One of my favorite things is when someone calls me by name. It makes me feel so warm. I feel special. This might sound silly, but it's so reassuring to me when someone says my name when they're talking to me. I try to say people's names when I talk to them too. It's so personal. It's so sweet. It's deep. I really love it.
And this just made me stop for a second when I just read this... this. This is sweet.
Isaiah 43:1
But now, this is what the Lord says-- he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."
I love loving a God who knows my name.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Whisper down the lane
I believe God likes to have fun. I think He enjoys games. Not to say He's playing us, or being a jerk. I think God is creative and expressive and fun.
I think one of God's favorite games is Whisper Down the Lane. Because I think, based on my life and what He's been doing lately, God likes to sometimes go through other people to tell me things.
Today I woke up to a text message from Blakeley. She told me she was praying for me, and that God impressed something on her heart about me, and so she told me. And it filled me with so much joy and anticipation. It was awesome. So my day started with someone speaking truth into my life. Pretty cool.
So God played Whisper Down the Lane with me and Blakeley.
I think we should follow suit. Every day of our lives, we should be whispering down the lane (or screaming or simply speaking... whichever is more appropriate) what God's doing in our lives. Sometimes we'll have specific things to pass down the lane. Other times, we just tell what God's doing in us personally.
But I am convinced that everything we go through is for the good of the Body of Christ. Everything we go through and struggle with... somehow is always for the good of the Body of Christ. The Body of Christ meaning any Christian. If God is teaching you something, talk about it. If He is challenging you, talk about it. If He is making you crazy because you ahve no idea what He is doing (Oh boy do I know that feeling) talk about it!!
I cannot keep quiet right now. I know I'm in one of those "YESSS!! SOMETHING MAKES SENSE!!" kind of moments. It's amazing. I love these moments. I'm relishing in the fact that this is a season of rejoicing. And you know what? I just can't stop talking about God. Because He's done so much in me and is doing so much... I can't leave Him out of a conversation when people ask me, "How's your summer going?" The very typical question a newly graduated student faces probably several times a day.
So, I've gotten a lot of chances to reply. And I can't leave God out of it. I don't care if they're Christians or not. I don't care. They wanna know how my summer's going. So I tell them.
I like playing Whisper Down the Lane. And I love when God plays too, and tells me something through someone else. It's really awesome.
I think one of God's favorite games is Whisper Down the Lane. Because I think, based on my life and what He's been doing lately, God likes to sometimes go through other people to tell me things.
Today I woke up to a text message from Blakeley. She told me she was praying for me, and that God impressed something on her heart about me, and so she told me. And it filled me with so much joy and anticipation. It was awesome. So my day started with someone speaking truth into my life. Pretty cool.
So God played Whisper Down the Lane with me and Blakeley.
I think we should follow suit. Every day of our lives, we should be whispering down the lane (or screaming or simply speaking... whichever is more appropriate) what God's doing in our lives. Sometimes we'll have specific things to pass down the lane. Other times, we just tell what God's doing in us personally.
But I am convinced that everything we go through is for the good of the Body of Christ. Everything we go through and struggle with... somehow is always for the good of the Body of Christ. The Body of Christ meaning any Christian. If God is teaching you something, talk about it. If He is challenging you, talk about it. If He is making you crazy because you ahve no idea what He is doing (Oh boy do I know that feeling) talk about it!!
I cannot keep quiet right now. I know I'm in one of those "YESSS!! SOMETHING MAKES SENSE!!" kind of moments. It's amazing. I love these moments. I'm relishing in the fact that this is a season of rejoicing. And you know what? I just can't stop talking about God. Because He's done so much in me and is doing so much... I can't leave Him out of a conversation when people ask me, "How's your summer going?" The very typical question a newly graduated student faces probably several times a day.
So, I've gotten a lot of chances to reply. And I can't leave God out of it. I don't care if they're Christians or not. I don't care. They wanna know how my summer's going. So I tell them.
I like playing Whisper Down the Lane. And I love when God plays too, and tells me something through someone else. It's really awesome.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Little Miracles
Wanna know something I believe? God does little miracles ALL DA TIME. Yeah. I'm in one of those moods where if you could hear me speak out loud, it'd be a mixture of all the cool accents I know.
I wanna tell you a story.
