more we haven't heard of yet. There's more to what God is up to. He's not the kind to constantly use the same directions or "wow" factors. Sometimes He's got a back road, or something cool to show us in a direction we did not map out for ourselves. Maybe He's gonna get our attention by flying pigs this time... but come on. He gives creativity because He has it to give. Because He holds it all. He created creativity. He didn't even need to be inspired to do so. Inspiration is something we require. But He didn't even need that.

That blows my mind. And let's me relax when I don't see a burning bush.

This is a pointless blog

I've been miserable. Sick sick sick. Why why why.

I think I may have gotten a sinus infection. The past 2 weeks I've been gross.

Anyway... I just feel like writing. I feel like writing a song actually. But I really can't sing very well. Which is a bad thing cause Zach Caleigh and I are recording in Nashville in a little over 2 weeks. Yeah. We need to get better.

I've been writing a lot lately. Cowriting really. It is therapeutic. So so so good to do. Musical accountability and stuff, and just refreshing as a whole.

It is wonderful.

You know, I don't really feel like writing so much anymore. Sorry.

Do work

A great many things on my mind this evening... it's past the time I wanted to be asleep. But what else is new. Some days I wake up thinking that. The days are long, my friends. The days are long.

God's been putting some intense stuff on my heart. I want to share it with you. As you may know, I fully believe that anything and everything God does and says to us if for the good of the Body. It all is good and useful for the Body of Christ.

So some background. Blakeley and I have some hilarious inside jokes about "the farm" and "the city." I can't get into it. But one day we were praying together on the phone... so cool... and God is so funny. He basically spoke to us while we were praying to say, "it's not about the farm or the city silly girls... it's about my Kingdom."

What is so awesome about God... is He speaks our language. That's such a cool thing, because our language is so beneath Him. Really...

But the gifts He gives us... are of Him. Like my ridiculous metaphors. God gave me a funky brain that comes up with those things. You know it... I'm a mess of weirdness of words and such. But God inspired that. He gave me that ability. That "gift" if you will.

And sometimes He speaks to me through it.

That is very cool. That He uses His own giftings to talk to us. He talks to us in ways we enjoy. That is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Ok, so the past few days God keeps putting these random words on my heart. "Kingdom work." Seriously, it's like the two words are a catchy song I can't get out of my head.

So here's what God's showing me: Kingdom work, is "work" that benefits His kingdom. The things I do or say. All of it. When I wake up and grumble cause the sun has not yet risen, and my body aches with shivers and my nose is still congested... my job is kingdom work. Even aside form it working with kids all day and having the blessing to talk about God if I want to and when I want through the day... people are the Kingdom. And God entrusts us His Kingdom to build up, and to bless.

Everything we do should be "Kingdom work." Building His kingdom.

When I was so spent already from a long day at work, I traveled into the pine barrens to teach a few more piano lessons. And it was just so clear to my heart: I was presented with the options of letting the task before me slide by as a normal task to place a check mark by an hour later, or it could be kingdom work. The kind that God could stamp a "Well done good and faithful servant" mark on.

Ohhhh how I want it to be the good and faithful servant stuff!!

So that's my thought right now.

Tomorrow is another day to do work. Kingdom work. I know it might sound like silly words, but really. What we do is kingdom work.

Also, slightly random, I've been thinking about this too... the guy I marry should be someone who does kingdom work, too. And someone who, together, we can accomplish more kingdom work than we could by ourselves. Otherwise, it's not worth it. Because everything we do with our lives should be kingdom work, and should be things that benefit God and His kingdom.

So I got to thinking a little about that... getting married in my opinion, and in my life, should be because the guy makes the girl better, and the girl makes the guy better. If not, that's so lame.

Ok, I'm going to bed!!

Early morning... like every morning... I'm not complaining. I promise. I could never.

The one I want

I would just like to say I love this song Zach and I wrote a year or so ago. He doesn't like it cause we're not in love. We're brother and sister and he feels uncomfs to sing it togeths. Loser.




I love this song.

Apple trees

So. Since I'm sick and couldn't fall asleep till like 5 am, I didn't go to church today. But I woke up around 10:30-11ish. So I rolled with the punches... trust me that felt like a punch. Seriously.

So, I had some devotions. I'm gonna talk about what God's impressing on my heart.

I love sharing what God tells me. I am so fully convinced that we are supposed to share with people what God tells us. He is truth. He is for the good of every part and piece of the Body. We all need it. What He tells me is not to be kept under a bush. I should tell people. And what he tells you... dangit tell me too.

So, I wrote last night (or a few hours ago really...) about fixing our eyes on Jesus. Well, I've been studying James lately for a Bible study. And yeah. Totes awesome.

So I wrote a few weeks ago about "keeping our options open." Like when we "doubt" God, we keep other options open. When we seek for answers, and ask God for them, but keep looking around to see if an answer falls from another tree, and not the one we're standing in front of -- God. he is the Tree of Life. Vitality only comes from this One Tree. Truth. He is the only truth.

It was so cool in my devo book. Someone called wisdom " the discipline of applying truth to one's life in the light of experience." So cool. So... why is wisdom important? Why can't we just focus on perseverance in trials and confusion?

I think it's like this: Wisdom is the mind. The brain. The ability to receive answers. Perseverance is the muscle. It's the arms like keep pushing even when our biceps cramp us. But the brain is necessary to understand. To comprehend. Sometimes we use our muscles to build something, but just pushing things around aimlessly... we think that as long as our muscles get sore, we're doing a good job. But wisdom... the comprehension of understanding and comprehending how to build... that's what makes the "perseverance" either a success or a folly.

We receive wisdom when we turn our eyes upon Jesus.

And the things or earth grow strangely dim.

I feel like God's telling me to stop looking at my problems even when that's what I come to Him about. Like if I have some situation in my hands, and I'm talking to God about it... I need to give it to Him, and look on HIM. If I'm talking to God, He needs my eyes. Turned to Him. Not my hands. Then it's like I'm keeping my options open... watching my current situation in my small, confused and limited hands. Like I'm expecting an apple to fall from the mess in my hands, instead of the apple tree I'm finding shade under. Then if the apple falls from the tree, I'll only see it on the ground when I look up, and I'll assume it's been rotting on the ground before I walked up to it.

Our faith is perfected in our weakness, because Jesus is the perfecter of our faith. When we turn our eyes on Him, and away from our situations... that's when HE can respond and work. We can receive answers and reassurance when we are watching for His next move, and not just rambling on.

God's been speaking to me about thinking about Him lately. Like, "Shaina. Shut. It. Think about me. " I have a tendency to ramble. Surprising, huh? You'd never guess...

But really. Thinking about Jesus... His love, His presence in the midst of my confusion, frustrations, and joy. He shows me new things. He directs my thoughts. He knows how I work. He speaks to me in ways I get excited about, and relate to. It is so cool. He speaks in metaphors. And I'm like, "YES! High five Love!" It's awesome.

So these are some thoughts God's giving me about Him. I love this. My journey with God is invaluable and I love it and want everyone I know to know it too.

Nocturnal

I can't sleep. Im sick. And I slept all day.

So what am I doing? Well... I'm stalking Blakeley's blog. And something she said was so legit. "I'm in God's shirt pocket. Be still."

Ohhhh my. Life gets hard.

You know what's cool? I just decided to take moment to talk to God a little before trying to sleep again... and when I write (i usually just write to Him, cause my mind wanders...) He always speaks to me when I'm attentive. And it's so cool that He never sleeps. And just like we're to pray without ceasing (which is a two way ordeal) God is willing and ready to communicate to us without ceasing.

I tend to write to God very poetically. I like to overdo it in my own words, because I can't overdo anything with God. He gets me. And I love that. What a rest in that... unlike my bed tonight...

But I was writing about how it's hard to trust Him sometimes. It is. I know I forget things He's done and His faithfulness... it's lame but I'm so human and my cup is so shallow that for Him to let my cup "runeth over" it really doesn't take much. Sometimes I think that what "overflows" from God is the stuff I forget and it gets lost cause I'm too shallow a cup to retain... sorry I'm tired and severely wishing I were asleep, but God impressed something on my heart and I should write about it before I think this whole foggy night was a dream when I wake in the morn.

