Twenty-One

Once I was back in Jersey, I was better. Once I could just forget about Caleb, and enjoy his friendship, I was just fine.

I was in a weird place about love, anyway. I had an odd, strong feeling that it wouldn't be long for me, but at the same time felt like it'd be years and year. I confided in Blakeley that I had a hunch it wouldn't be long. I held to it. Or more, it held to me. It was hard to shake.

October 2011 hit, and something strange happened.

You know those hilarious crushes you get over someone you never spoke to ever? Well, my old Greenville crush and I became friends on facebook. We had never spoken, but we started to. Yikes. Maybe God had spoken to me, and I was going to get in a relationship with this guy. It was a dream anyway.

November hit, and Caleb and I skyped one night. We skyped for about two hours. During those two hours, I asked Caleb if he;d found the woman of his dreams yet. He told me no. I asked if he was interested in anyone.

He squirmed in his green sweatshirt. He started, "Uhhhhhhhhgggg I dunno, I'm not sure, really..."

"CALEB!!!" I was overjoyed for him. "Ask her out! I don't care where you go or how you ask her, but you HAVE TO. This is HUGE!!"

"I dunno, Shai..."

"Caleb, you have got to take a chance. I'll pay for the date. heck, I'll buy you a gift card, and just use that. you don't even have to pay! You have to ask her out."

I wasn't getting through.

"Caleb, if she says no, I'll fly out there, and we'll go out so we don't waste money. But you have to ask her." I went on about how he's awesome, and shouldn't worry about what this girl would say.

It was normal to skype with Caleb, and I didn't think about him romantically at all. I was kind of giddy about this other guy I'd been talking with. But I was getting cold feet.

So I decided to mention it to Caleb. He had talked to me about his potential interest. And I didn't want to give him the impression I was interested in him. But I left out romantic feelings for this Greenville guy. I simply told Caleb he and I were talking a little bit, but I didn't want to give the "wrong impression" and I wasn't sure if I should keep talking to him. Caleb confirmed the guy was Godly, and a great person. That's all it took. Caleb said it, so it must be true. Caleb said if I over analyzed it, I could miss out on an awesome friendship.

I told my mom and Alex what Caleb said about this other Greenville guy, and they agreed. So this Greenville guy and I kept talking here and there, and I didn't feel weird anymore.

That week Zach, Caleigh and I were recording our EP in Nashville. But our Nashville flight got canceled. Zach was already in Nashville, and Caleigh and I were stranded at the airport, desperate to get a flight out. I was texting Caleb like a fool, and finally had the idea of flying into St. Louis to drive down with Jared the next morning, since he was going to meet up there anyway. Caleb confirmed his mom would pick us up, and we'd stay at the Arb's that night and go to the Blue's Game that night as well. Caleb was so excited to see us.

But right as we were about to board the plane, my amazing idea struck me. Blakeley was in St. Louis, and heading to Nashville that night. One of my best friends. So we quickly threw together our ideas, and Blakeley and Jared were coming to pick us up, and drive down to Nashville.

I called Caleb with only a few seconds to tell him not to have his mom get us, and that we had someone else getting us, and I'd see him later. I thanked him for being so willing to help, and hung up. And that was that.

In Nashville, we were recording Too Much, Away, and In the Eyes. Caleb and I texted a bit while we were in Nashville, and it was very relaxed and friendly. When it came time to record Too Much, I was pumped. I was so eager to sing, I couldn't stand it anymore. I was so pumped up, I felt like I would pop.

I was in the recording room, and sang my be-donk off. I kept imagining Caleb standing in front of me, finally able to scream (sing) at him for being so indecisive. He fought so hard to deny that he really did feel the same way. But I knew it. I knew he liked me so many times. He would change his mind, but I could read it on his face every time.

I went back in time. I was back at the library. I was back in the car when we crashed against the rail. I was laying on his shoulder in the car after Jr Sr. I was sitting with him at Jay and Alex's engagement party. I remembered how angry I'd been. How hurt I'd felt. How I just felt like screaming.  He would even move the way I do... we folded our arms the same way. He leaned on one hand while we worked at our computers in the library so long ago. We tapped the same foot at concerts. I knew we were seeing the same thing. Every time. If he could just let it set inside his heart... I balled my fists, and sang hard, and felt it surge through me... the anger... the frustration... the confusion...

