Memorial Day! Always at Grandma's. I just have to complain about one thing. When I got there, there were M&Ms in a little bowl. "Perfect!" Thought I. M&Ms are gluten-free. Excellent! So I grab two, and begin to chew one. Not long until Zach informs me, "Those have pretzels in them." Translation-- "those have gluten in them." So I spit it out and tried to rinse my mouth out in a bathroom, all to find that the water was shut off in that one. GREAT. So I get to the kitchen sink (which was closer than the other one, i was just trying to be decent...) and rinse my mouth out. Who thought to put a pretzel in an M&M?! And why didn't anyone warn me?
So later when Zach and Caleigh and Mike (my cousin's boyfriend) were discussing bread and butter pickles and how this was the second holiday that Grandma had accidentally bought them instead of "the good ones" I told everyone to just dip em in pretzels. Seems like the sneaky thing to make things better lately. I was bitter. But I got over it. Happy day.
Zach Cal and I had a "random texts" fest. I texted a few people random quotes. One person didn't text me back. I actually don't even think he knew I had his number, which leads me to believe he does not have me in his contacts. Hah! I'm sure it was an interesting moment when he received my text about milk and aglets.... :)
I've been thinking a lot about my possible study abroad summer semester net year. I want to go so badly... Oxford for 5 weeks. To study Jane Austen!? Come on! Amazing. And in the place I've only dreamed of going to for all of my life... and I could be there. Yeah, five weeks is not very long, but it'd be affordable, and just amazing. Of course after seeing Letters to Juliet last night with my fam (the girls in the fam anyway), everyone keeps saying, "Shai, just go for a Brit. That'd be perfect." I can't help but agree. But I was seriously considering why British gentlemen are so darn attractive to so many American women... is it really all in the accent? I'm tempted to believe so. I'm also tempted to assume that the clip to their tones somehow makes for a Mr. Darcy enactment, that sometimes sounds rude, but we know any Brit that sounds rude and clippy in his tone, has got to be completely misunderstood and secretly be the most wonderful, amazing, romantic lover the world failed to recognize. We also know that since the story of Pride and Prejudice was first entitled "First Impressions," we can learn the virtues of not trusting our first impressions, especially when it comes to the Brits.
And then, he'll hit the nail on the head. He'll quote Shakespeare. And it sounds as though he were Shakespeare himself! I was wondering today as I sat at Borders for three wonderful hours why it is that when British men quote beautiful words (words that are not even their own...) that American women absolutely swoon. And why when Americans say the same words, we sound like Elmer Fudd discussing his love to hun Wabbits? It sounds like we try too hard. At least on the outside. I like to think of my own Shakespeare quotations as entirely humble and beautiful. Hah!
I suppose I've thought a good deal about the movie last night. I was wholly enchanted by it. I appreciated the beauty of Italy, and Amanda Seyfried's (Spelling?) long hair that made me miss my own, and the adorable story line. I loved "Sophie's" passion for writing. It made me satisfied with my ridiculous amounts of filled journals, and my sick obsession with writing letters. I loved the simplicity and freedom of sweet things in the movie. Yes, it was a total chick flick. And I LOVED it. I haven't really enjoyed a chick flick for a long time. Not because I don't like them. I just am fairly unimpressed by most of them. I always think of it as, "Would I want my love story to be like that?" And usually the answer is a fat, "HAH! YEAH RIGHT!" And that's usually how it goes for me. So the movie last night... would I want my love story to be like that? Well, I'd much rather have one like that than most others that I've seen. I loved the movie. I've said it so many times. That's huge for me. So you know I'm serious.
Anyway, my conclusions on Brits vs. Americans quoting Shakespeare, and the reactions they collect.... to me personally... I'm still thinking about it. But Shakespeare is always good. So say it right, whichever accent you may assume, and I'll be happy. I might not swoon (unless it's a scene where the reaction is swooning and I recognize the need for the scene to be completely rightly, and justly), but I'll enjoy it.
And so blog stalkers (and Teajay), you may quote Shakespeare any time. I'll appreciate it.
And to any wonderers. The title is the first line of one of the best monologues by Helena in a Midsummer Night's dream. Act 1 Scene 2 I believe? Ahhhh bless you Shakespeare. Bless you.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I do
Do you ever look at your life as if you were standing outside of it? Do you ever think the sky looks so perfect, so inviting, serene and calm, that you decide in an instant you will put your loot inside and then come right back out just to spend some time beneath it? Do you ever make the plan to do so, and then somehow end up forgetting, or deciding against it?
Do you ever get so wrapped up in the things that run through your heart, that you feel completely committed to a thought or idea, and then later you realize (all that single moment's sense) that you weren't really acting out of pure motive? Do you ever think you have it completely figured out, all to change your mind due to your own persuasion after the fact?
Do you ever try desperately to surrender to yourself, just so you can have some peace enough to sleep at night?
Do you ever feel like the simple pleasures of life are not enjoyed enough... and even though you know this full well, you still don't enjoy them even though it's all in your hands to do so? Do you ever wish the wind would allow it's furious finger to thread through the trees all night long, even if it were to keep you awake, just so life doesn't feel at a stand still? Do you wish that the moon would never change positions, just so you can take a moment to breathe, without even the earth turning under your shoes? Do you ever wonder what the voices of stars would sound like, if we could hear them? Do you ever wonder if the voices would be like songs, or if they'd be of terror, or if they'd try to explain the answers to the questions we ask them in passing, in our lives beneath them? Do you ever forget that so many other lives have been lived beneath the same stars? Do you ever forget that God is beyond them, as you lift uncensored and unplanned prayers heavenward? Do you ever wish sand could spin out of your hand, and that the ocean would swoon under the night sky, and that the air would be sweet and cool against your face? Do you ever wish these things just so you can feel alive?
Do you ever wonder why sense is subjective to moods, and why we learn not to trust ourselves, and why we still learn to trust our intuition? Do you ever feel helpless against all that you know, because nothing seems to ever remain constant? Do you ever feel so overwhelmed by love that it all doesn't even matter? Do you ever regret something silly, because you know you didn't need to act or do something you did? Do you ever wish you didn't take a step towards or away from something that may or may not have been wise? Do you ever just wish you could be still, and just let thoughts become senseless dreams?
I do.
Do you ever get so wrapped up in the things that run through your heart, that you feel completely committed to a thought or idea, and then later you realize (all that single moment's sense) that you weren't really acting out of pure motive? Do you ever think you have it completely figured out, all to change your mind due to your own persuasion after the fact?
Do you ever try desperately to surrender to yourself, just so you can have some peace enough to sleep at night?
Do you ever feel like the simple pleasures of life are not enjoyed enough... and even though you know this full well, you still don't enjoy them even though it's all in your hands to do so? Do you ever wish the wind would allow it's furious finger to thread through the trees all night long, even if it were to keep you awake, just so life doesn't feel at a stand still? Do you wish that the moon would never change positions, just so you can take a moment to breathe, without even the earth turning under your shoes? Do you ever wonder what the voices of stars would sound like, if we could hear them? Do you ever wonder if the voices would be like songs, or if they'd be of terror, or if they'd try to explain the answers to the questions we ask them in passing, in our lives beneath them? Do you ever forget that so many other lives have been lived beneath the same stars? Do you ever forget that God is beyond them, as you lift uncensored and unplanned prayers heavenward? Do you ever wish sand could spin out of your hand, and that the ocean would swoon under the night sky, and that the air would be sweet and cool against your face? Do you ever wish these things just so you can feel alive?
Do you ever wonder why sense is subjective to moods, and why we learn not to trust ourselves, and why we still learn to trust our intuition? Do you ever feel helpless against all that you know, because nothing seems to ever remain constant? Do you ever feel so overwhelmed by love that it all doesn't even matter? Do you ever regret something silly, because you know you didn't need to act or do something you did? Do you ever wish you didn't take a step towards or away from something that may or may not have been wise? Do you ever just wish you could be still, and just let thoughts become senseless dreams?
I do.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Freak
This morning, I woke up with a melody in my head. Mornings like these are incredible. I reach for my phone and with my morning wonder of a voice i croak out the words and melody that greeted me before my eyes could adjust to the sun.
