Know

A year and a half ago, I wrote these lyrics...

"I can't wait to wake up next to you
Surrendered to the music, like we do
And I can't wait to whisper late at night
Touch your hand when I can't tell my left from right
I can't wait to know you
I can't wait to know you"

And now, two days away from my wedding day...

Caleb Arb, I'm so glad it's you.

Bask?

Ok, So now there are only five days until I play the part of the Bride. In fact, I am the bride. I won't be pretending.

I'm going to give myself entirely to the man of my dreams. In front of everyone I know, and maybe I have never even met before.

It's surreal.

Some people ask how I'm doing... and to be honest, I don't even know how to really answer.

I really don't.

I'm really nervous about some things.

I'm really excited about some things.

I'm crazy stressed about some things.

And I'm so happy at the same time.

But I am in desperate need of reminders to just bask in the reality of these next few days.

So this is my two cents for this day. This crazy, nervous, excited, stressed, happy, desperate day.

Today, there is much work to be done. Including my regular work schedule.

I'm not sure if I'll regret that, yet. In some ways, it's keeping me busy. But I must WILL myself to focus. And that, is a very difficult thing for me at the moment.

Prayers appreciated.

One Week

Today... was a day. I'm feeling the edgy nerves like a tiny electrical current running though each vein under my skin that zaps me with a surge every few minutes.

Oh yes. The wedding is one week away. One week, only.

Some may say I'm calm.

In some ways I am.

My fiance could tell you, though, I'm a little less than myself right now.

My mother would insist I'm PMSing.

My sister (the MOH) would say something in between, and then ask to do a hair trial after going to a tanning salon which has admittedly been amazing.

Bee Tee Dubs... she's amazing at hair. And yes, I'm using her for my wedding hair. I went to someone else professional... hated it.

Caleigh took one try to attempt what I was trying to explain once we were home again. One shot, she got it.

Case closed.

My mom is incredible, doing so much for this wedding... I doubt even hers was as amazing as I know mine will be because of her.

Truly. What a shame for my daughters....

They'll probably say, "Why can't Grandma plan our weddings!?"

Just wait. Check out my blog when it comes to planning my own children's weddings. It'll happen.

So tonight, I realize my to-do list fell short today. But the night is young. Maybe a few more check marks are in store before I close my eyes to wink past another anticipatory day.

"Here Comes the Bride" sounds more like a warning than a celebration.... wedding week has begun.

Eight days

Today, 8 days away from my wedding day, my list of things "to-do" is ever growing.

I'm currently in between checking things off my list. To be honest, I even put "blog" on my list so that I don't feel like I'm wasting time not getting other things done.

Today is laundry day, and random emails, and making final decisions on this and that.

Sure, some may say, "Shaina you would NOT be so stressed if you simply had a longer engagement like normal people."

Yeah, to some that might seem truthful. But those who believe that, do not know my family.

Even if I had a year and a half engagement (which to me is torturous. If I said "yes I will be your wife" upon my Beloved's bended knee, it meant I would be his wife that instant. I don't feel like waiting two years), my family would not hop to it until a few months before anyway. It's true. I'm one of eight children. Why prolong the worry that things aren't getting done. Why not just have a 3 and a half month engagement, and let the entire engagement period be a series of getting everything done?

It suits me.

While I do feel like I've never quite been as absent minded and overwhelmed emotionally, mentally and physically in my life, I do feel it is the truth to say I'm enjoying this time.

However, if someone were to ask me if I like being engaged, my answer would be, "No."

And that's because of all the craziness, and stilted anticipation.

If you're confused, let me explain.

Yes, I'm enjoying this time. But only as much as I can. You see, this is such an "in between" stage. Caleb and I are really starting to function as a married couple, but without some crucial married couple elements. We go to bed in two different places.... etc... we're still like a "dating couple," while we still notify each other with every penny we spend, where we are, what we're doing, where we're going...

It's kind of frustrating when we could be waking up in the same bed, and easily telling each other instead of texting hours later since we both have different schedules.

Really, in short, I'm just ready to be his wife. I was months ago.

So, that said... I'm truly excited for our wedding day in 8 days.

And now, for some more details to be noted and considered with full attention.

8 days.

The mirror

Every Thanksgiving, I sat in my chair, across from the giant mirror on the wall at Grandma's house. I'd catch a glance at myself in years past and think to myself, "Who will I sit next to someday? Whose face will I see catching my eye in this mirror?"

I'd dress up every year, and feel a little bit disappointed that no one would particularly appreciate it that much.

Today I was excited for more than the usual amazing Thanksgiving Day feasting, and togetherness. It wasn't great only because I could sleep in a little bit, or that I got to see some family members that live farther away.

No. Today, I finally saw the face I'd waited to see in the mirror.

Caleb complimented me countless times on my clothes, and my hair and my make up.