So, God is my Love, my Life, and my Light. I've been thinking about that. He is everything I mistake a guy for. You know. What I dream of in a guy, is really just exactly what God is, just on the surface. He is the Love I've dreamed of wearing a white dress for. The best is, He made my heart perfectly white, and I get to wear that for all of eternity. Not just one day.

He is my Life. He is the vitality that runs through me, aside from any humanly perceivable evidence of strength. My faith and the truth of God's love and character are not based on how awake and revived I feel on a given day. He is Life, regardless of how much of it you can detect in my eyes.

And He is my Light. This is something really cool God put in my heart when I was writing. He is my light, even when I close my eyes.

I think I close my eyes a lot. Because I am in the dark so often.

Yet I know full well I am out of darkness, out of hiding, out of shame, and justified.

Yet, though there is Light, I close my eyes sometimes.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

So when my eyes are close, for whatever reason... heartache, headache, confusion, disappointment, "the closing of the eyes when I cannot bear what's outside"...

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

My faith is perfected by Jesus...

So even if my eyes are closed, He is in my heart and in my head if I let Him dwell in the inner most parts of my being. That even in times I close my eyes, my faith is strong because my eyes are fixed on Him.

I know this is tightly spun and confusing... it's almost 5 am... I know I've slept a little tonight but not as much as I need.

But I love that God is awake at all hours, and tells me things, even when I wish I were asleep.

So while my eyes are closed in slumber, He remains my Light, this night.

Good night.

Whatcha see is whatcha get

I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom. I have one lamp on, and my toes are cold. My bangs are pinned back, as is the custom after I get home after a long day. I just printed out all the Latin pages I'm assigning my students tomorrow. I wish I were at Greenville for Homecoming. I've been planning on going for months. Yet, things just happen. What can ya do...

I don't think I've really written a thoughtful blog for a while. Which is weird. I guess sometimes I forget to be the dreamy lost in my thoughts type of person when my thoughts become the things that I have to say out loud when I'm standing in front of a dry erase board with a blue marker in my hands.

But really, I have been thoughtful. Too thoughtful, really. I've almost finished another journal that I started August 28th. Yeah... we've been through this before. I write all the time. If I don't blog, it only means it's coming forth in fruitful amounts elsewhere.

No exceptions this time.

I'm gonna make some peppermint tea, and wash my face. Then head to bed. I'll be glad for it in the morning. I won't miss anything tonight... I'm just glad to relax. Seriously... and tomorrow I have a photo shoot with Zach and Caleigh for music... I don't much like pictures. I never do. I actually can't stand them. I feel so weird. But oh such is life.

I should have planned better with my hair maybe. Oh gosh, I just am not good at this stuff. I'm a whatcha see is whatcha get type of person... so if the pictures come out that way, I shouldn't complain, right?

Ok. Yeah. Too thoughtful. I'm just gonna get the hot water going. Bone nuit!

From the mouths of babes

Wee babes to be exact. Some of these kids are but 5 years old. My students... gosh. If you wanna stay young (not that I have much to worry about...) just work with kids. They are HILARIOUS. I've never worked with this many every single day quite like I do now.

So here are some quotes. Seriously, this is just so funny. I started keeping a little notebook of just my kids' quotes.

1. "Are you wearing a cowgirl costume?" I had my hair down... whoops.

2. "You shouldn't wear mascara because it makes you look punky." He sounded so pained as he told me. So I took his advice and didn't wear it today.

3. "Ms. Williams..." very pained and concerned sounding... "I feel... I feel... weird." "Weird? Do you feel sick?" "No, I just feel weird!" That conversation got nowhere, and he just turned back to his seat work and finished it and never said anything else. Ok then.

4. (Today) "Does my hair make me look like a cowgirl today?" I wore it down again... "No." He told me confidently. "But it does look like you just got out of a pool." Hey. We all have to start somewhere.

Two of my boys told me they're clothes designers today. So they made me some sketches of some dresses they think I'd look nice in. Haha, seriously... I'm having so much fun.

I want both

So I have a jolly good time with my students. I teach a lot of people. I teach piano and voice lessons in addition to 2nd grade.

So, lately, God has honestly been so real to me. I mean, sometimes I definitely pull that, "I feel far from God" stuff, and I'm not lying... sometimes I really am. But recently, I don't know what's in my drink, but I keep finding Him speaking to me in ways that make me laugh. I'm not always looking for it, but He's made me very keenly aware of Himself.

Today I was teaching my last voice student. A little boy. And He was so impatient. He kept saying, "Are we done!?" And that's not a happy thing for the teacher. It's just like, "Just tell me you hate me, and I'll let you go. Forget about imparting my passion on your young soul." Haha, no but for real. It's not what teachers like to hear.

So I asked him, "You want to watch the movie right?" The kids down the hall at the school were watching a movie in the After Care program.

"Yes! And I want to watch it!" He told me. His eyes were pleading with me. "They're all out there, and they're having fun without me!"

"But you're in here having fun without them!" I told him with a smile. Trying to use his own logic against him.

"But I want both!" He told me, displeased with the situation.

You probably see where I'm going with this.

Alas, The Lord uses a child to get my attention.

So often are we-- am I-- displeased with my situations. My circumstances. So often I voice my student's same complaint. "They're over there having fun and I'm over here having fun, and I want both and I'm mad about it and I'm gonna complain the whole time I'm over here while they're over there to the point that while I'm over here having fun I'm not having fun at all."

Yes. That was a run-on. And that's exactly how it sounds.

So Jesus tapped me on the shoulder while I listened to this young child today. Like He was looking at me and giving me a look that said, "Hah... you have more in common with this kid than ya thought, huh?"

Yes. I could relate. So while I'm over here in this place in life so much different than many of my friends, I'm gonna enjoy it. Not on my own, but with the One who stalks me like the moon stalks the sun. Ahhhh my Jesus is so sweet. So good to me.

While I say to God, "I want both!" more and more He's showing me I have it all in Him. Every desire and dream I have is a reflection of my innate desire for Him. I want both, and have it all.

Lessons I've learned from wee babes

Today, these were the priceless things I learned from my students today:


1. I don't know how to have fun because I have never watched Dragon Ball Z (or however you spell that title)

2. I'm too serious because I watch less than 4 hours of tv a day (they were stuck on tv today I guess)

3. (while student wouldn't stop playing the piano when I was trying to play for him for a voice lesson) "I love you Ms. Williams, but I love the piano too." "Nuff said.

4. My earrings are real zebras (not sure how that came about, but I said it was true anyway).

5. I looked pretty yesterday. Told to me today.

6. I should go home to watch Sponegbob. (seriously, they all want me to watch more tv)

7. I should be a Lady Bug for Halloween.

8. Now they think I'm 11. At least it's better than them thinking I'm 40.

Spent

Maybe I'll make a come back at this month's number of blogs... I can't believe it was only 4 last month...

Ok! So my small group is going through Drawing Near by John Bevere. Amazing book. Read it.

And I realized I could relate to how John writes. God speaks to him when he writes, and sometimes God gives him funny little things here and there out of nowhere. God gave me a creative mind. He relates Himself to me in weird ways sometimes.

I intend to share the things God shares with me. I fully believe no word from God is to be hidden under a bush. It's all for the good of the Body.

So as I was having my quiet time tonight, I had a vision. I know, some people don't pay attention to that stuff and think it's over rated and stuff. Shame on us for thinking that. God still speaks in ways we don't expect or even honor or appreciate. As a side note, I need to be more open to God speaking to me in ways that I'm a little critical of.

Anyway, I had a vision, that Jesus turned my face towards Himself, and then got down on one knee and held my hands in His. Like He was proposing to me. But instead, the words He laid on my heart were not "be my wife" but these...

"Let me spend my life with you! Let me spend my life ON you!"

My gosh... it was not just an invitation to spend MY life with HIM, but for Him to spend HIS with ME.

To spend it not only with me, but ON me. That means all His efforts and vitality used on my behalf.

Do you get this!? This is real... God esteems us as more important than himself. That's something we've been reading in Drawing Near. How God would never ask us to do something that He doesn't already practice Himself.

