The future. Why does everything in "the now" have to do with "the future"? Why can't our paths stay stationary to where we set our feet?
I heard a friend of mine this week express his frustrations about how high school was all about doing well in college. Now that he's been in college for a while, he's increasingly burdened with the fact that college is all about what happens after college. On the surface. It's like we're running on a treadmill as hard, as fast as we can. But the reality is, we're running and getting nowhere. There's another stretch ahead of us. Just when we think we've made it to our destination, there's another surprise "limbo land" that's going to happen before we really make it there. It's never ending. It's frustrating. It's confusing. It's painful.
I had an awesome conversation with one of my best friends here. We talked about the relentless question, "what am I doing here?" There are times I feel like I missed having that question... my life is a little different than most when it comes to college. I'm a little bit on the fast track. But this friend of mine talked to me about how much she's just absolutely burdened with a desire to be pursuing something she feels might not be available to her here at Greenville.
Through talking with this girl tonight, I think God revealed something about Himself to me. God breathes vision into people. Ok wow, profound, right? Try to stay with me though. I think God breathes into our spirits far ahead of the time that the visions will be fulfilled. That statement may not be altogether surprising either... but consider the truth to this. Also consider the pain that comes with it. Anticipation is one of the most painful things we can experience in the fact that it is a burning desire that is yet to be fulfilled. This girl talked to me for some time about what she feels desperate to see fulfilled in her heart. The passions she has, the longings she has, the dreams she's had for as long as she can remember. God has crafted some extreme anticipation in her for this stuff He's put in her. And being on the outside of this situation, it was so easy to see.
It started to really come together for me as I sat and listened to my friend. God begins a work in us often times far before the work is to be completed. He brings such anticipation in us for things He is doing. It feels like a terrible burden.
But you know what? We don't have to sit in agony with a burning anticipation. We don't need a prescription to dull the pain of the current "to be continued" stamp on our dreams.
I think that we need to be feeding the desires and dreams He puts in us. The truth is, much of our lives will be in "the mean time." Much of our lives will be in between whatever it is we're "anticipating." And if we let the anticipation erode within us, we're just going to whither away. Seriously... it's too painful to be waiting and waiting while having a heart that is fully welled with anticipation for the "end result." For example, I love ministry. I love singing and playing for worship. I love speaking. I love ministering to people. I love the people in the church. I have a heart for Christians. That's not everybody's heart here. Some people are more called to people who aren't Christians. That's awesome. But my heart is focused a little differently. So my point is this.
I cannot relax in the fact that I'm still in college, and I'm not working full time in a church right now. That's not going to work well with the acidic desires of my heart. It gives me heartburn. My heart aches to be fed. I have got to be feeding these desires in my heart, exercising the joints of my dreams.
Bottom line: the anticipation that we've been given FROM GOD, is going to kill us if we don't feed it. We'll become bitter in the fact that we're only anticipating and not experiencing what we're waiting for.
If you're waiting to be done the anticipation season to fully experience, you won't. Because life keeps going. And when you "experience" one end result, you're only going to be on another road somewhere new.
1 Corinthians 2:14 says, "The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. "
This passage goes on to say that we have the "mind of Christ." We have the ability to understand the things of the Holy Spirit. But we also coexist with our own hearts. Our own flawed, misunderstanding, emotional, human hearts. Sometimes we interpret things of the Spirit incorrectly. Like anticipation. We feel frustrated, confused, and hurt by it. When really, it's something beautiful, and wonderful in the Spirit. It's breathed into us with a purpose. An expectation. A preparing. A pouring into us that will make us ready for the greatness of what is to come. An eagerness to accept and pursue the feeding of those desires so that we'll be ready for more as time goes on. It's not bad. It's good.
And one last thing. The constant worry that we're missing something while we anticipate... well, where we are is where God is also. I don't think we exactly "miss Him." He IS where we are. We can't miss Him. So... I don't know about you, but that helps me sleep at night. Which is something I think I need to do now. Sweet Dreams Greenville.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Vespers!
This is the link to see a bunch of videos from Vespers! It's gonna be an amazing year.
By the way... click the title... there ya go...
By the way... click the title... there ya go...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Hit me
This morning I awoke so much earlier than I wanted to. However, it was kind of awesome too, because it's the first day of classes! The first day of my last year in college. What what!!
As I washed my face this morning, in our Tenny 2nd floor bathroom, I mentally rolled my eyes at how I had checked my phone several times this morning before I actually got up just to make sure I didn't oversleep. My first class is at 8:30 am, and I know many people will do more than mentally roll their eyes at my pathetic antics, but I'm still getting off Summer people... I'm still learning to wake up at reasonable hours.
I woke up around 5 am, and checked my phone. I knew I had class this morning. I knew I had to get up soon. I didn't want to miss my alarm. I was afraid I'd miss it.
About an hour later, I did the same thing. Finally, I woke up with my alarm, and began getting ready for the day.
I started to think about how it was easier to get up, simply because I was waiting for it. I was anticipating the moment I'd get up out of bed, and sleepily find my way out of my loft bed over my desk and dresser. It wasn't news to me that I'd have to be awake at the hour I was. I was waiting for it, knowing full well what I was in fact, waiting for.
The Bible constantly speaks about being prepared. Be prepared in season and out of season to represent the Lord, like 2 Timothy 4:2 says. Be prepared to give an answer for the hope we possess, like 1 Peter 3:15 says.
If I didn't know I had to get up when I did this morning, I would have been extremely angry. I was still tired. I wanted to sleep longer. My eyelids felt like spikes when they folded over my eyes only to be held open again. If I didn't know I had to get up, and then someone woke me up, I'd have been pretty peeved.
The difference was, I knew. I was expecting it. I was prepared.
I think the same principle goes for our faith. If we're prepared for the trials, and the frustrations we will definitely be facing, we're all the more equipped to rise to whatever the challenge will be.
Next time we're tried, and faced with a challenge, let's be expecting it. Let's keep checking our clocks so we know we're ready. Let's be waiting and watching for it. Let's be prepared.
As I washed my face this morning, in our Tenny 2nd floor bathroom, I mentally rolled my eyes at how I had checked my phone several times this morning before I actually got up just to make sure I didn't oversleep. My first class is at 8:30 am, and I know many people will do more than mentally roll their eyes at my pathetic antics, but I'm still getting off Summer people... I'm still learning to wake up at reasonable hours.
I woke up around 5 am, and checked my phone. I knew I had class this morning. I knew I had to get up soon. I didn't want to miss my alarm. I was afraid I'd miss it.
About an hour later, I did the same thing. Finally, I woke up with my alarm, and began getting ready for the day.
I started to think about how it was easier to get up, simply because I was waiting for it. I was anticipating the moment I'd get up out of bed, and sleepily find my way out of my loft bed over my desk and dresser. It wasn't news to me that I'd have to be awake at the hour I was. I was waiting for it, knowing full well what I was in fact, waiting for.
The Bible constantly speaks about being prepared. Be prepared in season and out of season to represent the Lord, like 2 Timothy 4:2 says. Be prepared to give an answer for the hope we possess, like 1 Peter 3:15 says.
If I didn't know I had to get up when I did this morning, I would have been extremely angry. I was still tired. I wanted to sleep longer. My eyelids felt like spikes when they folded over my eyes only to be held open again. If I didn't know I had to get up, and then someone woke me up, I'd have been pretty peeved.
The difference was, I knew. I was expecting it. I was prepared.
I think the same principle goes for our faith. If we're prepared for the trials, and the frustrations we will definitely be facing, we're all the more equipped to rise to whatever the challenge will be.
