This little light of mine

Love is unmistakable. It changes everything. You wake up in the morning and your alarm upsets the perfect motions of your sleepy dreams. You roll over and collect your consciousness. What day is it? Oh yeah... gotta do that... gotta go there... gotta do this... Oh wait! He loves me:)

That day don't seem so bad no more.

I've been going through my days lately, just walking. Class to class. Walking out of the DC (dining commons), on to the practice rooms. Stop at the Union because I just realized I'm hungry. And I'll get that feeling. Like I'm forgetting something. Like I know I was excited about something. A vague memory. Like it was a dream I had the night before. I'll wait for the nagging feeling to unmask itself. Then I remember. I have his love. Mmmm:)

I wrote a song a while ago called "Once We Loved" about how love is like lighting a candle. I'd always thought of love through the metaphor that my love lights a candle that he carries around wherever he goes. And his love lights a candle in me that I take with me everywhere.



It may sound cliché, but the love of God has freaking freaked me out to the point that it is all I can think about. He is the love I've wanted all my life. The love I've looked for in other people, finding the search fruitless at best. The endless searches for it that leave me frustrated, hurt, and angry. And I've known Christ all this while, too.

Do you realize what it means to say we are created by God and for God? That we have an innate desire for God? I never realized the fullness of these statements. Until this week.

"God, I just want to love someone. Someone who will let me love him, too."

And He says, "Oh, hey!"

And I keep going...

"I want someone to talk to and collect my thoughts for during the day so I can enjoy even the lousy parts of my day because I know I'll get to talk about them to him."

And He says, "Yeah, wouldn't that be cool..."

"I just want to wake up in the morning and have all frustrated and annoyed thoughts for the day ahead completely dissipate when I remember I'm holding his candle, lit well in the hands of my heart."

And He says, "You think you're the first one to think of it that way... You're cute Shai."

And I ramble on and on.

And yes. Sometimes the Voice of God is quite sarcastic in my head.

So if that dialogue confused you... let me break it down.

I'm single. I'm not really into being upset about stuff like singleness. I love life, and living no matter who I'm with or without. But there are times that I get frustrated. Didn't God make me with specific desires? Like the desire to freaking not be single? Haha... oh I miss the point so often!! So so soooooo often!

Get this. Drill it into yourself like sandpaper grinding your skin. That's a kinda uncomfortable visual, but I mean it.

We are genetically, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, everything-ly programmed to desire God. He made us FOR HIMSELF. We're like magnets. No matter what we will draw to the opposite property. We will attract. We will be pulled, and torn towards the opposite. Magnets.

So in the times I go to God with my "wants and desires" or what I call a "need," basically His response could always be,

"Yup. That's because you want ME. I'M what you want Shaina Joy. It's ME."

The things we desire in life are miniatures of what We're programmed to crave. What we're made to want. WHO we're made for.

It came to me while I was babbling to God. I stopped for a second. I held my hands, one cupped around the other, my left thumb crossed over my right. Sitting on a piano bench.

"God? I want you."

Daaaaaang. The reason I want to love someone is because I want God. The reason I want someone to love me is because I want God. The reason I want a family is because I want God. The reason I want to play music is because I want God. The reason I want to write a thousand songs a day is because I want God. The reason I love to sing is because I want God. The reason I love to be with people is because I want God.

Every single answer is because I want God. Every reason. Because I am made BY God FOR God. It fuels everything in and about me. And then I wonder why I get disappointed sometimes with other things... because of my innate desire for God. Nothing else will freaking do.

There are times I come to God with tears tying up my throat in a hot fist as I break to say, "Look God, it's broken." My expectations shattered. In my disappointment, I can't even see that the reason I'm disappointed is because I subconsciously compare everything to Him.

Everything ends up the same way... everything I want and desire is summed up in God. Everything I say I "want" is an earthly imitation of what I really want. God.

And so... I want God. And I even get to carry around His candle, lit by His love.

John 1:9 says that the true Light came into the world who gives light to every man. And He gave us His light. And now we're the Light of the world.

So I want Him. And I hold His candle. And I wake up in the morning and remember I have His love. And everything I do that gets me excited, and everything I see that makes me sad because I don't have something, makes me overwhelmed with how much I just want God. Hmmm...

He's got my candle, too.

Every petal pulled

He watched as she walked away. Each footstep sounding as an aching thump of the beating of his heart. Further and further away, deeper and deeper the rhythm of the swell in his chest.

