We wait

I love the moments when I just sorta escape from myself and realize I'm happy. Or joyful rather. I've been having these moments a lot lately. It sort of scares me because I did this a lot at Greenville when I was about to graduate. Months before, but nonetheless. It makes me a little scared that a big change is coming. Almost like I just sense it, so my immediate response is to just soak this up.

Ok, so I have felt especially this year that my life will not be able to fit in a planned out scheme. I have felt like I have no place to rest my head. Not in a bad way at all. Just that I don't think I'll be in Jersey forever. And I'm happy here. I truly am. There are moments... I still only live and breathe in confusion most often. It's the water I swim.

But I have a growing awareness that a change is about to happen. Whether it be in a year, a month, or a day. Maybe I'll wake up in an hour to some crazy news. Who knows. But my spirit is stirred.

I'm aware again of the word God spoke to me last New Years. He has given me a new dream. To be honest, I'm not completely sure I can even pinpoint what the "new dream" is. I feel like I've been released to be released. As in, I don't need to live in a box. I don't believe I'm called to one place.

A friend shared in my Bible study how he knows he is called to stay in Jersey. And He hasn't left. He knew his calling was here, and still is.

M heart creaked like someone was walking on a shaky bridge. Because I can't balance my spirit "trying on" that calling. I just don't feel like I can embrace that.

God is teaching me to embrace where I am.

It screams at me, and nearly chokes me with the weight of freedom and conviction when I hear things like, " God can only use you where you are," and how we're called to love people, no matter where we are.

A great many things God has done in my heart this year.

I realize December starts next week. And so begins the exhaustive reflection of the year that is past, and yet still passing, moment by moment.

So. A new dream. To live my life no matter where I am. To love no matter how much it hurts to leave. To trust when the fog is so dense, all flights to understanding (or Nashville) are canceled. To spell words with alphabet soup that has gluten in it (therefore makes me sick). This is all metaphoric... mostly...

But some change is about to occur. I know it. And so we wait.