Next time we're tried, and faced with a challenge, let's be expecting it. Let's keep checking our clocks so we know we're ready. Let's be waiting and watching for it. Let's be prepared.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Your love is changing us, calling us
Being back at Greenville has been one of the most natural things in the world. I walk around the campus and feel like I never left. It's like I never went away for three months.
Memories of home still fresh in my mind though, I of course miss my friends and family at home. And I'm not forgetting the precious things I've experienced this Summer. But I was pleased to see how easily Greenville could be home again, too.
Yesterday was absolutely fantastic. We had Vespers practice at 9 am... I was awake long before and ready. Well now. This practice was the absolute longest practice I've ever undergone. Besides lunch and dinner... we were at Whitlock "practicing" until about 8 pm. Everything that could have gone wrong, doggone went. The mixer even blew up at us and stopped working altogether. So the fellas went off and grabbed another one and we redid everything. All the channels, all the mixes and all the fancy stuff we had already fooled around with for quite some time. Eventually, our fearless sound guys Ben and Jared made it happen.
What was awesome to me was how the team gelled. This team was made up of the Vespers leaders, not my individual team. So the team was made up of Zach, Mitch, Jake, Chris; the four leaders. And then I got to step in and be the Girl, and Bob played bass. We stuck together so well in the midst of all the mishaps of the longest day ever. And God blessed Vespers last night to the point that every struggle in a song became the most solid and powerful, and every uncertainty in lyrics became like the back of our hands. There was a freedom in the worship last night that made us crazy high as a worship team, and as a worshipping people. It's like you just have a know... just go with it, don't think about it. The Spirit is moving, and you're in the wake of it. Every song... the new students were practically singing louder than the band through the system. It was completely incredible, and astounding. We were speechless and entirely humbled and mad excited and so swept with the exhilaration from the night.
There were countless times the Spirit just swept through like a thickness in the room that would just take over. Vocals were not a concern. Correct musically wasn't an issue. There comes a point, as a leader in worship, where you know now is the time you can let go, because the Spirit is moving, and is inhabiting our worship, and receiving our worship. He brings us the worship. And He sustains us when we worship. There is no fear. There is complete abandon and the most out of this world freedom to completely lose it in the liberty that washes through us.
There is such mystery to worship... I'll never understand it. Why does God take over in us when we're singing or playing and allow us to hit notes we didn't practice, and drum fills that are beyond us? Why does He cause us to be beyond what we are? Why does He make better music through us than we could do on our own? Even after 9 freaking hours of preparation?
We prepared the best way we knew how yesterday. We had never played altogether. In fact I just officially met two of our guys yesterday. There was some cohesion to be reached. But the way it molded together last night for the first Vespers of the year, for New Student Orientation, I think we were all oriented with the Holy Spirit in a new and moving way that took our breath away, and took away natural ability. Our team was completely together, and gelling. Communication was awesome... when my keyboard wasn't working even though I worked so hard on those darn leads... Lucas coming down from the soundboard and writing on a white piece of paper with a pink highlighter (next time use a sharpie...) and standing in the front row trying to communicate with me while I'm about to lead Desert Song with no sound in the keys... even that was perfect. It all worked out. It was awesome. And the keys came on just in time after the first chorus. Hah... point to be made.... the band followed and kept it smooth and flowing.
I have to say that I often get frustrated with a keyboard in front of me. Don't misunderstand. I play the piano everyday, and go through painful withdrawal when I am without one. But I also don't view myself as the greatest musician, and would often rather just be singing, and have my hands free to worship through raising my hands. There are times I feel like flipping the keyboard and grabbing the mic off my stand and running away with it. In righteous fury of course:) However, last night was a very different story. I had never experienced such freedom in worship while standing behind a keyboard, with my fingers over the keys.
My conclusion is this: There is no thing like the Holy Spirit. There is no freedom like the Freedom He gives. There is no ability like the Things He enables us to do. There is no song like the Song He causes us to sing. There is no spirit like the Holy Spirit.
I'm overwhelmed with excitement of what God is going to do through Vespers this year at Greenville College. I don't think there is a way we could be prepared. But I think we can be expectant. And I think we are. It's gonna be Good.
Memories of home still fresh in my mind though, I of course miss my friends and family at home. And I'm not forgetting the precious things I've experienced this Summer. But I was pleased to see how easily Greenville could be home again, too.
Yesterday was absolutely fantastic. We had Vespers practice at 9 am... I was awake long before and ready. Well now. This practice was the absolute longest practice I've ever undergone. Besides lunch and dinner... we were at Whitlock "practicing" until about 8 pm. Everything that could have gone wrong, doggone went. The mixer even blew up at us and stopped working altogether. So the fellas went off and grabbed another one and we redid everything. All the channels, all the mixes and all the fancy stuff we had already fooled around with for quite some time. Eventually, our fearless sound guys Ben and Jared made it happen.
What was awesome to me was how the team gelled. This team was made up of the Vespers leaders, not my individual team. So the team was made up of Zach, Mitch, Jake, Chris; the four leaders. And then I got to step in and be the Girl, and Bob played bass. We stuck together so well in the midst of all the mishaps of the longest day ever. And God blessed Vespers last night to the point that every struggle in a song became the most solid and powerful, and every uncertainty in lyrics became like the back of our hands. There was a freedom in the worship last night that made us crazy high as a worship team, and as a worshipping people. It's like you just have a know... just go with it, don't think about it. The Spirit is moving, and you're in the wake of it. Every song... the new students were practically singing louder than the band through the system. It was completely incredible, and astounding. We were speechless and entirely humbled and mad excited and so swept with the exhilaration from the night.
There were countless times the Spirit just swept through like a thickness in the room that would just take over. Vocals were not a concern. Correct musically wasn't an issue. There comes a point, as a leader in worship, where you know now is the time you can let go, because the Spirit is moving, and is inhabiting our worship, and receiving our worship. He brings us the worship. And He sustains us when we worship. There is no fear. There is complete abandon and the most out of this world freedom to completely lose it in the liberty that washes through us.
There is such mystery to worship... I'll never understand it. Why does God take over in us when we're singing or playing and allow us to hit notes we didn't practice, and drum fills that are beyond us? Why does He cause us to be beyond what we are? Why does He make better music through us than we could do on our own? Even after 9 freaking hours of preparation?
We prepared the best way we knew how yesterday. We had never played altogether. In fact I just officially met two of our guys yesterday. There was some cohesion to be reached. But the way it molded together last night for the first Vespers of the year, for New Student Orientation, I think we were all oriented with the Holy Spirit in a new and moving way that took our breath away, and took away natural ability. Our team was completely together, and gelling. Communication was awesome... when my keyboard wasn't working even though I worked so hard on those darn leads... Lucas coming down from the soundboard and writing on a white piece of paper with a pink highlighter (next time use a sharpie...) and standing in the front row trying to communicate with me while I'm about to lead Desert Song with no sound in the keys... even that was perfect. It all worked out. It was awesome. And the keys came on just in time after the first chorus. Hah... point to be made.... the band followed and kept it smooth and flowing.
I have to say that I often get frustrated with a keyboard in front of me. Don't misunderstand. I play the piano everyday, and go through painful withdrawal when I am without one. But I also don't view myself as the greatest musician, and would often rather just be singing, and have my hands free to worship through raising my hands. There are times I feel like flipping the keyboard and grabbing the mic off my stand and running away with it. In righteous fury of course:) However, last night was a very different story. I had never experienced such freedom in worship while standing behind a keyboard, with my fingers over the keys.