But when I left that recording room, and knew the job was well done, I got out of the time machine. And thoughts of Caleb were no more. I revisited the site of the scene to get the emotion I needed. It was successful, and that was all.

When I sat back down in the room with Zach, Caleigh, Stephen (producer) and Jared, I looked at my hands, and saw I had made bruises on my hands, and indented from my fingernails. I showed everyone, and told Zach I just imagined Caleb standing in front of me and sang like I meant it.

"Yeah, you guys should date, and like, get married." Zach told me.

UHM. WHUT. Where did that come from?! That was completely uncalled for. It irritated me.

And I was still talking to that other guy. As friends. But nonetheless... it was still so evidently "too much" for Caleb. And I know I said "I'll wait I know I can reach you" to the imaginary Caleb in my time-machine recording booth... but I didn't mean it.

Twenty

By the time the weekend in September rolled around, I wasn't so eager. I was excited to see Caleb, but I was fairly simmered down as far as feelings went.

Zach and I left for St. Louis on a Friday night. When we got to St. Louis, Caleb and Stephen were supposed to be picking us up form the Airport. We couldn't find them at first. I turned a corner, and saw Stephen stalking around in his studly way. And Caleb was a little behind him. We all turned around and saw each other at once, and the boys did their chest bumps and I hugged everyone. Caleb hugged me so tightly, and took my bag for me. He kept his arm around me as we walked to the car, but it didn't throw me off too bad. We'd become such chummy friends.

I called shotgun, and we all drove to Delmar to the Loop where we'd meet up with tons more Greenville people. Including my roommate, Trina.

I practically leaped out of the car to hug Trina. The car had hardly stopped.

As Caleb turned around to park the car, I whispered to Trina that I thought something was cooking between Caleb and I.

"I don't doubt it, Shaina, I never did. I bet something could happen." She told me.

We all went to Fro Yo and sat down outside. It was so nice outside.

Now, this may sound like I was pleasantly interested in Caleb, and Caleb alone. But I wasn't. See, I was still trying to figure out what Shaina's heart truly wanted. And there was someone else I just wasn't totally sure about yet, either.

But that evening made me feel more certain about Caleb. So many of us in that gathering were college graduates, starting new jobs, beginning a new life. We all connected so well. And I felt like Caleb and I were so much more on the same page than me and anyone else. Just that usual feeling of acceptance and understanding Caleb and I tended to share.

When we were getting ready to leave, Alex called me. I was supposed to stay the night with her in her new apartment. The next day was her and Jay's engagement party. The whole reason Zach and I were in St. Louis.

Zach was staying over Caleb's. I was so excited to see Alex, but a little sad to say goodnight to Caleb.

Alex told me her water hadn't been turned on yet, though, and that I might want to stay at Caleb's. So it was decided.

I walked up to Caleb and told him the news. When we got to Caleb's, the three of us hung out for a little bit, but I decided I'd retire to go to bed earlier than they did. I said goodnight, and went up to the guest bedroom. As I walked passed all the pictures in the hallway, I thought to myself how I felt like I belonged somewhere in the collage of frames. I felt like I fit in.

I took out my journal, and wrote about the night. I was thinking about all the possibilities I had in life, since I was single, and unattached to anywhere specific. I thought about moving to St. Louis the following Summer, after teaching for a year in NJ.

Especially since I had a hunch I might be dating a certain someone by the following summer...

Just then, Caleb texted me, and asked if I'd like a lullaby. I said of course. I wasn't sure what he had up his sleeve, but he came into my room wearing his glasses. I thought he looked so cute.

He played Goodnight by the Beatles on his computer for me. He was so cute. He told me he was sorry he couldn't sing for me himself, but that it'd have to do. I thanked him, and he said goodnight, and went back downstairs.

Flirty. And so cute. I took it in, and wrote about it in my journal, but still wasn't entirely sure which guy I really was interested in. It sounds bad to say, but I was skeptical of Caleb, due to the past. He could so easily recreate the past, and confuse me to no end. It didn't make me feel safe. I felt foolish so many times with Caleb before, but I didn't really worry about it. I just enjoyed being with him.