And I figured I'd blog about this. I have been really amused in the last few weeks as I've performed some new songs for an audience. I always write under inspiration. If I am not feeling the words out of my own heart, it's stupid. It's not worth sharing. Hardly. I feel like I can't even be the artist who created it if I can't even relate it inside out and spread out on a table. And I guess I've said that numerous time. Because quite a few people I know pretty well, and some not as well, have told me they've been wondering who my song "Too Much" is about. And I'll just say this. If it were about someone, I wouldn't tell you. And although I think it's crazy and kind of lame to write a love-ish song about an imaginary figure in my head, I will admit to occasionally using several different experiences in my own life, into one main idea that I use in a song. So... take that as you will. It's all I'm gonna give ya:)
Anyway, today, this new melody was in my head. And not only that, but a hook with it. A line that could be perfect for a lyrical hook. I thought it was catchy anyway, in my morning disillusion. Golly, mornings like this are like God saying, "Hey Shaina Joy! Catch!" And oh man... I love it. And so the song became whole, and I really like it. My piano skills kick me in the butt. But Zach will come home eventually form going to Em's graduation. And then he'll turn crap music, into beautiful tunes. That's my plan for him anyway.
I know people are going to wonder who this song is about. And no, there was no recent relationship starting and then ending in the last week. Just in case anyone would have the urge to think so. But I will say this. The concept. I wrote about the concept. It doesn't mean that it's not about someone. It does mean that I took threads from a number of thoughts and experiences, and attempted to sew them together into a tapestry, which I have titled, "Away."
And so, if you hear , "Away," just relax, and remember, yes I write what's on my heart, but it's not always about one specific person.
I think I've said this before, but life experiences (especially the painful ones) are so incredibly valuable for a songwriter. It's like a gardener pulling up a crap load of mud full of worms and grossness, and then showing someone who has never dirtied the hands before. To those clean-fingered ones, that stuff is disgusting and means only a mess. But to that gardener, gloved and ready for a blooming battle, that crap is what will make the garden grow. The worms will protect what might become beautiful. The mud will surround the seed that might grow into the rose you'll woo that lady with. It's all to make the end product not only possible, but better. It's the same with the art I love. I write about it. I sing about it. I play about it. The mud of memories keeps my art in place. The worms of fragile, and heartbreaking moments become the hands to craft a beautiful moment in the end.
Sometimes I feel like I should go back to those who were at one point in my life, but in one way or another, are not now. Those moments of exit were recorded well in my heart and in my head. And I've more than likely written a song or more about the story. Sometimes I wish I could say, "Thank you!" because the inspiration was so moving, and freeing, and completely wonderful.
So, now that i've reiterated that I'm a freak, I'm gonna go now. Peace.
And I figured I'd blog about this. I have been really amused in the last few weeks as I've performed some new songs for an audience. I always write under inspiration. If I am not feeling the words out of my own heart, it's stupid. It's not worth sharing. Hardly. I feel like I can't even be the artist who created it if I can't even relate it inside out and spread out on a table. And I guess I've said that numerous time. Because quite a few people I know pretty well, and some not as well, have told me they've been wondering who my song "Too Much" is about. And I'll just say this. If it were about someone, I wouldn't tell you. And although I think it's crazy and kind of lame to write a love-ish song about an imaginary figure in my head, I will admit to occasionally using several different experiences in my own life, into one main idea that I use in a song. So... take that as you will. It's all I'm gonna give ya:)
Anyway, today, this new melody was in my head. And not only that, but a hook with it. A line that could be perfect for a lyrical hook. I thought it was catchy anyway, in my morning disillusion. Golly, mornings like this are like God saying, "Hey Shaina Joy! Catch!" And oh man... I love it. And so the song became whole, and I really like it. My piano skills kick me in the butt. But Zach will come home eventually form going to Em's graduation. And then he'll turn crap music, into beautiful tunes. That's my plan for him anyway.
I know people are going to wonder who this song is about. And no, there was no recent relationship starting and then ending in the last week. Just in case anyone would have the urge to think so. But I will say this. The concept. I wrote about the concept. It doesn't mean that it's not about someone. It does mean that I took threads from a number of thoughts and experiences, and attempted to sew them together into a tapestry, which I have titled, "Away."
And so, if you hear , "Away," just relax, and remember, yes I write what's on my heart, but it's not always about one specific person.
I think I've said this before, but life experiences (especially the painful ones) are so incredibly valuable for a songwriter. It's like a gardener pulling up a crap load of mud full of worms and grossness, and then showing someone who has never dirtied the hands before. To those clean-fingered ones, that stuff is disgusting and means only a mess. But to that gardener, gloved and ready for a blooming battle, that crap is what will make the garden grow. The worms will protect what might become beautiful. The mud will surround the seed that might grow into the rose you'll woo that lady with. It's all to make the end product not only possible, but better. It's the same with the art I love. I write about it. I sing about it. I play about it. The mud of memories keeps my art in place. The worms of fragile, and heartbreaking moments become the hands to craft a beautiful moment in the end.
Sometimes I feel like I should go back to those who were at one point in my life, but in one way or another, are not now. Those moments of exit were recorded well in my heart and in my head. And I've more than likely written a song or more about the story. Sometimes I wish I could say, "Thank you!" because the inspiration was so moving, and freeing, and completely wonderful.
So, now that i've reiterated that I'm a freak, I'm gonna go now. Peace.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
It's good
Well... life is absolutely hoppin' in Williamsville. Zach just announced that he's running to the bank, and asked, "Does anyone wanna come?" Caleigh's and my ears perked up at the invitation as it progressed, assuming he'd only invite us if it were going to be a completely magical time... something like running to Sonic to get an amazing item off the cheap (which equals good) menu. But nope. He was just running to the bank. Talk about boring.
So tonight I ate gluten-free macaroni and cheese. Everyone else had already eaten. I ended up eating the whole thing. Now I feel rather gross. Sad day.
I keep waking up way too early. I don't know why. One would assume the role of a really late sleep after losing an house getting back to the East Coast after living in the Mid West. Once again, I'm disappointed at the progression of my sleeping patterns. I keep waking up early against all odds, and getting extremely fatigued by 4 o'clock in the afternoon or so.
I got to hang out with Bi on Tuesday. I was still in bed as she came in and sat on my bed. And we began the start of our monumental day. The reasons for it being entirely and incredibly monumental are for only us to know. And maybe others much down the road. But for now, it will be one of our best days simply because we say so, and only we'll know why. We graduated 8th grade together years ago on the outside, but inside we're still just 14 year olds. And now only one of us has the long locks to prove it. It's so different, but I do still like my shorter hair. Though I like it, I'm definitely gonna let it grow.
Last night Zach Ben and I had our first shore trip of the summer. It was great. I love love love the beach.
Goodness... this night is rather unexciting. I guess I shouldn't complain. A break is nice. And my brother loves my sister and I so much he didn't even want to go to the bank around the block without us. Ahh life. It's good.
So tonight I ate gluten-free macaroni and cheese. Everyone else had already eaten. I ended up eating the whole thing. Now I feel rather gross. Sad day.
I keep waking up way too early. I don't know why. One would assume the role of a really late sleep after losing an house getting back to the East Coast after living in the Mid West. Once again, I'm disappointed at the progression of my sleeping patterns. I keep waking up early against all odds, and getting extremely fatigued by 4 o'clock in the afternoon or so.
I got to hang out with Bi on Tuesday. I was still in bed as she came in and sat on my bed. And we began the start of our monumental day. The reasons for it being entirely and incredibly monumental are for only us to know. And maybe others much down the road. But for now, it will be one of our best days simply because we say so, and only we'll know why. We graduated 8th grade together years ago on the outside, but inside we're still just 14 year olds. And now only one of us has the long locks to prove it. It's so different, but I do still like my shorter hair. Though I like it, I'm definitely gonna let it grow.
Last night Zach Ben and I had our first shore trip of the summer. It was great. I love love love the beach.
