While we were at that Burger King, Caleb ordered a ton of food. I still wasn't very hungry, but I definitely didn't feel sick anymore. Adrenaline ran through my blood as if chasing away the nausea I'd felt.
I sat with my leg up, because it was already starting to swell. A family friend from close by stopped in to check in on us, making sure we were all alright. Bennet (another Greenville buddy) also stopped in because he lived nearby.
As we waited for Trina to pick us up, we all traded places and sat with each other. We were still pretty shaken up. The accident was clearly exactly that-- an accident. But it was kind of devastating to remember it all happening.
I sat by Caleb in one of his plaid shirts. He asked how my knee was, and I asked how his knee was, because he had trouble with it prior to the accident. I put my hand on his knee as I asked him. I knew I was touching him. Something made me feel like what we'd all just been through made it completely normal. Yet something in me also knew I wouldn't normally do that. He told me how his back and shoulders were sore. Zach and Stephen were seated across from us. I put my hand on Caleb's shoulders and rubbed them as he told me they felt tense.
Nice, Shai.
When we finally reached the Love's Gas Station in Greenville, Caleb's parents met us there to take the guys home. They check on all of us and made sure the rest of us were alright. Everyone exchanged hugs, and we parted ways. Trina and Zach helped me get all of my things up the stairs to Tenny. We were all starting classes the next day. Caleb was getting ready to go to China for the semester, so he wasn't there. But the rest of us were trying to sort ourselves back into having a schedule.
I couldn't climb up my loft bed, so Trina helped me put the mattress on the floor for me. What a tired, painful sleep. I couldn't lay on my left side because of my wrist. I couldn't lay on my right side because of my leg. My neck and head hurt. But oh my word... we were all ok.
The next morning, I opened my eyes. I ached. I could hardly move. I felt terrible. But no. One "terrible" wasn't from the wreck. Oh no... It was stirring. And I only had a matter of moments to get to the bathroom as soon as possible before getting sick all over my bed. I crawled out of bed, and painfully got to the bathroom in time.
Vomit.
Once again... Nice.
It was vicious. There was nothing in me. I had hardly eaten anything in days to defend myself against this treacherous moment. And yet I had fallen. Woe to me.
And woe to Caleb. He had woken up close to the same time vomiting as well. Us poor, poor souls.
As I lay in bed all day, missing my first day of class and occasionally getting sick, hardly able to move, Caleb texted me. He told me he heard I'd gotten sick too, and that he hoped I was feeling alright. We texted back and forth only a few times.
That night, while the lights were off, and Trina lay sleeping in her loft above me, tears sprang to my eyes. Caleb texted me, and we recounted everything. I didn't remember anything but one moment. My eyes had been closed. But his had been opened. I didn't know how I had ended up in his arms. No recollection. I didn't even know that it had been Zach to help us get out of the car. No memory. Caleb told me what happened. I felt like no one else could understand the confusion I felt. Or understand my ache about how if he hadn't held me so tight, I could have gone through the windshield, or gotten so, so hurt. His reply had been,
"It was totally God, Shaina. I'm glad you are safe."
I remember that moment being the first time the numbness of the situation started to go away. With no strength left in my body thanks to that stupid relentless stomach flu, I finally drifted off.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Thirteen
We pulled into a CVS, and Zach went in. It was a while before he came out. Caleb and I sat in his car while Mike and Maggie were in and out of sleep behind us. Caleb took out his computer and he and I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother. I watched, but then curled up in the passenger seat and attempted a very uncomfortable sleep.
I started battling my fear of getting sick again. You see, I had been fighting it for days already. And one by one, we were all going down. My whole family had gotten it. Mike had beaten it, Stephen was feeling better, and Zach was under.
Caleb kept saying he was feeling fine. Maggie was fine, and Mark was still on antibiotics for his wisdom teeth which had just been taken out. He was fine. But me... I was fearful.
Understand that this sickness was not just the mouth if you see where I'm getting at. That's all I want to explain.
I started saying to Caleb that if I were going down next, I'd get sick with all my might and take one for the team. I was braced. I was ready. The trip was already absolutely terrible. If it was going to get worse, we'd just agree right then we were going to endure it as champions.
Zach came out of CVS looking terrible, and Stephen took the wheel so Zach could try to sleep. Although he protested that as soon as he let his guard down, he'd almost get sick.
Slip out of consciousness, relax... sick. Fighting it was a wakeful war.
We all banded together and got back on the road. It was about 8am, and we had quite a while to go yet.
Caleb drove a while longer before we were going to switch to the backseat. We stopped at a gas station and everyone got out for the bathroom. We'd each look at each other as we came out, expecting an update on who was sick.
I wasn't feeling good. I just wanted to get to school. I didn't care if I got sick when I could have a bed and civilization. It's amazing the perspective you attain when you experience such misery.
Caleb and I got in the backseat, and piled up a bunch of pillows between us. We had a blanket, and we started to close our eyes as Mike took the wheel.
We stopped at another gas station a little while later, and a few people got food. I didn't want to risk it. I announced as we were pulling out of the gas station that I felt a little nauseous. I took off my seat belt, because it was pressing on my frustrated stomach, and lay on the pillows between Caleb and I.
As I lay there, my head close to Caleb's hand, I let myself wonder sleepily how it would feel if he put his hand on my head, or touched my hand on the pillow by his knee. I felt so close to him after already spending about 14 hours talking nonstop. I felt like I knew him. I felt like he knew me. I felt safe, and comfortable. I liked the whisper-soft haze of falling asleep and quietly waking up long enough to remember I was next to him, and we were still driving, and I was not sick.