He demonstrates what He asks of us to do.

We respond having first seen the model of what to do.

He asks to spend His life on me.

And now I should know how to spend my life on Him.

He is immeasurable. Unsurmountable. No pennies that my 2nd graders can add up could begin to show His worth. The worth of His life is what is merely REFLECTED in us.... like I blogged yesterday... the whole reflection thing God's been speaking to me.

So He is overflowing with worth. To the point we grasp at the overflow and reflect Him in our own lives.

Yet the immeasurable wealth of His being... He chooses to spend on us.

That is something I can't keep to myself tonight. Another night I should be asleep... long day tomorrow...

I want to be able to come to God every day before I go to bed and be able to say with a pure heart to God, "I'm spent."

On Him.

Reflections lost at sea

September 2011 is officially the month I blogged least since I started this blog nearly two years ago.

That said, let's get going on October.

So I'm studying James right now. And I decided I'd go through it with a few different translations, and also with a friend, Lesa. It's been very cool. She is sooo mway fab!

So I've read a little bit in The Message translation. I know it's controversial to use The Message, but I think it's just like hearing someone preach on a passage in scripture. It's a little different, and not word for word, but interesting and adds perspective. I know Greek. I could not accept The Message as the Bible. Anyway, it actually really struck a chord in me.

James 1:7-8 says "Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who 'worry their prayers' are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all of your options open. "

Dang. It.

Ok, so you know what? I keep my options open. In several areas of life.I doubt. Doubting isn't just about God's existence, but His character. When I say, "Yes! That was a Godthing! Thanks God!" but when something else comes along that dazzles my fancy, I'm suddenly right there. Suddenly the "Godthing" becomes a "thanks for holding me over before I decide to get what I want" aka "Not God." aka "my plans."

This is so skewed.

God spoke something to my heart today. When I write, God speaks to me. He inspires me. He write words through my own hands, and causes me to understand.

I live on a lake. It's really pretty, and really reflective. The water reflects to trees, and the houses, and the clouds, and most powerfully, the sun. Sometimes the sun is soooo brightly reflected it hurts my eyes. I'm captivated by the image. The reflection. It's beautiful!

So now... how much more powerful is what is actually REFLECTED?! The sun. I can hardly look into the few feet of reflection in the water. How much more can I NOT bear the entire sun in it's enormity and insane hotness?

So many gifts and blessings God gives are mere reflections. Relationships and friendships model a reflection. They are not the "real thing." They reflect. They only give a glimpse.

A reflection of a glass of water will never satisfy a thirst.

A reflection of a bed with brilliant white puffy pillows will never make me feel revived and rested.

God is the Light. Powerful enough and strong enough to be reflected from far far away, and even in the midst of darkness. In DARKNESS. God chooses to let us be a reflection of Him, when we have nothing to hold the reflection. Think about that... we were lost in darkness. Darkness cannot contain light. It cannot reflect light. yet against all reason, God made a way to allow us to be a reflection of Him.

But that is all... we are a reflection. Reflections point to the real thing. They have to be facing the real thing. And they are only faint in comparison.

So... that's my two cents. When I keep my "options open" like a wind blown wave, it becomes obvious that I'm trusting reflections to keep me satisfied, rested and revived... no good.

Connect the dots

There are so many things I could write about tonight. One of them being how badly I just need to sleep...

So... I'm just gonna say my life is so crazy, and I love it and get frustrated with it.

This past weekend I went to Greenville.

Oh, the times I cried. I cried a lot actually. For me, not really exactly expecting to cry... that's all it takes. I never cry when I expect to.

Since this summer, my whole life has changed. Because my heart has changed. Not because I am living in Jersey, and because of where I'm working, though those things influence what music plays on the dance floor of my heart... it's not what makes the dance floor.

No, no, no. My heart has changed.

I just described it to my best friend as feeling like until this Summer, in many ways I've lived my life like it's a cardboard box.

I used to always imagine weird things when i'd lie in bed at night. I like writing letters to people and I used to send packages and stuff to pen pals and all that. I would lay in bed, and think of the four walls around my bedroom being like the boxes I'd send my friends.

It's weird, I know. You'd been warned.

But I'd imagine what it'd be like if someone opened the roof of my bedroom, and found me inside. I thought it'd be cool to send myself to someone. Hahha, yeah i was like 10 so don't make fun.

So... now let's go with this... I've lived my life that way a little bit. But the box top had never been opened. Until this Summer.

And now that the box has been opened, that means that I've been shipped, and landed in the right Hands.

And I know I have.

So now the box is open, and the roof is so much higher... there is so much to be done and so much to be lived and so much hope. Oh there is so much hope!

My life is one series of question marks after another. And questions are not mistakes. Questions are merely a response to what is to come... to the anticipation we feel. We're always anticipating. We're always trying to connect the dots, even when we don't know what number comes next.

So I guess I can say i've just gotten flooded with a series of numbers in my life of Connect the Dots.

And what is ridiculous with letting God drive the pen that connects the dots... is I have no idea how the heck this Guy counts. Cause it's not 1....2....3.... no I've never seen some of these numbers God connects the path to. I can't tell if He's counting by 10's or 5's or 13's or 405's. You know what I mean. It's not simple.

But I don't want to dwell in the fact that I don't understand God sized mathematics. I'll stick to teaching 2nd grade math. Because that's about all I can handle.

But we don't need to understand the numbers. We don't need to understand why one dot connects to the other.

We're in a box. We're in the right hands. Those hands have opened the box. And we can stay in the cardboard, or get out and follow His hilarious and hopeful leading to wherever He's inviting us to go.

Goodnight.

107 days

Tonight, something very cool occurred. I finished that read through the Bible plan thing. So it was supposed to be 90 days, and my goal was finishing this Summer. It took me 107 days. But, gosh. It changes a person, to read that much, so consistently.

Ok, so I want to tell you the things that stood out to me. I can honestly pinpoint them. Yes, after reading the entire Bible, I come away with like, 3 things. But these things are the 3 things that have seriously changed me, and affected me deeply.

So I've blogged about some of this already, but I the 1st thing I really learned, is how real life the Israelites are in the Old Testament.

When they'd constantly complain that they wanted to go back to Egypt, it is so easy to say "Dudes, get a grip. You were slaves. Why would you want to go back!?"

But when God leads us somewhere new, it's so easy to say, "I want to go back." It was easier back then. We knew what we were doing. We understood our purpose. We knew people. We loved people. We don't like all the new stuff.

I fought with God a lot this Summer. I didn't like where my life was. I didn't like the total loss of control. I hated it.

A lot of true colors showed up in me... and in God. Talk about double rainbow with that Guy...

Anyway, I learned that I might not have been a slave in the places of my past like the Israelites were, but if I stay were I'm safe, I become confined. And being confined is a type of slavery.

No good. No good a'tall!

Number 2!

I learned that when God makes us wait, there is a purpose. Like in Acts, when Jesus got the apostles all hyped up for what He's about to do through them, then says, "Oh hey. Wait here first." then goes back to heaven. Talk about disappointment.

I relate though. Like the music things in Nashville. God plants all this affirmation and excitement in me for Nashville. Then brings me back to Jersey, and says, "Wait here first."

But just like the apostles saw an outpouring of the Holy Spirit come because they waited, I'm believing that I will see an outpouring of the Holy Spirit in my life too.

And lastly, Number 3!

Reading through Acts and then the whole rest of Paul's letters really got to me this time. I understood how painful it was to live a life overflowing with love. How he deeply loved the people he ministered to. The aching in his writing every book he wrote.... when he'd say, "I long to come see you..." and all of his "Say hi to so and so" ... suddenly the whole New Testament became so precious and so full of love... every book I read held a lot more to me, after understanding what Paul did with his life as a response to God.

So, since God's really made sense of this to me, I've realized something. My precious students are the new people God has given me to love. I will always always always love my friends at Greenville. Always. That won't change. It hurts to be away from them. But now I have new people to love. And I want to love them.

So. These are the major themes God has imprinted on me from reading the entire Bible in 107 days.