My conclusion is this: There is no thing like the Holy Spirit. There is no freedom like the Freedom He gives. There is no ability like the Things He enables us to do. There is no song like the Song He causes us to sing. There is no spirit like the Holy Spirit.
I'm overwhelmed with excitement of what God is going to do through Vespers this year at Greenville College. I don't think there is a way we could be prepared. But I think we can be expectant. And I think we are. It's gonna be Good.
Friday, August 20, 2010
To have and to hold
Zach and I were on our way back to Greenville Illinois. We had just stopped at Walmart, our usual stop to buy food and save money. I was so hungry. I was trying to go on a little longer, in my urgency to finally collapse into bed at the end of the expanding road before me. The longer we didn’t have to stop the better. I just wanted to get to Greenville.
Well, we finally stopped, and I was content. Revived.
So… what if I decided I could hold out in hunger for a while longer? The reality is, I could have. The reality is, I didn’t have to even eat the food when we brought it back into the car. I could have brought the bags inside, and set them by my feet, and put my ear buds back into my ears. I could have picked up my cell phone and started texting my sister because I already miss her and it’s only been a matter of hours. I didn’t have to eat the food we had just bought.
What if I wanted to just keep my food close by just in case I got to my breaking point? I could have done that. What if I wanted to keep it all safe, in the back of the car so I wouldn’t think about it or waste even a spec of it? That’s good logic. There are starving people in the world. I shouldn’t be greedy with what I’m blessed with. If I take the absolute best care of my stuff, then I’ll be glorifying God with it.
Hmmm… well, I could have done that. I could have been proud of myself for my own self-control. But I didn’t do that. I ate. I was hungry.
So, why this ridiculous banter? Well, I guess I figure it might help me express something on my heart today.
Matthew 25:14-30 is the Parable Jesus told about the talents. A man is going on a journey, and he called his servants together, and entrusted his property to them. A “talent” was worth more than a thousand dollars. The man gave five talents of money to the first guy, two talents to the second guy, and one to the third guy. He gave according to the servants’ abilities at that time. The first guy and the second guy immediately invested in what they were given, and doubled what they received. The third guy went off and dug a hole in the ground, and hid his master’s money. When the man came back, both the first and second servant came to him and presented the fruits of their labor. Their master responded by saying, “ Well done good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!”
When the third servant came forward, he said, “Master, I knew you are a hard man harvesting where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.”
Well, not a happy ending here… the master gave it to him good, and sets him darn straight.
The third servant made an assumption. And because of that assumption, and his fear, he lost everything. He lost even what he did have. In the end, he not only gained nothing, but lost what he did have.
What stands out to me is the end of this parable. Verses 28-29 say, “Take the talent from him, and give it to the one who has ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.”
The first time I read that, it stuck to me. Everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance.
These words are life. The Word of God, is called the LIVING word of God, because it is alive, and it speaks life. Life is now. Life is alive. It is parallel to exactly the moment we’re in. Life is now.
Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.
These words can be a release, or they can be words that strap your arms behind your back until your neck cramps to your shoulder. It eventually becomes more comfortable to stay in the cramp than to attempt to stretch it out.
Just because God “gives” us something, doesn’t mean we receive it. What I’m struck with is this: we are to seek abundance. We are not to settle for the menial amounts we begin with. He gives with intentions of giving us more.
When we make assumptions about what God can do, we settle. We make a compromise because of our own limitations. When we go off and hide what He tried to give us, because it’s not really “ours,” and because we’re afraid, we do absolutely nothing. We lose. In the end, we not only lose, but we lost.
We don’t receive, just because something was given. We need to HAVE what is given. Receive what is given. Hold it. Grasp it. Take hold of it. To have and to hold is not just a wedding vow. We are to have and to hold what God gives.
Just because I bought some food did not mean I had it. And it would have done me no good if I didn’t eat it. So I ate it.
I don’t want to be someone with my neck stuck to my shoulder. I want to have and to hold the things God gives me. I want to seek an abundance. I don’t want to hide what He gives me. I want more of Him, and I’m allowed to seek it. I’m allowed to get fired up. I’m allowed to get upset and angry when I feel I’m not reaching the abundance that is mine as a child of God. I’m allowed to act in extremes. You know why? It’s passion. We’re allowed to have passion. Passion is not always “nice” and it’s not always what looks “safe” or “humble.” But you know what? After a while with your neck stuck to your shoulder, it doesn’t feel natural to tug it back to where it’s supposed to be. It hurts worse than the problem.
I’m sick of this in my own life. I’m done with it, and I’m angry about it. I’m passionate about it. I’m asking God for more. When He gives, it’s to have and to hold, and I want all of it.
I have a problem when people preach against the prosperity message. The prosperity message that God is a God who loves to give. That God is a God who loves to give His people good things. Good gifts. That we are a people who are allowed to ask for more. That we are allowed to have and to hold the things God gives. This passage tells me something. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. Those words are not my own, and I hope they never are. Everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. I didn’t make up those words either, but I want those to be mine.
Well, we finally stopped, and I was content. Revived.
So… what if I decided I could hold out in hunger for a while longer? The reality is, I could have. The reality is, I didn’t have to even eat the food when we brought it back into the car. I could have brought the bags inside, and set them by my feet, and put my ear buds back into my ears. I could have picked up my cell phone and started texting my sister because I already miss her and it’s only been a matter of hours. I didn’t have to eat the food we had just bought.
What if I wanted to just keep my food close by just in case I got to my breaking point? I could have done that. What if I wanted to keep it all safe, in the back of the car so I wouldn’t think about it or waste even a spec of it? That’s good logic. There are starving people in the world. I shouldn’t be greedy with what I’m blessed with. If I take the absolute best care of my stuff, then I’ll be glorifying God with it.
Hmmm… well, I could have done that. I could have been proud of myself for my own self-control. But I didn’t do that. I ate. I was hungry.
So, why this ridiculous banter? Well, I guess I figure it might help me express something on my heart today.
Matthew 25:14-30 is the Parable Jesus told about the talents. A man is going on a journey, and he called his servants together, and entrusted his property to them. A “talent” was worth more than a thousand dollars. The man gave five talents of money to the first guy, two talents to the second guy, and one to the third guy. He gave according to the servants’ abilities at that time. The first guy and the second guy immediately invested in what they were given, and doubled what they received. The third guy went off and dug a hole in the ground, and hid his master’s money. When the man came back, both the first and second servant came to him and presented the fruits of their labor. Their master responded by saying, “ Well done good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!”
When the third servant came forward, he said, “Master, I knew you are a hard man harvesting where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.”
Well, not a happy ending here… the master gave it to him good, and sets him darn straight.
The third servant made an assumption. And because of that assumption, and his fear, he lost everything. He lost even what he did have. In the end, he not only gained nothing, but lost what he did have.
What stands out to me is the end of this parable. Verses 28-29 say, “Take the talent from him, and give it to the one who has ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.”
The first time I read that, it stuck to me. Everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance.
These words are life. The Word of God, is called the LIVING word of God, because it is alive, and it speaks life. Life is now. Life is alive. It is parallel to exactly the moment we’re in. Life is now.
Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.
These words can be a release, or they can be words that strap your arms behind your back until your neck cramps to your shoulder. It eventually becomes more comfortable to stay in the cramp than to attempt to stretch it out.
Just because God “gives” us something, doesn’t mean we receive it. What I’m struck with is this: we are to seek abundance. We are not to settle for the menial amounts we begin with. He gives with intentions of giving us more.