My eyes were closed. Caleb's head leaning against the window. Mike and Maggie were in the front. It was afternoon, and we were only a few hours away from school.
A moment of calm. I slowly faded into the hush of the pillows, and quiet exhaustion.
And then, we hit.
The next instant, the only instant I remember at all...
Caleb had me. I clung to him so tightly I hardly moved. We hit again. And again, this time harder. Caleb clutched me, and I whispered into Caleb's shirt "Oh my gosh... oh my gosh..."
There was no sound. My eyes were closed. It was slow. I waited. Not sure if we would stop. Maybe we wouldn't.
Like eyes before they blink, content about what blackout was about to happen...
Before I knew what happened, I was outside, walking far away, down on the shoulder. No one followed me, and I didn't know where I was going. I ran back and grabbed my phone out of the back seat as Zach yelled at me to get away from the car leaking fluid.
I grabbed my phone anyway, and walked away again. I saw other people on their phones, and I called my parents. That's what I was supposed to do, right? I told them we were in a car accident. They asked me questions, panicked, but I didn't know what happened. I was sleeping, right? My head hurt, and I wasn't making sense. I hung up with dad after telling him I was ok, and I'd call him back.
I was so confused. What happened? Why did my knee hurt? Why were my jeans ripped, and why was my knee bleeding? Why was my wrist sore, and where was everyone else?
I realized I'd wandered off, and everyone was around the red car, smashed at the side of the road. Zach's car was on the other side of I-70, and everyone was gathered around.
Zach came over and hugged me... other people did too...
Zach was on the phone, and Caleb was on the phone. Traffic stopped, and Mark helped me sit on on the side rail. It hurt to bend my knee. We all asked each other if we were ok. Zach was off the phone and came over to me, and ripped my jeans more around the knee to tend to my bloody knee. Caleb came over and touched my knee, and walked back over as police and more people stopped asking if we needed help.
Maggie came over crying, and then it hit me. I hadn't had my seatbelt on.
We were going 77 mph on a highway. We hit the rail several times. And I didn't have my seatbelt on.
I started bawling. No one was really listening in the chaos. I told Mark I didn't have my seatbelt on. If Caleb didn't shield me like he did... oh my gosh... oh my gosh...
We walked over to the police and we all said no one was hurt enough to need an ambulance. Stephen put a blue blanket over me, and we all rode to a Burger King in the police car with Zach Mark and Stephen behind us, before Trina (my roommate) came to pick us up and take us to Greenville.
I started battling my fear of getting sick again. You see, I had been fighting it for days already. And one by one, we were all going down. My whole family had gotten it. Mike had beaten it, Stephen was feeling better, and Zach was under.
Caleb kept saying he was feeling fine. Maggie was fine, and Mark was still on antibiotics for his wisdom teeth which had just been taken out. He was fine. But me... I was fearful.
Understand that this sickness was not just the mouth if you see where I'm getting at. That's all I want to explain.
I started saying to Caleb that if I were going down next, I'd get sick with all my might and take one for the team. I was braced. I was ready. The trip was already absolutely terrible. If it was going to get worse, we'd just agree right then we were going to endure it as champions.
Zach came out of CVS looking terrible, and Stephen took the wheel so Zach could try to sleep. Although he protested that as soon as he let his guard down, he'd almost get sick.
Slip out of consciousness, relax... sick. Fighting it was a wakeful war.
We all banded together and got back on the road. It was about 8am, and we had quite a while to go yet.
Caleb drove a while longer before we were going to switch to the backseat. We stopped at a gas station and everyone got out for the bathroom. We'd each look at each other as we came out, expecting an update on who was sick.
I wasn't feeling good. I just wanted to get to school. I didn't care if I got sick when I could have a bed and civilization. It's amazing the perspective you attain when you experience such misery.
Caleb and I got in the backseat, and piled up a bunch of pillows between us. We had a blanket, and we started to close our eyes as Mike took the wheel.
We stopped at another gas station a little while later, and a few people got food. I didn't want to risk it. I announced as we were pulling out of the gas station that I felt a little nauseous. I took off my seat belt, because it was pressing on my frustrated stomach, and lay on the pillows between Caleb and I.
As I lay there, my head close to Caleb's hand, I let myself wonder sleepily how it would feel if he put his hand on my head, or touched my hand on the pillow by his knee. I felt so close to him after already spending about 14 hours talking nonstop. I felt like I knew him. I felt like he knew me. I felt safe, and comfortable. I liked the whisper-soft haze of falling asleep and quietly waking up long enough to remember I was next to him, and we were still driving, and I was not sick.
My eyes were closed. Caleb's head leaning against the window. Mike and Maggie were in the front. It was afternoon, and we were only a few hours away from school.
A moment of calm. I slowly faded into the hush of the pillows, and quiet exhaustion.
And then, we hit.
The next instant, the only instant I remember at all...
Caleb had me. I clung to him so tightly I hardly moved. We hit again. And again, this time harder. Caleb clutched me, and I whispered into Caleb's shirt "Oh my gosh... oh my gosh..."
There was no sound. My eyes were closed. It was slow. I waited. Not sure if we would stop. Maybe we wouldn't.
Like eyes before they blink, content about what blackout was about to happen...
Before I knew what happened, I was outside, walking far away, down on the shoulder. No one followed me, and I didn't know where I was going. I ran back and grabbed my phone out of the back seat as Zach yelled at me to get away from the car leaking fluid.