Tonight, my car wouldn't start. I was really annoyed. I had two friends in the car, and I was pestered. I tried four times, and to no avail. I thoughts about how unfortunate the facts were... I would have to get someone to jump the car or something from home... it was getting late, and I didn't know what to do.
So I tried an alternative.
I put my hands on the wheel and said out loud, "In Jesus' name." And turned the key. The car started.
So... you might think that was silly. You might think it was a coincidence. You might think it was easily avoidable to even bring God in as a reason.
But if you think any one of those things... you're missing His little miracles.
He did a miracle on the car tonight. And then knocked off 5 bucks on something I bought at the store a few minutes after. I was sorta freaking out about spending money, but I really needed what I was getting... when I got to the register, the price was over 5 bucks cheaper than the tag said. I thanked God for it. It blessed me. I consider that a little miracle.
God is behind more than we realize. The sad part is, even when He's IN FRONT of things, we don't always notice. I want to notice more.
Also, there is no small thing about the fact that there is unbearable power in the name of Jesus. I think that's why my car started. It's a miracle. It's a miracle that can't be contained in human knowledge, reason, or logic. There is power. Enough to start the car. Enough to make me smile about saving a few bucks.
Gosh, God just knows how to bless us.
I was very blessed today. And I love the name of Jesus. And I love His little miracles.
I wanna tell you a story.
Tonight, my car wouldn't start. I was really annoyed. I had two friends in the car, and I was pestered. I tried four times, and to no avail. I thoughts about how unfortunate the facts were... I would have to get someone to jump the car or something from home... it was getting late, and I didn't know what to do.
So I tried an alternative.
I put my hands on the wheel and said out loud, "In Jesus' name." And turned the key. The car started.
So... you might think that was silly. You might think it was a coincidence. You might think it was easily avoidable to even bring God in as a reason.
But if you think any one of those things... you're missing His little miracles.
He did a miracle on the car tonight. And then knocked off 5 bucks on something I bought at the store a few minutes after. I was sorta freaking out about spending money, but I really needed what I was getting... when I got to the register, the price was over 5 bucks cheaper than the tag said. I thanked God for it. It blessed me. I consider that a little miracle.
God is behind more than we realize. The sad part is, even when He's IN FRONT of things, we don't always notice. I want to notice more.
Also, there is no small thing about the fact that there is unbearable power in the name of Jesus. I think that's why my car started. It's a miracle. It's a miracle that can't be contained in human knowledge, reason, or logic. There is power. Enough to start the car. Enough to make me smile about saving a few bucks.
Gosh, God just knows how to bless us.
I was very blessed today. And I love the name of Jesus. And I love His little miracles.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Favor
There will be MUCH to blog about in the coming weeks, dear blog stalkers. I cannot wait to fill you all in on these developments.
But for now, I'm going to continue to be vague. I don't feel right laying it all bare quite yet.
Let the suspenseful drums roll! Ahh how sweet the sound! Like the promise of life after rain. A good promise, indeed.
Ok, so you know what? I've misunderstood something my whole life. This is big, my friends. I've severely misunderstood something. To the point where reassurance was rendered as reason to panic and start bawling.
It's a very common saying in my house to say, "Lord, have favor on us as we do blah blah blah..." we ask for God's "favor." It's normal. It's a normal prayer in my house. And thus a very common prayer in my heart.
Well, now. Favor. It sounds like a smile, doesn't it? You know the teacher's pet in that one class... whenever that kid would walk in the room, the teacher would smile.
The teacher favored that kid.
Then there's the baby of the family. For example, the Marvelous Melodi. She is four years old, and the youngest in my family. She's so small and cute, and the world knows she knows it. You just cannot handle it when the girl cries. It's like every pine tree in the Pine Barrens down the road becomes a weeping willow when the child is upset. She's the baby. We adore her somehow because of it. We favor her. She makes us smile. While we hate when she cries, somehow we still find her unbelievably cute when she has a golf ball sized tear stream down her adorable cheeks. We smile. Because we favor her.
Ok. So when I favor someone, they tend to make me happy. I tend to smile a lot when I'm happy. When we use certain words, there is a connotation. Favor. For me, the world "smile" is that association.
So you know what I've wanted to know the past few months? What a storm has to do with a smile. Because my life the past few months has seemed to be anything but heaven smiling over me. A smile makes me think rainbows and fairies and green grass. Not a rain cloud exploding with lightening and thunder that sounds like a man chasing me on horseback with a whip in his hands.