The next day, Alex and I went to the Thrift Store. We were going through the aisle of vases and home decor, when she said, "I want to know why Caleb Arb doesn't have some amazing woman in his life. He is just so awesome."

"I know!" I replied. In all honesty, I didn't know why he didn't just pick one already. Whoever he picked. Just pick a girl. He could have anyone he wanted. We shared our thoughts about how Caleb is such a great guy, and whoever he spends his life with would be a lucky girl.

While Alex and I got ready for her engagement party, I shared with her my confusion about how I felt about some guy. But completely left Caleb out of it. I didn't know what it was, but I didn't want to bring Caleb into it. So I didn't. Until Alex asked me herself.

"What about you and Caleb? I always had a hunch about you two."

"I don't know Alex... I don't know what it is. It just never works. Something is just always off, and not right, and it's so confusing."

That night in Forest Park, I met up with Zach and Caleb when they got to the party. Caleb and I stood talking and laughing, even when Zach wandered off greeting other old friends from college. Alex walked past me, and she and I had a "You're standing next to Caleb and you look so cute!" and "I know! I don't know what this means but it's fun!" exchange with our eyes.

We all claimed our seats, and Caleb sat next to me. I could have read into it more, but he and I knew each other. It probably didn't mean a thing. But I didn't mind it. Caleb asked me if I wanted to get a drink, and we walked over to the drinks table and both got some juice, and sat down. Alex and I had another eye conversation as Caleb and I sat down. He gave me some of his food, when he saw I couldn't eat very much, since I'm gluten-intolerant.

That night, Zach, Caleb and I headed out to Greenville. On the way there, Caleb turned down the music. I was sitting in the back. He started to confess some things to Zach and I. At the party, I had heard Caleb make comments about how some people were just foolish about getting married. He had made some other negative comments in general about people getting married.

I couldn't hear him talk very well, since i was in the back. But I heard enough.

"I don't think I'll be in any place to get married for a long, long time..." My heart sank just a little. "I had a dream... I was getting married... and the girl who was supposed to be my wife was walking down the aisle... and I didn't love her..." I was starting to feel sick.  "I just feel like I'm bitter after what I've already been through. I know I am. And I don't know how long it'll take to get over it..."

So there it was. He kept talking, but I couldn't hear him, and I didn't care. I was hurt. He had flirted with me all night. I was happy about it. I loved him so much, but it had happened again.

I texted my mom, and told her I doubted I'd ever find anybody. She asked if there was anything with Caleb. I told her there wasn't. She said God knew exactly who he had for me, and he was probably right under my nose, just waiting on God's timing. And I doubted.

When we got to Greenville, we hung out with a bunch of people. I got to hang and play some music with some old friends, too.

As I lay on the floor of Trina and Haley's room, I just ached. Haley came in late, and I was still awake, my ind racing over the events of the day and previous night. She and I talked till 4am. I was so confused, but I decided I needed a musician. In other words, not Caleb. Singing and playing music with a man who I loved for the rest of my life would be like chicken soup that could cure a cold. I talked to Haley about my night, and about how frustrated I was about Caleb. And I felt more relaxed about the other guy I hadn't been sure about. I concluded. It wasn't Caleb. It could never be Caleb. I was done. So done. So overcooked about it. It was over, and I was done.

Nineteen

The first month home in NJ after graduation was one of the hardest I'd experienced. I was desperate to move to Nashville with Zach and Caleigh, and to get on my music and live life.

I finally got a job at Chipotle, all to lose it the first day because my alarm didn't work. That night, I went to bed early. I had been nearly asleep when my phone beeped.

"R U awake?" Caleb had texted.

That seemed odd to me that he'd text me like that. I texted him back that I was awake, and he said,

"Skype in 8?"

So I got my computer, and tried not to wake my sisters asleep in my room.

I got my computer into the sunroom, and he came on. I was worried. What was wrong? Was he ok?

So I got on, and he said, "Hey! I just wanted to say hey, I haven't talked to you in a while, how's it going?"