Days fell like leaves off a chilly tree in Fall. Every afternoon he'd go outside and sit on his front porch steps. He'd bring a bundle of flowers out with him, and he'd pull off one petal at a time. Most people pull off the petals of a flower and flip flop between "she loves me" and "she loves me not." But he played that game a little differently. With every petal he pulled he said "I love her." People would drive by his house, and see flower petals cover the steps.



It didn't have anything to do with whether she loved him or loved him not. He remembered her name, and never wavered in his love for her. She didn't even keep up with him. She figured it was easier that way. He knew it was harder. But he didn't argue. He was relentless, but she didn't really notice.

His friends told him to give up. He was hurting himself. He was thrown off balance. He was one of the most balanced people. It was proof this whole thing wasn't worth it. It made him moody. His jealousy over the people who got to spend time with her threw him in helpless spells. The people who knew him best knew he was too good for her. She didn't even remember him. She tried not to. Someone like him... he didn't deserve that. Everyone saw it and knew he shouldn't wait for even the slimmest possibility of a future with that girl. The fact that the chance was slim anyway should have been reason enough to let go.

Every morning, she was first on his mind. He'd talk about her, remembering how she looked when she smiled. How she sounded when she laughed. How good she felt to have under his arm. With only his memories as companions, it's how he lived his days. Everything was in preparation for when she'd come back. He prayed she would. Even the possibility... the mere maybe... kept him so sure his efforts were not in vain. Every petal he pulled in pure patience and pursuit. Every petal he pulled in love.

Every now and then he'd hear how she was doing. He knew that even though she was entertaining ideas of other guys, he was the one she wanted. He knew he was the one she dreamed of. He knew it was only a matter of time. He would not settle for lost hope. He'd be there when she realized it. He'd be there not to say, "I told you so," but "I told you I loved you."





Hmmmm. What a story, huh? I think we've all been through a time in our lives when we hold on to something we should just let go. Everyone around us observes, and gives their professional diagnoses.

"You're just hurting yourself."

"You're not acting like yourself, it's not good for you."

"I care about you. I don't want to see you hurt."

People that know us best. They know when we get thrown off balance. They have wisdom over us, because they know us so well.

Maybe you've gone through a similar situation with a guy or a girl. You wanted that one person so bad. Nothing could stop you form waiting for that one. But then reality sets in. People around you get in your face to say they just can't stand seeing you that way... they're not gonna stand for someone hurting you anymore. You cave... and... it feels good. To be released of such pressure and hopeless pursuit in your heart. You come to peace with the fact that you gave a good fight. You can only feel good that you did try. And now it's time to just go on and live your life. Your life starts to come back together. Your head isn't so fogged up. You can pay attention to other things. The beat of your heart is musical again, not an echo of deafeningly heartbreaking footsteps.

So think of that situation. More than likely, it was a good decision for you to move on. Starting new. Like washing the sleep out of your eyes in the morning so you can see clearly. It was a good decision.

No consider this. We were the people God should have forgotten about. I'll say it more directly... I was the one He should have moved on from. I was the one who threw Him off balance. He's a really balanced Dude people... everyone around can see that I was the one He should have cleansed His morning eyes from. He deserved better. He wouldn't lack a thing without me.

It goes against all reason. It really does. Only in this point in my life have I realized this. I come to the crossroads. I look at the path ahead... it's so long, it's so narrow. I feel the full weight of the loads I carry, and wonder if I should leave some behind. Anything to lighten the weight... I have so far yet to go. And people around me affirm my suspicions. I'm better off a little lighter. They surround me in love. They want me to be happy. They want me to be balanced. Loved in return for love.

So... regardless of any decisions I have to make, I understand the impossible decision He made for me in a way that completely humiliates me. Completely breaks me. Completely overwhelms me. I messed Him up. He even gave up His life. Everyone could see He deserved better than me. I wonder how many times He was told I wasn't worth it. We're such a hideous match... Him and me. It doesn't take a magnifying glass to see it! You could see it from light years away, because He's still visible... and no one would even notice me. Talk about an awkward couple. Gross.

But against all reason. He held out.

Last night I sat at the piano. Room 138, once again. My fingers pressed on keys I'd touched hundreds of times. And really, it wasn't a strike of lightening or anything. But the truth descended on me like something I had always known. It didn't land on me like bricks. It was peaceful. He was what I wanted.

