Jersey shores

I'm gonna tell you a secret. I'm listening to Baby by Justin Bieber. I actually love this song.

I'm a sucker for a catchy tune yo. I strive to write things like that... I don't care how corny it is. The right melody makes anything sound brilliant.

I just started reading Mosaic by Amy Grant. I just adore reading other people's stories. She wrote about how much she loved the ocean... and it made me absolutely homesick for the Jersey shore.

How I hate that people automatically think of that stupid tv show when they hear the words Jersey and Shore sounded together...

To be honest, all I want right now is to be on the sand in LBI, watching the moon reflect on the water, feeling the chilly salty wind that clears all my senses.

I suppose the cold would numb all my senses tonight.

So maybe what I want right now is June... or any warm weathered month. A beach chair. Sailboats out on the water to move slowly, and calmly through the water way out in front of me. I want the sand under my feet to swallow my painted toes, and I want the salt in the breeze to crystalize into a perfect looking glass in the air so that everything is beautiful. I want the wild and wonderful rush of the waves to curl me into them, and wash me and get my hair all sticky, all to dry in the fragrant wind.

I love the ocean.

I love watching it. Tasting it. Touching it.

It's bliss.

So I just wanted to write about it.

If I ever talk too much (which is often), the best way to shut me up is to take me to the ocean. Preferably the Jersey shores. They're just better than any other ones. Nothing can hush me so softly, so powerfully, so beautifully.

I miss it.

If I were home, I'd go there tonight. I don't care how cold it is. I'd go tonight. I wish I could.

All I got is corn fields here.

Corn is great. But I miss my shore.

Diva

Number of naps today? Actually, zero. But! Before you think I'm not a diva anymore... it's only 10:30pm, and I'm about to go to bed. That is all I wanted to say.

Thank you and good night.

Naps. The agenda of champions.

I am about to take my 3rd nap of the day. Am I feeling alright? Uhm, yeah I am. But not everyone else is. The weather here has been horrific. Wonderful then horrible, then whatever. Then rainy, then sunny. It's just a joke right now. Not good for people trying to have a voice for a senior recital this Saturday. Holy cow, it's THIS SATURDAY!!

I just have to say all the people involved in this gig are just ridiculously amazing. How blessed I am to have each of them could never be spoken with words. I adore them all. They are completely and utterly fabulous in every way.

And now, to bed. Again! What a wonderful world.

Kaleidoscope

"It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." - 1 Corinthians 13:5

This past week would definitely go under the "rather difficult" category. It was by no means a week of ease. But God has really shaken me up and moved in my heart powerfully... sometimes I marvel at how God gets through to me. I have to say I'm not exactly humored at what it took to get to me about some truths I didn't quite grasp before... but I guess God is still pretty darn beyond me. So I'll just thank Him for speaking to me anyway.

So when I've considered this passage in 1 Corinthians before, I usually render the "keeps no record of wrongs" thing towards the people around me. I'd think about how someone's past doesn't deem their present, or their futures.

This week I believe God spoke to me. I think He pinned me down against my own walls and said to me, "Shaina Joy. If you are filled with me, then you are filled with Love. And if you are filled with Love, then you cannot keep record of wrongs. Including your own."

Hm. Wow. Talk about a punch in the gut.

I like to make sense of things. That can be a wonderful and wise character trait in someone. But I think I finally see how it can be a problem. Because sometimes I take every mistake I've made, or every mistake someone else has made towards me (yeah selfish, but I have a good memory sometimes to my detriment), and craft the pieces together. But what I'm really doing is making a kaleidoscope of every pain and hurt I've experienced, and seeing only them.

The dictionary definition is this:

kaleidoscope |kəˈlīdəˌskōp|
noun
a toy consisting of a tube containing mirrors and pieces of colored glass or paper, whose reflections produce changing patterns that are visible through an eyehole when the tube is rotated.

So. I suppose you could say I enjoy making kaleidoscopes out of the broken glass from a broken heart, and broken expectations, and broken trusts, and broken understanding, and tack them into a construction where their reflections collide and rotate over and over, reflecting each other, and only intensifying their impact through being grouped side by side. A kaleidoscope.

But it's a toy. It's not a tool. In no way is it a tool. And yet, that's what I try to use it as.

Whatever I deem as "wrong" in my life, the things I do, or the things others do that affect me, those are pieces of glass that I have the option of collecting and attaching into my hand-crafted kaleidoscope.

And because I'm proud of it, proud of the work of my hands, I use it a lot.

I try to use it as a helpful tool. I try to use it as a telescope to see what lies in front of me. I try to use it as a microscope, to see things more closely.

But it's a toy.



And so that's where I am. My Kaleidoscope before me, all my years of work... it's time to discard it.

Instead, each piece of broken glass, from every broken heart, every broken promise, every broken piece.... each could be lined along the path that leads me right back to God. Behind me. Leading me to God. Behind me. Not anywhere else.

And so Love keeps no record of wrongs. When we're filled with Love, whatever we call "wrong," should not carry any adhesive whatsoever. None.

So I feel like I've taken a hammer to my kaleidoscope, and smashed the pieces of brokenness open so that they reflect the light and not each other.

Ephesians 5:13 says "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible," and how true it is.

So smash open your kaleidoscopes, and stop collecting the broken pieces. Expose them in the Light of the Father, keep no record of them, and be filled with Love.

Fab fab fab

Tonight was just ultra fab. Blakeley, Em and I went into St. Louis and just chilled out, bought some Froyo, drank some starbucks, and just had an awesome time. I love just hanging with my girlfriends. It's so relaxing, and wonderful. And I just love life with such wonderful people. People who know I'm a dork, and make mistakes and think stupid things sometimes. People I know have done silly things, and made difficult decisions before, and who are probably just as messed up as anyone else. It's beautiful. Just being with people. I love people.