Now. Stay with me. Here's something new God's presented me with:
Favor isn't always what we might call "favorable." The conditions are not always favorable. Sometimes favor is the MOST uncomfortable thing possible. For example... my job that I lost a few weeks ago. That sucked. That was awful. I felt like the biggest fool to walk the planet. I felt horrible. But today, it makes sense. I can see the hand of God on that situation. Already.
Favor does not mean relaxing, and sipping ice cold lemonade with condensation slipping down the clear glass. It doesn't mean we have an excuse to do whatever we want and the promise that we'll "succeed" in our own plans and ideas. It doesn't mean we acquire a magic wand for whenever we want to do something.
Sometimes... favor is pain. And a LOT of it.
Favor is God's blessing, His provision, His guidance. When we have those things, we have His best. But when "our thoughts are not His thoughts," hmmm... we're asking for a lot of bending and breaking to mold ourselves into a workable clay for favor to securely rest on us, aren't we?
I want God's favor. I want His guidance. I want Him to keep rearranging my plans, and my heart until I meet Him face to face. I want Him to keep cracking me like my chiropractor did to realign my spine... I want God to realign my mind. It sounds awful when my doctor would crack my neck. But in the end, I can move it far better, and easier. Same with the realigning of my mind. That's what God's doing to me right now. Cracking me. Not with a whip. But with His hands. Hands that let favor seep through them into whatever they touch. Me.
And so my mind is being realigned. And I'm able to think more clearly. See more clearly. He's been guiding me. His favor has been the key of this crazy song that I've never heard before. It didn't always sound very good to me. But favor is not always comfortable. And praise God for that.
Psalm 40:1-4
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.
But for now, I'm going to continue to be vague. I don't feel right laying it all bare quite yet.
Let the suspenseful drums roll! Ahh how sweet the sound! Like the promise of life after rain. A good promise, indeed.
Ok, so you know what? I've misunderstood something my whole life. This is big, my friends. I've severely misunderstood something. To the point where reassurance was rendered as reason to panic and start bawling.
It's a very common saying in my house to say, "Lord, have favor on us as we do blah blah blah..." we ask for God's "favor." It's normal. It's a normal prayer in my house. And thus a very common prayer in my heart.
Well, now. Favor. It sounds like a smile, doesn't it? You know the teacher's pet in that one class... whenever that kid would walk in the room, the teacher would smile.
The teacher favored that kid.
Then there's the baby of the family. For example, the Marvelous Melodi. She is four years old, and the youngest in my family. She's so small and cute, and the world knows she knows it. You just cannot handle it when the girl cries. It's like every pine tree in the Pine Barrens down the road becomes a weeping willow when the child is upset. She's the baby. We adore her somehow because of it. We favor her. She makes us smile. While we hate when she cries, somehow we still find her unbelievably cute when she has a golf ball sized tear stream down her adorable cheeks. We smile. Because we favor her.
Ok. So when I favor someone, they tend to make me happy. I tend to smile a lot when I'm happy. When we use certain words, there is a connotation. Favor. For me, the world "smile" is that association.
So you know what I've wanted to know the past few months? What a storm has to do with a smile. Because my life the past few months has seemed to be anything but heaven smiling over me. A smile makes me think rainbows and fairies and green grass. Not a rain cloud exploding with lightening and thunder that sounds like a man chasing me on horseback with a whip in his hands.
Now. Stay with me. Here's something new God's presented me with:
Favor isn't always what we might call "favorable." The conditions are not always favorable. Sometimes favor is the MOST uncomfortable thing possible. For example... my job that I lost a few weeks ago. That sucked. That was awful. I felt like the biggest fool to walk the planet. I felt horrible. But today, it makes sense. I can see the hand of God on that situation. Already.
Favor does not mean relaxing, and sipping ice cold lemonade with condensation slipping down the clear glass. It doesn't mean we have an excuse to do whatever we want and the promise that we'll "succeed" in our own plans and ideas. It doesn't mean we acquire a magic wand for whenever we want to do something.
Sometimes... favor is pain. And a LOT of it.
Favor is God's blessing, His provision, His guidance. When we have those things, we have His best. But when "our thoughts are not His thoughts," hmmm... we're asking for a lot of bending and breaking to mold ourselves into a workable clay for favor to securely rest on us, aren't we?