Ok. Maybe this was normal after all. No bigs. We used to skype all the time. We were friends. Good friends. I missed Caleb. And all memories of any hurt from him were gone. After all, I knew we were friends. I knew he was not really interested in pursing anyone at the moment. He stuck to his guns. He didn't go after anyone else. It wasn't just me. And Graduation proved I'd need some time to collect myself, as well. I was a mess of what was to be with my life. Caleb was a bit as well. We talked about how different life had become, and how we felt about it.

I decided to drop the bomb and let him know how humiliatingly stupid I'd been that day, losing my silly Chipotle job. He was so good, and encouraging. He laughed appropriately, and sympathized when he was supposed to.

He was waiting tables at a pizza place in St. Louis to pass the time as he looked for jobs in St. Louis. He had been planning on coming to Nashville with us, and getting a job there. Do something different, new and exciting.

Our Nashville plans were slowly becoming more and more frustrated as well.

We skyped for an hour and a half or so, and then went to bed. So much for going to bed early.

We would text and skype occasionally through the whole summer. It was normal, and easy, and the most non-threatening friendship with a guy I had. I gained a different perspective about Caleb, because he was such a faithful friend. If I told him I wanted to talk to him and he forgot, I forgave him easily, because I knew he was just Caleb. He forgot sometimes. And he would always apologize. I never thought he did anything maliciously. He was one of my best guy friends. And he understood me so well. And I understood him.

When he got his job with the St. Louis Blues Hockey Club, Zach and I rejoiced with him. When I got my Teaching job a few weeks later, he was one of the first people I called. He had been up at his family's farm when he called me back. We chatted for about 10 minutes. I was a little surprised at myself for being so excited to tell Caleb. But we had just both been in the same boat about finding work, and finding direction for life after College, he just understood me so well. I loved sharing those little victories with him.

It was August 15th 2011. My family went to a dinner at another family's house, and we all sat around just filling the other family of the new developments in our lives. We spent most of the evening looking at one of the family's daughters wedding pictures, and then the other daughter had just gotten engaged.

Immediately my thoughts turned to Caleb. It was out of the blue. I didn't know why I'd always go back to him. So many times it just didn't happen. It probably was God Himself keeping it from happening. In fact, so many times I'd prayed about it. Was it right to be with Caleb? And I never felt right about it. Something just wasn't there. It was probably him who wasn't there. After all, as far as I knew it was always one sided. My side. Not his.

But I highly doubted it. No. No way. I knew Caleb. He liked me, and I knew it. He wouldn't say it, but he didn't have to. I knew the times he's skype me in the middle of the night that he wanted to talk to me, and not someone else. I knew the guy. I knew him well.

I vented to Zach on the way home. This sudden obsession of Caleb took me off guard, but it didn't take Zach off guard.

"I KNOW he liked me! And now it's too late! Why the heck did he miss his chance?!" I fumed.

"Yeah I know he liked you. He should have asked you out." Zach replied.

The car might as well have stopped. Because my heart did.

"Wait. He DID?! I'm RIGHT?!"

"Yeah, he mentioned it to me last Spring. He told me how he had liked you a year ago, but didn't want to hurt you, or mess anything up since you guys had such a good friendship. He didn't trust himself, and didn't want to be weird with me since we were rooming together senior year."

"WHAT!!??!" I couldn't believe it. I can't believe I really did know Caleb well enough.

"I think he liked me when he got home from China, too." I told Zach. Basically challenging him with whatever information he had that I didn't.

"Yeah, he probably did."

OH MY GOSH. Zach dropped me off at my apartment, and I was still a little dizzy mentally. Caleb had liked me. I knew it. The little twerp.

Just then, my phone buzzed. A text. From Caleb.

"Shaina, I'm sorry I suck at keeping in touch with you, I'm a lousy friend. It doesn't reflect at all how much I value our friendship. I hope you're doing well."

OH MY GOSH what was happening. Zach must have said something. I was mad. I called Zach, but he said he hadn't talked to Caleb for days.

Caleb's text didn't make sense. We talked just fine. I didn't feel like he never kept in touch with me. We talked a good bit once a week or so. That was fine by me. We were after all, 1000 miles apart.

I didn't know what I wanted from Caleb. I guess I just liked when people owned up to how they felt. I respected the 5 guys (can you even believe that....) that confessed they'd had feelings for me over the summer from the spring before. Five different guys told me they had liked me a few months prior. Whatever was in the water at Greenville apparently was filtered out of Caleb's cup.