I grabbed my phone anyway, and walked away again. I saw other people on their phones, and I called my parents. That's what I was supposed to do, right? I told them we were in a car accident. They asked me questions, panicked, but I didn't know what happened. I was sleeping, right? My head hurt, and I wasn't making sense. I hung up with dad after telling him I was ok, and I'd call him back.
I was so confused. What happened? Why did my knee hurt? Why were my jeans ripped, and why was my knee bleeding? Why was my wrist sore, and where was everyone else?
I realized I'd wandered off, and everyone was around the red car, smashed at the side of the road. Zach's car was on the other side of I-70, and everyone was gathered around.
Zach came over and hugged me... other people did too...
Zach was on the phone, and Caleb was on the phone. Traffic stopped, and Mark helped me sit on on the side rail. It hurt to bend my knee. We all asked each other if we were ok. Zach was off the phone and came over to me, and ripped my jeans more around the knee to tend to my bloody knee. Caleb came over and touched my knee, and walked back over as police and more people stopped asking if we needed help.
Maggie came over crying, and then it hit me. I hadn't had my seatbelt on.
We were going 77 mph on a highway. We hit the rail several times. And I didn't have my seatbelt on.
I started bawling. No one was really listening in the chaos. I told Mark I didn't have my seatbelt on. If Caleb didn't shield me like he did... oh my gosh... oh my gosh...
We walked over to the police and we all said no one was hurt enough to need an ambulance. Stephen put a blue blanket over me, and we all rode to a Burger King in the police car with Zach Mark and Stephen behind us, before Trina (my roommate) came to pick us up and take us to Greenville.
Explanation
So... when I started telling stories of the stories of Caleb and Shaina... I wasn't planning on making it so long, and drawn out.
But something I've found... it's making me enjoy this season of life more.
If anyone has ever read my blog even once, it's clear that I am a reflective person.
Maybe one of my top of strengths (shout out to Greenville College) has become context. I appreciate the present so much more deeply when I truly experience the context.
So I'm going to continue. Because I like remembering. And there's no better time to remember than right now. And if I can record it all now, I'll remember it forever.
So. I will carry on then.
But something I've found... it's making me enjoy this season of life more.
If anyone has ever read my blog even once, it's clear that I am a reflective person.
Maybe one of my top of strengths (shout out to Greenville College) has become context. I appreciate the present so much more deeply when I truly experience the context.
So I'm going to continue. Because I like remembering. And there's no better time to remember than right now. And if I can record it all now, I'll remember it forever.
So. I will carry on then.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Twelve
The next day was New Years Day 2011. It was a Saturday, and Mike wasn't feeling well. I was thinking by that point, that I'd overcome whatever it was that tried to get me sick, too. It had been days and I'd been victorious over the flu.
We all laid around tired and lazy that day, but decided to go down the shore. We all piled into our 15-passenger van, and drove down to LBI. Snow on the beach is such a crazy thing.
We took tons of pictures, and I was standing close to Caleb in one. I decided as Caleigh was clicking the button, I'd wrap my arms around Caleb.
I realized I probably didn't need to do that... but we were all so hyper and excited and happy. Beach at night, people. One New Years Day. With snow on the sand. Come on.
The trend continued, and Caleb and I were close by each other quite often.
We went to Applebees that night on the way home, and finally made it back.
We loaded the pictures onto the computer. I was close by Caleb when he clicked on the one where I hugged him tight. He stared at it. I watched him, though he didn't notice. He stared longer than I thought necessary. For a second I was embarrassed. But he clicked the next one, and the moment passed.
We were all so wired. I'm not sure whose idea it was, but we eventually decided to drive back to Greenville that night.
Stephen wasn't feeling that great, but he said he thought he could manage the ride.
I was exhausted. I honestly felt like I could fall asleep at any given moment. Drive back that night? That sounded long. I was sitting on the steps as Caleb announced his brilliant idea.
"We should each take a buddy in each car to keep us awake. I'll take Shaina with me to keep me awake, since she's not too tired. Mike will have Maggie. Zach have Mark and Stephen, since Stephen can drive stick too if Zach gets tired. "
I was so tired. But when Caleb professed me to be wide awake, I was instantly ready to go. I was not wide awake. But I could pinch myself enough. I was kind of excited to go with Caleb. A 15-hour drive with Caleb? I'd love to.
We piled into our assigned (destined) vehicles, and began. Caleb and I chit chatted nonstop. We were into a conversation like we'd known each other for our whole lives what seemed like instantly.
About 45-minutes into the drive, Zach swerved unexpectedly. Caleb and I looked at each other and started to pull over behind Zach, but he got back on the road and pulled into the rest area.
Stephen had thrown up. Everywhere.
We all got out and grabbed napkins and helped clean everything up. Zach and I looked at each other silently. We knew we were in for it.
Zach confided he didn't feel that great either. But we figured it was probably due to Knives (Stephen) getting sick all over the back of the car. That would make anyone feel sick.
We got big cups for each car just in case any of that should happen again. Knives changed his clothes, and we all piled back in the car, and drove. It was now a matter of simply getting to Greenville as soon as possible. Just keep driving. We should make good timing driving at night with no traffic.
The night continued. Caleb and I talked the entire night. We talked about past relationships, things we'd learned, people that we fell in love with...
There was a moment I was so close to telling him I had liked him last Spring. Instead I said, "You were such a good friend to me last Spring. It was really awesome, and helped me a lot."
Nice save, Shai.