Goodness... this night is rather unexciting. I guess I shouldn't complain. A break is nice. And my brother loves my sister and I so much he didn't even want to go to the bank around the block without us. Ahh life. It's good.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The way to my heart
Today was monumental. In many ways. In some unspoken ways, and then.... in the event that I cut around 12 inches off (Locks of Love!) of my long locks. My hair is now to only my shoulders.
And so, a picture might be nice, right? Well, so far, I like to sorta keep it mysterious and wait for people to just see me. I guess I've advertised it a bit anyway through statuses and what not. And yeah, if you were one of the few to see me upload a picture on facebook, you might know it was only up long enough to get a few people in a fury of commenting on the new do, but I took it down immediately, because I want it to be a bit more sought after. I can't make this crazy change easy for everyone else now, can I?
Ahhh... my head is sooo much lighter. But in case anyone wants to know, the way to my heart is still through my hair. And I'm thinking that will never change, no matter how far away the ends are from my face. It just might be harder for you to sneak up on me;)
And so, a picture might be nice, right? Well, so far, I like to sorta keep it mysterious and wait for people to just see me. I guess I've advertised it a bit anyway through statuses and what not. And yeah, if you were one of the few to see me upload a picture on facebook, you might know it was only up long enough to get a few people in a fury of commenting on the new do, but I took it down immediately, because I want it to be a bit more sought after. I can't make this crazy change easy for everyone else now, can I?
Ahhh... my head is sooo much lighter. But in case anyone wants to know, the way to my heart is still through my hair. And I'm thinking that will never change, no matter how far away the ends are from my face. It just might be harder for you to sneak up on me;)
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Sweet Nothings
As I type, I'm sitting on a bench in the center of the Greenville College campus. No, I am not home yet. Still got a few more hours before we leave.
The sky so clear, and open above me invites a sigh of contentment yet question. I can't tell if I'm so contemplative yet still right now because I'm so full, or because I'm vacant. I can't tell if my thoughts are solid or soft. Brick, or sand. Tangible, or out of reach. I can't tell if I'm happy to go home, or just plain confused. So I guess sitting with that crazy bright star in front of me, and the moon on my left might allow me the space to collect my scattered thoughts.
I was about to say that there is absolutely no one in sight, but a few people just walked through campus. Visitors. I'd recognize them I think if they were students.
This year is ending. My junior year is concluded. It feels odd to still be here. It's kinda of like, "Where is my identity?" because I'm just coexisting with the buildings on campus. Now that graduation is over, and almost all of my goodbyes have been said, I'm not sure what to do with myself.
Wow, this sounds so depressing. Let's move to a lighter note.
I can honestly say this school year has been amazing. I love the person I've become. I'm different than I used to be. Even I can see that. I'm not sure if the changes are subtle or not, but I know I'm different. I never thought I'd have the capacity of love in my heart to make more incredible friends than I already have at home. But I think something else I've learned is love is something that cannot be contained. It's an odd phenomenon I could never explain. I just know it's not to be contained. And when it is contained, it's a bummer. Bad times. Sad day.
You know... I don't think I even have enough of my head right now to finish this. It's just going to go in circles. Maybe I'll get my act together in this braided head of mine sometime soon. Until then, I think I might just soak in the vast expansion above me. And try not to let any more bugs down my shirt like just now. Yeah. That'd be awesome.
The sky so clear, and open above me invites a sigh of contentment yet question. I can't tell if I'm so contemplative yet still right now because I'm so full, or because I'm vacant. I can't tell if my thoughts are solid or soft. Brick, or sand. Tangible, or out of reach. I can't tell if I'm happy to go home, or just plain confused. So I guess sitting with that crazy bright star in front of me, and the moon on my left might allow me the space to collect my scattered thoughts.
I was about to say that there is absolutely no one in sight, but a few people just walked through campus. Visitors. I'd recognize them I think if they were students.
This year is ending. My junior year is concluded. It feels odd to still be here. It's kinda of like, "Where is my identity?" because I'm just coexisting with the buildings on campus. Now that graduation is over, and almost all of my goodbyes have been said, I'm not sure what to do with myself.
Wow, this sounds so depressing. Let's move to a lighter note.
I can honestly say this school year has been amazing. I love the person I've become. I'm different than I used to be. Even I can see that. I'm not sure if the changes are subtle or not, but I know I'm different. I never thought I'd have the capacity of love in my heart to make more incredible friends than I already have at home. But I think something else I've learned is love is something that cannot be contained. It's an odd phenomenon I could never explain. I just know it's not to be contained. And when it is contained, it's a bummer. Bad times. Sad day.
You know... I don't think I even have enough of my head right now to finish this. It's just going to go in circles. Maybe I'll get my act together in this braided head of mine sometime soon. Until then, I think I might just soak in the vast expansion above me. And try not to let any more bugs down my shirt like just now. Yeah. That'd be awesome.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The message you never got
So right now, Zach Trina and I are watching a movie in the Burritt lounge with News From Verona. They won battle of the bands at Agape a few weeks ago. They were on their way to Indiana (or something?) and got stranded in Greenville. Random? Yes. So anyway, Trina ran their merch table at Agape, and we went into Adam Bros after our choir party, and bam, there they were. And so we've spent the evening with them. Hilarious. And who says Greenville gets boring after everyone leaves? It's still hoppin'.
So we're watching Be Kind Rewind. I guess I'm technically not. I'm writing this blog.
I admit I felt kinda odd when Trina and I walked into the lounge with three guys looking all band-ish... all three of em have the hat things that are all in and what not. I mean, they're a band right? Gotta represent and stuff? Anyway, I thought it was kinda hilarious that Trina and I would be seen with three strange guys. But I promise you all, my brother came soon after grabbing the DVD from his room. And, he was there at Adam Bros with us for a while too.
So, i'll explain the title now. News From Verona is the band name. They decided on it as inspired by Romeo and Juliet, and how the two messages Juliet got were "news from Verona." If you know the story, one of the messages was a message she did not receive and it ended badly. So the idea of the name is "news you never got" that could save your life. Christian band. They're pretty good I'll give my approval.
Well, after a day of finishing all of my classes, and ending my Junior year here at Greenville, I think I'll go watch this movie... Zach and I even got to play two songs at Adam Bros tonight. Twas fun! Alrighty-ho! On the day goes!
So we're watching Be Kind Rewind. I guess I'm technically not. I'm writing this blog.
I admit I felt kinda odd when Trina and I walked into the lounge with three guys looking all band-ish... all three of em have the hat things that are all in and what not. I mean, they're a band right? Gotta represent and stuff? Anyway, I thought it was kinda hilarious that Trina and I would be seen with three strange guys. But I promise you all, my brother came soon after grabbing the DVD from his room. And, he was there at Adam Bros with us for a while too.
So, i'll explain the title now. News From Verona is the band name. They decided on it as inspired by Romeo and Juliet, and how the two messages Juliet got were "news from Verona." If you know the story, one of the messages was a message she did not receive and it ended badly. So the idea of the name is "news you never got" that could save your life. Christian band. They're pretty good I'll give my approval.
Well, after a day of finishing all of my classes, and ending my Junior year here at Greenville, I think I'll go watch this movie... Zach and I even got to play two songs at Adam Bros tonight. Twas fun! Alrighty-ho! On the day goes!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
But one more day before the end
And so today, I have thus far completed four more classes. I finished one on Monday, and I have two more to finish tonight. A paper for one, and a project for another. I am so exhausted. I even cried freely after my hour and a half ear training final. Seriously, a fully diminished chord sounded major by the end of that thing. Ya can't take that long for ear training.... The tears were hilarious and laughter abounded through them. It was almost fun as Mike and Kelly joined me and Mike crowned me with the famous bunny ears.
Kelly and I went to Adam Bros after i finally took my piano final. I hardly practiced, yet still got a pretty ok grade on it. I didn't complain. I completely improvised as I was playing. I was satisfied. Coffee has become a ok thing to my tongue this semester. I always hated coffee. But those boys at Adam Bros know howta make it good. And little by little, I'm liking it a tad but more every time I get another frappe. Sure it's not black coffee straight up, but honey, give it time. Don't give up on me. It's a uphill slope.