I was absolutely giddy, awaiting the time to all gather around the table, and take our seats. I took my seat across from that mirror. And so did Caleb.

And I've finally gotten to catch his eye in the reflection, and bask in the fact that I'll see his face there for the rest of our lives.

Nine days.

Ten Days

In ten days, I'll be in my white dress, at a reception, dancing and celebrating with so many friends and family members.

In ten days I'll be wearing a wedding ring.

I have to take so many reality checks throughout the days to remind myself to breathe, and enjoy the moment.

Sometimes I think I do well, and other times I feel like I'm drowning in anxiety and nerves. Stress.

I want everything to be perfect, but I also just don't want things to be complicated. I like simplicity. I like ease.

Weddings were never an easy feat, I realize this. And I confess it's harder, and more work than I'd known.

Days pass so quickly, I feel like I can't really catch my breath. Although, I'll tell you a secret. I'm slightly relieved I'm overwhelmed. I'm glad I'm anxious and in need of resuscitation.

I don't want this rope to slide through my unclenched hands. I want it to burn me, and I want to feel every fiber pass through hands that feel.

I want to experience this time of my life. I don't want to to vanish before I remembered to hold it close.

And so this Thanksgiving Eve, I'm thankful for a heart that feels, despite the events that have transpired in the past. The grievances endured did not breathe easy on me, nor do they on anyone. Tragedy is an everyday occurrence. Making it out another day is nothing less than a miracle some days.

I'm blessed. I'm so thankful. I'm overwhelmed by the Lord's kindness, and His Life when mine is dim and aimless.

One year ago, I was writing a song called, "Say It First." I couldn't eat, I could barely sleep. Texts from Caleb kept me awake at night, past the time he'd already said good-night. I couldn't get him out of my head. And today, not much has changed. Yet, everything has changed.

I... am so, so thankful.

The Wait

Well, well well...

To all my devoted readers... thank you for walking with me through the drum roll of our relationship. From the first time I saw Caleb as he helped my brother move into 3rd West Oak at Greenville College, to the moment Caleb got down on one knee, to now, 11 days before we say "I do."

Remembering who Caleb and I were years ago, to now, is what has helped prepare me for what is about to happen.

Living through each part of our story, before we came together, is what has made the wait a time of basking in what God has done.

Sometimes I stare at Caleb from across the room, and get all teared up when I realizing those flutters in my tummy I had for him in the library were for the same man that now makes my heart absolutely melt.

When I remember the thoughts that roamed through my lovey dovey head at Vespers.... and now when I hold Caleb's hand when we sit in church together, I am overwhelmed.

God is faithful. And I am grateful. And ever shall be.

I get to marry my best friend in 11 days. I can't believe I get to live a miracle. I get to wear white for the man I waited for.

The man I loved for so long. The man I loved before I even knew I really did.

The man who I knew I wanted to marry, but didn't really know why.

I'm going to marry him!

I'm getting married!!!

Twenty- Seven

 I could not sleep that night. I was still shaking. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I had a boyfriend! I was dating Caleb Arb. He came to my door. I couldn’t believe he had come to my door!

      The next morning, I woke up way too early. I couldn’t get back to sleep. So I lay in bed for a while.  Caleb texted soon to say, "Good morning beautiful!”

      Caleigh came over and helped me figure out what to wear on our date. The "skype date" turned out to be a real one... that little trickster. Caleb had told me everything on his list to make sure I wanted to do all of it. I could not wait. I decided on jeans and a purple tank top with a grey cardigan over it. Caleigh lightly curled my hair. I did my make up. Then went to meet my boyfriend at my family’s house.

      Caleb and I matched. We said hello, and he hugged me tight. It felt so good.

      We started driving, and Caleb put on music form his ipod while I drove. I knew the area better, so I drove into Philly. However, after that, Caleb drove. I think he caught that he is just a better driver than me in general, even not knowing the area. Yeah…

      We went to Chipotle where I introduced him as my boyfriend for the first time to a girl I knew.

      Then we went into Franklin Square, and played mini golf. It was so cute and so fun. He let me win, and I knew it.

      Then we walked around a little while, and sat on a bench. Caleb called for reservations at Giorgio’s, and then we went for a carriage ride. It was so cute. The driver talked the whole time, since Caleb is so good with politics and history,  he kept up some very intelligent conversation with the driver. I was proud of him. I listened to what he said to our driver, and just loved how smart he was.

      After that, we walked to our car. I didn’t bring gloves, but found a pair hot pink Disney gloves in my car randomly, so I wore them all day. But there was no thumb. So Caleb kept tucking my thumb in his hand when he held my hands.  We would be walking, and he would say, “Give me your hand! I want it!” 

      I would hold on to his arm with my other hand. I was cold, but I also just liked getting closer to him. He would say, “Aww, I like when you do that.”