If you're not good at reading the Bible... try this web site. There at 23 different Bible reading plans. SOOOO AWESOME! I just found the site. I love it.

http://alextran.org/2007/11/25/23-bible-reading-plans-that-will-satisfy-anyone/

Look

It's been on my heart to talk about something. It's kind of odd to me, why I feel like I need to write about this, but then again, maybe it's not.

I want to talk about Christianity. Salvation. The heart. The whole ordeal of, "Jesus, come into my heart."

It's so elementary, right?

You know what... I'm not sure it is.

I think it's sometimes overshadowed.

I know that not everyone who reads my blog is a Christian too. I realize that. And I want to talk about what I believe. What I believe is true. Completely true.

I believe that salvation is personal. That it's between one person, and God. I don't believe anyone else is involved in the decision to believe in God, and acknowledge Jesus.

I think other people become involved after the fact of salvation. Because we need encouragement and support form other people.

I believe that the fact of Jesus dying on the cross means nothing unless we acknowledge it and accept it. The New Testament talks about how the "Son of man must be lifted up, just as the serpent was lifted up." That's a reference back to the Old Testament, in the book of Numbers, when the Israelites were attacked by venomous snakes. God told Moses to lift up a bronze (i think?) serpent, and that anyone who looked at it, would not die. And they would live. Anyone who didn't look at it, died.

So when people purpose the idea of a universalism idea about God... I don't agree with it.

The fact of that bronze serpent existing didn't save the people. They had to look at it. LOOK, and SEE it.

Just the fact that it was there, was secondary.

So I believe that just the fact that Jesus died is secondary. We have to LOOK at Him. SEE Him.

Jesus is the only way. It's not the fact that He exists, or that God exists. But that we Acknowledge it. That we look at Him. Walk into Him like walking into a brick wall. Get close. Get real.

So if you haven't looked at Him... do it. Look at Him, and see Him. If you're not sure you want to... do it anything. Do hard things. Do it even though it feels weird to think about "accepting salvation."

I know the fancy talk that Christians use can be frustrating. But don't get frustrated by that. Make a choice yourself, unaffected by what other people are saying.

Because it's a choice you make. Not someone else.

Look at Him.

Deeply

I've been reading through Acts. It's become one of my favorite things to read. God keeps showing me more and more things.

One thing lately that I've just been so broken about, is missing all of my friends from school.

I am a really deep person. Everything I do is deep... when I talk to people, pray for them, think about them... it's all very real and deep. It can get people like me in trouble. It's not that we wear our hearts on our sleeves... our hearts literally clothe us. it's more that we connect our hearts to everyone else's we meet, and then when the day comes when we leave those people, our very core seems to snap.

How can I leave the people I've loved so deeply for so long? Some not so long, but deeply still.

But isn't this the life God calls us to live? To love deeply. To make people the perfect basin to pour our love into.

The greatest commandments are to love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself.

There can be nothing more painful.

I know this all may sound girly and silly in some ways. Ah but such is my heart.

I love reading the book of Acts, because now the entire rest of the New Testament makes so much more sense! All his letters, the other books in the Bible... his deep yearnings to be with those he loves so deeply, even though he was so far from them. People he lived with for years. People he ministered to, and ministered to him...

I can relate.

He devoted his entire life to traveling and spreading the gospel.

He devoted his life to loving people... and above all following where God took him. Sometimes that included places away from the people he loved so deeply.

Ahhhhh my heart just aches having left one place. Greenville. So many people so precious to me. So deeply, deeply precious to me. The people that I prayed for, that held me as I cried, that knocked on the wall and waited for me to knock back, that sang with me, that played guitar for me, that met me for coffee, that ate weird fruit with me, that prayed for me, that were next to me in class, and across the campus from me as I walked there...

I had to leave. I had to do something new. Yeah yeah, I had to graduate. But, God had something new for me. He had to take me somewhere new.

Loving so many people is such a heartbreaking thing when we live a life that is devoted to God. Because it's hard to follow God when he takes us away. Like Paul's life. So many passages in Acts talk about how many tears were shed when Paul would leave people.

But such is a life devoted to God. So full of love it hurts. So deeply devoted to love, so deeply devoted to each other.

Good times!

I LOVEEEE recording with Zach and Cal.

It is so right that we're all in the same state. So right.

Three siblings with harmonies sounds so lovely. I love this. May it be forevermore amen!

Something else

Back in April, I was reading through the book of Acts. I felt like God spoke to me through a few passages in Acts, and I referred back to them quite a few times. Now as I start Acts again for this Summer reading plan thing, I can't help but absorb myself in Acts 1:4.

"... Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about."

Now this is about the gift of the baptism of the Holy Spirit.

But it stuns me. Because I find such common ground.

Jesus rose from the dead. He amazed His apostles. He was sending them out. He was getting them excited. He showed them signs, and wonders. He told them new things, and was the Good News itself, whom they had walked with, and talked with. How could they bare to stay where they were when they had such crazy amazing news they witnessed first hand!?

Jesus told them to go out. To make disciples. Why was He going back and saying, "Wait there. Put on the breaks. You need to stay here first."

I wonder if they were confused. I wonder if they were frustrated. I wonder if some of them didn't listen, and left Jerusalem.

He got them excited, then went back on it.

To make it even more unbearable, right after Jesus told them to wait, and to stay where they were a little longer, He went back up to heaven.

If I were them, I'd want my money back.

Because gosh, just think about it! Jesus did amazing things, then died and rose from the dead. Then said to go and tell all the world about it. They probably couldn't wait to do it!

Then He says to wait, and stay where they were.

Then ascends into heaven.

As if they needed one MORE thing to drive them crazy about staying put for a while.

They had questioned Jesus, and He basically told them not to worry about the details, even though they were just trying to make sense of it.

Then the pouring out of the Holy Spirit is what prepared them, equipped them for their task. For going out, and making disciples.

They had to stay where they were, to wait for the gift Jesus had talked about.

It makes me reflect on something God's impressed on my heart this year. That He's giving me a new dream. I've blogged about this a lot. I know God has seriously warned me things are going to be different than I thought in my life. He made me excited. He healed me of some crap. He restored me, and gave me the capability to carry more of Himself. He was giving me something new. I couldn't wait to live it.

I was all ready to move to Nashville. Now I'm a 2nd grade teacher in New Jersey.

Guns. Have. Sons.

So God is telling me, through the story of this Summer, " Do not leave, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about."

The gift. The dream. The new dream.

Maybe there's more to it than I received already. Maybe there's something else that I don't quite have, that is completely required for the new dream. Just like the apostles. Just having the Good News didn't cut it. Jesus has something ELSE.

Oi. God doesn't like things to get too boring, now does He?

I won't leave. After this Summer, I would expect a bolt of lightening to snap me into pieces if I tried.

I'm excited for something else.

I'm short

You know what is really calming? The sound of a heart beat.

Somehow, hearing someone else's heart beat is so reassuring.

Have you ever had someone hug you and you could feel it? Hear it?

Maybe I'm just the shortie girl who always comes right about to the atrial section of the body when I hug people... but why is it that it's so calming to me?

It reminds me that there is more. That I am not the only one living. I have a companion. Seconds are passing, and time is going on, as counted by the steady pumping I can feel inside my own heart.

When I hear someone else's heart beat, it's almost like I'm under water.

I like being under water. When my hair is like a mermaid's, under the surface tension, warm and unrestrained.

I feel like God is holding me very near. So close to Him. Close to His heart. So I can hear it beating. Like it's the way He brings me calm. There is more. There is. There is more. And I have a companion.

I know this blog is maybe a little weird. Maybe creepy to some. But it's times like this (metaphorically) that God makes my shortie height perfect. That when he draws me in, He brings me right to His heart. Where I'm safe. Where I'm warm. Where I'm calm, even though my own heart sings of chaos and confusion.

I love being close to my Father's heart.

Fish and bread

I'm having one of those nights... I had a great day with some friends today. Survived an earthquake, a hurricane, and tornado warning in the same five days. Life's been exciting, and good. Right?

It really has.