When we make assumptions about what God can do, we settle. We make a compromise because of our own limitations. When we go off and hide what He tried to give us, because it’s not really “ours,” and because we’re afraid, we do absolutely nothing. We lose. In the end, we not only lose, but we lost.
We don’t receive, just because something was given. We need to HAVE what is given. Receive what is given. Hold it. Grasp it. Take hold of it. To have and to hold is not just a wedding vow. We are to have and to hold what God gives.
Just because I bought some food did not mean I had it. And it would have done me no good if I didn’t eat it. So I ate it.
I don’t want to be someone with my neck stuck to my shoulder. I want to have and to hold the things God gives me. I want to seek an abundance. I don’t want to hide what He gives me. I want more of Him, and I’m allowed to seek it. I’m allowed to get fired up. I’m allowed to get upset and angry when I feel I’m not reaching the abundance that is mine as a child of God. I’m allowed to act in extremes. You know why? It’s passion. We’re allowed to have passion. Passion is not always “nice” and it’s not always what looks “safe” or “humble.” But you know what? After a while with your neck stuck to your shoulder, it doesn’t feel natural to tug it back to where it’s supposed to be. It hurts worse than the problem.
I’m sick of this in my own life. I’m done with it, and I’m angry about it. I’m passionate about it. I’m asking God for more. When He gives, it’s to have and to hold, and I want all of it.
I have a problem when people preach against the prosperity message. The prosperity message that God is a God who loves to give. That God is a God who loves to give His people good things. Good gifts. That we are a people who are allowed to ask for more. That we are allowed to have and to hold the things God gives. This passage tells me something. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. Those words are not my own, and I hope they never are. Everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. I didn’t make up those words either, but I want those to be mine.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Direct flight
Well now. In three short days I will be heading back to Greenville Illinois for my Senior year at Greenville College. When I left Greenville in May, I couldn't wait for these moments I'm now living. I was impatient. I felt like the Summer was merely a layover before my life could continue. Of course I was excited about Summer... please. I missed the shore, I missed hanging with my best friends, and running over to hang out in Philly any chance I got. I love New Jersey. I adore my family. And oh my gosh my head hurt form so much school! But I grew accustomed to my life in Greenville. I loved my life in Greenville. I love school, too. It feels great to constantly be accomplishing something.... I'm a list person. That says a lot about me:)
In the past, when people would be leaving for school, I'd say good-bye, knowing I'd see them again. The way I felt, as one who stayed "home," was life would go on without them around. In some ways, I felt as though their lives would be on "layover" while they did school before coming back to the "real world." Which was obviously where I was. Where their families were. Where their friends were.
But the reality is, they lived. They lived while I lived. When they came back, I'd never considered the lives they lived while on "layover." I guess I just forgot they still lived.
Being on the other side of my old perception, I'm a little stunned. Coming home for the Summer seemed so unexciting. While I've been proved wrong with an awesome and completely fantastic summer, this goes to show that coming back to "reality" is not really so legitimate. Wherever I am is reality. Whatever I'm doing is reality. Wherever I lay my head... that's home. Even if just for a while. The fact is, my life is still mine when I'm home. My life is still mine if I'm rooming with a midwesterner in the middle of hundreds of corn fields in the Land of Lincoln.
While I'm in the midst of "transitioning realities," if you will, It's become clear to me that while I sent my friends on "layover" in the past, they were still living. And they were living wildly. They were experiencing life to the most heightened extents. They experienced things they weren't planning on. They were meeting people that would influence them, and in the end, change their lives. They were constantly being changed. They were continually being challenged. They were coming into their own. They were learning. Every single, stinkin' day. they were writing stories they would tell for the rest of their lives. They were learning what they believe. They were learning why they love what they do. They were learning what they want to be. They were learning they could fit more people in their hearts than they ever thought possible. They were growing. They were walking to class, but with each step, walking towards the person they were shifting to be. They were laughing with friends I'd never meet. They were calling their parents with tears in their eyes, because they didn't understand. They were wide awake far past midnight with questions that were yet to be answered, if answered at all. They were living.
And the next time I'd see them, I'd receive them as if they were living life as normally, and usually as I had been.
But they weren't. They hadn't been.
This is my last year of undergrad school... but it's only my second year away. It didn't take long for me to find that living so far away, on my own (with my brother only a few buildings away... but still) was like living a fast track to growing. To becoming a new person. A fast track to change. But the thing is, it's in an environment that everyone is being completely influenced too at the same time. We're all in the same boat. We're all on the fast track. We're all learning, and embarking on the journey together.
So next time you New Jersey people see me, don't forget that I've lived, even when i wasn't living next to you. Our realities will be in different places for a while, but I'll be back. And maybe our realities will join again. So while you wake up at your alarms for school, and work, I'll probably be sleeping because we're an hour earlier over in IL:) But when you're waking up, and washing your face in the sink, don't forget that I'm walking to class with my sleepy eyes, wondering why I am where I am. When you're sleeping in your own bed, I'll be in a house owned by a man named Howie, with a wife whose name I can't remember while on a choir tour. When you're walking in the church you call your own, I'll be walking into one I may have never gone to before. When you're eating your lunch quietly in an office, I'll be walking back to grab my gluten-free plate form the Richard, my personalized chef ;) When you're going to bed at night, I'll be sitting on my own bed, watching the posters of swing dancing couples as if they'll start dancing off the card stock. I'll be talking to my roommate as we discuss the day's happenings. I'll be wondering why life can be the way it can be, and why it has to treat me as a victim when i want to be a culprit of living it well. I'll be blinking and breathing to the rhythms of confusion and maybe frustration. I'll be remembering my summer realities and wondering how I can keep them with me when I'm living so far away. I'll be waking up and brushing my teeth next to girls you may never know. I'll be walking around a neighborhood that looks like it's 100 years old, with people no younger.
I'll be living a reality. Even though you don't see it.
And you will, too. Even though I don't see it.
So when we meet again, I won't forget that you too, have lived in reality. That life has not abandoned you, nor struck you down from continuing on the journey of reality. Life has taken hold of you, and it has taken hold of me. And we've been given the relentless order to live it. To step inside the skins of existing. To walk around in it. To stand in it. To sing in it. To dance, to shout, to move, to live. In it.
So. Our realities part us for a time, yes? Yes. But I'll be back. In the mean time, live it well. No layovers. A direct flight to reality. Over and over again.
In the past, when people would be leaving for school, I'd say good-bye, knowing I'd see them again. The way I felt, as one who stayed "home," was life would go on without them around. In some ways, I felt as though their lives would be on "layover" while they did school before coming back to the "real world." Which was obviously where I was. Where their families were. Where their friends were.
But the reality is, they lived. They lived while I lived. When they came back, I'd never considered the lives they lived while on "layover." I guess I just forgot they still lived.
Being on the other side of my old perception, I'm a little stunned. Coming home for the Summer seemed so unexciting. While I've been proved wrong with an awesome and completely fantastic summer, this goes to show that coming back to "reality" is not really so legitimate. Wherever I am is reality. Whatever I'm doing is reality. Wherever I lay my head... that's home. Even if just for a while. The fact is, my life is still mine when I'm home. My life is still mine if I'm rooming with a midwesterner in the middle of hundreds of corn fields in the Land of Lincoln.