      I loved that he was bashful about me showing affection back to him. He made me feel safe, valued, and beautiful. I felt like a woman. It made me feel like a woman. I liked it. I liked it a lot

      So Caleb drove this time, when we went to the restaurant. It was so quaint. So small and pretty. Caleb went to the bathroom when we got there, and accidentally busted his belt, which was hilarious.

      I ordered this ziti pasta (it was gluten free of course) pasta that had peppers and sausage in it. It was seriously so good. I enjoyed just watching Caleb, and enjoying the fact that I was on a date with him, and that we were actually dating. 

      After dinner, we walked down South Street, and I got fro yo. To be honest I really wasn’t in the mood for it. I only had a little bit. Caleb went there cause he knows I love it. He didn’t get any though, and I felt bad to not get any because that’s the reason we walked down those 10 streets. He ate a little bit of mine, though. Our conversations while walking were really good ones. I just loved talking to him. 

     Next was ice skating! We drove to the skating rink, and got out and got our skating tickets. It was so cute. Caleb had to help me get my jeans and socks situated. He was adorbs. I loved that he let me stay close to him when we were walking around, or sitting somewhere. I love being close. I loved that he let me do that. When we were in line for our tickets, I stood in front of him at one point, and he warmed my shoulders, and hugged my back to his chest. I loved that.

      We got home, and just hung out with the family. At midnight I had a glass of red wine. I left soon after, and Caleb walked me outside, and watched me pull away. I hated leaving him.

      It was fun hanging out with my family. Caleb really liked doing that, too, so that was cool. We skyped with Zach, and Don. We changed our relationship status on Facebook, so we could gather the “likes,” on that. I ended up getting somewhere around 76 or 77 likes. How hilarious is that!?

      The next morning I woke up to a text from Caleb saying “good morning beautiful” and calling me his girlfriend, and saying happy birthday. I drove to my parents’ house, and picked Caleb up, and drove to church.

      After church, we decorated my little tree together. It was so cute. Then Caleb made me go into another room so he could set up his birthday present. He laid out 3 t-shirts and a sweatshirt and his cologne. When I came out to see what he brought out, he said something like, “Now you get the boyfriend clothes,” and he gave me the cologne so I could spray more of it on the clothes so I can smell his scent when he’s gone. It was adorable, and I freaking loved it. I put on his sweatshirt right then. I loved that I recognized the t-shirts. I had seen him wear them before, and it made me so excited.

      After we finished everything with the t-shirts and the tree, I played him the song I had just finished writing. I was super nervous playing it for him, and but it was so cute and I was smiling almost laughing a few times. I was actually playing the song for him. He was reading the words as I sang them. It made me nervous but giddy, too.

      When I finished, I just sat there and kinda turned my back to him slightly. He said, “Shain,” and I knew I was all nervous to look at him after playing my heart in musical and audible form. But he loved it, and held me tighter and told me so.

      That little time at my place was one of the sweetest parts of the whole weekend.

      We went to my family’s house, and everyone was over for the birthday brunch. We all hung out, and Caleb got along with everyone so well. I think everyone really liked him. How could they not? Anyway, afterwards, Caleb and I hung out in the sunroom. He had to get going soon, and honestly, all I wanted to do was be in his arms. We just chilled, and some people from the family came in, some people said bye before they left. Lena was in there for a while playing piano with just her left hand, since she had just broken her right arm. Caleb held my hand.

      Soon,  it was time to take him to the airport. Dad and I drove him, and it was the most awful thing in the world. I didn't know when I'd even see him again.

That night, Dad took me out for my 21st birthday. Over my glass of wine, I told Dad,

"Dad... I'm going to marry Caleb."

And I am. In 11 days. 

Twenty-Six

I might as well have passed out at the sight of him. I'd only been singing my prayer that he'd be standing in the exact place he exactly was for days... even hours before.

I had no sense of anything. I just saw his eyes. I was unconscious. I hardly remember what even happened after that.

Caleb came inside, and we hugged, but I was in a daze. I wanted everyone but Caleb to go away, so I could try to focus. Caleb went back next door to get his stuff. I sat back down on the couch.  I was just holding my face and saying, “oh my gosh… oh my gosh…” And as if on cue, Caleb popped up up on the skype screen while he grabbed his computer which was still set up in my Grandma's house.  No wonder I wasn't sure where he was in his house...

      He came back, and soon Caleigh, Grandma, and Mom left. Caleb and I hugged more and Caleb said “Remember when I said I have a time and place in mind to talk about that stuff? Well, this is the time, and this is the place, if you want to talk now."

      Caleb gathered his things together, and went into the bathroom for a minute. That was my chance.

      I texted Trina a picture of Caleb to tell her what happened. She freaked out and told the other girls. The 3BE (3rd Burritt East... our old dorm) girls were all hangin’ out. I called Blakeley when Caleb was still in the bathroom, to whisper, “He came to my door Blake!” I didn’t want Caleb to hear.