I respected the guys who valued me enough to be real with me. They respected me enough to tell me the truth, even when they knew I didn't feel the same.

Caleb never gave me the truth. But according to Zach, Caleb just didn't know what he wanted either, and was never sure enough. Never sure enough that he could protect me from getting hurt. Never sure enough that it was really right.

But you know... I wasn't sure either.

But I knew it was sprouting up in me again. This stupid little thing-for-Caleb that tortured me for years. Even 1000 miles away. Heck it would plague me when he was oceans away in China! What was wrong with me?

I had known clearly it just didn't feel right. So many times. It didn't happen. Something was missing. And I knew it was God's hand. God wasn't allowing it to happen. And I was just wishing I had a guy, probably.

But I was still overjoyed that a few weeks later in September, I'd be going to St. Louis with Zach for Jay and Alex's engagement party. With Caleb.

But I didn't tell Caleb. I figured I'd let Zach tell him. I couldn't seem too eager to see Caleb, after all.

Eighteen

Almost normal.

The next day I had an early keyboard ensemble rehearsal. Caleb texted me from Nashville and told me about his interview. I was feeling really confused by him. The spell had broken, hadn't it? But then he'd texted me all morning about his interview. Whatever.

Later that week, a bunch of us went out to Mario's for dinner. It was raining so hard, and we all piled into Zach and Caleb's apartment afterwards. It wasn't long before I had to go to teach swing dancing for the swing dancing group.

I showed Caleb a simple step, and asked him to come with me. I really begged. He was smiling, and I thought he was about to say yes.

He might as well have been nodding his head by the expression on his face.

"Uhmmmmm.... no thanks..."

I probably asked three more times before I left. Every time I thought he was going to give in and just come. I could clearly see he wanted to. What was the deal!? So. Confused.

He was so sweet all through dinner. Sat by me, and chatted with me. And then denied me. What was it with this guy? I shook it off and went to swing dancing, and didn't really consider it much afterwards.

Graduation was then within weeks.

I spoke at Vespers for the final Vespers of the year, my last Vespers as a student.

Caleb texted me afterwards, and said great job, and invited me up to the apartment to watch Tangled. I hadn't known he'd come back to school. He'd spent only a week in Greenville before going home before graduation since his study abroad ended earlier than the regular semester.

He texted me back saying he wouldn't have missed it.

Caleb was like a brother. It made me feel so good, and so valued that he came back to Greenville just because he knew I was speaking. It was precious to me that he came. I felt precious to him.

So one of my friends and I came up to the apartment. Caleb sat on the couch, as well as a bunch of other people. When I say apartment 310 was the hot spot, I mean it was thee place to be. Caleb offered his spot for me, but I said it was fine, and asked if it was ok to just lean on his legs on the floor. He said of course, and I was happy.

A few days later I woke up sick, and threw up. Zach told me later in the day that I could use his apartment to make soup for dinner. He was out, so he told me to ask Caleb to open the door for me. I called Caleb, and he offered to make it for me so I didn't have to leave my dorm. I told him I needed to get out and do something because I'd been in bed all day. He told me to meet him on Scott Field, because of all the end of the year festivities. I met him there, and we walked up to Tower (the apartments) and I made my soup.

While I was making it, he ran out real quick, and came back with gatorade and Vitamin water for me.

He was just so sweet.

But I was tired of being confused, and frustrated about his mixed signals. I was hanging out with one of my other guys friends quite a bit, and I decided I'd quit overanalyzing things, and just roll with it. Rumors were starting about me and this other guy, and I didn't stop them.

I'd been interested in Caleb. But he made me so frustrated. I was tired of constantly misreading him. Maybe we didn't get each other as well as I'd thought.

I was within his reach if he wanted to pursue me, but he didn't. He kept up with his "So happy to be single" stories, and I felt bad. He would flirt with me, and be so sweet, then smack me in the heart every time for thinking he was treating me different than everyone else. Of course no one ever spoke anything out loud. It was all between the lines. I just kept shrugging it off.

Graduation Day came, and both of our families united to celebrate.