I want God's favor. I want His guidance. I want Him to keep rearranging my plans, and my heart until I meet Him face to face. I want Him to keep cracking me like my chiropractor did to realign my spine... I want God to realign my mind. It sounds awful when my doctor would crack my neck. But in the end, I can move it far better, and easier. Same with the realigning of my mind. That's what God's doing to me right now. Cracking me. Not with a whip. But with His hands. Hands that let favor seep through them into whatever they touch. Me.
And so my mind is being realigned. And I'm able to think more clearly. See more clearly. He's been guiding me. His favor has been the key of this crazy song that I've never heard before. It didn't always sound very good to me. But favor is not always comfortable. And praise God for that.
Psalm 40:1-4
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Energy
Well.
Alas. God speaks. In ways I never studied in a text book.
And I have sight of some new things.
Can you believe this? I actually might know something. God might be letting me in on what I might be doing in the Fall.
I will tell more as things come together.
But I will say this. I'm exhausted. But finally energized.
The song Energy by Keri Hilson rings in my head. instead of "love" i'd say this summer has taken all of my energy. Ah!
Alas. God speaks. In ways I never studied in a text book.
And I have sight of some new things.
Can you believe this? I actually might know something. God might be letting me in on what I might be doing in the Fall.
I will tell more as things come together.
But I will say this. I'm exhausted. But finally energized.
The song Energy by Keri Hilson rings in my head. instead of "love" i'd say this summer has taken all of my energy. Ah!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Trying
Lately, I've felt a total absence of wisdom.
Which makes me feel entirely insignificant in the Body of Christ.
Because I feel I have nothing to offer.
Because if my life is out of order, how could I offer wisdom to my hurting friend?
But that's a lie.
Something that's hit me in the past few days, is this.
We are not to be silenced.
My life is a bundle of unkept strands that don't match the tapestry of years past. I am unsure of thousands of things. I feel like I'm but a clanging cymbal. I feel striped of much of my security in direction. But, why should that mean that the Lord can't use me in the Body of Christ? Why should I put a basket over my "light," because I can't tell which way is up and which way is down in my own life? Why does my own senselessness mean I cannot serve the Lord?
This may sound confusing.
I'll say it this way. In the past few days, I've talked to a few friends struggling with some stuff. Somehow, I felt something one might call "wisdom" stirring in my stomach, that I knew I had to say. So I said some stuff. And I know God worked. And I know God gave me things to say.
I felt like, "Oh my gosh, why doesn't God give me things to say to MYSELF?!" cause I need direction so bad...
The whole time I feel like I have no right to speak into someone else's life, because mine is so out of whack in some ways. I feel like the only way to be used by God sometimes, is to have my life perfectly in order.
FALSE.
My life is so undetermined. Yet. God still works. And even though my questions are not all answered, lo and behold, I can be a part of someone else's answer. The irony. Why do I try to use logic when we serve a God so unable to fit in the box we title "THIS MAKES SENSE."
Our lives don't have to make sense in order to allow God to use us in the "sense" of someone else's life.
We are STILL His workmanship. We are STILL His instruments. We are STILL precious and priceless pieces in the Body of Christ. And we are ALWAYS needed in the Body.
The moment we feel we have nothing to offer because we're broken ourselves, we're in the presence of a lie. We're in the presence of the enemy. We're in the process of the possibility of being silenced. Discouraged from continuing in our confidence that God is still proud of us, to the point where He chooses us to bless other people.
Just because you find yourself lost, and crying more than laughing in a season of life, that does not mean you have lost your value in the Body of Christ.
So. This may make no sense. That concept in itself could be on to something. I'm trying.
Which makes me feel entirely insignificant in the Body of Christ.
Because I feel I have nothing to offer.
Because if my life is out of order, how could I offer wisdom to my hurting friend?
But that's a lie.
Something that's hit me in the past few days, is this.
We are not to be silenced.
My life is a bundle of unkept strands that don't match the tapestry of years past. I am unsure of thousands of things. I feel like I'm but a clanging cymbal. I feel striped of much of my security in direction. But, why should that mean that the Lord can't use me in the Body of Christ? Why should I put a basket over my "light," because I can't tell which way is up and which way is down in my own life? Why does my own senselessness mean I cannot serve the Lord?
This may sound confusing.
I'll say it this way. In the past few days, I've talked to a few friends struggling with some stuff. Somehow, I felt something one might call "wisdom" stirring in my stomach, that I knew I had to say. So I said some stuff. And I know God worked. And I know God gave me things to say.