      Blakeley texted back saying, “You are effing kidding me!” And I texted a picture of him and me, and then she said, “Get the frick out of my life!” It was hilarious.

      Trina had told me she was freaking out. I texted her back that I was dying.

      We eventually sat on the couch… I couldn’t really handle standing anymore. We hugged a lot, and he held my hands, and I held his, and it was just crazy. His hands felt strong. I loved it.

      He told me how he had always had a thing for me. He started talking about COR 302. When I started liking him, too.  He said there was one night in the library when he just had a crazy urge to kiss me, but didn’t.  He hadn't been sure about me though, because he didn’t wanna mess anything up. We were becoming friends, and Zach was a good friend of his, too.

      I was in a mental war about whether or not to tell him about "Too Much" being about him. I wasn't at a conclusion yet... but it didn't matter...

      "And then... that song..." he started. 

      Oh no!!! I was dead...

      "Someone told me you wrote a song about me... I didn't believe it, but thought maybe... Too Much..."

      I melted, and felt my face grow pink, and curled up in embarrassment... he had known! The little stinker!!!

      He told me about how he felt around New Year’s last year. He knew he flirted with me then. I certainly remember returning the favor of attention... 

      He said during the car accident he was so thrown off by how his first instinct was to protect me, and hold me as tightly as he could. He said he would go back to it all the time and think about how good it felt to hold me so tight. We shared how we both were confused by how that had happened. I told him I was so scared to see him again after that, because I became so emotional towards him. How could I not? I already had feelings at that point, small though they may have been. And then he basically saved my life, or saved me a lot worse damage? Once Upon A Time action right there...

He told me how he felt towards me after China, during which I rivaled his parents with how much I talked to him. He said how he felt so attracted to me when I kept inviting him to go swing dancing, that he was freaked out, and just couldn’t go. He said he was afraid he would start liking me. I remembered that night so clearly...

      He said he was on such a high after China—a spiritual high, and a "being-single high", and it scared him to have feelings for someone.

      We both confessed to pretending to sleep on the way home from the Jr Sr together in the back seat. BUSTED.

      He then said that when he saw me in September and hugged me, it just felt so good. 

      "Until about a month ago, I put it off... thoughts of you... but God finally got a hold of my heart, and changed it. I knew I had to come for you. It was time."

      I could hardly keep up... he was talking about every moment I'd already kept in my heart about him, and confirming it, explaining it... making sense of the years. 

      Caleb at some point in our talking had mentioned me as his girlfriend. I stopped him and said, “ So I’m your girlfriend?” 

      And he asked me, “Do you wanna be?” 

      Um. YES.

      I guess his intensions were slightly clear after coming to my door...  but I was waiting till he verbally affirmed it. None of the "Let's just see where this goes," crap. I'd done enough of that. Thank God he had, too.

      We couldn’t stop hugging, and I kept freaking out. I mean he had come all the way to New Jersey just to see me. What in the world?! 

      I told him my side of the story. As I was talking, he hugged me as I was curled up next to him. I realized the spikes of my unshaved legs were displayed in my capris sweatpants, and I freaked out, embarrassed...

      "I didn't shave!!" I covered my calves with my hands.

      "Shaina... it doesn't even matter.... I don't care. Don't be embarrassed."

      But I was. He was so cute...

      He would just stop and look at me when we were talking and shake his head slightly to say, “You are so pretty….” And he’s put his face so close to mine, and touch my cheek with his thumb.

      His eyes...

      I was numb. I kept shivering, though my body was warm. 

      I was shaking for hours.  Caleb would feel a chill go through me, and hug me closer, saying, “Aww, babe,”

      Oh my gosh, he just called me "babe!

      Another shiver... "Baby, come closer," he told me.

      Oh my gosh, he just called me "baby"!

      I took him for a tour of my apartment. We hugged a ton, and in the bathroom we caught what we look like hugging in the mirror for the first time. It was so cute, so we took a picture. We made it the background of our cell phones.

      I was walking on air. I watched him walk around, and couldn't believe it. You'd think I'd been struck by lightening by the shakes that'd seize me every few minutes... I was still in total shock. 

      I took him outside from the door in my room to see the lake. He carried me on his back because I didn’t have shoes on. We went down to the dock. He had given me his jacket because I kept shivering. How could I stop? He came to my door!!

      I kept shivering outside, and he’d hug me close to himself. He kept saying, “Babe, let’s go back in, you’re shivering, I don’t want you to get sick.”

      But he was with me, and I didn’t care to go back just yet. We stood out there a little bit longer, and I jumped back onto his back and he carried me back inside.

      Then we watched a movie. He let me pick it out. He brought a bunch with him, because they were all ones we said we’d watch together. I picked Dan in Real Life, because it was a comdey and wouldn't require much brain power. Which was good. Because I had none. 

      Even still, I didn’t even catch all of it because I was still just so overwhelmed that Caleb was there. And not just there, but he had both arms around me tight, and I was leaning my head on his shoulder.