Caleb never mentioned the spark we had going Spring of 2010 either. So I just left it. I don't know what kept me from mentioning anything, even in a light hearted tone. I wouldn't have gotten serious about it. No way.
We also had an audience in the back seat. Mike and Maggie were supposedly asleep. But the information Caleb and I were exchanging was golden. I doubted they were actually asleep the whole time.
I told Caleb I didn't even know he and his past interest were over. Good. I mentioned out loud that I didn't know but that Zach had only just recently filled me in. So he couldn't judge my sudden friendliness as insensitive. He told me his story, and I exchanged my recent story.
We were both so broken hearted. But I admit it might have been hard to tell by the easy way we talked to each other. I was still a girl. He was still a guy.
I was loving it. I was so glad I was with him. I got to know him so much more those hours in the car as he drove. It was our job to talk, though. We HAD to. Right? It's not like he wanted me in the car. I was just wide awake, and he needed someone to keep him up. Obviously. It's not like we were just doing it to have fun. It was business. Clearly.
One of my guy friends texted me late that night.
"Why don't you guys date?"
This was another guy. Not the one Caleb already suggested I date.
Ohhhhh confuse me... why was Caleb so intent on setting me up? Couldn't he see I was very comfortable with him? Didn't he see I gave him more attention than I did any of the other single guys? Zach knew how to pick attractive guys as friends. I was with Caleb all the time... couldn't he see that?
I explained why I would not be dating that particular friend.
We continued on into the drive, and our conversations lengthened into why I wouldn't date either gentleman he had questioned my feelings for. He told me more about past girls he'd been interested in.
We continued on into the night, until morning. When Zach got sick.
We all laid around tired and lazy that day, but decided to go down the shore. We all piled into our 15-passenger van, and drove down to LBI. Snow on the beach is such a crazy thing.
We took tons of pictures, and I was standing close to Caleb in one. I decided as Caleigh was clicking the button, I'd wrap my arms around Caleb.
I realized I probably didn't need to do that... but we were all so hyper and excited and happy. Beach at night, people. One New Years Day. With snow on the sand. Come on.
The trend continued, and Caleb and I were close by each other quite often.
We went to Applebees that night on the way home, and finally made it back.
We loaded the pictures onto the computer. I was close by Caleb when he clicked on the one where I hugged him tight. He stared at it. I watched him, though he didn't notice. He stared longer than I thought necessary. For a second I was embarrassed. But he clicked the next one, and the moment passed.
We were all so wired. I'm not sure whose idea it was, but we eventually decided to drive back to Greenville that night.
Stephen wasn't feeling that great, but he said he thought he could manage the ride.
I was exhausted. I honestly felt like I could fall asleep at any given moment. Drive back that night? That sounded long. I was sitting on the steps as Caleb announced his brilliant idea.
"We should each take a buddy in each car to keep us awake. I'll take Shaina with me to keep me awake, since she's not too tired. Mike will have Maggie. Zach have Mark and Stephen, since Stephen can drive stick too if Zach gets tired. "
I was so tired. But when Caleb professed me to be wide awake, I was instantly ready to go. I was not wide awake. But I could pinch myself enough. I was kind of excited to go with Caleb. A 15-hour drive with Caleb? I'd love to.
We piled into our assigned (destined) vehicles, and began. Caleb and I chit chatted nonstop. We were into a conversation like we'd known each other for our whole lives what seemed like instantly.
About 45-minutes into the drive, Zach swerved unexpectedly. Caleb and I looked at each other and started to pull over behind Zach, but he got back on the road and pulled into the rest area.
Stephen had thrown up. Everywhere.
We all got out and grabbed napkins and helped clean everything up. Zach and I looked at each other silently. We knew we were in for it.
Zach confided he didn't feel that great either. But we figured it was probably due to Knives (Stephen) getting sick all over the back of the car. That would make anyone feel sick.
We got big cups for each car just in case any of that should happen again. Knives changed his clothes, and we all piled back in the car, and drove. It was now a matter of simply getting to Greenville as soon as possible. Just keep driving. We should make good timing driving at night with no traffic.
The night continued. Caleb and I talked the entire night. We talked about past relationships, things we'd learned, people that we fell in love with...
There was a moment I was so close to telling him I had liked him last Spring. Instead I said, "You were such a good friend to me last Spring. It was really awesome, and helped me a lot."
Nice save, Shai.
Caleb never mentioned the spark we had going Spring of 2010 either. So I just left it. I don't know what kept me from mentioning anything, even in a light hearted tone. I wouldn't have gotten serious about it. No way.
We also had an audience in the back seat. Mike and Maggie were supposedly asleep. But the information Caleb and I were exchanging was golden. I doubted they were actually asleep the whole time.
I told Caleb I didn't even know he and his past interest were over. Good. I mentioned out loud that I didn't know but that Zach had only just recently filled me in. So he couldn't judge my sudden friendliness as insensitive. He told me his story, and I exchanged my recent story.
We were both so broken hearted. But I admit it might have been hard to tell by the easy way we talked to each other. I was still a girl. He was still a guy.
I was loving it. I was so glad I was with him. I got to know him so much more those hours in the car as he drove. It was our job to talk, though. We HAD to. Right? It's not like he wanted me in the car. I was just wide awake, and he needed someone to keep him up. Obviously. It's not like we were just doing it to have fun. It was business. Clearly.
One of my guy friends texted me late that night.
"Why don't you guys date?"
This was another guy. Not the one Caleb already suggested I date.
