On the ball

I guess things are improving in my life. I've been blogging a lot more. I also wrote a song on Tuesday night. I also wrote two bridges for two different songs with Zach last night. Bridges are always my weakness.

I cleaned through a bunch of drawers in my dresser last night, and I feel so accomplished. I also ran 2.5 miles last night, and that made me feel like I'm more on the ball.

I'm definitely going to aim for a song a day again this summer. I love goals... I seriously love love love goals. They keep me chasing. They keep me focused.

As I read over all the accumulating statuses on facebook about graduation... I cannot express my relief that I do not have to go through that again. Refer back to this time last year. I was devastated. I was so frustrated and confused, and had zero direction for my life there on out.

Now, it's almost similar in some ways, truly. But, alas... I'm not nearly as in the dark as I was a year ago today. Thank the Lord.

Honestly, when I think about how desperate and frustrated I was last year leading up to, during and after graduation... that is the one time in my life I could talk about forever, but would never ever in a million years want to experience again.

This time, however... we'll see how frustrating this summer is. I'm not anticipating it being frustrating really, at all. I'm excited for it.

yes, a lot of things are changing in my life. Especially over the summer. But I'm not afraid of it, nor am I in denial, nor do I want it to hold off, or come sooner. I'm pretty content with the changes yet to come.

So. Here's to the 18th of May. May is going by so fast, and I'm more than ok with that. Let's just keep the ball rolling. Ok, maybe I am a little impatient.

Good day to you all.

Great wall

Ok. My head is like, thicker than the Great Wall of China.

I've learned something. Other people are so necessary. I freak out and get so crazy stressed over things that are more relatable than I realize. I get scared that I'm the only one who feels like I'm failing miserably. But really, it's not even close to what I feel. I'm not the only one.

Sharing with other people is so necessary. Just hearing a, "Oh my goodness... me too," has so much power to free my mind. I get scared I'm alone.

I try so hard to be professional, and self-sufficient. I'm not.

I'm vague, but I'm so glad I broke a little. People are good to have around.

Hair down

You know what? I love the moments all the teachers have moments together. All of us. When we're in devotions on Thursdays, or when we eat lunch together in one of the classrooms. I love when we talk about celebrity gossip because it's just stupid. I love when  the oldest teacher here comments on how attractive certain men are, and is constantly probing us younger girls about who we think is cute.

Of COURSE the only man I find attractive is my boyfriend. Hahaha, no that guy really does have all the life in my eyes.

I love the moments we all laugh and joke and tease each other. To the point of needing to text one another  afterwards to make sure no one was offended, and to make sure nothing is repeated. That is hilarious.

Getting to the end of this school year has been a burden the past few months especially. It's just so much. Too much. But, true to Shaina-form, I eventually get sentimental. I can feel the pull of the coming waves, knowing this time will soon turn and splash the aftermath foam all over, and will never be again.

So here's to the wind and pull of the coming waves. I'm letting my hair down, so I feel the fullness of it.

EP

Not sure how I managed not to include my band stuff in my blog...

I'm in a band. Called Evelia. Our EP is now out on itunes. You should purchase it if you want to. Thank you.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=307148682694341&set=a.294890253920184.67021.275110072564869&type=1&theater

These days

I took some time today to read some old posts of mine. I read from May 2010. An interesting time in my life. It is so unique in the time that it was. But as I read over old posts from May 2010, I realize how content I was. I was just soaking it all up. Soaking up that time, because it was slipping out of my hands.

When I was hanging out with Laura this weekend, I remembered and started to miss the times Laura and I went to school together at BCC. We have such hilarious memories from that time.

I remember writing lyrics about how I knew that one day, I'd actually miss those days I was experiencing.

Now as I look back, I truly, with perfect ease, can say... Yeah. Those were good days.

At the time I was impatient to get them over with. I was stressed. A full time college student, and a full time high school student, and working.

The overcommitted person you know me as, was very similar then.

But as that time was drawing to a close, I became so conscious that those days were about to be gone forever.

Two years ago, i knew my Junior year of college at Greenville was about to vanish before my eyes. Things were going to change. Unrepeatable.

Now, my first year after college is about to end. Really. My time as a 2nd grade teacher is about to close. My time with all these same staff and faculty... it's going to be different next year. My time away from Caleb... that. That can change. Cause I miss him so bad.

But really... so many things are about to change, and I think it's time I start allowing my sentimental side to step in. It's about time I just started to absorb this time, instead of dreading so much of it.