While I'm in the midst of "transitioning realities," if you will, It's become clear to me that while I sent my friends on "layover" in the past, they were still living. And they were living wildly. They were experiencing life to the most heightened extents. They experienced things they weren't planning on. They were meeting people that would influence them, and in the end, change their lives. They were constantly being changed. They were continually being challenged. They were coming into their own. They were learning. Every single, stinkin' day. they were writing stories they would tell for the rest of their lives. They were learning what they believe. They were learning why they love what they do. They were learning what they want to be. They were learning they could fit more people in their hearts than they ever thought possible. They were growing. They were walking to class, but with each step, walking towards the person they were shifting to be. They were laughing with friends I'd never meet. They were calling their parents with tears in their eyes, because they didn't understand. They were wide awake far past midnight with questions that were yet to be answered, if answered at all. They were living.
And the next time I'd see them, I'd receive them as if they were living life as normally, and usually as I had been.
But they weren't. They hadn't been.
This is my last year of undergrad school... but it's only my second year away. It didn't take long for me to find that living so far away, on my own (with my brother only a few buildings away... but still) was like living a fast track to growing. To becoming a new person. A fast track to change. But the thing is, it's in an environment that everyone is being completely influenced too at the same time. We're all in the same boat. We're all on the fast track. We're all learning, and embarking on the journey together.
So next time you New Jersey people see me, don't forget that I've lived, even when i wasn't living next to you. Our realities will be in different places for a while, but I'll be back. And maybe our realities will join again. So while you wake up at your alarms for school, and work, I'll probably be sleeping because we're an hour earlier over in IL:) But when you're waking up, and washing your face in the sink, don't forget that I'm walking to class with my sleepy eyes, wondering why I am where I am. When you're sleeping in your own bed, I'll be in a house owned by a man named Howie, with a wife whose name I can't remember while on a choir tour. When you're walking in the church you call your own, I'll be walking into one I may have never gone to before. When you're eating your lunch quietly in an office, I'll be walking back to grab my gluten-free plate form the Richard, my personalized chef ;) When you're going to bed at night, I'll be sitting on my own bed, watching the posters of swing dancing couples as if they'll start dancing off the card stock. I'll be talking to my roommate as we discuss the day's happenings. I'll be wondering why life can be the way it can be, and why it has to treat me as a victim when i want to be a culprit of living it well. I'll be blinking and breathing to the rhythms of confusion and maybe frustration. I'll be remembering my summer realities and wondering how I can keep them with me when I'm living so far away. I'll be waking up and brushing my teeth next to girls you may never know. I'll be walking around a neighborhood that looks like it's 100 years old, with people no younger.
I'll be living a reality. Even though you don't see it.
And you will, too. Even though I don't see it.
So when we meet again, I won't forget that you too, have lived in reality. That life has not abandoned you, nor struck you down from continuing on the journey of reality. Life has taken hold of you, and it has taken hold of me. And we've been given the relentless order to live it. To step inside the skins of existing. To walk around in it. To stand in it. To sing in it. To dance, to shout, to move, to live. In it.
So. Our realities part us for a time, yes? Yes. But I'll be back. In the mean time, live it well. No layovers. A direct flight to reality. Over and over again.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me
I'm a musician. My thoughts move like chord progressions. I tap my fingers on my steering wheel, though I can hardly keep drum sticks from slipping out of my hand. I start to sway when I'm sitting or standing still, possibly to the beat of my own heart if that's believable. There's always a rhythm. When I hear a profound statement, I flip through it till I find a way to remember it... meaning I find a way to make it sound like a lyrical hook. When I hear the hum of a car next to me mix with whatever I'm driving, I wonder how they'd mix with instruments. When I hear a song playing when I'm walking, I'm sentenced to walking in beat. My feet won't have it any other way. I practically have to shove my fingers in my ears and scream " LA LA LA LA LA!!" if I should decide to walk to my own pace. It's distressing!
Anyway, I was talking to a woman yesterday who was a music major in college as well, and she mentioned how as musical people, we use the right side of our brains a lot. We begin to function in different ways by exercising certain parts of our brains the way we do. She challenged me not to forget the things I've learned and the things God has put in my life over this summer as I head back to school in a few days. She said musical people tend to "drop" things, and head to whatever else they're doing. This woman is a doctor, too, by the way. She's not just some freak who spends too much time on Google.
She mentioned how musicians move on and sometimes move on to the point of forgetting what they moved on from. The focus is different. She had gone into the mechanics of the "right side of the brain" and how it differs from the left side, and all of that. It was really interesting in an intellectual kind of way, but also interesting in a few other ways.
I think God was really speaking through her when she started taking about not forgetting. I admit, in my fast-paced, "bring on the challenge" kind of personality, I tend to just keep moving. I reflect a ton, but once I reflect, I'm ready to get on going again. I think God was telling me I need to trust more. I need to forget about my own agenda and where I need to get to. When God makes a promise, He keeps it. But if I forget to face His faithfulness, I won't get the blessing.
That was vague... think of it this way: If Zach were to promise me $20, but I never go to get the cash, I won't get it. If I don't face the situation, I won't receive the blessing. If God promises me something, if He gives me a word from Him, and I don't continue seeking and searching Him through the completion of whatever it is... I miss something. I might not completely "miss" something, but I don't get the full richness of it.
This Summer I'm amazed at the things God has done. I'm amazed at how much He's grown in me, and how much He's rekindled so much He had started years ago. I'm in awe of the ways He's blessed me, and how He's inspired me. I'm also shocked at how little I still know of Him. No matter what, I'm always walking blindly in some way. I can feel like I understand what He's doing in my life and in the situations around me, and then get slapped in the face with a curve ball when i wasn't even standing on the field. Bah!
But I'm continually reminded of the words this woman spoke to me yesterday. Don't forget. Don't "move on" and forget.
I was really challenged. I think I'm gonna have to learn how to juggle a little better. My hard focus might have to go through some Pilates work outs...
Anyway, I love music. It's so awesome. And so I will title this work with the rich lyrics of John Mayer.
Anyway, I was talking to a woman yesterday who was a music major in college as well, and she mentioned how as musical people, we use the right side of our brains a lot. We begin to function in different ways by exercising certain parts of our brains the way we do. She challenged me not to forget the things I've learned and the things God has put in my life over this summer as I head back to school in a few days. She said musical people tend to "drop" things, and head to whatever else they're doing. This woman is a doctor, too, by the way. She's not just some freak who spends too much time on Google.
She mentioned how musicians move on and sometimes move on to the point of forgetting what they moved on from. The focus is different. She had gone into the mechanics of the "right side of the brain" and how it differs from the left side, and all of that. It was really interesting in an intellectual kind of way, but also interesting in a few other ways.
I think God was really speaking through her when she started taking about not forgetting. I admit, in my fast-paced, "bring on the challenge" kind of personality, I tend to just keep moving. I reflect a ton, but once I reflect, I'm ready to get on going again. I think God was telling me I need to trust more. I need to forget about my own agenda and where I need to get to. When God makes a promise, He keeps it. But if I forget to face His faithfulness, I won't get the blessing.
That was vague... think of it this way: If Zach were to promise me $20, but I never go to get the cash, I won't get it. If I don't face the situation, I won't receive the blessing. If God promises me something, if He gives me a word from Him, and I don't continue seeking and searching Him through the completion of whatever it is... I miss something. I might not completely "miss" something, but I don't get the full richness of it.
This Summer I'm amazed at the things God has done. I'm amazed at how much He's grown in me, and how much He's rekindled so much He had started years ago. I'm in awe of the ways He's blessed me, and how He's inspired me. I'm also shocked at how little I still know of Him. No matter what, I'm always walking blindly in some way. I can feel like I understand what He's doing in my life and in the situations around me, and then get slapped in the face with a curve ball when i wasn't even standing on the field. Bah!
But I'm continually reminded of the words this woman spoke to me yesterday. Don't forget. Don't "move on" and forget.