      I was still shivering. I couldn’t believe it was really happening.

      After the movie, I took Caleb home to my family’s house, and drove back home for the night. But sleep was hardly an option. 

      

     

Twenty- Five

It was Friday, December 9 2011. I was so emotional. I was at my wit's end. I was becoming more frustrated trying so hard to be patient. It was three weeks to the day of our nonstop talking episodes.

Thank God the next day was our skype date. Caleb would hopefully mention something then, and we could figure out what was really going on between us. That would be fabulous.

I got home from work, and my phone buzzed with a new text from Caleb.

"Can you skype tonight? I can't wait to see your face again."

That did it. I just cried.

I sat at my piano. I didn't have very much time before going to church to help with the Christmas banquette fundraiser. But I had to unload the pressure in my heart somehow. I sang my new song, cried, and felt better.

I texted my mom and said I wanted to see Caleb so bad. "I want him at my door. With roses. Now."

I was begging myself to chill out. I couldn't have such ridiculous wishes right now. Especially when his mom just got diagnosed with cancer.

It was my birthday two days later... I couldn't help but wish he had something up his sleeve. I knew how romantic he had been with other girls... I tried so hard to simmer my mind down.

The night at church went well. I decided I'd put make up on, with Caleigh's encouragement. It took me off guard.

"Put on more make up with me, " she said.

"Ok. What's going on? Did Caleb talk to Dad or something?" She was acting funny.

In my family, all interested gentlemen must ask our Dad permission to date us. A hoop to jump through for sure.

but Caleigh denied it, and I decided to put more make up on. Why not.

I passed my Dad a few times that night at the banquette, and he kept smiling at me. Like he was realizing something very sentimental in his mind. Maybe Caleb did talk to him... Maybe Caleb would ask me to be his girlfriend on our Skype date the next day.

During the banquette, Caleb texted me that he was taking a long nap, and he'd text me when he woke up. I told him I was busy with the banquette, and I'd talk to him later.

I washed about a million dishes before leaving and having some soup at my family's house. I took my time, and then headed back to my apartment to skype some friends from college before skyping Caleb.

While I was skyping my old roommates, Caleb texted me that he was ready to skype. I told him I would be ready in ten minutes.

Caleigh dropped by to pick up her computer she left at the apartment, and I just signed on to skype with Caleb.

He was wearing that shirt I loved so much... the purple, and blue paid shirt. He wore it the night I just stared at him and texted Jeremy how gorgeous I thought he was when we used to study together in the library.

I looked at him through the skype screen, and just melted a little. He looked so cute.

Caleigh came over to chat with him for a few minutes, before turning it over to me.

Caleb looked a little tight wherever he was skyping me from. I didn't ask where he was, though. We settled into talking, when he said,

"I should be there right now..."

"I know... I wish you were too..." I felt sad even thinking about how it weren't true, and couldn't be true.

Gosh, he looked so cute.

"You know what?" He told me, "I'll be right there. Hold on."

Suddenly, Caleb got up, and all I saw was a white wall.

I was mad for a second thinking about how cruel this joke was.

But he didn't come back.

The clock kept ticking, and the wall was still white, and Caleb was not there.

I heard foot steps outside.

I stared at the screen.

Caleigh came out from my bedroom.

I stared at the screen.

I heard noise outside, and then a loud knock at my door.

I got up, with vision overwhelmed by confusion...

I turned the doorknob, and opened the door.

And there. At my door. Stood Caleb. With dozens of roses.

Twenty- Four

The next morning, December 4 2011, I went to church. I couldn't sleep. It was like every breath I took was a swallow of caffeine. I woke up early, and got a smoothie at Wawa, so that I'd have some source of nutrients in my system. I was, unsurprisingly, not hungry at all. I got to church early, which I never did. The choir was singing that day, and I was ready and in place. Which also was a rarity.

I still hadn't told anyone in my family what happened last night. It was a confirmation to me. Though the exact words, "I like you," were not yet spoken... I knew. And I knew Caleb would be more than a friend. And more than a boyfriend. And eventually more than a fiance... Caleb would be my husband. For the first time in my entire life, I knew what it meant when people said, "When you know you know."

I did. I did know. I knew!!

I didn't feel normal that morning. I felt like along with those "caffeine breaths" I was absorbing a glow in the dark serum that replaced my blood, strong enough to glow in daylight. I felt like mountains were taken off my shoulders.

How was this possible, when he didn't even tell me what he really felt, yet?

Only 6 days until our skype date. I could wait. I was walking on sunshine. I was anxious, but I had peace. And it was big enough to fill my empty stomach, and sleepless mind.

As I stood on the choir risers, I caught Trey's eyes. I was very close to his wife, and figured he was sensing my glow. I figured he'd talked to his wife. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. I knew I just basically screamed I was in love, judging by that smile I just gave... whatever. I couldn't hide it.