I wrote a song right before I graduated High School. It was called, "These Days." The chorus went like this, "I know, I know, these days will go, all together hold on tight, how can we bare to sleep this night away."

I'm tired. But how can I sleep this away?

I'll get to sleep in soon. But right now, I have to be living these moments knowing full well, I will miss these days eventually.

I know I will.

Today

Over and over I am reminded how important is it for me to have goals. I am a goal oriented person. If I lack a goal, I am hardly able to get moving.

If I don't have clear direction, I just melt all over the place, and I never get where I'm going.

Right now, I am struggling to have a goal. My goal is more like getting done the school year, and finally getting to rest. But that doesn't help me while I still have 5 weeks to go.

I keep needing to refocus. I lose it so easily. I lose what my purpose is. I lose it on  daily basis. Really... it's discouraging.

I feel like I'm not giving my all. I feel like I'm just barely getting by. I hate feeling like I'm not doing my best. I hate giving anything "less than."

It is soooooo inexpressibly necessary to take things one day at a time. It is the ONLY way. My goodness, if I tried to take on more than my own...

In other words, the only thing that is presented me, is this moment.

Being so futuristic and goal/task oriented... I struggle with this so much. So much indeed.

Just today. That's all.

Context

You know, one of the many strengths on the strengths test at Greenville was Context. It's a strength that tends to use previous experiences as wisdom to deal with the present the best way possible.

Well, I didn't have that strength.

But I find myself frustrated anyway.

Because nothing in my past is relatable to this time in my life.

Which causes me to ponder the possibility that I will be gleaning from this momentous time for the rest of my life.

That's all I have to say.

I am exhausted.

I am frustrated.

I am impatient.

I need Jesus... oh how I do.

Enjoy life

One thing I am seriously looking forward to this summer... time to write. Write music. Hallelu... I miss music. I miss new melodies, and finally putting words to soundless but catastrophic emotions. It's like finding something you've been looking for all through your house. You go nuts. But when you find it... alas. Peace.

I feel this is one thing I've truly lacked this year. This job has severely pinned me down, and cast me out of a few things extremely necessary and important in my life, songwriting being one of them.

I haven't completed a song in over a month. This is something that completely grieves me.

I have pieces here and there, but this isn't like me.

I'm looking forward to some changes in my life that will allow me the time and energy I need to get back to the basics. The good stuff.

Like going for a run because I want to, and have the time. Instead of, "I should run. No, I shouldn't. I don't have time. But I'm stressed. That would help then. But I'm tired."

It's frustrating.

I am always making more and more goals for myself. I'm excited to make some goals this Summer that will really fuel me towards things I want to accomplish an pursue. Again, music being one of them.

These next 6 weeks or so will be taxing. Of this I am sure. It's been difficult for me to keep focused and living in the now when I'm looking forward so much.

Certainly something I struggle with... enjoying life constantly.

I miss Laura. She and I were best friends in the music department at Burlington County College. We still see each other, but it's been a while since we've really gotten to live life together.

We used to do hilarious things to "ENJOY LIFE!" As was out motto. We both struggled not to get stressed and over anxious with school and the demands of life.

We are both first born daughters, with very smart older brothers.

We conquered much of our bad habits together because we related and could spur each other on towards just relaxing and being silly and enjoying the little things.

I need to call her. This is what this blog is helping me see:) Seeing her a few minutes Monday was not enough.  Love that girl.

Odd

As I've considered my life lately, and I've found something...

My life is so odd right now. But what in the world is normal, anyway? Life is always changing. It is never consistent. Seriously, it's always new.

I just want to consider my life not my own. I want to think of myself more as a participant than someone who wholly dwells in this flesh and these bones.

It's relieving.

When I relax and just cave into God being the only Sustainer of life, I don't feel so much pressure to maintain so much of myself. I'm off the hook, because the line never cast to me anyway.

There is so much pressure in life. And I am so sick of it. I don't want to live my life like that.

It's May

It's May. I am so happy about it. Yes, in some ways, I am impatient. I just get so run down by my ridiculous schedule. I am beyond excited for summer.

TIme seems to be going by really fast. It's already Tuesday. I am not complaining. I am affirming the rapid pace. May it continue, and slow down when I wish it would. Amen.

Also, I love waking up to thunderstorms. They are just so oddly calming, and exhilarating at the same time. It was nice this morning. Then I fell back to sleep, and my alarm came way too soon.

I was ticked.

Anyway. It's May, and I am happy about it. That's all.