I was really challenged. I think I'm gonna have to learn how to juggle a little better. My hard focus might have to go through some Pilates work outs...
Anyway, I love music. It's so awesome. And so I will title this work with the rich lyrics of John Mayer.
Friday, August 13, 2010
A week with Whitnock
I feel as though it is time to document my vacation with Whitney. Though she came to my home, it was indeed appropriate to call it a vacation. We treated it as one, and so it was.
We took Whitney to Wawa. She loved it obviously.
The first visit was a Tasty Kake and Wawa Tea visit.
She believes in Wawa now. It was an emotional time.
We went to Apple Pie Hill and had a jolly old itme in pine barrens as we got lost on our way to Ocean City.
We took Whitney to Wawa. She loved it obviously.
The first visit was a Tasty Kake and Wawa Tea visit.
She believes in Wawa now. It was an emotional time.
We went to Apple Pie Hill and had a jolly old itme in pine barrens as we got lost on our way to Ocean City.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Like a ball and chain
I've been thinking about grace a lot lately. There are two ways grace can affect people. One way, is freedom. Grace can allow us to live in freedom. For example, a few months ago Zach and I went out to Steak and Shake with some buddies from school. I had no money. He paid for me. I was free to enjoy my milkshake:) I knew that he understood I had no money even as I got into his car. He wasn't hanging the fact over my head. He simply paid for me, and I paid him back later. There were no misunderstandings.
Another way though, is bondage. I know this sounds funny... but I keep seeing this. People living in bondage to grace. Including myself. I am in no way exempt from this. I think we've all been in a situation where someone "spotted" us when we were low on cash. But then the owed expense weighed over our heads. We felt the weight. Even though it began with grace.
Ok, so those were kinda silly, small examples of freedom vs. bondage. But think about it. It's the same way with God. He's given us grace. He's our Savior. He gave everything so we could be understood. Forgiven. He gave everything so that He could give us grace.
Grace should give us freedom. Obviously not freedom to be stupid and continue living in sin, but freedom and peace in mind. Second Timothy 1:7 says God has given us a Spirit of a sound mind. No chaos of heart. Peace.
Ephesians 2:11-22 talks all about how God made peace with us. He is our peace. I love Ephesians 2:17, that says, "He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near." I think that's beautiful.
Second Corinthians 3:17 says that where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
The point I'm trying to make is this. There is beautiful, unquenchable freedom and peace in the Spirit of God. And I want that for my life. I do not want to be in a place where I'm constantly using grace like a ball and chain. The kind of burden that I'll never be able to get out form under. I will never be able to repay the Lord for what He's done for me. I will never be able to attempt giving Him what He deserves from me. I can't even give Him anything compared to what He's done for me. And here's what's hilarious. He knows that.
The fact is, He died so we could have the freedom His Spirit gives. He died so that the ball and chain would have no power over us. Grace is not a burden. But sometimes we still live in such "humility" of His overwhelming grace, we fail to take hold of what is ours. We are His workmanship, and we are part of His family. Therefore, we receive the inheritance of His victory on the cross.
I can't stand it when all we talk about as Christians is "I'm so small." and "God is just so big." Ok, these statement are true. But the truth here is not just serving as truth. There are times when we're not just putting ourselves in our place next to God. Sometimes we're putting God in a miniature box on the shelf. We have the Spirit of God in us! It's immeasurable! It's too big for us! But it's there! It's in us! So when we put ourselves down, we diminish what God has done in us. We take away from what He's given us.
I've been getting increasingly frustrated when I hear things like, "Why would God save a freak like me?" When we're already saved, and living in relationship with God. Hello! Enough of this! We have got to live in boldness in the Spirit. We have to live in the confidence that He has done what He has done. He has given us every spiritual blessing in Christ (Eph. 1:3). We lack nothing in Him. So now what? We have to live in it. We have to chop off the ball and chain, because you know what? That ball and chain is not grace. It's not even the beginnings of being of God. And if it's not of God, then it's of Someone else. And we should not bare even a hint of anything form anyone else.
When we live in the freedom of the Spirit of God, we have the boldness to seek and ask for more of Him. We have the confidence to receive more of Him, and do greater things for and through Him.
If we are to sit back in the depths and crevices of our menial humanity, we can't do anything. We sit back, and absorb what it feels like to be an object of grace, not a receiver of grace. Not a receiver who absorbs the fullness of what grace actually is.
I don't want to be a Christian who lives in bondage to "grace." If I'm really receiving grace, and taking hold of it, it gives me freedom. It gives me life, and joy, and strength and boldness. It gives me fullness to dream and live in the fullness of God, and the ability to grasp how wide, and long, and high and deep is the love of Christ. It gives me freedom to receive what He's offered me through His blood. I want it.
Another way though, is bondage. I know this sounds funny... but I keep seeing this. People living in bondage to grace. Including myself. I am in no way exempt from this. I think we've all been in a situation where someone "spotted" us when we were low on cash. But then the owed expense weighed over our heads. We felt the weight. Even though it began with grace.
Ok, so those were kinda silly, small examples of freedom vs. bondage. But think about it. It's the same way with God. He's given us grace. He's our Savior. He gave everything so we could be understood. Forgiven. He gave everything so that He could give us grace.
Grace should give us freedom. Obviously not freedom to be stupid and continue living in sin, but freedom and peace in mind. Second Timothy 1:7 says God has given us a Spirit of a sound mind. No chaos of heart. Peace.
Ephesians 2:11-22 talks all about how God made peace with us. He is our peace. I love Ephesians 2:17, that says, "He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near." I think that's beautiful.
Second Corinthians 3:17 says that where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
The point I'm trying to make is this. There is beautiful, unquenchable freedom and peace in the Spirit of God. And I want that for my life. I do not want to be in a place where I'm constantly using grace like a ball and chain. The kind of burden that I'll never be able to get out form under. I will never be able to repay the Lord for what He's done for me. I will never be able to attempt giving Him what He deserves from me. I can't even give Him anything compared to what He's done for me. And here's what's hilarious. He knows that.
The fact is, He died so we could have the freedom His Spirit gives. He died so that the ball and chain would have no power over us. Grace is not a burden. But sometimes we still live in such "humility" of His overwhelming grace, we fail to take hold of what is ours. We are His workmanship, and we are part of His family. Therefore, we receive the inheritance of His victory on the cross.
I can't stand it when all we talk about as Christians is "I'm so small." and "God is just so big." Ok, these statement are true. But the truth here is not just serving as truth. There are times when we're not just putting ourselves in our place next to God. Sometimes we're putting God in a miniature box on the shelf. We have the Spirit of God in us! It's immeasurable! It's too big for us! But it's there! It's in us! So when we put ourselves down, we diminish what God has done in us. We take away from what He's given us.
I've been getting increasingly frustrated when I hear things like, "Why would God save a freak like me?" When we're already saved, and living in relationship with God. Hello! Enough of this! We have got to live in boldness in the Spirit. We have to live in the confidence that He has done what He has done. He has given us every spiritual blessing in Christ (Eph. 1:3). We lack nothing in Him. So now what? We have to live in it. We have to chop off the ball and chain, because you know what? That ball and chain is not grace. It's not even the beginnings of being of God. And if it's not of God, then it's of Someone else. And we should not bare even a hint of anything form anyone else.
When we live in the freedom of the Spirit of God, we have the boldness to seek and ask for more of Him. We have the confidence to receive more of Him, and do greater things for and through Him.