Anyway, the de-stresser with Kelly was exactly what I needed, and then choir for an hour and a half was actually pretty pleasant. I am entirely fatigued beyond good sense. Somehow I still need enough to finish this darn protools project in 45 minutes, and then write a five page paper. But oh, life is good. I love it. And I can't believe so many people have left today! And tomorrow, almost everyone else will be gone. I don't know what to do really. I am so emotional, but it's not really coming out. Except for after ear training. That was a bit uncensored. But I honestly am not sure if I'm gonna be a blubbering baby tomorrow or not. I have a class early at 9:30 at Dr. Hartley's for our last little get together for intro to worship. We're making bread and taking communion together. I can't eat it, but it's gonna be pretty cool.
I feel like I've only just met so many amazing people here. I don't want to abandon the new relationships I've built in the last few weeks. It feels wrong to just pack up and leave. So, this eludes to how I have not packed a single thing yet. But seriously, I don't leave until Monday. So don't expect me to be studying for how many freaking finals and project I've had, and packing all the while as well. Nope. Ya. Ya right.
Last week was ridiculous and busy. This week has lasted forever. And it's Wednesday. Holy cow, get me to Thursday night!! I have a bunch of random things to take care of tomorrow even after everything is done with classes and exams. I guess I get stressed easily when it comes to a list of tasked to be completed. I focus so string that it's straining my natural ability to undertake. Ahhh when it comes to group projects, it can be tough for me. I like to do well. And I know everyone else does too. But it's so difficult to find a happy medium. I had such a good time working with my group for COR 302 this semester. And I'm totally psyched to work with the new group for Cor 401 next semester! It's gonna be some good times with them people. They're good ones. I'm looking forward to it.
My dad, Nate, and Caleigh are coming over to help Zach and I move out and take our stuff home. I really don't have too much. So I'm not worried about all my stuff fitting, but Zach has got a ton of music stuff and speakers and amps... it will be good to have Dad come out. And I'm so excited to see Cal. She and I have been conversing late into the night lately. It's so sweet. I love her so much. And I can't wait to spend the summer with her. And for her to occupy my room here with me after Francine leaves tomorrow. I don't know what i'm gonna do when she leaves. I've had the best time with her this semester. She's seen me in all my angles. She sees me when I stumble out of bed and accidentally walk into things. She's seen my hair in it's freest forms. She's heard my lame sleep talking, and always pauses to take it in so she can give me a great account of it once I reach the land of the living. She and I have witness the very core of each other. And yet still, there is love! Hah... oh that girl. She is coming to visit me this summer, for which I am extremely excited.
We all made t-shirts on our floor this past Saturday. We all put our floor nick names on the back with our room numbers and funny quotes from the year. We even have a traveling shirt we made that will be passed around this summer to each of us. It's super cute. Golly... I can't beleive the days of 3BE are concluding. 3rd Burritt East will never be the same. I'll never wake up and see Kelcie brushing her teeth in the sink next to me as we both sleepily attempt good hygiene. All these girls... what am I gonna do without them?! I'm so glad Katie Whitney and Trina are gonna be all with me next year in Tenny. Room 204! But no. It's not time for that yet. I'm still room 312 on 3BE. One thing at a time, ok?
Ok, now that this journal-like entry has gone on this long, I feel as though I must conclude this now. I have only a few more things to go tonight. The library will be my home once more this semester, one last time as Kirstie and I attempt this worship paper. Ahhh and may this night last long enough to live it all with wide eyes. How can I bear to blink it away.... like a song I wrote a year ago before I graduated. *Sigh* And so adieu.
Kelly and I went to Adam Bros after i finally took my piano final. I hardly practiced, yet still got a pretty ok grade on it. I didn't complain. I completely improvised as I was playing. I was satisfied. Coffee has become a ok thing to my tongue this semester. I always hated coffee. But those boys at Adam Bros know howta make it good. And little by little, I'm liking it a tad but more every time I get another frappe. Sure it's not black coffee straight up, but honey, give it time. Don't give up on me. It's a uphill slope.
Anyway, the de-stresser with Kelly was exactly what I needed, and then choir for an hour and a half was actually pretty pleasant. I am entirely fatigued beyond good sense. Somehow I still need enough to finish this darn protools project in 45 minutes, and then write a five page paper. But oh, life is good. I love it. And I can't believe so many people have left today! And tomorrow, almost everyone else will be gone. I don't know what to do really. I am so emotional, but it's not really coming out. Except for after ear training. That was a bit uncensored. But I honestly am not sure if I'm gonna be a blubbering baby tomorrow or not. I have a class early at 9:30 at Dr. Hartley's for our last little get together for intro to worship. We're making bread and taking communion together. I can't eat it, but it's gonna be pretty cool.
I feel like I've only just met so many amazing people here. I don't want to abandon the new relationships I've built in the last few weeks. It feels wrong to just pack up and leave. So, this eludes to how I have not packed a single thing yet. But seriously, I don't leave until Monday. So don't expect me to be studying for how many freaking finals and project I've had, and packing all the while as well. Nope. Ya. Ya right.
Last week was ridiculous and busy. This week has lasted forever. And it's Wednesday. Holy cow, get me to Thursday night!! I have a bunch of random things to take care of tomorrow even after everything is done with classes and exams. I guess I get stressed easily when it comes to a list of tasked to be completed. I focus so string that it's straining my natural ability to undertake. Ahhh when it comes to group projects, it can be tough for me. I like to do well. And I know everyone else does too. But it's so difficult to find a happy medium. I had such a good time working with my group for COR 302 this semester. And I'm totally psyched to work with the new group for Cor 401 next semester! It's gonna be some good times with them people. They're good ones. I'm looking forward to it.
My dad, Nate, and Caleigh are coming over to help Zach and I move out and take our stuff home. I really don't have too much. So I'm not worried about all my stuff fitting, but Zach has got a ton of music stuff and speakers and amps... it will be good to have Dad come out. And I'm so excited to see Cal. She and I have been conversing late into the night lately. It's so sweet. I love her so much. And I can't wait to spend the summer with her. And for her to occupy my room here with me after Francine leaves tomorrow. I don't know what i'm gonna do when she leaves. I've had the best time with her this semester. She's seen me in all my angles. She sees me when I stumble out of bed and accidentally walk into things. She's seen my hair in it's freest forms. She's heard my lame sleep talking, and always pauses to take it in so she can give me a great account of it once I reach the land of the living. She and I have witness the very core of each other. And yet still, there is love! Hah... oh that girl. She is coming to visit me this summer, for which I am extremely excited.
We all made t-shirts on our floor this past Saturday. We all put our floor nick names on the back with our room numbers and funny quotes from the year. We even have a traveling shirt we made that will be passed around this summer to each of us. It's super cute. Golly... I can't beleive the days of 3BE are concluding. 3rd Burritt East will never be the same. I'll never wake up and see Kelcie brushing her teeth in the sink next to me as we both sleepily attempt good hygiene. All these girls... what am I gonna do without them?! I'm so glad Katie Whitney and Trina are gonna be all with me next year in Tenny. Room 204! But no. It's not time for that yet. I'm still room 312 on 3BE. One thing at a time, ok?
Ok, now that this journal-like entry has gone on this long, I feel as though I must conclude this now. I have only a few more things to go tonight. The library will be my home once more this semester, one last time as Kirstie and I attempt this worship paper. Ahhh and may this night last long enough to live it all with wide eyes. How can I bear to blink it away.... like a song I wrote a year ago before I graduated. *Sigh* And so adieu.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Still counting down, and so sad about it
This is the last Sunday with everyone here at Greenville. It's so depressing, I feel so down, I'm not sure what to do with myself.
I love Greenville people so much. Oh gosh, I don't think I've ever ever ever in my life been so upset to end school! What the heck. I'm just gonna list a bunch of things off. I have the best floor. All these girls are hilarious and so precious. I love them all. I love my profs, some of them even wear wear furry gloves and dread locks... in some ways I wish I were kidding.... but I'm not and that is amazing. I love studying with amazing freaks that start dancing and freakin' out while in the middle of the library. I love the musician glaze that lays over just about all of us. I love that we all complain about the D.C. (dining commons) but it's one of the best places on campus because it brings us all together. I love that every day in Intro Worship this semester I'd end up practically sitting on Kirstie's or Karel's or Rachel's laps because the stinking air conditioner was breathing ice on us for an hour and a half. Gosh, this semester at Greenville has been the best of my college experience thus far. BCC was a silly imitation (if you could ever begin to compare that school to Gville....) of what college is really about. It's amazing. I love college.