After the service, I walked over to my mom who still didn't know how Caleb had asked me on a "skype date," yet... I started talking to her, when my Trey popped up next to us and said, "You are glowing.... I can feel you from 500 miles away, Shaina..." My mom got carried into another conversation with someone else, and I continued my "glowing" accusation.

I told him how I was so peaceful, and what happened the night before. He said, "Shaina. This is right. God waited for a reason, and now is the time."

I nodded, without any hesitation whatsoever. I could not believe this was happening. But the peace that enveloped me spoke for me, declining the anxiety and worry that my natural self wanted to house.

"Now you know why people say, 'when you know, you know.'"

"I know." I said.

"And one day, he's going to to ask you to marry him,"

"I know..." I said... realizing I sounded absolutely crazy, but I honestly felt no strain or fear when I confirmed what he was saying. He didn't even know Caleb... but I knew it was true. I knew it.

I asked if he'd talked to his wife, and to my surprise he said he had not. WHAT.

That week I continued talking to Caleb. We skyped almost everyday.

Tuesday, December 6 2011, I decided I would finish my song. I had prayed for so long that God wouldn't let me write about a guy unless it was because God brought this guy to me. I felt so sure of it... I decided to run with it.

I sat down at my piano, and prayed over the unfinished song. I only had a verse written. I didn't have a chorus or anything else yet. I prayed that if God really was working this relationship out, that He would bless the song. That He would write it for me. And that Caleb would be blessed by it. If and when i ever showed him.

I prayed that if God were writing this love story, that this song would be worship.

"I don't wanna keep it to myself anymore
You might wanna prepare because it looks like it's gonna pour
I'm just waiting for the ok..."

What next?

I started the chorus... there was one line... it just wasn't working. I penciled in line after substitute line, and it just wasn't right.

"God... write this line..." I kept waiting for the right one.

And then...

YES.

"I don't wanna keep it to myself anymore

You might wanna prepare because it looks like it's gonna pour

I'm just waiting for the ok

Meet me at my door

Cause baby, I don't wanna keep it to myself."

DONE. My eyes filled with tears. That was the line. It was the truth. It was an invitation. It was what I desperately wanted, but knew I couldn't say to Caleb. I prayed for it. I prayed Caleb would come to my door. I finished the song with teary eyes, and knew it was exactly what I set out to write. 

The kind of relief that happens with a job well done combined with a good cry was fantastic. 

I met Bi at Panera right after. I met with her to tell her what was going on.  She hadn't been too thrilled with Caleb in the past, due to the ups and downs and frustrations he'd brought before. I told her everything. It was, how we like to say, monumental. 

I carried on in that week, texting Caleb all the time, calling, skyping.

But it was wearing on me. I was tiring of the distance, and not even seeing him since September. 

What was I doing... what if there was absolutely zero chemistry when I saw him next? When WOULD I see him next? I was nervous. I had peace, but I wasn't satisfied. I tried to readjust my thoughts when fears would pop in... I did, I did try. But I wasn't very strong. I grew afraid. 

I didn't even know when I would see him again. Wasn't that crucial? I'd have to be patient for a long time... maybe months...

I just wanted to see him. To see what it would feel like if he held my hand. To know it felt like love, and not that silly guy I used to study with in the library, and wave to on rainy days as we walked to class in the mornings. I needed something else. 

Twenty-Three

It was the Dicken's Festival in downtown Medford, December 3 2011. My whole church was in costume singing for the festival, and I was distracted to say the very least. Countless people came up to me and asked, "Are you ok?"

The tables in the house we gathered in were covered in treys and treys of food. Of which, I could hardly eat a bite. It'd been two weeks since Caleb and I started talking all the time. We started skyping often, almost every night. I knew something was seriously up. Caleb's parents would jump in and talk to me too for a few minutes here and there. Then as their good-bye, they'd say, "Ok, well I won't keep you and Caleb from each other anymore... good talking to you!" Nearly every night we'd talk over skype... and I sat on the couch by the fire, texting away as was now the usual.

Another person came over and asked if I was alright... I was spacing out. I was honestly panicking. Caleb had dropped hints. He mentioned how he'd like to take me on a date sometime... in a somewhat theoretical tone... I hadn't given much of a response. I didn't want to be obvious. I didn't want to unveil my heart before he unveiled his. And he hadn't exactly done that yet.

I was worried. If he backed out and became the usual "just friend" Caleb again, I knew I'd be hurt. And it wouldn't be that easy this time for me to overlook it. I was seriously anxious. I had started writing a song that day about how I just couldn't keep pretending and keeping it to myself about how I felt about him. I didn't finish it because I was getting too preoccupied.

I texted Caleb about how I saw a shooting star that night. He asked what I wished for, but I kindly denied him the detail since it couldn't come true if I told him.