I knew the sayings. I heard the quotes. I sang them myself. Absent minded to the unreachable truth made tangible to our broken hands. God made us for Himself. He made us to desire Him. What we desire here on earth is but a reflection. We're so messed up; we go to Him and say, "God, I want this so bad... " But really, we want Him. Having lived in this world my whole life, I confuse the two. My impatience for earthly dreams to come true blinds me.

And what's hilarious, is we don't even have a chance to be impatient with God... we already have Him.

Imagine walking alone in the middle of a street, below a thick canopy of trees overhead. Every leaf struggling to burst brighter with crispy and perfect vibrancy. And as you're walking through the tunnel of natural shelter, leaves begin to fall. You're caught up in the swirl of color. They keep coming, absolutely bathing you in the fabulous celebration. And each leaf plucked by the fingers of God, as He says, "I love you," and drops it on you.



Receive it. You're the one who messed with His head, who everyone could see deserved so much more... but He never gave up on you. When maybe He should have. But He didn't. So when you're walking outside today, and leaves are falling all around you, remember they're His little game of "I love you" and not "you love me" and "you love me not." With every petal He pulls, every leaf detached... against all reason, means He loves you. Bask in it. And be refreshed. I feel like my whole life is changed, because of such revelations of love from our God. Gosh. I'm stumped. And I love Fall.

Messed up

Why do I blog? It's true I just plain love to write. I'm a talker. I could talk about anything... but then when I'm tired of talking, writing takes it for me. I love it.

I have to say, I've been really touched by some e-mails I've gotten from people I've never met before, who've read my blogs and were touched by them. Things like that make my day to say the very least. It's awesome to hear feedback. And really humbling too.

Here is a blog that I love to read. Click the title of this blog....


You may have heard of Owl City... that guy can make the most disgusting words sound like audible honey. It's amazing. He's extremely talented, and I love his music. He recorded In Christ Alone, and put it on his blog this week, and reading through the responses he got from people was really just incredible to me. I just think it's staggeringly beautiful how much of an impact he can make on people.

Music is such a powerful thing. Music literally rules our generation. I really admire the way Adam (Owl City...) uses his music to express himself, and then still uses it to blatantly praise the Lord in the presence of his extremely diverse fan base. I love that his music is the core of who he is. As in, he uses it to express the smallest and most secret places in his depth. Music. It's what he does. It's what he is. And so he uses it, and shares it, even if it's uncomfortable for those who don't fully understand it.

I love how honest, and transparent music makes people. I don't think I could be offended by music when it's so honest... I'll rephrase that... I don't think I could disrespect anyone's music as long as it's honest and transparent.

As a writer and musician I have oodles of respect for other writers and musicians. It's language. It's a dialect that not every nation could interpret collectively the same way, but it has power to move you.

If you are reading this, and you've read other blogs of mine, you may know I'm a huge nerd. That's fine. I hope it's not a shock to you that I'm about to get a little nerdier in my next statement.... music moves us on a molecular level. Stay with me... it literally changes us molecularly. How insane is that? It's crazy. It's wonderful. Completely fantastic. It can move you.

I heard a guest speaker in one of my classes say it this way, "Music rearranges our molecules." It's the literal truth. No fancy talk to try to describe how music is mind boggling. It's simply the truth.

Music can mess me up. Seriously... I could be in the worst mood, and it'll change my very state. I'll forget why I was mad. Or the contrary, I could be feverishly happy, and all of a sudden, completely solemn. Messed up. It messes with me. I kinda love it.

Last night in Keyboard Ensemble, I was terrified. I practice... I really do. But Pirates of the Caribbean scares me. It's an arrangement of the theme song of the movies... GORGEOUS. But I openly recognize I am NOT a piano major, and would never have the guts to be one. I sing. My finger are mere fingers. Stubby ones at that. Anyway, we were supposed to be ready to do the entire piece last night at practice. I wasn't ready. The time signature stumped me every time. Let alone the notes.

But then when we all started playing, the whole thing made sense. No we didn't get through the whole thing. But there was a moment in the music.... somewhere around measure 30 or so... that heavily pulled me into the emotion of the music. I don't know what the chord was, but it was beautiful. It was like my fingers body surfed the music freely as if I were rolling with the waves back home at the Jersey shore. All 9 of us playing together. Adding to the motion of the music. I loved it. I'm not so terrified anymore. Unless Stampfli (prof) makes me play my part by myself. Then I'll be sweating bullets.