That night a bunch of us went to the Spaghetti Factory. Caleb caught me on our way out and asked me if I liked my other friend. I wasn't really sure yet, but my hesitation gave Caleb enough assurance I probably did.

Ugh. Caleb was all happy for me again. Really?

I felt sad that he would come so close to pursuing me, let me "fall asleep" on his shoulder, and fall asleep leaning on my head, and then encourage me to fall in love with some other guy.

I figured I'd just let go of everything. If someone else pursued me, maybe I'd just roll with wherever that led. If Caleb wouldn't fight for me, I didn't want him. I loved him, but I wanted to be pursued. If he's just-like-that-take-a-step-away the instant he suspected he'd have competition, I didn't want to be the girl under his arm. I was disappointed, but shrugged it off.

And then, reality struck.

I was newly graduated. And I hadn't a clue what was going on.

Seventeen

As I finished Kirstie's hair and make up, hardly beginning on my own, Zach texted me that I had about 5 minutes before the gang was going to leave for the dance.

I didn't look good. I knew it. I didn't feel it. I tried, but the odds beat me, and I didn't feel very pretty.

I was wearing a bridesmaids dress I'd just worn for a wedding a few weeks before. Zach had suggested it. So maybe I did look ok.

I walked in Zach and Caleb's apartment, and found Caleb in blue and red like we'd planned.  He had been so cute showing me options, so I'd like what he wore. I felt  so uncertain though, because I still just couldn't tell if he wanted to go with me, or was just trying to be a gentleman. He was good at that. Maybe that's all this was. He didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I walked over to him, and gave him a hug. He told me I looked beautiful. I didn't feel beautiful, but I was kind of pleased he was playing the part of my date so sweetly. I told him he looked handsome.

We drove to the Jr Sr, and Caleb and I sat in the back with Joel, and Stephen drove with Zach in the front.

We sat down at our table, and then went outside for some pictures.

Through the night Caleb officially asked me to be his date, since he said he felt bad for not asking me first. Ohhh he played the gentleman card so well...

He and I weren't always side by side the whole night. It was comfortable, and fun.

He'd dance with his buddies, and I'd dance with mine. We were sitting at our table towards the end of the evening, chilling out. A slow song came on...

"Wanna dance?" He asked me.

"Awww! Yeah!" I played the sweetheart date card.

We danced, and we pretended to be super awkward.

"So... um... thanks for... uhhh... coming with me... it's been... so fun!"

We stepped on each other's feet, and goofed off.

I liked it. It was so natural, and so fun, and so cute.

We were the perfect height. I felt cute looking up at him, laughing and acting dorky. And he was pretty adorable...

The song ended, and we were free and danced with other people.

When we were leaving, we decided we'd all stop at Cold Stone and get some ice cream.

We still had a while to go before we got back to school on the drive.

In the back seat, we all started to chill out and nod off...

Caleb felt closer to me than he did on the ride there. No really... he was scooting closer. What was happening? Was I out of my mind? I was so squished against the door, I had no choice I tell you...

I leaned my head on his shoulder.

And he put his head on mine.

I pretended to sleep. My eyes were closed. Most of the time. The moon was my friend, containing its light just enough to create the purest, softest whispers of romantic light. But I swear we both heard them.

We'd hit a bump, and I'd pretend to jump like I had no control over the fact that we were cuddling like two snuggle bunnies.

Oh silly me! I'd fallen asleep! How did I end up on your shoulder?

Oh, I let it happen. I was fully conscious. And I was freaking out. What was happening!?

Did he know? Was he awake? We were friends... we'd spent the whole night goofing off and just enjoying being together. The slow dance was fun... it didn't mean anything... it couldn't have... nothing ever went anywhere with this kid, it was nutty. But he put his head back on mine... and again I let it happen. All the way home.

We got back to their apartment, and we all watched a movie. I was between Joel and Caleb.

Someone was rubbing my foot with his foot.

What the heck?! Whose foot was that!?

I couldn't concentrate. Caleb's hand was suddenly all too close to mine.

Oh my freaking gosh, what would I do if he grabbed my hand?

I couldn't concentrate on the movie...

Caleb announced he was going to bed. He had an interview. In Nashville. The next morning.