Well, that's about it. I'm off to the library to study with a bud. Maybe he'll freak out and start dancing or something too. Yes. That'd be good.
I love Greenville people so much. Oh gosh, I don't think I've ever ever ever in my life been so upset to end school! What the heck. I'm just gonna list a bunch of things off. I have the best floor. All these girls are hilarious and so precious. I love them all. I love my profs, some of them even wear wear furry gloves and dread locks... in some ways I wish I were kidding.... but I'm not and that is amazing. I love studying with amazing freaks that start dancing and freakin' out while in the middle of the library. I love the musician glaze that lays over just about all of us. I love that we all complain about the D.C. (dining commons) but it's one of the best places on campus because it brings us all together. I love that every day in Intro Worship this semester I'd end up practically sitting on Kirstie's or Karel's or Rachel's laps because the stinking air conditioner was breathing ice on us for an hour and a half. Gosh, this semester at Greenville has been the best of my college experience thus far. BCC was a silly imitation (if you could ever begin to compare that school to Gville....) of what college is really about. It's amazing. I love college.
Well, that's about it. I'm off to the library to study with a bud. Maybe he'll freak out and start dancing or something too. Yes. That'd be good.
Friday, May 14, 2010
The countdown continues
Today is Juries for music majors! I am currently listening/singing to Colbie Calliat, which begins my warm up routine when I'm not in a practice room. Her range is so low that I can start from the bottom up. Usually works pretty well:)
Today I went to my last class for the semester. For the year for that matter. Cor papers have been completed! Praise the Lord. And now for my jury and a bunch of exams and a few more papers for next week. I admit I am pretty stressed. However, I am just loving life right now. God is so good. Oh gosh, I can hardly express why I feel so cradled in His hands right now. I can just see His hand in my life in so many random ways.
And so in the midst of my tests and exams and papers and performances, I am secretly loving every moment. I know this is sort of sad, but I'm sad to go home in ten days. I wish the semester would drag out longer. I don't want to leave my precious friends I have here. I want to keep meeting new people. I want to keep waking up to see little old Ruth cleaning our showers. I want to continue to play random disgusting tricks on our RC. I want to eat lunch and dinner with the same people all the time, and study with them, and go to class with them, and then somehow end up falling asleep in the room next to theirs. I don't want to move on into the summer. I love this so much. So much, that I could handle not having an academic break.
Obviously, I would love a break as well... but I'm not looking forward to being away from all my people here. I don't think I've ever been so sad to end a school year. This school year has held so many things. Things I never would have anticipated. I know it's cliche to say god has a sense of humor. But I think my version if saying this, is God knows who I am better than I do. He knows what I want. He knows what I need. He knows what's gonna tick me off. He knows when I have a bad hair day everything feels just as frizzled. He knows I love my nails long and regret it every time I have to cut them to be a more sophisticated pianist. He knows when I say, "that is never gonna happen," that I'm just kicking myself in the butt, because whatever I'm disclaiming could very likely indeed happen anyway. How He has worked in my life and in my heart is amazing.
I have got to say I love the worshipping people this school has. Last night at Vespers was so refreshing, and so powerful. I love to sit in the back sometimes. When I see the worshippers in the rows ahead of me, I am often so moved by the release of worship that it absolutely stills my heart, and moves me so powerfully within. The release of worship in those around me, is like a release inside myself to worship. And oh... the indescribable moments when we all sing with no music "In my life be lifted high, in our world be lifted high, in our love be lifted high"... nothing, nothing, nothing is like it.
All day long, classes go on. People learn things they never knew before, and some things they wish they didn't learn. They wake up with pounding headaches from late night papers and studying. They go about their day, stopping to eat occasionally. And then we all come together, and praise the God of everything... all together. And I have to say i am always so pleased at how beautiful all the many harmonies of the a cappella moments in worship. This school has so many singers. So many talents folks. It's just awesome. I love it. Oh gosh, do I love it.
And so, I suppose my Carrie Underwood warm ups are next... time to change into my jury dress, and get on down to the practice rooms! Boo ya!
Today I went to my last class for the semester. For the year for that matter. Cor papers have been completed! Praise the Lord. And now for my jury and a bunch of exams and a few more papers for next week. I admit I am pretty stressed. However, I am just loving life right now. God is so good. Oh gosh, I can hardly express why I feel so cradled in His hands right now. I can just see His hand in my life in so many random ways.
And so in the midst of my tests and exams and papers and performances, I am secretly loving every moment. I know this is sort of sad, but I'm sad to go home in ten days. I wish the semester would drag out longer. I don't want to leave my precious friends I have here. I want to keep meeting new people. I want to keep waking up to see little old Ruth cleaning our showers. I want to continue to play random disgusting tricks on our RC. I want to eat lunch and dinner with the same people all the time, and study with them, and go to class with them, and then somehow end up falling asleep in the room next to theirs. I don't want to move on into the summer. I love this so much. So much, that I could handle not having an academic break.
Obviously, I would love a break as well... but I'm not looking forward to being away from all my people here. I don't think I've ever been so sad to end a school year. This school year has held so many things. Things I never would have anticipated. I know it's cliche to say god has a sense of humor. But I think my version if saying this, is God knows who I am better than I do. He knows what I want. He knows what I need. He knows what's gonna tick me off. He knows when I have a bad hair day everything feels just as frizzled. He knows I love my nails long and regret it every time I have to cut them to be a more sophisticated pianist. He knows when I say, "that is never gonna happen," that I'm just kicking myself in the butt, because whatever I'm disclaiming could very likely indeed happen anyway. How He has worked in my life and in my heart is amazing.
I have got to say I love the worshipping people this school has. Last night at Vespers was so refreshing, and so powerful. I love to sit in the back sometimes. When I see the worshippers in the rows ahead of me, I am often so moved by the release of worship that it absolutely stills my heart, and moves me so powerfully within. The release of worship in those around me, is like a release inside myself to worship. And oh... the indescribable moments when we all sing with no music "In my life be lifted high, in our world be lifted high, in our love be lifted high"... nothing, nothing, nothing is like it.
All day long, classes go on. People learn things they never knew before, and some things they wish they didn't learn. They wake up with pounding headaches from late night papers and studying. They go about their day, stopping to eat occasionally. And then we all come together, and praise the God of everything... all together. And I have to say i am always so pleased at how beautiful all the many harmonies of the a cappella moments in worship. This school has so many singers. So many talents folks. It's just awesome. I love it. Oh gosh, do I love it.
And so, I suppose my Carrie Underwood warm ups are next... time to change into my jury dress, and get on down to the practice rooms! Boo ya!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Matris Hodie
Today is Mother's Day!
My first mother's day apart from muh mama. It's kinda sad. For moms like my mom, they deserve way more than one day a year celebrated in their honor. My mom is literally the best example of Supermom I can think of. That woman is unbelievable. I don't know how she functions day in and day out as Mother of Williamsville with such fluidity. When I was at home, I definitely needed breaks. I had to have some time out of the house to function every now and then. But my mom basically never gets that. Like, ever.
I'm so thankful for my mom. I'm so thankful for the way she raised me. I'm so thankful for the higher standard she instilled in all of us. I'm so thankful for her "singing voice" that makes life so grand in the golden moments it appears. I'm so thankful that she can wax my eyebrows for me cause I'd never go out and take care of it myself. I'm so thankful she has such a heart for her children. I'm so thankful she is in love with the Lord far more than anyone, even surpassing her love for my dad. And there's eight kids. They're in love. Nuff said. I'm so thankful for her patience and kindness and love. I'm thankful that she understands me when I talk in circles. I'm so thankful that she has created our home to be a place I love to bring my friends.