I felt like, "Oh my gosh, why doesn't God give me things to say to MYSELF?!" cause I need direction so bad...
The whole time I feel like I have no right to speak into someone else's life, because mine is so out of whack in some ways. I feel like the only way to be used by God sometimes, is to have my life perfectly in order.
FALSE.
My life is so undetermined. Yet. God still works. And even though my questions are not all answered, lo and behold, I can be a part of someone else's answer. The irony. Why do I try to use logic when we serve a God so unable to fit in the box we title "THIS MAKES SENSE."
Our lives don't have to make sense in order to allow God to use us in the "sense" of someone else's life.
We are STILL His workmanship. We are STILL His instruments. We are STILL precious and priceless pieces in the Body of Christ. And we are ALWAYS needed in the Body.
The moment we feel we have nothing to offer because we're broken ourselves, we're in the presence of a lie. We're in the presence of the enemy. We're in the process of the possibility of being silenced. Discouraged from continuing in our confidence that God is still proud of us, to the point where He chooses us to bless other people.
Just because you find yourself lost, and crying more than laughing in a season of life, that does not mean you have lost your value in the Body of Christ.
So. This may make no sense. That concept in itself could be on to something. I'm trying.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Dreams
I've hardly written this month. You know why. Too much to say.
But I know something new. Something has started to reach my heart. Something that's maybe obvious, but so incredible profound and real.
I'm an ordinary person. My dreams are laughable. They're God-sized dreams. They're big enough to crush me. I should be afraid of them. So the times I do get afraid of them... that shouldn't be so surprising. The times I wish I had not one dream... that shouldn't be so shocking. They're big.
God created us with "callings" before we were born. Some translations say that He "predestined" us to accomplish works. Our dreams, our passions, are usually in alignment with that. They're things He made, with a purpose too great for us to understand.
That should scare us.
But not when we realize that we have exactly what we need to accomplish those great things. Not when we realize that actually, God is quite pleased with the dreams He gave us. He's pleased! That's relieving. Just when I think He's gonna start laughing at me for crying about it... He's pleased with what He made. Those things too wonderful to know.
I just finished reading "The Kiss of Heaven" by Darlene Zschech. You need to read it. Blakeley got me to read it. Now I'm passing it on.
That's my tidbit today.
But I know something new. Something has started to reach my heart. Something that's maybe obvious, but so incredible profound and real.
I'm an ordinary person. My dreams are laughable. They're God-sized dreams. They're big enough to crush me. I should be afraid of them. So the times I do get afraid of them... that shouldn't be so surprising. The times I wish I had not one dream... that shouldn't be so shocking. They're big.
God created us with "callings" before we were born. Some translations say that He "predestined" us to accomplish works. Our dreams, our passions, are usually in alignment with that. They're things He made, with a purpose too great for us to understand.
That should scare us.
But not when we realize that we have exactly what we need to accomplish those great things. Not when we realize that actually, God is quite pleased with the dreams He gave us. He's pleased! That's relieving. Just when I think He's gonna start laughing at me for crying about it... He's pleased with what He made. Those things too wonderful to know.
I just finished reading "The Kiss of Heaven" by Darlene Zschech. You need to read it. Blakeley got me to read it. Now I'm passing it on.
That's my tidbit today.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Wrecking ball
Hello blogging world!
Ok, remember how I said a few weeks ago how I keep praying God wrecks my plans if they're not His best thoughts for me? Well, I think this summer has been one wrecking ball after another.
Today I was supposed to start a new job. Full time. It was gonna be awesome. I was so excited and really ready to do something with my excessive and exhaustive amounts of free time.
I went to bed and set my alarm. Showered last night and woke up every hour afraid I'd wake up with too little time to feel good in the morning.
I woke up around 5 am thinking "Hey, I set my alarm for 6:45... I'll get some more sleep and then get going."
I was supposed to be at work at 8am.
I woke up at 8:04am.
My alarm was set for 6:45PM. Not AM.
So... I lost that job.
It took me six weeks to find it. I was beside myself.
I still am really... but somehow I really do marvel at it. Because it's the most ridiculous thing that could have happened to me right now. It was just a way to make money... but because of this a few things have changed already. In the past few weeks I've said my plans change every day... I don't know what to do about my plans never working out lately... seriously. What am I supposed to do now?