Ohhhhh confuse me... why was Caleb so intent on setting me up? Couldn't he see I was very comfortable with him? Didn't he see I gave him more attention than I did any of the other single guys? Zach knew how to pick attractive guys as friends. I was with Caleb all the time... couldn't he see that?
I explained why I would not be dating that particular friend.
We continued on into the drive, and our conversations lengthened into why I wouldn't date either gentleman he had questioned my feelings for. He told me more about past girls he'd been interested in.
We continued on into the night, until morning. When Zach got sick.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Eleven
That Fall Semester of 2010 ended, and Zach and I went home for only a few weeks before New Years and the start of Interterm 2011.
For New Years (Saturday), Caleb, Mike (Caleb's brother), Maggie (Mike's gf), Mark, and Stephen drove over to spend a few days in Philly and NYC in the square for New Years Eve.
They came in on a Wednesday. I went downstairs to greet them all, and hardly thought a thing about Caleb. I went over to give him a hello hug, and I thought to myself that he gives good hugs. He looked cute, too. I liked his hair. He was so nice to everyone, and so sweet when he met my family. I liked that, but the thought slipped right out of my mind.
Just about the entire family was sick in the downstairs area with a vicious stomach flu. Zach and I were safe, and contemplating how we were going to stay uninfected. We all decided to risk it and stayed at the family's house regardless.
Everyone had gone out and got Vitamin C and immune system booster drinks. We toasted to staying healthy. We ate vitamins and drank Airborne. It was a good time.
We went to Philly that Thursday. Train ride. We met up with some of my friends, including Bi and her boyfriend Jeremy. Recall how I used to text Jeremy about my Caleb Crush that previous May.
I noticed Caleb would plant himself around me, or so it seemed. I didn't mind it. I was at a place in my heart where I had completely given up my grasp on what I was so reluctant to give up on even just weeks before. That guy I was so hung up over. I finally cut the cord on that line. I wasn't exactly what one would called "healed," but I was better than I was that day in Zach and Caleb's apartment.
Jeremy whispered to me while we all gathered around a table in Starbucks on South and Fourth in the city.
"He likes you," Jere told me.
"I don't think so... he has a girl."
Right about then, Zach informed me whatever was going on with Caleb and someone else, was no longer in action.
Oh?
In that moment, I decided I didn't mind Caleb hanging around me so much. I lightened up inside. I was noticing him more and more, and was becoming a bit self conscious. If he was interested in that girl still, I didn't want to flirt on accident or something... awkward. I respected Caleb. I was happy for him.
But I had no idea he was single again.
Caleb walked into Starbucks, and sat down right next to me. Jeremy caught my eye as he gave a slight nod towards Caleb as if to say, "See? I'm right." I rolled my eyes to argue, "False."
Though I did ponder.
Through this whole time in Philly, I hardly ate, or drank. I was feeling a little bit nauseous. It scared me. There's no way I'd allow myself to miss the New Years in NYC, which I'd never done before. I actually didn't want to go really, but knew I had to experience it anyway. I'd regret it. I lived to close to never experience NYC on New Years. And maybe I wanted to be around everyone...
The next day, Friday, was New Years Eve. I was still feeling a little weak in the stomach, but went anyway. My stomach was acting funny, but I held my own. I let myself fall in step with Caleb a few times. I'd laugh when he talked to me, and smile when we looked at me. Why not. He was my friend. I loved him like he was a brother. We'd seen each other through tough times, and we never got awkward even though we had a weird patch. When we flirted/studied in the library. But that had passed, and we moved on. But the small part of me that had a soft spot for Caleb grew just slightly, simply knowing that slate was clean for both of us.
That Friday night, I was dying. I was so tired, and sort of hated the standing for 12 hours part. Mark was having a great time dancing with the Asians, and I admit the dance party with people from all over the world in the middle of the crowds of peole was entertaining, and a good way to stay warm and keep from getting too stiff. I started enjoying myself a little bit more when Caleb started looking at me more, and smiling at me... he would pull my jacket when he walked through the overwhelming crowds of people, taking me with him when he moved. Even if it took us away from our group.
He would tug on my coat sleeve, and for a second I wondered if he would do something crazy. Like kiss me at midnight. The thought slipped through my mind, and I panicked for a moment. I'd never kissed anyone. I didn't know if I wanted to kiss him. What would happen afterwards? Why was he so intent on keeping me with him when we got lost in the crowds? Why didn't he try harder to stay with our group?
He kept me so close to him, and would look down at me. I couldn't read the thoughts behind his eyes. but I liked looking at them, anyway. He was thinking something... I was so confused. His face was so close to mine. Could he really not hear me? We were close enough to hear. Or maybe we weren't. Why was he so close?
He saw my text one of my guy friends.
"You guys should date," he told me.
Confusion was just the thing with Caleb... why did he tell me to date the other guy when he was being so flirty with me?
Caleb made sure I could see the ball drop at midnight, and kept moving so I was more comfortable in the chilly mob scene. Midnight came and went, and no midnight kiss happened. I was relieved. I was a little scared. I felt a little taken off guard at his attention already.
While I may have been taken off guard... I didn't mind it. I didn't really know how I felt, but I didn't mind.
For New Years (Saturday), Caleb, Mike (Caleb's brother), Maggie (Mike's gf), Mark, and Stephen drove over to spend a few days in Philly and NYC in the square for New Years Eve.