I wished he'd come. I wished he'd surprise me, and do something crazy to show that he wanted me. That he wasn't fooling around. Something big. I wanted him to pursue. Not just text me every morning, and skype me every night, though that was sweet. I wanted him to come to me.

I wanted romance. Caleb was the biggest romantic. I'd watched him with other girls. I had desperately wished he would romance me that same way. He was so capable. I knew that. And I was hopeful he wouldn't forget how to be that guy... when he was finally pursuing me that way. At least I hoped what was happening was pursuing.

We flirted over texting all night. I ate no more than a bite or two of food, as was the custom of the last 2 weeks. Even Thanksgiving I hardly ate. I couldnt' keep food down. I couldn't even chew. My mouth was dry and I had zero appetite. I was so distracted. Hopelessly distracted... and I was coming to the end of my strength. I absolutely refused to say a thing, and I was determined to keep masked about my own feelings until I had a green light.

I decided to allow him to pursue me after I talked to my friend Kristin who's married with three kids. I needed someone from the outside to let me know if was ok. I knew things with Caleb were not supposed to be, in the past. So what made this time different? Maybe this was a "God's timing is perfect," thing, and maybe now was the time? I wasn't sure. Her encouragement helped me feel better about the whole thing, and I made myself even more open to talking all the time.

Earlier that week, Caleb and I had skyped, and he told me the devastating news that his mom had gotten diagnosed with breast cancer. I was so shocked, and Caleb was clearly frustrated, and so upset. I didn't know what to say, so didn't say much at all. I was even more surprised, though, when he paused in the middle of telling me the diagnosis just to say,

"Shaina... you are really pretty,"

I stopped, unsure if I really heard him right. I got light headed, and felt my cheeks grow warm. I said, "Thank you," feeling like I didn't deserve any compliment in a moment of sadness. I wanted to be excited about what he just said, but I was confused... even though it swelled my heart with warmth and fuzzy feelings.

I truly didn't know what would happen... I had hopes, and a sense of what could come of this crazy thing... but until Caleb confirmed it, I couldn't relax.

I had called Zach the day of the Dicken's Festival, and begged him to convince Caleb to talk to me about what was going on if he by any chance, talked to Caleb. I needed some confirmation desperately.

When I got home from the Festival, I lit some candles, and sat on my couch. I just needed to breathe... Caleb called me on my phone. I panicked, because I'm terrible at the phone. I was so obnoxiously awkward, I was afraid to answer, but I did.

Caleb was on his way home from work, and told me, "I was so excited to skype with you tonight, then I realized I could talk to you right now, too, so I decided to call ya and see how you are." So we talked on the phone the whole way home, until he signed onto skype.

It was about midnight my time, and towards the beginning of our skype conversation, Caleb said,

"Hey... I think you're beautiful... and I want to take you on a date, but I'm all the way in St. Louis, and you're over there, so that's kind of tough... would you want to do a skype date next Saturday night? We both dress up, and eat the same thing and watch a movie over skype? What do you think?"

"Awww.... yeah that sounds so cute..."

We goofed off, and Caleb made googley eyes at me... and I probably made them too...

So maybe "the talk" was coming during that date... I'd have to wait another week, but as long as there was some move made, even if it was just a "Skype date," I could handle that. I would make sure I didn't freak out too much... I'd keep quiet, and refuse to show too much of my heart and what I was feeling until then. And I could handle it if Caleb said it was just as friends... maybe we needed to go through this funny weird back and forth time one final time to fully move on...

When we were about to hang up, Caleb stopped me. I looked at him through the computer screen and waited.

"Hey... I just want you to know... I'm not playing games. I'm not playing with your heart, that is not fun. This is intentional, and this is more than friends, ok?"

I nodded slowly, and didn't reply with more than a few words, "Ok," I showed I understood, but didn't reply anymore than that. He still didn't say he liked me. So I couldn't say that, either.

"I promise you "the talk" is coming... I have a time and place in mind, so you can trust me I'm not fooling around here. If you want to talk sooner, we can, just tell me if you need to."

I told him I was fine, and if we could talk soon, then I was fine.

I couldn't believe it.

Zach must have talked to him... he had to. But he didn't. Caleb knew he had to calm me in some way, and he did. I couldn't believe it.

We hung up all smiley and giggley, and anticipating next Saturday's skype date.

As soon as I closed my computer, I burst into tears, just sobbed. My heart was overwhelmed...

I got on my knees and cried... but it was nothing like the brokenhearted times I'd done the same thing. Something was swelling in my heart, and it was being drawn out of me...

 I suddenly knew what it meant when Mary sang how her soul magnified the Lord. It wasn't a decision to praise the Lord... it was automatic.

There was praise in my heart that I didn't understand. It was more than relief. I was overwhelmed. I prayed over what the heck was happening... and I felt the most indescribable peace... this was good. It was very good. And God was pleased.

