My job

I've never known myself to struggle so much with change. I get extremely restless when I become bored. Doing the same thing gets painful for me. I get excited about new things.

My new life, however, has been very taxing. I'm finding myself increasingly irritated by anything that disrupts Selah's and my schedules. I just want something to stay the same. Something to stay dependable. Something to remain sturdy.

It doesn't take much concentration for me to sense a few lessons God is using His blessings to teach me. Just like when I started dating Caleb, God was teaching me how to trust. He was teaching me how to trust Him with something I wanted so much. When we got married, God demonstrated through my new marriage an astounding reflection of what intimacy with the Lord can be like. I could go on and on about how my marriage has been sanctifying me (because goodness, it can be hard), but recently becoming a mom has rocked me a lot, too.

I can't raise Selah perfectly. The bitter truth is that she is wet cement, and my sinful self is already planting itself firmly in her impressionable heart.

I can't make myself perfect. I hate that she will eventually catch on to my short comings. Right now, I can really do no wrong in her eyes. She needs me desperately. I'm her lifeline. Soon, she will see me for who I am: imperfect.

It started to scare me that she will imitate not only my good qualities, but my sinful ones.

I started to feel rushed and pressured to "fix" all my flaws so that my daughter might not inherit them.

It'll never happen.

Instead, I felt a sense of unrest about trying to teach Selah perfection.

It's not possible, and it's not my job.

It's my job to exemplify grace, and forgiveness, and beauty in the struggle of being human.

When she hears me complain about my appearance instead of always feeling and being confident that how I look is fine, I have the opportunity to let her know that it's ok to struggle, and to have difficulty sometimes. I can show her that we all make mistakes, and that we have the opportunity to press into the Lord more and more.

She might not imitate every "sinful" quality I have, either. She will bring some of her own to the table.

If I can't teach her through my own sinful habits, she won't know how to walk through hers.

I feel refreshed realizing that it's all I can do to be a sinful example of a rescued sinner in an imperfect, hurting world.

I don't even feel that bad to consider how she will hurt, and make mistakes.

She needs a Savior, too. And I have the opportunity to introduce her to Him.

That's my real job. Not to perfect myself so that I don't teach her to be flawed. But to show her through my flaws that I need Jesus, and that in Him I'm flawless. In Him, she is flawless, too.

Mom blog

One of the hardest things for me being a mom is how my to-do list gets shoved back into a corner. I'm such a doer, it kills me to feel unaccomplished with my day. Sometimes that's the only thing that gets me through a day. Change a diaper. Done. Feed baby. Done. Change another diaper. Done. Accomplishment!

But now that I'm a stay at home mom, it's actually really hard for me to feel like I've accomplished much. I'm not going to work and bringing in some money anymore. Not to the extent I was anyway. It's challenging for me to feel that what I accomplish everyday in my child is important, because it's mundane. 

I have full confidence that in 20 years I'll look back and think these sleepless nights are beautiful. I know I will. But for now, I do struggle. 

I even signed up for daily mom devotional e-mails because I've been THE WORST at staying consistent with my time with God. That would solve a lot of my melt down moments for sure :/

I love seeing how God uses his gifts to us to also break us down, and make us (give us to opportunity to) be more like Him. 

Being a mom is definitely challenging. 

Home

Caleb Selah and I were back in NJ for a wedding, and we're finally back "home" in TN. It's a very bizarre feeling to know that this is where I live now. Being back in familiarity for a little bit for the wedding was strange. Something so familiar feels like home, but it's not right now. That's alarming.

I never forgot hearing at Greenville after my first trip back to NJ that home is not a place, but wherever you are.

It made me feel less unsettled then, because I felt overwhelmed about how two places felt equally serene in my heart.

Again, I find myself replaying this scene in my new house as opposed to my dorm room in Greenville.

Home is a lot of things. Today it's rather confusing.

Right now, the home I need to accept is where I am. Here's to settling hopefully settling in!