As Jorge Casas (pop theory prof... plays bass for Gloria Estefan. How cool is that?) would say, music theory makes sense. It makes sense on an emotional level. It makes you feel something.

When we practice our ear training for pop theory (recognizing things by ear), he always tells us to memorize how it makes us feel. If we can recognize it, we'd have no issues saying, "I'm feelin' it man. That's a Bb half diminished chord." And so on...

So this is my rant for the day so far.

I love music. And please listen to In Christ Alone on the Owl City blog. You will love it.

Chasing leprechauns

Absolutely saddening, isn't it? I've blogged about half as much as I usually do lately.

But don't go on thinking I'm out of inspiration these days. Silly people... my inspiration has merely taken a musical frame lately. I've been writing songs like a machine. It's been fabulous. So refreshing.

I'm sitting in room 138 in Whitlock. It's been my practice room in the past few days. It's also the room I've written The Boat I'm In, and Why Don't You my newest songs as of the past 24 hours. I'm waiting for the recording of Why Don't You to send to Zach so he can yay or nay. Moses (the internet at Greenville...) is really slow. I mean we're not making anything up. Moses was slow of speech. Our Gville Moses is terrible. Maybe we should get an Aaron to help us out, because it's killing me.

So, I'll just babble for a little while. I'll talk about the new songs. The Boat I'm In is inspired by a random text message from a friend of mine. He asked me if I had written any songs over the weekend. The answer was no at that point. I described writer's block in my favorite way: a stomach virus. It's a grotesque metaphor, I understand that. But it's just become how I describe it. You know when you're about to vomit. And I knew I wasn't about to toss nothin' in relation to songs. So his response was, "yeah that's the boat I'm in for sure." I was sitting at my desk. Study lamp turned on (his name is Berkley), Music in Worship textbook turned open to where I was willing myself to read. Highlighters lined the open notebook, a pencil here, a pen there. I looked at the text message. My head cocked to the side. I think. Emotionally it did.

I had to cut the convo short. I was inspired. This is extremely dangerous. when it comes to sharing inspiration with another songwriter, unless you're about ready to cowrite, and share the glory (I'm kidding I hope you know)... you keep your mouth shut.

I opened a drawer and pulled out one of my many journals. This little black book is what I use for writing poems, lyrics and whatever comes to mind. I scribbled a few thoughts. Mapping out the course of this possible song. I grabbed my phone and recorded a few lines so I didn't forget the rhythm I was feeling, or the melodic hook.

And that was it.

Then I had another idea, so I scribbled that one down too.

Then I went back to studying, and met a friend to do so.

After, I went right to the practice rooms. And I sat down at the piano bench thats right in front of me as I type. And I wrote The Boat I'm In.

It's a fun, kinda quirky song. I like it. It's fine by me. Not my best, but I was happy with it.

So I studied some more when I got back to my room just in time before the storm hit. I literally had only minutes to spare. I cleaned my desk up, and brushed my teeth. Washed my face. Made my to-do list for today, and finally surrendered to my purple covers to achieve the coveted slumber my roommate was already embracing. I lay staring at the ceiling. The shadows on the walls stared at me. I pulled the covers under my head to try to reposition... I had so much to do in only hours. It wasn't funny. I had to sleep. You don't understand... sleep is so important to me. I might be a night owl, but I'm good for nothing when I'm tired. I, being the mature college senior I am, realize this. But it's not even something to dub "easier said than done." No no no. *Clears throat* no. (I'm quoting Tarzan. If you knew that, you're officially the coolest person ever) Sleep is like a little leprechaun that you can never capture. The stinkin' sprite is a devil.

Somewhere in between the restlessness, a melody sang in my head. It was so random. But gentle. Like a wish were floating in the spring air, and landed in my crazy wild hair. I know that sounded silly. I don't care. It even rhymed and I didn't do it on purpose. You've probably noticed my writing right now is slightly spastic.

So. I reached for my cell phone under my pillow (it's also my alarm clock), and held my breath for a second. I knew if I didn't record it, it could leave me forever. This is serious. I liked the melody. I wanted it. I wanted to use it. The ideas were already shaping in my head. But my voice was hardly a whisper. If it were anything more I could have wakened sweet Trina Cherie sleeping peacefully across the room (I was so jealous but my love for her won out). So I whispered/sung the melody into my phone. Listened to make sure I'd even be able to hear it come morning, and went to bed. And I think I fell asleep at some point, because I woke up this morning.