I feel so strongly something is going to start making sense soon. Things are becoming more and more confusing... more and more things point to one direction, but I just don't know how I'm gonna follow it. Something's gotta give soon.
It's like looking at a painting of a flower that shifting into something else. While I still look at it trying to see a flower when it's not anymore, it's not going to make me very happy. But eventually the new image will start to unfold a lot more clearly. Right now, it looks kind of like a mess, but I honestly feel it cannot get much more confusing than it is right now.
It's weird maybe to some people, but I've been praying really crazy prayers today. I've been asking God for really huge things.
Honestly, I'm just to the point that I don't know what else to do.
Maybe I haven't really trusted. Maybe I've just been feeling like I was trusting because of how radical my fear has been. How intense my confusion has been.
I'm not exactly a predestination advocate, but I am fully confident that everything is in the hands of God. Everything that happens. I try not to over spiritualize things, but sometimes the only way to describe things is to say there is Something at work quite beyond me. Everything is about God and for God. And if it's not, it's the Enemy. I think it's that simple.
I'm kind of excited in a way. Part of me feels awful to be excited after something so frustrating happening this morning. But seriously... God is up to something, and I'm feeling the shock waves start to reach new parts of my heart. Maybe parts of it that I thought were His, but were really never fully His.
Jeremiah 29 talks about how God will hear us. He will listen to our cries when we seek Him with all of our hearts. So I think this blow has paralyzed me enough to let the heat melt the places I was quick enough to shield in the past. My whole heart. Melted.
There are more ways to surrender than I realized.
I'm finding humor in this. How could I not. This is ridiculous.
Please pray for me. As funny as this whole life is, it's not funny. Ok it's hilarious. But it's not funny.
Pray for me.
Ok, remember how I said a few weeks ago how I keep praying God wrecks my plans if they're not His best thoughts for me? Well, I think this summer has been one wrecking ball after another.
Today I was supposed to start a new job. Full time. It was gonna be awesome. I was so excited and really ready to do something with my excessive and exhaustive amounts of free time.
I went to bed and set my alarm. Showered last night and woke up every hour afraid I'd wake up with too little time to feel good in the morning.
I woke up around 5 am thinking "Hey, I set my alarm for 6:45... I'll get some more sleep and then get going."
I was supposed to be at work at 8am.
I woke up at 8:04am.
My alarm was set for 6:45PM. Not AM.
So... I lost that job.
It took me six weeks to find it. I was beside myself.
I still am really... but somehow I really do marvel at it. Because it's the most ridiculous thing that could have happened to me right now. It was just a way to make money... but because of this a few things have changed already. In the past few weeks I've said my plans change every day... I don't know what to do about my plans never working out lately... seriously. What am I supposed to do now?
I feel so strongly something is going to start making sense soon. Things are becoming more and more confusing... more and more things point to one direction, but I just don't know how I'm gonna follow it. Something's gotta give soon.
It's like looking at a painting of a flower that shifting into something else. While I still look at it trying to see a flower when it's not anymore, it's not going to make me very happy. But eventually the new image will start to unfold a lot more clearly. Right now, it looks kind of like a mess, but I honestly feel it cannot get much more confusing than it is right now.
It's weird maybe to some people, but I've been praying really crazy prayers today. I've been asking God for really huge things.
Honestly, I'm just to the point that I don't know what else to do.
Maybe I haven't really trusted. Maybe I've just been feeling like I was trusting because of how radical my fear has been. How intense my confusion has been.
I'm not exactly a predestination advocate, but I am fully confident that everything is in the hands of God. Everything that happens. I try not to over spiritualize things, but sometimes the only way to describe things is to say there is Something at work quite beyond me. Everything is about God and for God. And if it's not, it's the Enemy. I think it's that simple.
I'm kind of excited in a way. Part of me feels awful to be excited after something so frustrating happening this morning. But seriously... God is up to something, and I'm feeling the shock waves start to reach new parts of my heart. Maybe parts of it that I thought were His, but were really never fully His.
Jeremiah 29 talks about how God will hear us. He will listen to our cries when we seek Him with all of our hearts. So I think this blow has paralyzed me enough to let the heat melt the places I was quick enough to shield in the past. My whole heart. Melted.
There are more ways to surrender than I realized.
I'm finding humor in this. How could I not. This is ridiculous.
Please pray for me. As funny as this whole life is, it's not funny. Ok it's hilarious. But it's not funny.
Pray for me.
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