My mom is hilarious. Zach and I roll our eyes (completely out of love!!) over how funny she is. Especially last night, when I went to the jr/sr... my mom told Zach to follow us. And she was serious:) I loved it. Ohhhh man, funny times. I went. That is all I'm going to say about it. That and I had fun dressing up wearing a rather extremely comfortable dress. And the best part was the black gloves that went past my elbows:) Kept me warm anyway. Between my hair being down and the gloves I was practically wearing a jacket in the 38 degree weather.
And I just have to throw in here, I cannot wait to be a mom. And hopefully a mom just like mine.
Yesterday Zach and I auditioned for Blackroom Records. Both of us sorta felt like, "eh" about it. My allergies are still putting up a fight against my joy in life, and still punching my throat like my lungs are punching bags. Stupid. And Zach has been a bit dry lately with singing too, so we kinda "wung it" didn't even get to practice much with Josh Hawkins who played with us for one of our songs. It's been awesome writing with Zach. His music is so SOOOO fresh, and gosh I just love it. His melodies make me sing before I even have words. It's like my voice rises up within me knowing full well this song needs a voice, and it is to be sung. I know that sounded silly. I don't care. Anyway, we'll probably find out the results of the auditions Tuesday or so. A bunch of other awesome people auditioned. This school has so much talent. I love walking by someone and thinking, "Yep. It's only a matter of time before that dude's gonna be famous." There are quite a few... just wait. And I get to say, "hey I know him!" And maybe even one day Zach and I will get going enough to get out there ourselves. T'would be excellent.
Well, I'm gonna get going for lunch. Meeting the brother.
Happy Mother's Day Mom!! I love you!!
My first mother's day apart from muh mama. It's kinda sad. For moms like my mom, they deserve way more than one day a year celebrated in their honor. My mom is literally the best example of Supermom I can think of. That woman is unbelievable. I don't know how she functions day in and day out as Mother of Williamsville with such fluidity. When I was at home, I definitely needed breaks. I had to have some time out of the house to function every now and then. But my mom basically never gets that. Like, ever.
I'm so thankful for my mom. I'm so thankful for the way she raised me. I'm so thankful for the higher standard she instilled in all of us. I'm so thankful for her "singing voice" that makes life so grand in the golden moments it appears. I'm so thankful that she can wax my eyebrows for me cause I'd never go out and take care of it myself. I'm so thankful she has such a heart for her children. I'm so thankful she is in love with the Lord far more than anyone, even surpassing her love for my dad. And there's eight kids. They're in love. Nuff said. I'm so thankful for her patience and kindness and love. I'm thankful that she understands me when I talk in circles. I'm so thankful that she has created our home to be a place I love to bring my friends.
My mom is hilarious. Zach and I roll our eyes (completely out of love!!) over how funny she is. Especially last night, when I went to the jr/sr... my mom told Zach to follow us. And she was serious:) I loved it. Ohhhh man, funny times. I went. That is all I'm going to say about it. That and I had fun dressing up wearing a rather extremely comfortable dress. And the best part was the black gloves that went past my elbows:) Kept me warm anyway. Between my hair being down and the gloves I was practically wearing a jacket in the 38 degree weather.
And I just have to throw in here, I cannot wait to be a mom. And hopefully a mom just like mine.
Yesterday Zach and I auditioned for Blackroom Records. Both of us sorta felt like, "eh" about it. My allergies are still putting up a fight against my joy in life, and still punching my throat like my lungs are punching bags. Stupid. And Zach has been a bit dry lately with singing too, so we kinda "wung it" didn't even get to practice much with Josh Hawkins who played with us for one of our songs. It's been awesome writing with Zach. His music is so SOOOO fresh, and gosh I just love it. His melodies make me sing before I even have words. It's like my voice rises up within me knowing full well this song needs a voice, and it is to be sung. I know that sounded silly. I don't care. Anyway, we'll probably find out the results of the auditions Tuesday or so. A bunch of other awesome people auditioned. This school has so much talent. I love walking by someone and thinking, "Yep. It's only a matter of time before that dude's gonna be famous." There are quite a few... just wait. And I get to say, "hey I know him!" And maybe even one day Zach and I will get going enough to get out there ourselves. T'would be excellent.
Well, I'm gonna get going for lunch. Meeting the brother.
Happy Mother's Day Mom!! I love you!!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I'm innocent
And so, a beautiful day has found it well to meet with us this day in petite Greenville IL!
Today was thus far a series of appreciated mishaps. I decided to skip my morning class at 8:30... I'll explain... and then I had to trade piano class for my time slot to perform for my voice studio class... it had to be done. Juries are next week. And then Recording class was canceled. I still had three classes and have one more tonight. So even with the deletions I still had a fairly busy day.
Ok, now to perceptively irresponsibility of skipping class this morning.
Last night I went to bed at the fairly reasonable time of 1 a.m, after playing a wonderful prank on our RC.... I couldn't sleep though. So I called my sister, and we chatted for a bit. And then, the power went off. "Great," I thought. "Now there's just no hope." I cannot sleep if the fan/air conditioner is off. So I crept around on facebook for a while, and decided to go outside to look at the stars. All the lights on campus were out, and it was not storming. It was in fact perfectly, startlingly incandescently clear out. The moon, selfishly hiding half of it's beauty, lit the darkened space beneath. The other side of the sky was spotted with crystal, like fire in it's purest form taking on a white glow. The air was sweet and soft, and cool to my sleep-forsaken eyes. It felt good. I wanted to stay in its company. I backed up outside of Burritt, and leaned on the wall, and exhaled. The combination of the fresh, perfect air with the calm and settled stir of the essence of the heavenly celebrities, was moving. Moving in the sense that it could still the wildest motion, ease the incurable furies of our feeble fortitude.
The moment was good enough for me. I could have easily stayed much, much longer. But decided against it. I hopped up the 5 flights of stairs two at a time, my feet slapping the tiles. I heard a someone snoring through the door on the first floor. I tried not to render the resonant snores as little laughters coming to mock my wakefulness. I crawled into bed, quite conscious of the inconsolable temper sleep tends to have. If you try to obtain it with a bad attitude, the attitude comes right back at you, and forbids you the satisfaction of taking hold of its desired sweetness. I tried to be polite, I honestly did. I even tried to think well of the springy, shaky mattress below me. But stinkin' sleep has a bad sense of humor, and as demonstrated last night, holds grudges when I don't obey the call to sleep when I'm well and ready for it.
I lay there, my head on my pillow. No noise whatsoever. That stinking air conditioner was in on this little game sleep was playing at my heartbreaking expense. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, as if it were functioning inside my pillow instead of my chest. I could hear the pulse actually moving the cotton cover on my pillow. It was disgusting.
Eventually my delirious thoughts became lost amidst the unconscious dreamlike renditions of mental musings. Sleep surrendered it's apathetic appraisals. I was asleep. At least I was when my alarm went off at 8 o'clock this morning. My voice was like a man's after smoking for 67 years. I felt sweaty and altogether discombobulated. The air conditioner had come back on at some point during my slumber. I suppose the state I found myself in this morning was evidence enough that I had wrestled with little miss sleep like a one man fishnet would have to wrestle with a fairly large fish after catching it as it sputters and freaks out on the ground, desperate for water. Although I was wrestling with the mental prospect of misery, it was exhausting.
And so, I turned my alarm back on for a later hour, and returned to sleep.
And so this is my story and I'm stickin' to it.
Today was thus far a series of appreciated mishaps. I decided to skip my morning class at 8:30... I'll explain... and then I had to trade piano class for my time slot to perform for my voice studio class... it had to be done. Juries are next week. And then Recording class was canceled. I still had three classes and have one more tonight. So even with the deletions I still had a fairly busy day.
Ok, now to perceptively irresponsibility of skipping class this morning.
Last night I went to bed at the fairly reasonable time of 1 a.m, after playing a wonderful prank on our RC.... I couldn't sleep though. So I called my sister, and we chatted for a bit. And then, the power went off. "Great," I thought. "Now there's just no hope." I cannot sleep if the fan/air conditioner is off. So I crept around on facebook for a while, and decided to go outside to look at the stars. All the lights on campus were out, and it was not storming. It was in fact perfectly, startlingly incandescently clear out. The moon, selfishly hiding half of it's beauty, lit the darkened space beneath. The other side of the sky was spotted with crystal, like fire in it's purest form taking on a white glow. The air was sweet and soft, and cool to my sleep-forsaken eyes. It felt good. I wanted to stay in its company. I backed up outside of Burritt, and leaned on the wall, and exhaled. The combination of the fresh, perfect air with the calm and settled stir of the essence of the heavenly celebrities, was moving. Moving in the sense that it could still the wildest motion, ease the incurable furies of our feeble fortitude.