So lo! I started writing the song today, and revisited the same practice room several times, and it is completed and recorded. And sent to Zachary's inbox. Praise the Lord!

And now I'm done. I think I'm gonna go try to catch a leprechaun. I'm genuinely exhausted. Ever hear the Italians and the Irish don't mix? Tell me about it.

Peripheral vision

Have you ever just gazed up at the deep glowing blues of the sky after the moon's taken it's place over your head? In the Fall fresh air, breathed in the scent of newness, even though it's really the opposite for the leaves that create a runway for our feet? A taste that's almost eatable. Like you can get full from simply breathing outside. The stars spot the darkness, leaving it anything but. Your eyes move around; you spot the Big Dipper, and search in vain for the Little Dipper. Your vision moves over the flawless space crowding above you, but you stop when you see something in the corner of your eye.

And then you quickly flash your sight backward... and it's gone. You focus your eyes somewhere else, and see it again in the corner. No matter how many times, you can't catch it within your focus... that bundle of stars that's out every night. It's bright. It's beautiful. Why the heck can't you see it when you look exactly for it?



Have you ever seen this guy? He's called Omega Centauri. He's a lot more faint in our night sky than this picture, but he's a star cluster. A cluster of millions of stars held together. I'd go into the whole science of it because I'm just so amazed by it, but I'll save it.

What's hilarious about Omega Centauri, is it's so far away, you can only just barely see it with your naked eye. Every time I go running at night, I will myself to see it more clearly. But I have to focus elsewhere and look at it only through the corner of my vision. It's too far away to see it clearly when I try to focus.

Sometimes I feel like that about God. I try so hard to focus on Him. But sometimes He's just so far away... even though I know He's there. Sometimes I think I see Him out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn around, He's gone.

When I'm on my late night runs, sometimes I feel like I'm running into space. Living among stalks of corn does crazy things to you, and also gives the sky so much more space than the Jersey Pine Barrens do. I've gotten to the point where I've realized if I want to see this faint cluster of stars, I have to be willing to see it through my peripheral vision.

It's so difficult to see Him sometimes. He has to show Himself to us through other things.

So in my peripheral vision, I saw God yesterday. As cliche as it sounds, it was during worship last night at a young adult's service. You'd think I was focusing on God... well, I was trying. But it felt like I was running into space. Every time I looked right where I knew He was, it was like I couldn't find Him. Instead, I was hit by another sight, that I could see and decipher perfectly.

"Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire." Majesty. I've sung this song a million times. I could play it with my eyes closed. But the funny thing is, my focus shifted.

To know that I'm someone's desire. I started flipping through memories like they were pictures in a scrapbook. Emotions took turns in my heart like I was changing my clothes a thousand times in front of the mirror in search of the perfect outfit. Hmmm... to know I'm someone's desire. With that knowledge comes such freedom. Such safety.

I remember times I felt so perfectly wanted, I knew my own returned pursuits would be welcomed and completely accepted. I knew I could move forward, and relax- relish in the fragrance of being wanted.

Since we were young, we've known what it feels like. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships, the thought always crosses our minds, "I don't know if he likes me though..." We reel our pursuit back in if our bait of affection is unreturned. But lo... if we should find the interest is mutual... well hot dog! We love so freely when we know we are loved.

So I kept turning the pages of my thoughts until I caught something in the corner of my eye. I couldn't see it when I tried to focus on it.. or Him rather.

Funny how to get me to see Him, my Lord has to set me up to see Him through focusing on something else.

I hold my love back. From my Jesus. From the one who couldn't get me out of His head every moment He walked on earth. From the One who couldn't stop thinking of me, just couldn't stop thinking about me... to the point my face was in His perfect focus all the way to His death. I use a fishing line with only piece of my heart that can fit on a manmade hook. I toss my line out to Him, when He's been reeling me in before I even came into this world.

It's like He stands there with a sign that screams, "I LOVE you Shaina Joy!" And it's sincere, and genuine. It's not that random dude that is after you that bugs the crap out of you and dreams of the day that he jerkishly says, "I knew you'd fall for me." Lame. No no no... He rejoices over us. The most genuine Lover... He's made it known. He's in love with me. In love with you. And our love is welcome. We can go crazy in love, in the wildest pursuit you could imagine. And no confusion or drama is even possible, because His "love never fails." And He stays "the same through the ages," and His "love never changes." Like the other songs we sang last night.