They came in on a Wednesday. I went downstairs to greet them all, and hardly thought a thing about Caleb. I went over to give him a hello hug, and I thought to myself that he gives good hugs. He looked cute, too. I liked his hair. He was so nice to everyone, and so sweet when he met my family. I liked that, but the thought slipped right out of my mind.
Just about the entire family was sick in the downstairs area with a vicious stomach flu. Zach and I were safe, and contemplating how we were going to stay uninfected. We all decided to risk it and stayed at the family's house regardless.
Everyone had gone out and got Vitamin C and immune system booster drinks. We toasted to staying healthy. We ate vitamins and drank Airborne. It was a good time.
We went to Philly that Thursday. Train ride. We met up with some of my friends, including Bi and her boyfriend Jeremy. Recall how I used to text Jeremy about my Caleb Crush that previous May.
I noticed Caleb would plant himself around me, or so it seemed. I didn't mind it. I was at a place in my heart where I had completely given up my grasp on what I was so reluctant to give up on even just weeks before. That guy I was so hung up over. I finally cut the cord on that line. I wasn't exactly what one would called "healed," but I was better than I was that day in Zach and Caleb's apartment.
Jeremy whispered to me while we all gathered around a table in Starbucks on South and Fourth in the city.
"He likes you," Jere told me.
"I don't think so... he has a girl."
Right about then, Zach informed me whatever was going on with Caleb and someone else, was no longer in action.
Oh?
In that moment, I decided I didn't mind Caleb hanging around me so much. I lightened up inside. I was noticing him more and more, and was becoming a bit self conscious. If he was interested in that girl still, I didn't want to flirt on accident or something... awkward. I respected Caleb. I was happy for him.
But I had no idea he was single again.
Caleb walked into Starbucks, and sat down right next to me. Jeremy caught my eye as he gave a slight nod towards Caleb as if to say, "See? I'm right." I rolled my eyes to argue, "False."
Though I did ponder.
Through this whole time in Philly, I hardly ate, or drank. I was feeling a little bit nauseous. It scared me. There's no way I'd allow myself to miss the New Years in NYC, which I'd never done before. I actually didn't want to go really, but knew I had to experience it anyway. I'd regret it. I lived to close to never experience NYC on New Years. And maybe I wanted to be around everyone...
The next day, Friday, was New Years Eve. I was still feeling a little weak in the stomach, but went anyway. My stomach was acting funny, but I held my own. I let myself fall in step with Caleb a few times. I'd laugh when he talked to me, and smile when we looked at me. Why not. He was my friend. I loved him like he was a brother. We'd seen each other through tough times, and we never got awkward even though we had a weird patch. When we flirted/studied in the library. But that had passed, and we moved on. But the small part of me that had a soft spot for Caleb grew just slightly, simply knowing that slate was clean for both of us.
That Friday night, I was dying. I was so tired, and sort of hated the standing for 12 hours part. Mark was having a great time dancing with the Asians, and I admit the dance party with people from all over the world in the middle of the crowds of peole was entertaining, and a good way to stay warm and keep from getting too stiff. I started enjoying myself a little bit more when Caleb started looking at me more, and smiling at me... he would pull my jacket when he walked through the overwhelming crowds of people, taking me with him when he moved. Even if it took us away from our group.
He would tug on my coat sleeve, and for a second I wondered if he would do something crazy. Like kiss me at midnight. The thought slipped through my mind, and I panicked for a moment. I'd never kissed anyone. I didn't know if I wanted to kiss him. What would happen afterwards? Why was he so intent on keeping me with him when we got lost in the crowds? Why didn't he try harder to stay with our group?
He kept me so close to him, and would look down at me. I couldn't read the thoughts behind his eyes. but I liked looking at them, anyway. He was thinking something... I was so confused. His face was so close to mine. Could he really not hear me? We were close enough to hear. Or maybe we weren't. Why was he so close?
He saw my text one of my guy friends.
"You guys should date," he told me.
Confusion was just the thing with Caleb... why did he tell me to date the other guy when he was being so flirty with me?
Caleb made sure I could see the ball drop at midnight, and kept moving so I was more comfortable in the chilly mob scene. Midnight came and went, and no midnight kiss happened. I was relieved. I was a little scared. I felt a little taken off guard at his attention already.
While I may have been taken off guard... I didn't mind it. I didn't really know how I felt, but I didn't mind.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Ten
Time went on that Fall, and Caleb and I coexisted quite nicely, actually. There were moments I'd notice him more than others, but for the most part, I was deeply absorbed into my own broken heart over my own issues.
At some point, I started to let go. I started to actually enjoy my Senior year of college, without a nagging weight on my heart about who was and who was not waiting for me in NJ. Fall of 2010 was life changing for me. Trina (my roommate) and I became best friends, and I just enjoyed my classes.
There were times though, that I was not entirely changed. If anyone asked me out, I said no regardless of emotion. Usually I had absolutely none. I would cry to my mom on the phone that I didn't even know what love was anymore. Every time I'd thought I'd found it, it turned around and whipped me bad. I didn't like love. I didn't want it. I felt mocked if anyone would pursue. How dare they remind me of the pain I'd endured? No thank you.
Caleb and I were in COR 401 together. A few times we all gathered together. There were 6 of us in our group, and we'd gather around Zach and Caleb's apartment to study and work on our project. We'd have at least one meeting a week. I remember one time Caleb read one of my annotations for our bibliography.
"This is awesome, Shaina," He'd said to me.
Sitting at their kitchen table, for a moment, I remembered why I'd liked him so much.
It was like I caught the scent of May 2010, but turned around to find where it came from, all to find no one there. Just like that, I'd lost it.