The moment was good enough for me. I could have easily stayed much, much longer. But decided against it. I hopped up the 5 flights of stairs two at a time, my feet slapping the tiles. I heard a someone snoring through the door on the first floor. I tried not to render the resonant snores as little laughters coming to mock my wakefulness. I crawled into bed, quite conscious of the inconsolable temper sleep tends to have. If you try to obtain it with a bad attitude, the attitude comes right back at you, and forbids you the satisfaction of taking hold of its desired sweetness. I tried to be polite, I honestly did. I even tried to think well of the springy, shaky mattress below me. But stinkin' sleep has a bad sense of humor, and as demonstrated last night, holds grudges when I don't obey the call to sleep when I'm well and ready for it.
I lay there, my head on my pillow. No noise whatsoever. That stinking air conditioner was in on this little game sleep was playing at my heartbreaking expense. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, as if it were functioning inside my pillow instead of my chest. I could hear the pulse actually moving the cotton cover on my pillow. It was disgusting.
Eventually my delirious thoughts became lost amidst the unconscious dreamlike renditions of mental musings. Sleep surrendered it's apathetic appraisals. I was asleep. At least I was when my alarm went off at 8 o'clock this morning. My voice was like a man's after smoking for 67 years. I felt sweaty and altogether discombobulated. The air conditioner had come back on at some point during my slumber. I suppose the state I found myself in this morning was evidence enough that I had wrestled with little miss sleep like a one man fishnet would have to wrestle with a fairly large fish after catching it as it sputters and freaks out on the ground, desperate for water. Although I was wrestling with the mental prospect of misery, it was exhausting.
And so, I turned my alarm back on for a later hour, and returned to sleep.
And so this is my story and I'm stickin' to it.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
May the 4th be with you
I know my title is cliche, but it had to be done.
I have just been having a really good day. I found out i nailed an A on a test I was dying over, so I naturally have felt very accomplished since this morning.
I was just thinking today how hilarious life is. Just when I begin to think my life is sort of boring at the moment, something new happens and makes me just mentally roll my eyes at my blondness over the simple complexity of life. It never gets old. It just keeps on chuggin. And never ceases to give me a moment to even process that it keeps going, which is just like trying to fix my hair while driving in a convertible which is also hilarious. Eventually you just gotta let your hair blow, and go with it.
So I guess I feel like my hair is blowing. It's probably covering my face so you can't see me physically roll my eyes at the hilarity of the day, but it's all good.
I have just been having a really good day. I found out i nailed an A on a test I was dying over, so I naturally have felt very accomplished since this morning.
I was just thinking today how hilarious life is. Just when I begin to think my life is sort of boring at the moment, something new happens and makes me just mentally roll my eyes at my blondness over the simple complexity of life. It never gets old. It just keeps on chuggin. And never ceases to give me a moment to even process that it keeps going, which is just like trying to fix my hair while driving in a convertible which is also hilarious. Eventually you just gotta let your hair blow, and go with it.
So I guess I feel like my hair is blowing. It's probably covering my face so you can't see me physically roll my eyes at the hilarity of the day, but it's all good.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Worship
I decided I'd take a break from writing my paper... This week for Intro to Worship, we have to read a chapter on Emerging worship, and write a two-page response. So, I read the chapter. Check. I started writing the paper, but the chapter was confusing. I got a total of two words on my word doc right now. Both of which consist of my first and last name. I figure that's a good start.
I've been sort of thoughtful though as I was reading this final chapter in this book for Worship class. Especially in this chapter on Emerging worship. Even though I feel like I couldn't even find a point to it, I was intrigued by the fictional story the chapter opened with. It was a story about a common day in the life of a worship leader really. And it was really depressing. I suppose life does get tiring and exhausting and it can feel entirely mundane in it's backbreaking repetition. However, I felt rather frustrated with the description.
The story was meant to paint a picture of how many worship leaders and church leaders take it upon themselves to "fix" the hurting world, and to bring people back to the Lord, instead of allowing the work to be done by God himself. I may have these facts wrong. Like I said, I was spacing while I was reading. Anyway, I'm just gonna fly with my thoughts anyway.
I disagree with the thought that worship leaders put on an act to "bring people back." I feel like that was a slap in the face. I think worship leaders as well as pastors need to be above reproach and do the best they can to maintain a good example, but I can hardly agree that they're fake.
Once, Don Jagers, a pastor who used to be at my home church, told our Epic worship team (For the Epic service at my church... a young adult service) that we had to put everything else but God aside when we're leading, or speaking. We're vessels of God. Our hearts before God matter more than anything, and if we're not "right" before God, if we're not pure before Him in our hearts and minds, we can't be up there leading. We need to be "prayed up," and humble before Him, before we can have anything to do with being used as a vessel for Him.
I held on to that. It didn't mean that I had to "pretend" to be all happy and "Yay for Jesus!" when I was singing or playing for worship. It did mean I had to realize I would be seen, watched, and possibly judged because I was before many people. I needed to concern myself with God above all, and know that I was "in the right place" before I even step on the stage.
In youth group in high school, and on the Epic worship team, there were of course times I felt unfairly judged. And to be honest, I know I've judged other worship leaders and pastors unfairly myself. For some reason, it seems right to call them to an arena of superhumans, who can't make mistakes, who have to act, dress and speak a certain way, and most of all, they have to be happy all the live long day, without a smudge of imperfection. Or else... FAIL.
But I cannot understand how this is beneficial, or realistic. I think that being genuine is the issue. And we, as humans, are subject to misinterpretation. We're going to get it wrong. We're going to think that a pastor or worship leader should or should not do something that he did or did not do. We have our long list of expectations, but not everyone is going to follow those numbers one by one.
My point is, I didn't like the opening of the chapter on emerging worship. I don't think it's right to say that worship leaders these days wear a costume of perfection in order to never be questioned. What's the point in that?! Life is hard! We're gonna fall and get blood on our hands and knees and we just might have to grip a microphone with the same dirtied hands. But the thing is, we're allowed to bring our scraped up hands and knees to our Jesus. We don't have to be perfect. That's the whole point... that we're not perfect. However, when we're in leadership, we have an incredibly important and tedious role to not only play, but to be. We have to be examples. We have to be pure and spotless before the Lord above all. This shouldn't be any different than any other person in any other role, but we are leaders, and must bear that name with seriousness and humility. And also, we can't forget we're just like everyone else. Yet while we're just like everyone else, we have a call to be genuine before God and before people as His vessels.
This is kind of jumbled. But I feel better now and more prepared to figure out what to write for my response. I usually get pretty fired up when I read the books for Intro to Worship. It's something I'm crazily passionate about, and have a lot of predispositions about. Alright now... onward to the finish line of the completion of this paper due tomorrow!
I've been sort of thoughtful though as I was reading this final chapter in this book for Worship class. Especially in this chapter on Emerging worship. Even though I feel like I couldn't even find a point to it, I was intrigued by the fictional story the chapter opened with. It was a story about a common day in the life of a worship leader really. And it was really depressing. I suppose life does get tiring and exhausting and it can feel entirely mundane in it's backbreaking repetition. However, I felt rather frustrated with the description.
The story was meant to paint a picture of how many worship leaders and church leaders take it upon themselves to "fix" the hurting world, and to bring people back to the Lord, instead of allowing the work to be done by God himself. I may have these facts wrong. Like I said, I was spacing while I was reading. Anyway, I'm just gonna fly with my thoughts anyway.
I disagree with the thought that worship leaders put on an act to "bring people back." I feel like that was a slap in the face. I think worship leaders as well as pastors need to be above reproach and do the best they can to maintain a good example, but I can hardly agree that they're fake.