And so, I saw Him last night in my peripheral vision. I wasn't focusing on Him... I was trying to. So far away... it's so difficult sometimes.

But what Love. It keeps filling my head.

Don't forget that He loves you. And that you can act in the freedom that His love is made known, and not only that... but it won't change. You can chase Him... love Him wildly and recklessly. Relax in the fact that He's not the arrogant "I told you so" kind of no-goods... He's the one who receives your love perfectly, and still has buckets and buckets of love to rain down on you yet.

And all this out of the corner of my eye. On this side of heaven. I can't wait till we get on the flipside!

4 seconds

Well hello!

Time has slowed just long enough for me to take a few minutes to write. Homecoming week has been awesome. Extremely busy and slightly stressful, yes. But fabulous all the same. Homecoming dance last night! Kirstie, Taryn, Leslee and I made everyone jealous with our incredible dancing abilities. It's hard to believe we're white.

Up until this week, I've felt like my music had taken a little bit more of a backseat in the drive of the semester. I'm always writing, so it wasn't that music wasn't happening. I just had not performed in a while. This week, aside from singing Italian love songs for a student recital, I got to play with Zach in the Blackroom twice! It was so refreshing, and exciting to play some songs I wrote over the Summer, and some from last semester that Zach and I worked on.

I believe I blogged about writing my song Away back in May. We played this song both Tuesday and Friday, and had a lovely time doing so. Here's a clip from Tuesday!



Getting back into performing a little bit has been crazy awesome for me. It's easy to forget how much it gets me going. You know the times when you're so hungry you don't even want food anymore? And then you start to eat, and you're unstoppable? Yeah. I know that feeling when it comes to my music. It's not that I forget entirely about it. I just get a little dull and grey in the slowed motions. I keep writing, but don't perfect things. And then when I finally get to perform... it's to a land of no return for at least a little while.

Tuesday night was just an Open Mic night in the Blackroom, and we played Away and I Dare the Rain. Friday night we played with Four Ways Left, and the Backyard Pirates. Fun times! We played Too Much, Let Me Know (Zach is a beast), Somebody (First time playing it out whoo hoo!), and Away.

I guess I've just been on a high since getting to play Friday especially, even though we certainly did not give our best performance... but you get over it. So yesterday, after sleeping in for the first time in what seemed like weeks, it struck. I've used this analogy before... when you're about to puke, you know it's coming. You have about 4 seconds to get to the bathroom before it's all over. Well, when a song is coming to me, it's pretty similar. I usually have a little more than a few seconds though to get to a piano or guitar though.

Anyway, Zach soon joined me and we wrote a duet called The One I Want. I am currently quite infatuated with this song... I had started humming the melody and the hook last week while I was in Disney. I had recorded it on my phone as quietly as I could in one of the transportation buses between parks. When I tried to listen to it, I could just barely hear it at all. Well, all you first year music majors who feel like your life is ending over and over again with Ear Training 101, don't despair. It could save a you a song you couldn't hear on your phone because you were too chicken to break out into an obnoxious musical sitting next to strangers on a bus. I remember tracing the intervals in my head when I was humming it last week, and was able to retrace it till I remembered it. All those deaths pay off every now and then:)

So The One I Want is the latest. I love duets, and I love singing with Zach. So next show, I think it's safe to say we'll probably do that one.

One thing. I miss Cal. Cause she Zach and I make music 100 times better than just Zach and I which is already 100 times better than just me. Thanksgiving, you will be embraced with many songs!

Until then, I think time will be occupied quite nicely. Life is just fabulous. I love college. I can't believe I'm really done next Spring. Alright, one thing at a time. Laundry. Yeah... gotta get on that....

A token

It is so late. But I'm up anyway, a paper left undone, and my face only just washed to let myself know the end is in sight.

I haven't blogged for over a week. Usually that means I'm either busy, or I just can't get my words right. I think this is a mixture of both. And I'm forcing myself to just write. So this will be short, but I need to get the ball rolling on my thoughts.