He went to bed. The spell was broken. Back to normal.

Sixteen

And get on with it I did. On skype. With Caleb. Sometimes several times a week. We couldn't video that easily, though we did try. Bad reception sometimes in all the random Asian cities he was in.

That Spring, Caleb became a friend I turned to, a friend I trusted, a friend I just loved talking to. Yeah we had some weird patches. But just like always, our friendship never budged.

I decided to start hanging out with some guy. I told Caleb about it, and he was so happy for me. He told me he thought it was really cool. This other guy ended up within weeks showing to be not worth any glances I'd tossed his way. I was shredded to pieces. I was embarrassed, and frustrated, and so confused. I didn't like talking about it, but I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't want to talk to anyone on campus, because I wanted to pretend I'd never been so stupid. It was an emotionally draining and manipulative relationship that didn't need to happen.

Caleb and I e-mailed back and forth about it. I vented, he listened. He gave me his two cents in return.

He poured out his own new discoveries to me as well. How much his heart was just healing so much. How much he was learning in China. About all his new friends. How he understands now why he was so wrong in past relationships. How the next girl he's on a real emotional level with would be his wife.

I didn't feel threatened by Caleb anymore. I trusted him. We were both in a place so sold out to being single and loving life, our Skype conversations were amazing.

I'd stay up till 3 am some nights just chatting with him.

My roommate loved it. Trina never gave up on her hope that Caleb and I would get together. We would look up that one picture of him and I hugging from New Years on the beach. How perfectly I fit next to him.

There were moments, of course, when I'd wonder if maybe, just maybe, Caleb was partial to me.

But I didn't doubt his clear words. He was loving being single.

But you know... I was, too.

One particularly overwhelming night, I came home from Without Ceasing (a 24 hour worship and prayer event on campus) and skyped Caleb for over an hour.

By the end of it I had asked Caleb to be my Jr Sr date when he came home from China. I explained how I wanted to go with someone but was in no mood to go with someone else and invite more drama into my already dramatic life. He agreed. Though I fretted about it for the few weeks following asking him.

Had I sunk to a new low? No... Caleb and I were friends. Such good friends. He knew I was asking him to avoid crap from other people. What if the last psycho asked me to go with him, and then I'd feel bad and not go with anyone? It was better to ask a guy friend. And the best part was that Caleb and I would go for free since we were seniors.

I was so excited to see him when he came back from China. It was May 2011, and I walked as fast as I could to go see him on Scott Field before I had Keyboard Ensemble practice. He got up from sitting with a few friends, and gave me a big hug.

Admittedly I'd been nervous. But again, as I walked away, I was relieved again. Like I'd been after seeing him at Back to School Bash. Like I'd been at his Going Away Party. The way I'd been at his last Improv Show.

Oh it was exhausting how many times I'd felt that mix of relief and disappointment.

But relief definitely outweighed.

Oh, but did that mean I'd made a mistake about asking him to be my date? Maybe he didn't care. We were better as friends, maybe we shouldn't pose as a pseudo couple.... We still had a week before Jr Sr... I was terrified it'd be awkward.

One night that week, Caleb and I were texting.

I'd made a light comment about the silly little "relationship" that had gone on earlier that Winter with that other guy.

"Shaina. What really happened."

He was the first person who really asked me. I didn't know what to say. I'd kept it all hushed. But for some reason I told him the things that guy had said to me. Just so degrading...

Caleb's reaction to my confession about the guy made me cry.

"Shaina no. No no no that is NOT how a gentleman acts. It's not. That's crap..." He had gone on.

My roommate had walked in while I was crying, reading Caleb's texts. That was the first time I unloaded that information...

The next day Caleb and I got together at the Union. I'd asked him if he told Zach about our conversation through texting the night before. He told me he did not, and that it's between Zach and I if I tell him.

I watched Caleb's eyes as we sat in there that afternoon. His hazel eyes looked so green. They were so nice... I liked looking at them. And he was wearing that grey shirt I loved so much.

But he seemed distant. Distracted. Like he wasn't really there, or like he was eager to get somewhere else.

Had I developed hope, again? I was suddenly interested in leaving the union sooner rather than later. What was it with him... why did I feel so safe, and happy talking and being with him? Maybe we weren't as good friends as I thought. He was probably more eager to fit in hanging out with more people before we were graduating a few weeks from then.