But I find myself aching over some things. I find myself throbbing worse than that 30 second tremor last Tuesday. Everyone is back at Greenville now, and it's honestly making me just miss everyone so badly. I love people so deeply. And I just miss them.

So my heart is heavy tonight for a few reasons. And one of them, is I just do not know what God is doing. I don't know how He's going to make things work in my life.

This is absurd. Read my past blogs this Summer. God has done miracle after miracle in my life. I'm astounded. I shouldn't despair, and yet I do. Oh me of little, little faith. While my faith has been added by scores of measures this Summer, I still am finding the places I'm still lacking.

Tonight I read John 6:5-7.


5 When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” 6 He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.

7 Philip answered him, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”


BAHAHAHHA... Jesus was just testing Philip. He ALREADY KNEW what he was gonna do about it.

Then Philip answered in despair. He replied in his uncertainty and fear.

Then God fed five thousand people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.

I relate to Philip. I feel like God's saying, "So Shaina Joy, what we gonna do about this?" Meaning, basically, my dreams. My life. My hopes, my desires. I'm overwhelmed by a few things tonight, hang in there with me. Sorry for being vague...

But my response is, "Lord... I don't know..." My doubt. My lack of faith. My confusion. My pain, and fear.

But you know what... God fed 5,000 people with a small boy's lunch.

I think He can deliver again. I know He can... I'm waiting, and trusting with whatever faith I do have.

I guess tonight, as I go to sleep, I'm offering Him my bread. And my fish.

Sweet home

Aug. 21. 11

Here I am.

There’s a candle burning in front of me. I just lit the match, and caught the flame on the wick in the jar. The fragrance is sweet. Hmmm… since the scent is “Home Sweet Home”, that sounds about right.

This is my first night in my new apartment.

I’m alone. Very reflective. I’ve never been this alone. Not in a bad way. I have my own room for the first time in my life… Zach and I had our own rooms when we were wee babes. But we’d go sleep in each other’s rooms often enough it never mattered. At home (my parent’s house… that’s gonna take a while to get used to…) I shared a room with Caleigh and Soph.

This is a unique experience. I’ve never before lived by myself.

Although, my grandma is on the other side of the wall.

HAH! So… as on my own as I am, it’s still a rather “safe” move.

The apartment is attached to Grandma’s house. I still can’t get to her house unless I go out my door and walk into hers our front. Yet still. It’s a nice thing.

I feel like tonight marks a new thing in my life. The end of something, and the beginning of something else.

I will gladly claim tonight as the end of the horror and frustration of this past summer… review the past blogs after graduation… it was rough. It really was.

But it was a season I could not have done without. I know that so well.

Because God broke me and bent me in ways He never has before. He taught me things I wouldn’t have been able to swallow for the bitterness, if I hadn’t been so starved for God to communicate with me…

It’s just like when you’re hungry, and craving a certain thing. Nothing else is palatable. Nothing. Until you’re so hungry that even something you never used to like suddenly becomes the best meal you’ve ever eaten.

You don’t see people in third world countries say, “I’d rather not eat that… I’m craving something sweeter.” No. They’re hungry. They’ll eat.

So have I been this summer. I felt like my Spirit was so swept clean that I would take anything I got.

I’m basically poor. But God has provided in the nick of time.

I love this life. I love living on the edge. Because God is always there.

You know how some people are addicted to extreme sports? They feel alive. That’s sort of how I feel right now. Not like I love feeling like I can’t afford everything. But it’s what makes me feel the presence of God. The reassurance that He is in control. And that He knows what we need.

And that He provided what we need.

I hope I never lose sight of how it’s God that provided everything for us.

I want my home sweet home to always be in His arms. With a sweet fragrance of a sacrifice of praise, always palatable to His mouth, holy and pleasing.

Ok… time to sleep in my bed for the first time…

This is surreal.

News news news

Hey. OK. The drum as been rolling, and I'm finally blogging...

There were certain people I knew I had to tell the news to in person. That done, it's hitting the blog.

I an staying in New Jersey!!

I got a job. I'm teaching 2nd grade at Marlton Christian Academy. I'm also teaching Latin to all the grades there.

It's been a roller coaster past few weeks. All my plans have changed. Really... Nashville... I'm still planning on going down once a monthish.

So, more news. I'm moving. Into the little apartment attached to my Grandma's house. Yeah. A lot's been happening.

So. Now that the cat has been freed of the bag, I can rest and will likely blog much more now. Soon anyway.

Boys who

This is just cute. I don't agree with all of them, but some, they're just cute. Don't judge me.

http://boyswho.tumblr.com/

Say my name

One of my favorite things is when someone calls me by name. It makes me feel so warm. I feel special. This might sound silly, but it's so reassuring to me when someone says my name when they're talking to me. I try to say people's names when I talk to them too. It's so personal. It's so sweet. It's deep. I really love it.

And this just made me stop for a second when I just read this... this. This is sweet.

Isaiah 43:1
But now, this is what the Lord says-- he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."


I love loving a God who knows my name.

Whisper down the lane

I believe God likes to have fun. I think He enjoys games. Not to say He's playing us, or being a jerk. I think God is creative and expressive and fun.

I think one of God's favorite games is Whisper Down the Lane. Because I think, based on my life and what He's been doing lately, God likes to sometimes go through other people to tell me things.

Today I woke up to a text message from Blakeley. She told me she was praying for me, and that God impressed something on her heart about me, and so she told me. And it filled me with so much joy and anticipation. It was awesome. So my day started with someone speaking truth into my life. Pretty cool.

So God played Whisper Down the Lane with me and Blakeley.

I think we should follow suit. Every day of our lives, we should be whispering down the lane (or screaming or simply speaking... whichever is more appropriate) what God's doing in our lives. Sometimes we'll have specific things to pass down the lane. Other times, we just tell what God's doing in us personally.

But I am convinced that everything we go through is for the good of the Body of Christ. Everything we go through and struggle with... somehow is always for the good of the Body of Christ. The Body of Christ meaning any Christian. If God is teaching you something, talk about it. If He is challenging you, talk about it. If He is making you crazy because you ahve no idea what He is doing (Oh boy do I know that feeling) talk about it!!

I cannot keep quiet right now. I know I'm in one of those "YESSS!! SOMETHING MAKES SENSE!!" kind of moments. It's amazing. I love these moments. I'm relishing in the fact that this is a season of rejoicing. And you know what? I just can't stop talking about God. Because He's done so much in me and is doing so much... I can't leave Him out of a conversation when people ask me, "How's your summer going?" The very typical question a newly graduated student faces probably several times a day.

So, I've gotten a lot of chances to reply. And I can't leave God out of it. I don't care if they're Christians or not. I don't care. They wanna know how my summer's going. So I tell them.

I like playing Whisper Down the Lane. And I love when God plays too, and tells me something through someone else. It's really awesome.

Little Miracles

Wanna know something I believe? God does little miracles ALL DA TIME. Yeah. I'm in one of those moods where if you could hear me speak out loud, it'd be a mixture of all the cool accents I know.

I wanna tell you a story.

Tonight, my car wouldn't start. I was really annoyed. I had two friends in the car, and I was pestered. I tried four times, and to no avail. I thoughts about how unfortunate the facts were... I would have to get someone to jump the car or something from home... it was getting late, and I didn't know what to do.

So I tried an alternative.

I put my hands on the wheel and said out loud, "In Jesus' name." And turned the key. The car started.

So... you might think that was silly. You might think it was a coincidence. You might think it was easily avoidable to even bring God in as a reason.

But if you think any one of those things... you're missing His little miracles.

He did a miracle on the car tonight. And then knocked off 5 bucks on something I bought at the store a few minutes after. I was sorta freaking out about spending money, but I really needed what I was getting... when I got to the register, the price was over 5 bucks cheaper than the tag said. I thanked God for it. It blessed me. I consider that a little miracle.

God is behind more than we realize. The sad part is, even when He's IN FRONT of things, we don't always notice. I want to notice more.

Also, there is no small thing about the fact that there is unbearable power in the name of Jesus. I think that's why my car started. It's a miracle. It's a miracle that can't be contained in human knowledge, reason, or logic. There is power. Enough to start the car. Enough to make me smile about saving a few bucks.