Trina came "home" tonight and told me something. It made us both quiet in contemplation. Without getting into it, this issue if you will, has been something on my mind for the past month or so. I just kept feeling a burden on my heart. I had never had to deal with a certain situation, and I wondered what I'd do if I had to. And now, knock knock... and behind door number one... exactly what I've contemplated for weeks. Completely random! And going back to a blog I wrote a few weeks ago, when something is on my heart, I'm only sharing in what is on God's heart. We only borrow from what is already on His heart. Like we're given but a token of the wealth that is inside the heart of God.

So, I guess I'm testifying that this is true over again. I think God has been preparing me for this new thing. Yes I know I am being extremely vague.

So that's all. I'm taking a few thoughts to bed with me tonight. 1) God is crafty. 2) I'm really tired. And 3) I really hope my test in the morning doesn't kick the whole day in the butt. Oh. There's a fourth. I hope this paper doesn't take too much more than the slim time I have between classes in the morning. Yep. That about does it.

True to my word

As I said, here is Something to Say by Starfield from Vespers last week. You gotta watch it... at least listen. Kinda dark. But so good.




You might notice if you listened the last time I posted this song, the words are a little different. You'll hear them. "I've got something to say, I'll give you all the glory in the rain..." It was so powerful. It IS so powerful. You might not be able to see when the three people were coming down the aisles, but they were carrying crosses, and each of their "demons" were fighting with them the entire way down. And then the last guy had all three wrestling against him.

The first guy's demon had a bottle of pills, the second had a mirror, and the third had alcohol. When I start struggling with my own issues, I confess, I rarely remember that I'm really fighting the Enemy himself. The demon on my shoulder isn't just a silly saying. We're living in a world where darkness is the chief instructor. And every time we try to carry our cross, to "work out our salvation with fear and trembling", doesn't it make sense that we're fighting with a truckload of power against us? Doesn't it make sense that the Enemy knows our weaknesses and will scheme accordingly?

This was so powerful to me... to be able to give God all the glory in the rain. In my rain of my own sweat when I try as hard as I can to get the demons to shut up and leave me be. Gosh, it takes everything sometimes.

So whatever you're dealing with, wherever the rain is coming from, be it from above or from what you're scared of, don't give in. Don't give in. Keep pressing forward. You are coated in the blood of Jesus, and whatever demons you have on your shoulders can't get inside. You don't even have to have something to say to give Him all the glory in the rain. Bah! That's all I've got.

Mmmmmm

I should be asleep. In all honesty, I wish I were. I've studied so much this weekend, and finally feel semi-ready for my Music History exam tomorrow at 8 am. I'm just tired. And so much is on my mind. So much more than the origin and evolution of Gregorian chant and the history of polyphony.

Two weeks ago, I was finally able to go to my floor's Bible study. Our Vespers practices are at the same time every week. Slightly frustrating. But oh, the wonder of a small(ish) group of Christians coming together, and sharing, talking about what's going on in our lives, what God is doing, what we feel He's not doing... all in the midst of a study guide we go off of. It was so refreshing. One of the girls, Becky, said something that's stayed with me. She said, "I went to God, and said, 'She's been on my heart, God.'" Talking about a girl she had been praying for. And then she said. "Then I felt like God said to me, 'She was already on mine.'"

Mmmmm. How precious that is. That when we have someone or something on our hearts, it's really probably just something we're just sharing a burden on with God. I'd never thought of it that way. But what truth in that!

So, tonight, I admit to being kind of confused. This isn't exactly a week that I've felt like I know where I'm going and what's going on. This isn't a moment my face is naturally turned towards the sun, and for more reasons than the fact that it's night time. The scarf wrapped around my shoulders is symbolic not only of the fact that I'm a little chilly in this October air, but also of my own sense of feeling like a child wrapped in clothes too big. Silly Shai. Scarves are worn around your neck, not like a sweater over your shoulders.

My prayers tonight are more like the ones that sound like sighs. The "Mmmmmm"'s that come out of a tired, thoughtful, and contemplative spirit. The things that are on my heart, too long to articulate. And in my fatigue of maybe silly things, He comes back to me. "That was on my heart, too."

Because I'm on His heart. Because I'm always on His heart.

So I sit here. On the floor of my square dorm in Tenny Hall. My socked feet stretched out over a blue blanket on the floor. My Bible opened to Psalm 86:11, where it says, "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." My random strands of blondish brown hair wound up in different directions because they're as confused about whether they're waves or curls, as I am about so many things that sail in the torrents of cascading theories in my head.

