Wrecking ball

Hello blogging world!

Ok, remember how I said a few weeks ago how I keep praying God wrecks my plans if they're not His best thoughts for me? Well, I think this summer has been one wrecking ball after another.

Today I was supposed to start a new job. Full time. It was gonna be awesome. I was so excited and really ready to do something with my excessive and exhaustive amounts of free time.

I went to bed and set my alarm. Showered last night and woke up every hour afraid I'd wake up with too little time to feel good in the morning.

I woke up around 5 am thinking "Hey, I set my alarm for 6:45... I'll get some more sleep and then get going."

I was supposed to be at work at 8am.

I woke up at 8:04am.

My alarm was set for 6:45PM. Not AM.

So... I lost that job.

It took me six weeks to find it. I was beside myself.

I still am really... but somehow I really do marvel at it. Because it's the most ridiculous thing that could have happened to me right now. It was just a way to make money... but because of this a few things have changed already. In the past few weeks I've said my plans change every day... I don't know what to do about my plans never working out lately... seriously. What am I supposed to do now?

I feel so strongly something is going to start making sense soon. Things are becoming more and more confusing... more and more things point to one direction, but I just don't know how I'm gonna follow it. Something's gotta give soon.

It's like looking at a painting of a flower that shifting into something else. While I still look at it trying to see a flower when it's not anymore, it's not going to make me very happy. But eventually the new image will start to unfold a lot more clearly. Right now, it looks kind of like a mess, but I honestly feel it cannot get much more confusing than it is right now.

It's weird maybe to some people, but I've been praying really crazy prayers today. I've been asking God for really huge things.

Honestly, I'm just to the point that I don't know what else to do.

Maybe I haven't really trusted. Maybe I've just been feeling like I was trusting because of how radical my fear has been. How intense my confusion has been.

I'm not exactly a predestination advocate, but I am fully confident that everything is in the hands of God. Everything that happens. I try not to over spiritualize things, but sometimes the only way to describe things is to say there is Something at work quite beyond me. Everything is about God and for God. And if it's not, it's the Enemy. I think it's that simple.

I'm kind of excited in a way. Part of me feels awful to be excited after something so frustrating happening this morning. But seriously... God is up to something, and I'm feeling the shock waves start to reach new parts of my heart. Maybe parts of it that I thought were His, but were really never fully His.

Jeremiah 29 talks about how God will hear us. He will listen to our cries when we seek Him with all of our hearts. So I think this blow has paralyzed me enough to let the heat melt the places I was quick enough to shield in the past. My whole heart. Melted.

There are more ways to surrender than I realized.

I'm finding humor in this. How could I not. This is ridiculous.

Please pray for me. As funny as this whole life is, it's not funny. Ok it's hilarious. But it's not funny.

Pray for me.