Gosh, God just knows how to bless us.

I was very blessed today. And I love the name of Jesus. And I love His little miracles.

Favor

There will be MUCH to blog about in the coming weeks, dear blog stalkers. I cannot wait to fill you all in on these developments.

But for now, I'm going to continue to be vague. I don't feel right laying it all bare quite yet.

Let the suspenseful drums roll! Ahh how sweet the sound! Like the promise of life after rain. A good promise, indeed.

Ok, so you know what? I've misunderstood something my whole life. This is big, my friends. I've severely misunderstood something. To the point where reassurance was rendered as reason to panic and start bawling.

It's a very common saying in my house to say, "Lord, have favor on us as we do blah blah blah..." we ask for God's "favor." It's normal. It's a normal prayer in my house. And thus a very common prayer in my heart.

Well, now. Favor. It sounds like a smile, doesn't it? You know the teacher's pet in that one class... whenever that kid would walk in the room, the teacher would smile.

The teacher favored that kid.

Then there's the baby of the family. For example, the Marvelous Melodi. She is four years old, and the youngest in my family. She's so small and cute, and the world knows she knows it. You just cannot handle it when the girl cries. It's like every pine tree in the Pine Barrens down the road becomes a weeping willow when the child is upset. She's the baby. We adore her somehow because of it. We favor her. She makes us smile. While we hate when she cries, somehow we still find her unbelievably cute when she has a golf ball sized tear stream down her adorable cheeks. We smile. Because we favor her.

Ok. So when I favor someone, they tend to make me happy. I tend to smile a lot when I'm happy. When we use certain words, there is a connotation. Favor. For me, the world "smile" is that association.

So you know what I've wanted to know the past few months? What a storm has to do with a smile. Because my life the past few months has seemed to be anything but heaven smiling over me. A smile makes me think rainbows and fairies and green grass. Not a rain cloud exploding with lightening and thunder that sounds like a man chasing me on horseback with a whip in his hands.

Now. Stay with me. Here's something new God's presented me with:

Favor isn't always what we might call "favorable." The conditions are not always favorable. Sometimes favor is the MOST uncomfortable thing possible. For example... my job that I lost a few weeks ago. That sucked. That was awful. I felt like the biggest fool to walk the planet. I felt horrible. But today, it makes sense. I can see the hand of God on that situation. Already.

Favor does not mean relaxing, and sipping ice cold lemonade with condensation slipping down the clear glass. It doesn't mean we have an excuse to do whatever we want and the promise that we'll "succeed" in our own plans and ideas. It doesn't mean we acquire a magic wand for whenever we want to do something.

Sometimes... favor is pain. And a LOT of it.

Favor is God's blessing, His provision, His guidance. When we have those things, we have His best. But when "our thoughts are not His thoughts," hmmm... we're asking for a lot of bending and breaking to mold ourselves into a workable clay for favor to securely rest on us, aren't we?

I want God's favor. I want His guidance. I want Him to keep rearranging my plans, and my heart until I meet Him face to face. I want Him to keep cracking me like my chiropractor did to realign my spine... I want God to realign my mind. It sounds awful when my doctor would crack my neck. But in the end, I can move it far better, and easier. Same with the realigning of my mind. That's what God's doing to me right now. Cracking me. Not with a whip. But with His hands. Hands that let favor seep through them into whatever they touch. Me.

And so my mind is being realigned. And I'm able to think more clearly. See more clearly. He's been guiding me. His favor has been the key of this crazy song that I've never heard before. It didn't always sound very good to me. But favor is not always comfortable. And praise God for that.

Psalm 40:1-4
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.

Energy

Well.

Alas. God speaks. In ways I never studied in a text book.

And I have sight of some new things.

Can you believe this? I actually might know something. God might be letting me in on what I might be doing in the Fall.

I will tell more as things come together.

But I will say this. I'm exhausted. But finally energized.

The song Energy by Keri Hilson rings in my head. instead of "love" i'd say this summer has taken all of my energy. Ah!

Trying

Lately, I've felt a total absence of wisdom.

Which makes me feel entirely insignificant in the Body of Christ.

Because I feel I have nothing to offer.

Because if my life is out of order, how could I offer wisdom to my hurting friend?

But that's a lie.

Something that's hit me in the past few days, is this.

We are not to be silenced.

My life is a bundle of unkept strands that don't match the tapestry of years past. I am unsure of thousands of things. I feel like I'm but a clanging cymbal. I feel striped of much of my security in direction. But, why should that mean that the Lord can't use me in the Body of Christ? Why should I put a basket over my "light," because I can't tell which way is up and which way is down in my own life? Why does my own senselessness mean I cannot serve the Lord?

This may sound confusing.

I'll say it this way. In the past few days, I've talked to a few friends struggling with some stuff. Somehow, I felt something one might call "wisdom" stirring in my stomach, that I knew I had to say. So I said some stuff. And I know God worked. And I know God gave me things to say.

I felt like, "Oh my gosh, why doesn't God give me things to say to MYSELF?!" cause I need direction so bad...

The whole time I feel like I have no right to speak into someone else's life, because mine is so out of whack in some ways. I feel like the only way to be used by God sometimes, is to have my life perfectly in order.

FALSE.

My life is so undetermined. Yet. God still works. And even though my questions are not all answered, lo and behold, I can be a part of someone else's answer. The irony. Why do I try to use logic when we serve a God so unable to fit in the box we title "THIS MAKES SENSE."

Our lives don't have to make sense in order to allow God to use us in the "sense" of someone else's life.

We are STILL His workmanship. We are STILL His instruments. We are STILL precious and priceless pieces in the Body of Christ. And we are ALWAYS needed in the Body.

The moment we feel we have nothing to offer because we're broken ourselves, we're in the presence of a lie. We're in the presence of the enemy. We're in the process of the possibility of being silenced. Discouraged from continuing in our confidence that God is still proud of us, to the point where He chooses us to bless other people.

Just because you find yourself lost, and crying more than laughing in a season of life, that does not mean you have lost your value in the Body of Christ.

So. This may make no sense. That concept in itself could be on to something. I'm trying.

Dreams

I've hardly written this month. You know why. Too much to say.

But I know something new. Something has started to reach my heart. Something that's maybe obvious, but so incredible profound and real.

I'm an ordinary person. My dreams are laughable. They're God-sized dreams. They're big enough to crush me. I should be afraid of them. So the times I do get afraid of them... that shouldn't be so surprising. The times I wish I had not one dream... that shouldn't be so shocking. They're big.

God created us with "callings" before we were born. Some translations say that He "predestined" us to accomplish works. Our dreams, our passions, are usually in alignment with that. They're things He made, with a purpose too great for us to understand.

That should scare us.

But not when we realize that we have exactly what we need to accomplish those great things. Not when we realize that actually, God is quite pleased with the dreams He gave us. He's pleased! That's relieving. Just when I think He's gonna start laughing at me for crying about it... He's pleased with what He made. Those things too wonderful to know.

I just finished reading "The Kiss of Heaven" by Darlene Zschech. You need to read it. Blakeley got me to read it. Now I'm passing it on.

That's my tidbit today.

Psalm of my heart today

Lord my God, I called to you for help,
And you healed me.
Psalm 30:2

Wrecking ball

Hello blogging world!

Ok, remember how I said a few weeks ago how I keep praying God wrecks my plans if they're not His best thoughts for me? Well, I think this summer has been one wrecking ball after another.

Today I was supposed to start a new job. Full time. It was gonna be awesome. I was so excited and really ready to do something with my excessive and exhaustive amounts of free time.

I went to bed and set my alarm. Showered last night and woke up every hour afraid I'd wake up with too little time to feel good in the morning.

I woke up around 5 am thinking "Hey, I set my alarm for 6:45... I'll get some more sleep and then get going."

I was supposed to be at work at 8am.

I woke up at 8:04am.

My alarm was set for 6:45PM. Not AM.

So... I lost that job.

It took me six weeks to find it. I was beside myself.

I still am really... but somehow I really do marvel at it. Because it's the most ridiculous thing that could have happened to me right now. It was just a way to make money... but because of this a few things have changed already. In the past few weeks I've said my plans change every day... I don't know what to do about my plans never working out lately... seriously. What am I supposed to do now?