But I think I'll take my "Mmmmmm"'s to sleep with me, knowing I'm sharing in what's already on His heart. Me. The things I'm thinking about. The things I'm worried about. The doggone exams I have tomorrow. The things yet to do. The things left undone. Me. He shares it all. Mmmmmm.

Stop that!

Devotions with Trina have become one of my absolute favorite things lately. It's mind blowing. It's incredible to have such a relationship with someone. Who I can be honest with, and pray with. We started praying together when we turn off Marta (our biggest lamp, not to be confused with Lucille and Berkley and Monroe, the others) before we go to bed. And we decided to do it in the morning together too, since we have the same schedules, and typically wake up at the same times everyday.

Going through the book of Ruth with Trina has been completely different than I was expecting. I've read this little book so many times. It's about a woman, it's short. It's pretty easy to read. Good choice when I'm at a loss of what to read.

What astounds me about the Word of God, is it just keeps speaking. It's alive. Every time we sit down to do devotions, I feel like I'm coming back to a sponge I already twisted and crushed, collecting every last bit of moisture, of knowledge and wisdom that could have been in it. And then I find after only a little while that the sponge was only collecting from an ocean that goes on and on and on. I just can't get enough. It's stressful! I can't get enough. How fantastic!

Last night Trina and I watched the movie To Save A Life. It was actually really good. Second rate acting, but it wasn't too distracting. In fact, I thought they all did a pretty good job. But it got Train and I talking about a few things late into the night. And how perfect... our devotions this morning lined up perfectly with what we talked about last night. God is sneaky...

Anyway, some things I'v noticed abut the character of Ruth... she was boldly selfless. A simple statement, right? Well, how often do we see those two words acting together? The truth is, I don't think I've really seen too many examples of that. When someone is bold, it kind of seems like the attention is drawn to that person. And when someone is selfless, it seems like the common truth is that there is a quiet essence to someone who is selfless. These people don't seem to be under the spotlight of surroundings eyes.

I think Christians misinterpret things a lot. Selflessness doesn't always mean silence. Ruth was so outright about what she believed, and the things she dagnabit was gonna do.

Something that drew my attention today was how Ruth demonstrated her love for Naomi. The way she did it. John 15:13 talks about the greatest kind of love: laying down your life for someone. Philippians 2:4 says to think of others above yourself. We read through several different translations of these verses, and it was like cleaning out our ears to hear better and better after each repetition. Ruth gave up her life in Moab, where she would be welcomed and no doubt taken care of by her own people. She laid down her life, in exchange for her life with Naomi. She thought of Naomi better than herself. A translation we read today used the words, "giving others the advantage." That word was like a ball of sticky tack thrown in my face. I could only think about it. Giving others the advantage.

Going deeper into that, Ruth was not affirmed to do this. To deny herself the right to go back home to Moab instead of going to Judah with Naomi. Naomi kept telling her not to stay with her. When I think of what I would have done in that situation, I think of how much words mean to me. If someone who I respect kept telling me to do one thing, and I was attempting the opposite, I'd be in serious turmoil. My desire to please Naomi would have rocked me. And then consider how Ruth was not affirmed after she had made her decision. The scripture doesn't say that Naomi said, "Oh Ruth! Thank you so much for staying with me. It means so much to me." It basically says that Naomi gave up arguing. I can't imagine that being a very uplifting and reassuring reaction. Naomi basically expressing defeat.

What I'm saying, is I would have struggled to cross Naomi. To do what she told me not to do. And even if I believed I was doing the "right" thing, I would have likely second guessed myself at Naomi's pursuit of getting me to do something completely opposite.

If someone told me, "Stop that!" I would feel such pressure to abide. If I decided not to listen, hearing the, "Stop that! STOP THAT! STOP THAT!!" and not listening to it would bruise me, and be so difficult for me.

But Ruth made her decision, and denied herself the advantage to return to Moab, even though Naomi didn't see it as an advantage to have Ruth with her. Ruth carried through anyway. I think thats incredible. So much strength in character, that even when tried and bent to do something different, Ruth still saw clearly.

And so yet another thing I've felt challenged with... giving others the advantage, even when I'm not affirmed for it. Even when they don't realize I've chosen to receive the disadvantage at their expense. Being bold and outright about the way I'm going to be. Whew!

Ok... more studying. This week is gonna be a doozie.