If we are to sit back in the depths and crevices of our menial humanity, we can't do anything. We sit back, and absorb what it feels like to be an object of grace, not a receiver of grace. Not a receiver who absorbs the fullness of what grace actually is.
I don't want to be a Christian who lives in bondage to "grace." If I'm really receiving grace, and taking hold of it, it gives me freedom. It gives me life, and joy, and strength and boldness. It gives me fullness to dream and live in the fullness of God, and the ability to grasp how wide, and long, and high and deep is the love of Christ. It gives me freedom to receive what He's offered me through His blood. I want it.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Just take this in
It's been over a week since I've blogged! How could I have taken so long to get back? Well, I have had one of the best weeks of the whole summer this past one. Whitney Bentch came to visit, and I must say, it was awesome. She refused to leave the little twerp. She changed her flight friday night from Saturday morning to Monday morning. Or so we thought. We got to the airport at about 7 am... we woke up around 5 am Monday.... all to find as we were unloading the car, that it was indeed for 8:08 PM and not AM... and so we drove back and enjoyed another glorious and exhausted day in Jersey. It was a great time, and it made me all the more excited to get back to Gville.
I leave in only 8 days! I can hardly believe such a statement... but it's true. I leave on Thursday. A week from tomorrow. I have no complaints. God is so good, and I'm crazy excited about the things He's done in and around me this summer, and what He's yet to do in this next part of my life. My last year of College. What?! Hah... I'm pretty used to the idea now, so I should stop with the "?!"... maybe:)
This week, I've gotten to meet with a few friends I hadn't seen for a while. One of them I met with last night. We grew up together since we were probably 5 or so. She got married almost a year ago, and I was at school. It was awesome to get to hang with her for a while. And another good friend of mine, I met with today. Why does it always seem to be right before I'm about to leave again I remember all the people I love being with? So typical Shaina, so typical.
Anyway, I met with Kristi today, and oh my goodness she's having a baby! I heard back in March, and I could not express my excitement for her and Jason. We talked about her adorable baby belly, and all the things that have transpired in the last year of our lives. It was great.
One of the things we talked about a lot today was relationships. We probably annoyed the old man sitting close by us... I would have hated us if I weren't one of us. Our silly woman words, and laughter, and a lot of phrases that may or may not have been in the "TMI" category... Anyway, we talked about how God is basically just crafty. We discussed previous relationships and broken hearts. I also promised her I'd have a baby, and make sure it'd be at the same time she has one so they can be best friends.
We're both at pretty different stages of life right now. I'm going back to school to finish my Bachelor's, and she's married and pregnant with her first baby boy. But we still came to the conclusion that God is so good when it comes to our hearts. He is one to tell us, "Relax, and just take this in," when we get scared of losing something we want. He's one to say, "Enjoy the view," rather than letting us try to keep up with a race car on two feet. How often do we do this? We think we're all every man for himself. We think we're supposed to have a motor when we're only human. We're not machine. We try to operate like one though sometimes.
The right relationship is not one that leaves you feeling like less than what you started with. It's not one that makes you cry when you think about it, or one that makes you try to distract yourself with other things. It's not something that you have to talk up to yourself so you feel alright. It's not something you have to question.
The right relationship should be one that makes you better than you were when you started. One that makes you think, "how can this even be real?!" when you think about it. It should be one that you want to think about all the time, because it makes everything else in life somehow just better. It's something you know is good, and everyone else around you knows too. You don't have to make excuses. It's something you know. Hands down.
Kristi and I decided that the right relationship is like riding a magic carpet. Aladdin is my favorite Disney movie, so I saw this as a worthy description. The right relationship is one you have to do nothing about. It just is. You don't have to rework your life for someone, because he's already walking the same way you are. You don't have to try to make the person fall in love with you... and you don't have to try to fall in love with him. I remember watching Kristi and Jason. It was adorable, and so incredible. A love story that was beautiful, and still is. Anyway, manipulation is not part of the right relationship. When it's at the right time, and with the right person... you can just relax. And ride. Like the whole thing is a magic caret ride. A whole new world. Don't you dare close your eyes. And how could you at a time like that?
Anyway, this evening is well. Life is so good.
I leave in only 8 days! I can hardly believe such a statement... but it's true. I leave on Thursday. A week from tomorrow. I have no complaints. God is so good, and I'm crazy excited about the things He's done in and around me this summer, and what He's yet to do in this next part of my life. My last year of College. What?! Hah... I'm pretty used to the idea now, so I should stop with the "?!"... maybe:)
This week, I've gotten to meet with a few friends I hadn't seen for a while. One of them I met with last night. We grew up together since we were probably 5 or so. She got married almost a year ago, and I was at school. It was awesome to get to hang with her for a while. And another good friend of mine, I met with today. Why does it always seem to be right before I'm about to leave again I remember all the people I love being with? So typical Shaina, so typical.
Anyway, I met with Kristi today, and oh my goodness she's having a baby! I heard back in March, and I could not express my excitement for her and Jason. We talked about her adorable baby belly, and all the things that have transpired in the last year of our lives. It was great.
One of the things we talked about a lot today was relationships. We probably annoyed the old man sitting close by us... I would have hated us if I weren't one of us. Our silly woman words, and laughter, and a lot of phrases that may or may not have been in the "TMI" category... Anyway, we talked about how God is basically just crafty. We discussed previous relationships and broken hearts. I also promised her I'd have a baby, and make sure it'd be at the same time she has one so they can be best friends.
We're both at pretty different stages of life right now. I'm going back to school to finish my Bachelor's, and she's married and pregnant with her first baby boy. But we still came to the conclusion that God is so good when it comes to our hearts. He is one to tell us, "Relax, and just take this in," when we get scared of losing something we want. He's one to say, "Enjoy the view," rather than letting us try to keep up with a race car on two feet. How often do we do this? We think we're all every man for himself. We think we're supposed to have a motor when we're only human. We're not machine. We try to operate like one though sometimes.
The right relationship is not one that leaves you feeling like less than what you started with. It's not one that makes you cry when you think about it, or one that makes you try to distract yourself with other things. It's not something that you have to talk up to yourself so you feel alright. It's not something you have to question.
The right relationship should be one that makes you better than you were when you started. One that makes you think, "how can this even be real?!" when you think about it. It should be one that you want to think about all the time, because it makes everything else in life somehow just better. It's something you know is good, and everyone else around you knows too. You don't have to make excuses. It's something you know. Hands down.
Kristi and I decided that the right relationship is like riding a magic carpet. Aladdin is my favorite Disney movie, so I saw this as a worthy description. The right relationship is one you have to do nothing about. It just is. You don't have to rework your life for someone, because he's already walking the same way you are. You don't have to try to make the person fall in love with you... and you don't have to try to fall in love with him. I remember watching Kristi and Jason. It was adorable, and so incredible. A love story that was beautiful, and still is. Anyway, manipulation is not part of the right relationship. When it's at the right time, and with the right person... you can just relax. And ride. Like the whole thing is a magic caret ride. A whole new world. Don't you dare close your eyes. And how could you at a time like that?
Anyway, this evening is well. Life is so good.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I'm crazy, but I'm serious
Ok, I have decided something. It's 2 am, and I just finished talking to my mom for a while about my teaching stuff I've been doing for the past few years. I'm going to make my own curriculum. I'm tired of reforming my own stuff over and over again off of a book that doesn't always cut it for what I think my students really need. So I'm going to make my own.
I'm actually completely serious. A lot of people have asked me if I plan on doing that, and my answer has always been "I would love to." but now I think I'm actually going to begin actively pursuing it. I'm going to start researching and reading a bunch of books. I'm going to do this. I think it'd be awesome. And I would love to do it. Can you imagine teaching from your own book? How freaking awesome would that be? And thinking futuristically, that could definitely help me pay off my loans faster:) Good deal.