I viewed him as if I'd just met him. Our past Spring interaction was seemingly forgotten. I called myself foolish for my crush, and thought I'd come back to reality once I was "over" him. I was just rebounding, right? I was a little embarrassed.
I'd watch him sometimes, and get annoyed by him. His "interest" wasn't someone I knew, nor hung out with. I found myself irritated by the way he acted when he was with her or talking about her. But I was happy that he was happy. He was one of my brother's roommates. He was practically another brother.
So many times Caleb would come to our COR meetings late, and all flustered. I'd get frustrated because I'd be there waiting for an hour or more sometimes. I figured I'd dodged a bullet by nothing happening between him and I earlier that year.
That November, I came into Zach's apartment. I sat by Zach in their room, and vented my frustrations about the guy I couldn't let go of back home. The truth was, I was Caleb. Caleb was me. The things that frustrated me about him, were happening to me, too. I'd walk into their apartment frustrated, and hurting. I'd write heated, angry songs, and send them to Zach so we could possibly perform them. Zach would always tell me they were a little too emotional or exposed. I tried not to cry as I told Zach the latest news of my failing hope.
Caleb had been out on the couch in the living room. I didn't know he'd been listening. He started asking me what was going on. I didn't mind, though I was a little off guard. After all, I did like him in the past. I felt even more foolish for just a second. Let's tell one of my other failed hopes how yet another relationship in my life just couldn't last. Maybe he'd dodged a bullet with me, too. But it felt nice to be normal and not awkward with someone I really did like so much. Our friendship was perfectly fine. It was impressive.
He was really sweet. He was definitely negative about my stubbornness, holding onto what wasn't there. Almost the way a brother would be. He defended me, and said I didn't deserve that. I hadn't exactly let go, yet. I felt there had to be some sliver of hope left. I clung to it like a vine that had grown around an arbor.
And Caleb was still happy in his "relationship." Or so I thought. After all, Caleb and I didn't go study one on one anymore. I didn't know anything going on in his life, aside from what I'd seen. I didn't concern myself with him. I was in enough of a mess in my heart to care.
At some point, I started to let go. I started to actually enjoy my Senior year of college, without a nagging weight on my heart about who was and who was not waiting for me in NJ. Fall of 2010 was life changing for me. Trina (my roommate) and I became best friends, and I just enjoyed my classes.
There were times though, that I was not entirely changed. If anyone asked me out, I said no regardless of emotion. Usually I had absolutely none. I would cry to my mom on the phone that I didn't even know what love was anymore. Every time I'd thought I'd found it, it turned around and whipped me bad. I didn't like love. I didn't want it. I felt mocked if anyone would pursue. How dare they remind me of the pain I'd endured? No thank you.
Caleb and I were in COR 401 together. A few times we all gathered together. There were 6 of us in our group, and we'd gather around Zach and Caleb's apartment to study and work on our project. We'd have at least one meeting a week. I remember one time Caleb read one of my annotations for our bibliography.
"This is awesome, Shaina," He'd said to me.
Sitting at their kitchen table, for a moment, I remembered why I'd liked him so much.
It was like I caught the scent of May 2010, but turned around to find where it came from, all to find no one there. Just like that, I'd lost it.
I viewed him as if I'd just met him. Our past Spring interaction was seemingly forgotten. I called myself foolish for my crush, and thought I'd come back to reality once I was "over" him. I was just rebounding, right? I was a little embarrassed.
I'd watch him sometimes, and get annoyed by him. His "interest" wasn't someone I knew, nor hung out with. I found myself irritated by the way he acted when he was with her or talking about her. But I was happy that he was happy. He was one of my brother's roommates. He was practically another brother.
So many times Caleb would come to our COR meetings late, and all flustered. I'd get frustrated because I'd be there waiting for an hour or more sometimes. I figured I'd dodged a bullet by nothing happening between him and I earlier that year.
That November, I came into Zach's apartment. I sat by Zach in their room, and vented my frustrations about the guy I couldn't let go of back home. The truth was, I was Caleb. Caleb was me. The things that frustrated me about him, were happening to me, too. I'd walk into their apartment frustrated, and hurting. I'd write heated, angry songs, and send them to Zach so we could possibly perform them. Zach would always tell me they were a little too emotional or exposed. I tried not to cry as I told Zach the latest news of my failing hope.
Caleb had been out on the couch in the living room. I didn't know he'd been listening. He started asking me what was going on. I didn't mind, though I was a little off guard. After all, I did like him in the past. I felt even more foolish for just a second. Let's tell one of my other failed hopes how yet another relationship in my life just couldn't last. Maybe he'd dodged a bullet with me, too. But it felt nice to be normal and not awkward with someone I really did like so much. Our friendship was perfectly fine. It was impressive.
He was really sweet. He was definitely negative about my stubbornness, holding onto what wasn't there. Almost the way a brother would be. He defended me, and said I didn't deserve that. I hadn't exactly let go, yet. I felt there had to be some sliver of hope left. I clung to it like a vine that had grown around an arbor.
And Caleb was still happy in his "relationship." Or so I thought. After all, Caleb and I didn't go study one on one anymore. I didn't know anything going on in his life, aside from what I'd seen. I didn't concern myself with him. I was in enough of a mess in my heart to care.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
You're 23 :)
Dear Caleb,
You're 23! How are you that 19-year-old RC with an earring and a baseball cap?
Taking engagement pictures with you last weekend was unreal. I can't believe I'm engaged to the guy I couldn't get out of my head for years.