That Friday, we were going to the Jr Sr together. I got more and more nervous. Especially since every freaking time I was with him or talked to him, I felt a different way towards him.

Jr Sr was either going to be amazing, or the most awkward night in the world.

Fifteen

The next morning, Tuesday January 4th 2011, I limped to class. I was so slow I didn't know if I'd make it in time. The snow on the ground didn't help. My leg was wrapped up under my skinny jeans, and was hard to bend, even aside from the pain. 

Alisa Gunter was in her office in Snyder (the building my class was in), when I asked her why my class wasn't in the classroom. Apparently they'd changed the time. Since I was sick the day before, I'd missed the memo. 

Alisa asked how we all were, since she'd seen Caleb's posts on facebook about our wreck. I sat in her office and chatted with her until my class started a little later. No way was I gonna walk through the snow with that leg again. 

I'd sipped my gatorade trying so hard to get some hydration, though fearful of what it would do to my stomach. 

I spent that week of Interterm journaling. Not taking notes. I did that too... occasionally... but I just couldn't get my mind together. I'd keep flashing back. Flashing back to what, one might wondering... since I could only remember one moment. One moment. With Caleb. That's it. 

But I started to realize it just wasn't going to happen with Caleb. It clearly wasn't. In fact that girl he'd apparently been done with... her roommate was in the class with me, and told me she'd heard all about the wreck because of her roommate. I figured he wasn't really over her, like he professed to be. Whatever. 

I kept hoping Caleb would show up in my class. I was so excited, because he said he was going to sit in a time or two. I was so disappointed when he didn't. 

That Saturday, Zach and I were opening for a friend's show in St. Louis. I was so nervous, because Caleb was going to be there.  I was afraid I'd fall in love with him or something. Caleigh had been asking me if I'd fallen for him again after he "saved my life." But I told her I really didn't think so. 

Though I did get nervous. 

When I saw Caleb, it wasn't a big deal. In fact, I remember thinking I didn't like his haircut. It was too short. I loved his hair before. But he'd cut it because he was leaving for China for the study abroad program he was doing. 

Once I felt sure I wasn't crushing on Caleb, I relaxed. I sat with him and put my bum leg up until it was my turn to play with Zach. Caleb stayed next to me, and we'd joke back and forth. I sat by him while I waited for the song I sang guest vocals on with another band that night. 

Afterwards, Caleb and I had conspired for a little birthday celebration for Zach at Dave and Busters. A few of us went out and celebrated. We stayed at Caleb's house that night. Little did Caleb know we were throwing him a surprise farewell party the next day. We would be part of the distraction part until the party. 

I sat on that bed in the guest bedroom,  and honestly felt a little sad. Every stinkin' time there was the slightest spark between Caleb and I, it just puffed back into thin air. And I always felt foolish for it. 

That same night one of my good guy friends who'd been asking me out for months told me he'd gone out with some girl that night. I was glad he was getting a hint, but I felt bad that he gave up. I just wanted someone to stick to it. None of this spark and then "Just kidding!" stuff. 

Another good friend texted me that night. He'd also been pretty hard at pursuing me. But it felt good. He said one thing. And acted the same way. Consistent. 

I was tired. In a few ways. And Caleb was going to China. I was a fool. I always fell for the wrong guy. I went to bed that night a little defeated, but sure of my resolve. No Caleb. 

The next week before Caleb left for China was confusing. I went to the last Improv Show Caleb would be in before he left for China. I sat with his family. Caleb came up to me afterwards, and hugged me so tight. Oh, I loved that guy... but I was almost eager for him to go. Let me totally forget about him. I wouldn't feel guilty anymore if I allowed someone else to pursue me. Someone who could prove me wrong. Maybe I could fall for someone. Maybe someone different wouldn't break my heart. 

Before I left that night, Caleb found me one more time, and hugged me even tighter. A good goodbye hug. His hugs felt so good. I liked that he gave me attention when everyone else was crowding around him begging for it. 

Walking out that door from Ladue Auditorium was a relief. I could get on with life. Caleb could go to China, and I could get on with my life.