So I'm going to make my own Latin curriculum for young kids. Call me crazy. But I think I've already established quite well I am that. I'm tired. Good grief, good night world.
I'm actually completely serious. A lot of people have asked me if I plan on doing that, and my answer has always been "I would love to." but now I think I'm actually going to begin actively pursuing it. I'm going to start researching and reading a bunch of books. I'm going to do this. I think it'd be awesome. And I would love to do it. Can you imagine teaching from your own book? How freaking awesome would that be? And thinking futuristically, that could definitely help me pay off my loans faster:) Good deal.
So I'm going to make my own Latin curriculum for young kids. Call me crazy. But I think I've already established quite well I am that. I'm tired. Good grief, good night world.
A sighing conclusion
I feel like I haven't blogged for a long time. Maybe because so much has transpired over the past few days. And so much has yet to transpire before I go back to school in just over two weeks. Can you believe that? I'll be back at school so soon.
I admit I am kind of really nervous getting back to school... this year is going to be highly demanding and likely stressful at times. Although, with all of that, comes a truck loud of high expectations. So much accomplishment. I'm overwhelmed with excitement in so many areas. Vespers... holy crap I simply cannot wait to get started with all of that. Vespers was already a highlight of the week last school year. This year, it will practically become the high light of everyday considering all the stuff we'll be doing and preparing for being on the leadership for it. It's going to be awesome.
And then there's getting to live with Trina, whom I adore. I keep thinking of all the things we're gonna do with our room. I can't wait to invite people to come play guitar for us on our Guitar Stool. Haha.... it really is adorable how Treen (that's short for Trina those of you who didn't follow that) bought a stool for our room just for all of our guitar-playing friends. She says people just always sound so naturally better when sitting on a stool. I somehow think she might be right. I'm excited. She and I play as well, but we're still working on it. I've had five years more experience than her, but she's probably already got me beat. That's not saying much for me. But oh well... maybe this year I'll get back into it. I'd love that.
We wanted to decorate our room with quotes and posters and what not. I have to say I am truly looking forward to our (rather small?) but awesome room in Tenny. We're both pretty neat, so I'm excited to have a neat room. It will be refreshing after living in a room with two other sisters with all together not enough room.
I guess I'm gearing up for school mentally now. It's kind of stressful. Since I'm not there yet to figure things out. Making sure all of my scheduling things are worked out. Gross... I've always hated that part of school. It can be so complicated. It grieves me.
I'm extremely futuristic. I'm a huge planner. Just thinking about entering the next phase of my life (meaning the last year of my undergrad stuff), makes me start planning what comes next. I had been planning on studying abroad next summer. But then I started thinking about that. What was the real reason I wanted to do that? I would of course accomplish six credits at Oxford University. That would make my life feel so complete. However, I'd already be graduated. I wouldn't need the credits. What i wanted to do was travel. I would only study abroad for the experience of being somewhere else. So my thoughts now, are kind of along the lines of just going somewhere for a bit. Not moving. Like a missions trip. I don't know... just going somewhere. I've always wanted to go to Europe. Maybe I'll go next year. Grab some people, and make it happen.
I think I'm thinking I'll just come home and make money for a bit before I up and move to Nashville if I should ever do that. Although, it's probably best to leave that door open. Who knows what's going to happen this year at school. However, the plan is still getting my Masters with Liberty online:)
One thing I am for sure about, is getting my own place. I love being with the fam and everything, but I want to get a place. With Zach. Or by myself in my grandma's apartment. I've told her for years I was going to move in. It'd be perfect. And I have not lost hope by any means. It would be amazing. It would need a good amount of work, but I'm completely willing. A million percent willing.
And so... I suppose I have a good idea of what's going on and where I'm going. However, I still might as well join all of you who roll your eyes at my assertive planning personality... how many times do I have to walk into a wall to realize that God still does ridiculous things with my plans?
My sighing conclusion is this... I know where I'm going, and I know what I want. And I'm gearing up for how He'll bring me through the next 8-month phase (and basically last 8-month school phase) of getting me there.
AND! Whitney Bentch is coming to visit tomorrow morning! This week is already perfect. The anticipation. I love the anticipation. And the actual happenings will be amazing for sure.
I admit I am kind of really nervous getting back to school... this year is going to be highly demanding and likely stressful at times. Although, with all of that, comes a truck loud of high expectations. So much accomplishment. I'm overwhelmed with excitement in so many areas. Vespers... holy crap I simply cannot wait to get started with all of that. Vespers was already a highlight of the week last school year. This year, it will practically become the high light of everyday considering all the stuff we'll be doing and preparing for being on the leadership for it. It's going to be awesome.
And then there's getting to live with Trina, whom I adore. I keep thinking of all the things we're gonna do with our room. I can't wait to invite people to come play guitar for us on our Guitar Stool. Haha.... it really is adorable how Treen (that's short for Trina those of you who didn't follow that) bought a stool for our room just for all of our guitar-playing friends. She says people just always sound so naturally better when sitting on a stool. I somehow think she might be right. I'm excited. She and I play as well, but we're still working on it. I've had five years more experience than her, but she's probably already got me beat. That's not saying much for me. But oh well... maybe this year I'll get back into it. I'd love that.
We wanted to decorate our room with quotes and posters and what not. I have to say I am truly looking forward to our (rather small?) but awesome room in Tenny. We're both pretty neat, so I'm excited to have a neat room. It will be refreshing after living in a room with two other sisters with all together not enough room.
I guess I'm gearing up for school mentally now. It's kind of stressful. Since I'm not there yet to figure things out. Making sure all of my scheduling things are worked out. Gross... I've always hated that part of school. It can be so complicated. It grieves me.
I'm extremely futuristic. I'm a huge planner. Just thinking about entering the next phase of my life (meaning the last year of my undergrad stuff), makes me start planning what comes next. I had been planning on studying abroad next summer. But then I started thinking about that. What was the real reason I wanted to do that? I would of course accomplish six credits at Oxford University. That would make my life feel so complete. However, I'd already be graduated. I wouldn't need the credits. What i wanted to do was travel. I would only study abroad for the experience of being somewhere else. So my thoughts now, are kind of along the lines of just going somewhere for a bit. Not moving. Like a missions trip. I don't know... just going somewhere. I've always wanted to go to Europe. Maybe I'll go next year. Grab some people, and make it happen.
I think I'm thinking I'll just come home and make money for a bit before I up and move to Nashville if I should ever do that. Although, it's probably best to leave that door open. Who knows what's going to happen this year at school. However, the plan is still getting my Masters with Liberty online:)
One thing I am for sure about, is getting my own place. I love being with the fam and everything, but I want to get a place. With Zach. Or by myself in my grandma's apartment. I've told her for years I was going to move in. It'd be perfect. And I have not lost hope by any means. It would be amazing. It would need a good amount of work, but I'm completely willing. A million percent willing.
And so... I suppose I have a good idea of what's going on and where I'm going. However, I still might as well join all of you who roll your eyes at my assertive planning personality... how many times do I have to walk into a wall to realize that God still does ridiculous things with my plans?
My sighing conclusion is this... I know where I'm going, and I know what I want. And I'm gearing up for how He'll bring me through the next 8-month phase (and basically last 8-month school phase) of getting me there.
AND! Whitney Bentch is coming to visit tomorrow morning! This week is already perfect. The anticipation. I love the anticipation. And the actual happenings will be amazing for sure.
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