I feel so strongly something is going to start making sense soon. Things are becoming more and more confusing... more and more things point to one direction, but I just don't know how I'm gonna follow it. Something's gotta give soon.

It's like looking at a painting of a flower that shifting into something else. While I still look at it trying to see a flower when it's not anymore, it's not going to make me very happy. But eventually the new image will start to unfold a lot more clearly. Right now, it looks kind of like a mess, but I honestly feel it cannot get much more confusing than it is right now.

It's weird maybe to some people, but I've been praying really crazy prayers today. I've been asking God for really huge things.

Honestly, I'm just to the point that I don't know what else to do.

Maybe I haven't really trusted. Maybe I've just been feeling like I was trusting because of how radical my fear has been. How intense my confusion has been.

I'm not exactly a predestination advocate, but I am fully confident that everything is in the hands of God. Everything that happens. I try not to over spiritualize things, but sometimes the only way to describe things is to say there is Something at work quite beyond me. Everything is about God and for God. And if it's not, it's the Enemy. I think it's that simple.

I'm kind of excited in a way. Part of me feels awful to be excited after something so frustrating happening this morning. But seriously... God is up to something, and I'm feeling the shock waves start to reach new parts of my heart. Maybe parts of it that I thought were His, but were really never fully His.

Jeremiah 29 talks about how God will hear us. He will listen to our cries when we seek Him with all of our hearts. So I think this blow has paralyzed me enough to let the heat melt the places I was quick enough to shield in the past. My whole heart. Melted.

There are more ways to surrender than I realized.

I'm finding humor in this. How could I not. This is ridiculous.

Please pray for me. As funny as this whole life is, it's not funny. Ok it's hilarious. But it's not funny.

Pray for me.

As long as you're next to me

So my Bible reading thing has been wonderful. I missed one day. But I'm on Day 21 today. I'm already in 1 Samuel. I've never read this much this quickly. Even when I was reading through the New Testament in April. It wasn't quite as much as this 90 day thing is.

There are some themes that God is pointing out to me as I read...

I think I relate to the Israelites in a few ways.

It's hilarious how they kept saying to God and to moses and whoever was leading them, "Aghhh why did you take us away from Egypt? We would have been much better off."

All that complaining. No wonder "the Lord's anger burned against them" was every other verse for book after book!

Well. Well well well. I think someone here might relate to that.

"God, why did I graduate early? Worst. Idea. Ever!"

Yeah, I might have said that... several times. I get so stressed out. It's not that I don't feel ready to go live my life. To go move away. To explore the world, and live a new story.

I just get scared. I miss the life I knew well. I miss the familiarity. I miss knowing what I was doing even just the next day. But everyday my plans change. It's scary. It's exciting much of the time, but I'm constantly blind to what is going on.

So, the word "trust" has a much different meaning now. Like my new song The Only Thing...

"The only thing I know, is that I don't, is that I don't know," And "Maybe uncertainty is where I'm supposed to be, as long as you're next to me."

Maybe so. Most likely so.

So, like the Israelites complained even about being taken out of bondage and slavery... I complain about being taken out of Greenville. Greenville was my home. Where most of my friends were. Where I felt security. Where I planted so much of myself.

But it was time to go. It was time to move on.

And I believe God is leading me to a Promised Land. A land I couldn't have created, no matter how much of myself I "planted." I don't even know where it is. Much like the Israelites.

I understood their confusion and irritation with their limited knowledge. And limited faith.

My faith is so small right now. Maybe it's always been this small. Or maybe I've just never had to trust this much.

Standing next to a skyscraper never makes me feel very big.

So that's something God's speaking to me with.

I plan on sharing more soon. I gotta read though tonight before my eyes shut...

Deeply

And! I want you all to know... I deeply desire to go to Europe. Ever so badly.

I'm the mom

Some of you may think I'm insane, but one of the biggest things I'm excited about in the whole "living on my own" spectrum... is grocery shopping. I'm planning on being a beast. I'm also absorbing knowledge on how to use coupons the best I can. So I can save my little family (there will only be a few of us under one roof for the first time in all our lives aside from college) as much monayyy as I can. Cause I'm just gonna make myself the mom.

Yay.

Some truths

Truth:

I have never been so hungry for wisdom as I am right now.

Another truth:

It's kinda really awesome to be so dependent on God with my "plans." I am terrified.

Yet another:

I'm honestly praying that God wrecks my plans if anything I'm planning isn't His best. I hope it hurts. I hope it drives me mad. I hope I cry, and can't even swallow my peppermint tea. Bottom line: I hope it gets my attention, and that I can be filled with peace knowing that God's plans are better than my original interpretations.

Ok, those are my thoughts for the day. Byeee

Veni

Today at church was so beautiful.

Pastor Harry has been speaking about the Trinity and today specifically about the Holy Spirit.

It is unspeakable the work the Holy Spirit can accomplish when He possesses us.

Pastor Harry said, "It's not just about 'having' the Holy Spirit, it's about the Holy Spirit 'having' you."

How profound is that. How earth shakingly true is that?

Today the Holy Spirit swept through my church. In a way that freed and broke us. In a way that empowered and blessed. In a way that brought joy and peace, and beauty.

The Lord spoke to me while I watched so many people come forward for prayer today. Like He was sharing a piece of His heart while we both watched the scene.

"You are so beautiful," I felt like He was speaking. "My bride is so beautiful."

Like as He was watching His church, His bride come forward and pray for each other, He was glorified and in return He blessed us. And was taken by the beauty.

I felt like God was adorning His bride, and pouring His Spirit out on her, on us. I felt the Lord's delight over His beautiful bride. So much joy. So much love. It was unbearably moving...

I think I've been entirely guilty. I think I've limited myself. Or more, I've limited how much the Holy Spirit can possess me. I think I've kept it one sided. I had the Holy Spirit, but I didn't always allow the Holy Spirit to have me.

I think there's something new I'm gonna start saying when I wake up everyday. It might sound funny, but sometimes when I pray, I use Latin and Greek words. And "Veni Spiritum Sanctum" means "Come Holy Spirit." But I think that's gonna become a daily thing. I want it to be.

My girl

Watch my girl Blakeley. She's amazing. And pray she gets this job she's auditioning for... it'd be sweeeeeet.

Divine

So... there's something God is teaching me. And true to my form... I like telling people.

So, there are a thousand million things that I do not know about my future right now. I hardly know what will happen tomorrow. I am a planner. I hate this. I have so much ambition, that if a dream were an arrow, I'd shoot better and more consistently than Legolas. Because I'm the boss.

Haha... I'm not the boss, but my personality, I act like I am. Sometimes I feel like I am. At least of myself.

Well, I feel like God's maybe hitting me with an arrow right now.

And if His arrows are dreams too, He's telling me that I'm His dream.

And if I want to live my life for His glory, for His dreams and not mine, then following a path I did not map out for myself is not such a stretch.

Also... how many times I've been going to God pulling my hair out and saying, "Oh my gosh, I just need to hear form you. I just need to know what's going on."

And you know the response I'm getting?

Nothing really.

Except this. Which I've understood under completely different context.

"I don't give you more than you can handle."

That's usually about temptation and hard times. God won't give us what we can't handle.

Well, I think God's telling me "Shai, I'm not giving you more because this is what is good for you to know right now. "

That is not an answer I can give to the hundreds of people asking me, "So what's next for you Miss College Graduate?" Our culture is all about knowing things at a time convenient for questions like that. Convenient for ourselves. According to ourselves.

So. I think I'm in a struggle with that right now. And it's really kind of wonderful. It's something that is so freeing and relaxing...

I honestly have felt a lot of peace when some things have fallen through lately. Because I feel like I'm at such a loss that when things wreck my plans it's a chance for God to redirect me, or the actual redirection itself. And I'm open to any direction at all. Even if it's a 180.

So that's it right now.

The character of God is consistent. He doesn't give us more than we can handle. No more temptation than we can handle, no more frustration, no more confusion, and no more knowledge than we can handle.

