Nocturnal

I can't sleep. Im sick. And I slept all day.

So what am I doing? Well... I'm stalking Blakeley's blog. And something she said was so legit. "I'm in God's shirt pocket. Be still."

Ohhhh my. Life gets hard.

You know what's cool? I just decided to take moment to talk to God a little before trying to sleep again... and when I write (i usually just write to Him, cause my mind wanders...) He always speaks to me when I'm attentive. And it's so cool that He never sleeps. And just like we're to pray without ceasing (which is a two way ordeal) God is willing and ready to communicate to us without ceasing.

I tend to write to God very poetically. I like to overdo it in my own words, because I can't overdo anything with God. He gets me. And I love that. What a rest in that... unlike my bed tonight...

But I was writing about how it's hard to trust Him sometimes. It is. I know I forget things He's done and His faithfulness... it's lame but I'm so human and my cup is so shallow that for Him to let my cup "runeth over" it really doesn't take much. Sometimes I think that what "overflows" from God is the stuff I forget and it gets lost cause I'm too shallow a cup to retain... sorry I'm tired and severely wishing I were asleep, but God impressed something on my heart and I should write about it before I think this whole foggy night was a dream when I wake in the morn.

So, God is my Love, my Life, and my Light. I've been thinking about that. He is everything I mistake a guy for. You know. What I dream of in a guy, is really just exactly what God is, just on the surface. He is the Love I've dreamed of wearing a white dress for. The best is, He made my heart perfectly white, and I get to wear that for all of eternity. Not just one day.

He is my Life. He is the vitality that runs through me, aside from any humanly perceivable evidence of strength. My faith and the truth of God's love and character are not based on how awake and revived I feel on a given day. He is Life, regardless of how much of it you can detect in my eyes.

And He is my Light. This is something really cool God put in my heart when I was writing. He is my light, even when I close my eyes.

I think I close my eyes a lot. Because I am in the dark so often.

Yet I know full well I am out of darkness, out of hiding, out of shame, and justified.

Yet, though there is Light, I close my eyes sometimes.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

So when my eyes are close, for whatever reason... heartache, headache, confusion, disappointment, "the closing of the eyes when I cannot bear what's outside"...

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

My faith is perfected by Jesus...

So even if my eyes are closed, He is in my heart and in my head if I let Him dwell in the inner most parts of my being. That even in times I close my eyes, my faith is strong because my eyes are fixed on Him.

I know this is tightly spun and confusing... it's almost 5 am... I know I've slept a little tonight but not as much as I need.

But I love that God is awake at all hours, and tells me things, even when I wish I were asleep.

So while my eyes are closed in slumber, He remains my Light, this night.

Good night.