It was also a lovely evening. The moon was so big I felt like it could swallow me. I wouldn't have minded. I wonder what the stomach of the moon would feel like. Probably chai tea. With a good puff of whip cream on top. I'd think so.

I wore my blue heels tonight. As soon as I got out of the parking lot on The Loop, I took them off and wore flats. Yes, heels, boots... cute shoes... my girly weakness. I do not profess to be uninfected. I am indeed. But I also like to be comfortable.

My Senior Recital is in 8 days! Fab. I'm super excited. I admit I am nervous, and hope it all comes together... some loose ends to be clipped and tied back together. But I am beyond excited. This time next week, my mom, dad, 5 sisters, and not just Zach but my little brother Nate will be in Greenville, along with my best friend Bi, and my Uncle Phil and Aunt Barb. A lot of Williamses in tony little Greenvile:) It's gonna be awesome:)

I can't wait to wear my dresses, and my boots for the recital. I actually did put a good deal of thought into what I'm wearing. I have more shopping to do for the whole ordeal... rose pedals and candles for the stage... ribbon for the first few aisles... it's gonna be pretty:)

I do believe I will be going to bed soon. I was invited to do Pokies tonight... a restaurant like 15 minutes away. I should go. Live a little. But. I think I should probably sleep... choir all day tomorrow, and then super early day Sunday for choir again... then the week of my recital... you'd think I'm a whimp. But I like to believe I'm just simply taking care of my voice. I'm really excited for my recital... I actually get to sing all these different songs, of completely different genres all in the same hour...ish. I can't go and sing an Italian song for special music at church. Nor can I randomly sing Because of You by Kelly Clarkson for Vespers. It just don't work that way darlin! So I'm excited.

Peace be to you, dear world. I hope your evening under that huge, gorgeous, bright silver moon gives you rest and sweet dreams in slumber.

:)

My brother designed my posters for my sr recital. I like them, so I decided to post the thing here too.

Oh Mr. Sun, sun Mr. golden sun

I cannot help but be extremely happy even when I'm entirely exhausted when it is as gorgeous as it is outside. Even my aching head from lack of sleep feels like it's pulsing to a rhythm of ecstasy in the warm sunlight.

If you can't tell, I just like it when I'm not freezing my behind off.

And this, I thought, was most worthy of a blog.

That is all.

My soul

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot
Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.


The song of my heart tonight.

Jury is done!

I passed my Senior Recital Jury!

Ahhhhh and the loads and loads of nervous tension begin to unwind... what a lovely moment.

This is not to say life is slowing down. It shall be on the fast track until the recital is over. Then after that is the race to spring break. Then after Spring break is the race to Laura's wedding! Then... we don't like to talk about that yet. Not yet.

I have seemingly no energy whatsoever for anything other than music. If it's not about my recital, I hardly even care. I go to class. I take notes. But I am in no way ready to attack the homework that will (I tell myself this... the achiever in me cannot die...)get done within the next few days.

I cannot express how excited I am for sleeping in tomorrow morning. I haven't done that in what feels like weeks. I guess that's the truth. It's been a while.

So now, I will ready myself for more singing... Chamber Singers rehearsal. Another thing to sing for. I'm tired. But I'll do it. Haha, I am so dramatic sometimes. I know it. Then Andrew Hall's Sr. Recital dress rehearsal tonight. Then! Whatever the heck I want to do, I'll do.

How I wish I had a piano in my room. That's what I want. I want to play. But I think I'll sleep. Or something like that.

The Jury is done! And passed! And so I am happy.

Servant

My my my. How can this be? I've hardly written in the past 2-3 weeks. To say the least, I've had too much to say, and then in other times, nothing at all. In my crazy head, that is substantial.

Things are changing in my life. I can't exactly blog about it all. But in time maybe.

Tomorrow is my Senior Recital Jury. How many times have I blogged about my senior recital? A great many times I am sure. Soon it will all transpire. For this I am excited. It's just so much work... I'm excited for the actual real recital. The jury just makes my skin crawl. I don't exactly like juries. Not when there's a lot of pressure. And this one has a lot of pressure in my opinion.

I just got my second paper cut in less than 24 hours. What is the deal.

I'm rambling, but I don't care.

I keep thinking about the word servant. Servanthood. In my Orientation to Ministry class, we've been discussing the difference between a slave and a servant. How we are called to be servants. How living a life in ministry is a life if servanthood. Not power. Not authority. Not primarily anyway... obviously being in a leadership position holds some authority. But it is a life of servanthood.

It makes me think of romantic relationships too. A friend and I were talking about how easy it is to think of that future relationship with a husband... and think how great it will be for us. How happy we think we'll be. How excited for that time in our lives we are. But that is sort of a selfish way to view things in a way. Of course God wired us a specific way with dreams and desires. But He calls us to be a servant, just as Jesus came into the world to be a servant. He came into the world to be a servant. To serve us.

I suppose relationships are always on my mind. I'm one of "those" girls who has always been excited for the man God will "give" me someday.

But I think my perspective is changing a bit.

Someday I believe God will "give" me a dude... that I am to serve, and be a servant to. Just as that dude is to me.

I think I'm learning basically to imitate God in every area. How can I imitate God within a guy-girl relationship? Naturally, all too naturally I think, people think right to sex and the union of a man and woman being symbolic of the union of God with man in spirit.

I just think it's profound that Jesus said He came as a servant.

That's sort of crazy to me... now that it's getting settled inside me. Tis all for now.