Once, Don Jagers, a pastor who used to be at my home church, told our Epic worship team (For the Epic service at my church... a young adult service) that we had to put everything else but God aside when we're leading, or speaking. We're vessels of God. Our hearts before God matter more than anything, and if we're not "right" before God, if we're not pure before Him in our hearts and minds, we can't be up there leading. We need to be "prayed up," and humble before Him, before we can have anything to do with being used as a vessel for Him.
I held on to that. It didn't mean that I had to "pretend" to be all happy and "Yay for Jesus!" when I was singing or playing for worship. It did mean I had to realize I would be seen, watched, and possibly judged because I was before many people. I needed to concern myself with God above all, and know that I was "in the right place" before I even step on the stage.
In youth group in high school, and on the Epic worship team, there were of course times I felt unfairly judged. And to be honest, I know I've judged other worship leaders and pastors unfairly myself. For some reason, it seems right to call them to an arena of superhumans, who can't make mistakes, who have to act, dress and speak a certain way, and most of all, they have to be happy all the live long day, without a smudge of imperfection. Or else... FAIL.
But I cannot understand how this is beneficial, or realistic. I think that being genuine is the issue. And we, as humans, are subject to misinterpretation. We're going to get it wrong. We're going to think that a pastor or worship leader should or should not do something that he did or did not do. We have our long list of expectations, but not everyone is going to follow those numbers one by one.
My point is, I didn't like the opening of the chapter on emerging worship. I don't think it's right to say that worship leaders these days wear a costume of perfection in order to never be questioned. What's the point in that?! Life is hard! We're gonna fall and get blood on our hands and knees and we just might have to grip a microphone with the same dirtied hands. But the thing is, we're allowed to bring our scraped up hands and knees to our Jesus. We don't have to be perfect. That's the whole point... that we're not perfect. However, when we're in leadership, we have an incredibly important and tedious role to not only play, but to be. We have to be examples. We have to be pure and spotless before the Lord above all. This shouldn't be any different than any other person in any other role, but we are leaders, and must bear that name with seriousness and humility. And also, we can't forget we're just like everyone else. Yet while we're just like everyone else, we have a call to be genuine before God and before people as His vessels.
This is kind of jumbled. But I feel better now and more prepared to figure out what to write for my response. I usually get pretty fired up when I read the books for Intro to Worship. It's something I'm crazily passionate about, and have a lot of predispositions about. Alright now... onward to the finish line of the completion of this paper due tomorrow!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
A boring blog...
And so, May has willed itself upon us. May is a lovely month. Except for the pollen. From which I am still close to death from. Flowers of sympathy are welcome, without the petals though please. Just stems. That should help matters. Zach and I are running out to Wal-mart soon to get some more allergy meds...
In all honesty, I feel like giving up about allergies. I can't sing. It makes me cough. I can't talk without blowing my nose or sucking on a cough drop. When I think I'm progressively getting better, I wake up the next morning unable to speak yet again. Blah. Lame!
At the very least, I'm already passed into Upper Division Voice, so I don't need to die about doing so poorly for juries next week. I'm already where I wanna be. So if I don't do wonderfully, the worst that could happen is they don't give me an A. Which is sad yes, but life goes on.
I have been studying crazily for my next Music Listening exam, which is tomorrow morning at 8:30. I'm crossing every finger and every toe. Lately, even though I've studied a ton, I haven't done as well as I would have liked. So here's hoping tomorrow is a nice come back with all the energy left in me to complete the next few weeks. Finals... they await.
I've been pretty dry lately. Maybe not being able to sing exactly has put a thorn in my desire to write. Could very well be so.
Anyway, in three weeks, I'll be just about home. The plan is I'll be staying here till May 23rd, because the choir is singing for commencement. Right after, Zach, Nathaniel and I are heading to Jersey! It'll be a fun ride. And nice to drive with another person instead of just me and Zach. Nathaniel is in the choir, and it so works out that he lives in Jersey as well. This works well because there are now two people to keep Zach awake. And possibly two drivers. We'll see.
This summer is going to be great. I've already decided that. I will not be taking any summer classes, which feels like going off script for me. I've had school in the summer for years. I'm very much looking forward to a break. It is much needed, and much anticipated. I'll likely be teaching a good deal this summer as well, for which I am also excited. I miss my students and I miss teaching and preparing for tutoring and what not.
Something I'm really looking forward to a ton, is running. This semester I've hardly had time to do anything besides homework and taking naps. I've even washed my hair more than usual:) But, these relentless unavoidable activities have kept me from working out. And I miss running so much. So, that is something I'm excited to get back to once I'm home.
Whitney is coming to visit at some point, and we're going to record a bunch of our songs. Hopefully, it will be a very successful summer in that arena as well. Lots to do! Even though I may be home for the entire summer, I'm not sad about it in the least. I think I'm definitely set to have a great summer at home with my home friends, with my family, and with my piano. Ohhh yes. Especially with my piano.
So, I suppose I'm ready for this coming week to begin. A few tests, yes. And a paper I haven't started, but I don't mind papers too bad... I'll get by alright I think. Friday is Taryn's bachelorette party, which will be such fun. Thursday is the Common Day of Learning, so no classes, and all the COR 401 people do their Senior project presentation things. So basically, this week is very occupied, but it won't kill me. Unless it rains pollen in the amounts of rain we've gotten lately with the million tornadoes coming through. Ahh the best part of life in the Midwest:)
Ok, this is the end of this meaningless blog!
In all honesty, I feel like giving up about allergies. I can't sing. It makes me cough. I can't talk without blowing my nose or sucking on a cough drop. When I think I'm progressively getting better, I wake up the next morning unable to speak yet again. Blah. Lame!
At the very least, I'm already passed into Upper Division Voice, so I don't need to die about doing so poorly for juries next week. I'm already where I wanna be. So if I don't do wonderfully, the worst that could happen is they don't give me an A. Which is sad yes, but life goes on.
I have been studying crazily for my next Music Listening exam, which is tomorrow morning at 8:30. I'm crossing every finger and every toe. Lately, even though I've studied a ton, I haven't done as well as I would have liked. So here's hoping tomorrow is a nice come back with all the energy left in me to complete the next few weeks. Finals... they await.
I've been pretty dry lately. Maybe not being able to sing exactly has put a thorn in my desire to write. Could very well be so.
Anyway, in three weeks, I'll be just about home. The plan is I'll be staying here till May 23rd, because the choir is singing for commencement. Right after, Zach, Nathaniel and I are heading to Jersey! It'll be a fun ride. And nice to drive with another person instead of just me and Zach. Nathaniel is in the choir, and it so works out that he lives in Jersey as well. This works well because there are now two people to keep Zach awake. And possibly two drivers. We'll see.
This summer is going to be great. I've already decided that. I will not be taking any summer classes, which feels like going off script for me. I've had school in the summer for years. I'm very much looking forward to a break. It is much needed, and much anticipated. I'll likely be teaching a good deal this summer as well, for which I am also excited. I miss my students and I miss teaching and preparing for tutoring and what not.
Something I'm really looking forward to a ton, is running. This semester I've hardly had time to do anything besides homework and taking naps. I've even washed my hair more than usual:) But, these relentless unavoidable activities have kept me from working out. And I miss running so much. So, that is something I'm excited to get back to once I'm home.
Whitney is coming to visit at some point, and we're going to record a bunch of our songs. Hopefully, it will be a very successful summer in that arena as well. Lots to do! Even though I may be home for the entire summer, I'm not sad about it in the least. I think I'm definitely set to have a great summer at home with my home friends, with my family, and with my piano. Ohhh yes. Especially with my piano.
So, I suppose I'm ready for this coming week to begin. A few tests, yes. And a paper I haven't started, but I don't mind papers too bad... I'll get by alright I think. Friday is Taryn's bachelorette party, which will be such fun. Thursday is the Common Day of Learning, so no classes, and all the COR 401 people do their Senior project presentation things. So basically, this week is very occupied, but it won't kill me. Unless it rains pollen in the amounts of rain we've gotten lately with the million tornadoes coming through. Ahh the best part of life in the Midwest:)
Ok, this is the end of this meaningless blog!
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