What God has chosen not to reveal to us at a given time is divinely orchestrated. So enjoy the orchestra with the instruments currently playing. Divine.

When I hear

...something worth sharing, I usually do.

Read it.

http://www.jonacuff.com/blog/how-do-you-get-paid-for-doing-your-dream/

Concepts

Also... I think I mentioned how a friend of mine, Storm Sharrett, and I had been cowriting a lot at school. We're planning on continuing to work together, which is definitely difficult, but very cool. We made some good progress today on a song called "Taking." It is most lovely. I enjoy it very much.

I love stretching myself through working with people with different strengths and weaknesses. It pushes me.

Also, I love cowriting with people who don't let me use any "filler" lines. People who are as critical of my work as I am of theirs. But the people who also match my weaknesses with their strengths. And then in the end, we're so much better and learn how to be better in the areas we were never very strong in.

It's very cool.

Anyway, we're keeping a blog. Or more I tell Storm to update it and he does. Well, that only happened once. But here is our blog. I've decided to call our work my side project... my focus is what Zach and Caleigh and I are working on. Anyway, Storm and I call ourselves Concepts. Because when we write and discuss lyrics, it comes up without fail... "Maybe not that exact line... but the concept."

And so goes the writing process with Concepts.

Here's the blog:

http://conceptsproject.tumblr.com/

And here is the facebook page. Like it!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Concepts/224188547593218?ref=ts


Maybe we'll get a song up sometime soon. T'would be exciting:)

In between

Ok! Update!

My life is just madness right now. What a bizarre time... sometimes I'm not sure where I belong at the moment. Like, am I an "adult"? I've been putting resumes together and applications for big girl jobs. I feel like throwing lots of rocks in my pond a few block away. Just keep throwing until the water's dry. Sort of like my throat. Would you believe that I'm still sick? This thing is lingering like the ache in my heart when I think about all the people I miss so much spread all over the country.

My days are extremely unusual. I do not have a normal schedule. The things that have been constant have been songwriting (song a day still going strong!), and reading my Bible (day 11!), journaling a crazy ton (Almost done a whole journal since getting back to Jersey), and running fairly often. Today I was so tired when I was running... seriously, I was drenched in sweat too. It felt fantastic to finally shower and get in sweats. Like, fo reeal.

I think a year ago around this time I mentioned how I went in to BCC (my old school) and got to speak about homeschooling in one of my old teacher's classes, Teaching As A Profession, a class I took at the end of my sophomore year of college. I did it again today, and got to meet with Mrs. Furness afterwards for lunch. It was so sweet. So wonderful to meet with old friends, and people who've helped me get to where I am today.

I've been struggling a lot with this strange phase of life. Honestly, I don't know that I've ever felt so off balance this often. I love being in the swing of things. I love adventure, and new things, and going full force on to the next things. But it's the in between stuff that seems to make me stick to the floor like there's tar on my heels.

Which reminds me of these incredible shoes I just got. Real vintage. I'm obsessed. I have a new passion. As if this heart of mine could handle one more thing to be passionate about. Have mercy.

Anyway, the back and forth questioning of what is going on in life is so draining.

Reading my Bible as much as I have been to do this 90 day thing has been one of the best things this summer. It's only June 8th. It feels like I've been home a long time. I suppose I've already learned a lot. Some days feel like they last 5 days. But then some feel like they last a few hours. Then at the end of a week, I feel like pulling my hair and saying, "THAT WAS ONLY ONE WEEK!?"

And. I desperately need a job. Praise the Good Lord for the few students I have this summer. Without them... I'd be going absolutely crazy.

Ok. Something I want so desperately to do, is go thrifting at Villiage Thrift. I want to go thrift shopping so badly. And that place is thee best, ok? Everything is like 70 cents. Perfs, yo.

Please listen to this song. It's one of the songs Sarah, Katie and I would listen to in the dark with our eyes closed like I mentioned a few posts ago. It was one of our favorite songs, and I feel somewhat close to it right now. Cause I'm somewhere in between.



So... this is my update thus far.

Cheese goes nicely with that

I just wrote a song called "I Like You." I laugh sometimes. I write the cheesiest songs!

My vocals are sort of MIA right now. I mean they're there, but I almost wish they weren't. Cause I'm still sick. It's ridiculous how long this hoarse voice, cough, congested thing is lasting. I hate it.

Anyway. This song is hilarious to me. I even make a Facebook reference.

But. I really like it. A lot. Maybe I'll post it soon.

Again. If you're a writer... set goals for yourself. Cause it's just so cool to be writing so much.

Ok bye.


PS
Watch this video. Two of these guys are Gville grads. So funny. It will explain my title and my reference in this blog about my cheesy songs.

I Have Seen the Lord

This is a song I wrote with Storm Sharrett in April. I think I probably talked about it, but this song was such a huge Godthing. In April I was reading through the New Testament, and I started praying that God would give me songs to write about Him. I started writing this song, and got stuck pretty quickly. Storm and I worked on it together, and finished it. We did it for Vespers the night after we finished it, which was so cool, because it fit in perfectly with everything else that night.

My parents were fasting and praying together over the Good Friday service the day Storm and I finished the song. My dad wasn't sure how to close his message for the service. When Storm and I were writing this song, we were so prayerful as we worked on the song separately and then coming together to work on it was awesome. I sent the song to my parents that Wednesday, and sent the lyrics with it. I woke up the next day (Thursday) with a text from my dad asking me if when I was home the next day, if I could close the service singing I Have Seen the Lord. He said it was unreal how perfect it was with his message.

When I was home for Laura's wedding, I came home on Good Friday. I was absolutely stunned with how many words in I Have Seen the Lord were the key words in my dad's message. It was astounding. God was so incredible... He blessed me so much by sharing his heart and creating a song in my heart. God used Storm too, as we collaborated over basically the entire thing.

So I wanted to share this song with all of you, because I think it's something God is speaking to me and to all of us. I don't feel like I "wrote" or "cowrote" this song in some ways, because I literally feel like I inherited it. Like it was something placed on me. More like just a song I got to sing.

So here are the words, and the video is from Vespers the day after we finished writing it.


There was bondage
Braided into the life I lived
You broke the chains away

There was darkness
In the dawn of everyday
You were calling out to me

But I knew it when you said my name
The stone was rolled away

Chorus
I have seen
I have seen
I have seen the Lord 2x

I was burdened
By the blood you spilled
To reconcile my weak and weary bones

You were buried underneath
The weight of all our wrongs
When mine alone could keep you down

But I knew it when you said my name
The stone was rolled away

Chorus

Bridge

No more darkness no more pain
It's all behind
Out of hiding out of shame
I'm justified
Oh for grace you said my name
You recognized me

Dream in white

It's 2:28 a.m.

I should be asleep, huh? My song a day thing has been awesome though. I sit down to write a 10 minute song of lyrics. But all these melodies are going crazy in this head of mine. I do have a head. It was probably hard to tell cause my hair was crazy and wild and curly today. I loved it. I felt like a woman. That's besides the point.

I'm also sick. I can't sing very well right now. I usually can't sing at all in times like these, nor do I have a desire to hear the congested version of Shai singing.

But God's blessed my music so much lately. I've written 3 full songs since Sunday with music and everything. Sure they'll be rewritten and edited and all that jazz, but such is life. I've written full lyrical songs too every day in between the others too. I'll try to record them and post some if I get to it, and if my voice cooperates.

Tonight I wrote a song in about 35 minutes. That's crazy... I mean it happens sometimes, but not 3 times in 5 days. The song tonight is called Know You. The one I wrote last night is called Rush. And Dreadfuls is the other one from Sunday.

That's my update.

God's blessing this thing. It's really cool. Do it... set goals to stretch yourself and the gifts He gives you. He blesses it. It's so cool. It's so so cool.

And maybe I'm a silly girl, but I love these lines in the song I just finished: "Close your eyes, I'll sing you a lullaby- you can breathe easy and dream in white." As in purity. Like don't awaken love until it so desires. Sleep in the arms of Jesus, with your heart anchored in Him, and dream in purity. Dream in white. And I'll sing you a lullaby. Whoever you are, my Sweet.

Goodnight world.