Caleb tweeted on twitter how he had a date with "@Shainajoi" and texted me about how excited he was he felt like running laps for all the excitement. He said he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. I replied similarly, and somehow went to bed after leaving ridiculous messages on Zach's phone, and Blakeley's. It was then around 3 am. I hardly slept, as was the new custom in addition to barely eating.

Twenty-Two

It was a Friday night. November. The 18th. Caleigh was over, and we were watching a chick flick. My phone buzzed with a text from Caleb.

"I miss you so much... maybe I can just come out there again for New Year's. It's been too long."

Uhum... What? A few weeks before I had been bold and told Caleb he should do just that. And he clearly responded that it was not going to happen.

So... why the sudden change, Caleb?

He kept going, and flattering me within his suddenly flirty texts. I asked if he'd been drinking. There was no reason why he'd be texting me out of the freaking blue, in the manner in which he was.

My mom stopped over, and I showed her Caleb's texts.

"Is he drunk?"

But no. Caleb had replied that he was innocently watching TV with his dad at their family farm in Missouri. They were hunting that weekend. He texted me late at night, even though he had to get up at 5 am to hunt.

It just didn't make sense to me. It felt different. Something was up. But, true to form, Caleb would go back to just being Caleb. My friend. My FRIEND Caleb. Nothing more, nothing less. By morning, it'd be back to normal.

Truth be told, I did enjoy it. I let him text me. I responded. I had fun. But I knew our good-night was a good-bye later that night. I knew when I went to sleep that I'd close my eyes all to open them to a phone with zero texts from Caleb.

I was stunned when I saw he had already texted me a good morning text when I woke up.

What was the deal? We texted all day. I told my mom and Caleigh, and they were amused. As was I. Caleb and I never kept up sparks for more than 24 hours. But then again, Sunday morning, he texted me a good morning text again.

Later that Sunday, I went to a wedding. Mom and Caleigh saw me texting Caleb a few times through the ceremony. At the reception, they commented on how it would sound if my name were "Shaina Arb." Silly fools, they were. That would never be my name. Although, I saw no reason to correct them.  I honestly was confused about how on earth the spell hadn't been rudely broken yet. I was still expecting it to happen anytime. For the silence. For the ending of the usual up and down. The "maybe I like you" actions to the "yeah, nope," conclusion.

I sat alone in my apartment that night, texting. Somehow we got on the subject of perfect model girls.
I had made a comment brushing "those girls" off, to which Caleb responded with,

"Shaina you are just as pretty, if not prettier by the way."

That did it. I leaned my head back and stared up at my ceiling, and felt my eyes fill up. He was getting to me. I felt my heart swell. I recovered and said thank you, and we continued texting the whole rest of the night. And the next day. And the next.

That Wednesday night something happened. Earlier that year I had given my songwriting to God, and asked Him to order my songs to be only about Him really. I was done writing songs that emotionally tied me to some guy that would just break me to pieces. I asked God not to let me write about a guy unless it was one God brought directly to me.

That night I was so frustrated. I sat down at my piano, and it happened. I wrote a song about a guy for the first time in nearly a year. And yes, I quoted lyrics from "Too Much," the first song i'd written about Caleb over 1 year and a half before.

Thanksgiving was that Thursday. It marked 6 days of nonstop texting.

The texts were starting to sound like this...

"Shai! I'm sorry I was caught up watching the game... how are you?"

Why was he sorry? What was he sorry for? And why was it necessary for him to know how I was that day?

Everyday.

By the end of that night, I had Zach cornered. We were driving to go see the new Twilight movie. Yes, Caleigh and I forced him. Zach was living in NC at the time, so I couldn't constantly ask him what was going on with Caleb.

Zach is one of those faithful guys. Like, if someone asked him not to repeat something, he wouldn't. It was incredibly irritating, especially when I was so desperate to know what was going on in Caleb's mind.

I tried weaving my way into a conversation that would give me something. Anything. I was so in the dark, and getting scared that nothing would come of these texting matches. I had been unattached, but it wasn't slowing down, and I was getting more attached. Eventually, I asked Zach, "Does he like... like me?"

"I dunno, why don't you ask him?"

WRONG. Yeah right! I'd never in a million freaking years ever ever ever ask a guy that ever! I had made it clear with the song I wrote the night before, called, "Say It First,"demanding he do just that. I should never, never, never have to ask a guy what he's thinking. He should be able to say it first, and keep me from the misery of guessing.

"Can you at least tell me he's interested?" I was desperate.

"I'm sure he's interested, that's clear..."

Whatever else he said didn't matter. I found the "bingo," and I had some information to keep in mind. He was interested.

But was I? Did the theoretical confirmation change anything? Was I in a strange place now, if I didn't know exactly how I felt? Was I leading him on?

I didn't know, yet. But it seemed I'd have time to figure it. And talking endlessly would help... he seemed to have no objections whatsoever.