There are moments when I look down at the ring you put on my finger, and think about all the times I was so discouraged I'd never fall in love. God blew all my dreams out of the water, and splattered them all over the wall into the most brilliant masterpiece. I'm speechless. The way I'd always prayed I'd be. The way my parents and grandparents prayed for since before I was even born.
I couldn't imagine being with a better man. Someone who takes care of me above himself, someone who loves the Lord above me, and loves me above himself. Someone who reminds me of my Deuteronomy (click it if you're confused). I used to get sad because I always told people I wanted to marry someone like Zach and felt like I'd be disappointed in the end. I'm glad he was my brother. Not just because he set an amazing standard (which you exceeded with flying colors like as in you make the skittles double rainbows jealous...), but because he was your friend. Aka: one way ticket to getting to know this hunk-of-burning-attractiveness. What can I say... besides quote you... "It's who ya know."
I love when you pray with me over the phone, or over skype, and when you're sitting next to me. You never let us forget our purpose, our Maker, the One who gave us a life to live together. You intercede for me. You're a Godly man, Caleb. Not just because you grew up with a Christian home, with a beautiful Christian family. You've made His heart your Home. And because of that, the heart of God will always be our Home, and the Home of our family. I know our house will serve the Lord, because you'll be the one leading it.
You wear the pants. But you let me pick them out. Which is so much fun. And even when it's not so much (recall last Saturday in H&M...), we always work out our tiffs in a way that puts me at ease. I'm always safe. I'm always loved.
I've said it before, but your parents were so right on when they named you after the Caleb in the Bible. He was a man of courage. He was a man who fought for what was his in the name of the Lord. You do that. Everyday. And you do it for me. And you help me, and love me through difficult situations, and frustrating times.
I love dancing with you. Whether it's at the Jr Sr in 2011 when we pretend we don't like each other, or under the Arch at night, while we're rearranging my apartment, or at a wedding... you might not swing dance (yet), but you're the only hand I want to take.
You are the biggest goof ball I've ever known. You had me panicking for dear life when we'd study together those many years ago. I was so terrified my obnoxious laughter at your humor would spill over into very unattractive tears of sooooo happy. And now, I could listen to your ridiculous jokes and silly humor all the time, and still laugh just like I did behind my computer screen on the 3rd floor of the Greenville library.
I always just wanted someone to make me laugh.
And for that matter, someone to laugh at me. Thanks for that. I like thinking I'm funny, too.
You support me and my dreams above your own. It breaks me. You encourage me to pursue my dreams as hard as you pursue me... which makes me feel so incredibly loved, I can't even take it sometimes.
You paid for my piano to get tuned when I was too lazy to get it done myself. You love when I make music. You never get tired of it. You let me write song after song after song about you, and you never criticize me for how mushy I am. You let me make the words you say to me, putty in my hands to make into a new melody. And you never discourage me. When you remind me hundreds and hundreds of times that you're my biggest fan, you really mean it, and you show it.
You threw rocks at my window. You romance me in ways I never thought anyone would do. You listen to my songs I've written, and you make them come true. No one does that. You're insane. I can't believe I get to be your girl.
You provide for me. You provide me with more security than a little girl's blanket she can't let go of at night. You provide me with more love than all of Paris could compete with. You provide me with hands to hold when we're bored on a long drive. You give me peace when you remind me everything is under control when I'm definitely not. You look on me with understanding when even I know I'm making no sense.
You sing me to sleep over the phone. I'd rather hear your voice than anyone else's in the world.
You're a comforter. You speak to me in a way that puts my worries to rest, and my uncertainty to sleep.
You're the living form of the answered prayers prayed by my whole family, and your whole family. You're made by the hands of heaven. Heaven celebrates your birthday too. Today's the day when one of God's best dreams came true. I'm 100-percent-amen sure that when God made you, he stepped back to say, "This one... this one is Good." And today when He sees you, He's proud to say, "This one is mine."
I can't believe I get to say that, too. I love you Caleb Arb. Happy Birthday:)
Love Shai
You're 23! How are you that 19-year-old RC with an earring and a baseball cap?
Taking engagement pictures with you last weekend was unreal. I can't believe I'm engaged to the guy I couldn't get out of my head for years.
There are moments when I look down at the ring you put on my finger, and think about all the times I was so discouraged I'd never fall in love. God blew all my dreams out of the water, and splattered them all over the wall into the most brilliant masterpiece. I'm speechless. The way I'd always prayed I'd be. The way my parents and grandparents prayed for since before I was even born.
I couldn't imagine being with a better man. Someone who takes care of me above himself, someone who loves the Lord above me, and loves me above himself. Someone who reminds me of my Deuteronomy (click it if you're confused). I used to get sad because I always told people I wanted to marry someone like Zach and felt like I'd be disappointed in the end. I'm glad he was my brother. Not just because he set an amazing standard (which you exceeded with flying colors like as in you make the skittles double rainbows jealous...), but because he was your friend. Aka: one way ticket to getting to know this hunk-of-burning-attractiveness. What can I say... besides quote you... "It's who ya know."
I love when you pray with me over the phone, or over skype, and when you're sitting next to me. You never let us forget our purpose, our Maker, the One who gave us a life to live together. You intercede for me. You're a Godly man, Caleb. Not just because you grew up with a Christian home, with a beautiful Christian family. You've made His heart your Home. And because of that, the heart of God will always be our Home, and the Home of our family. I know our house will serve the Lord, because you'll be the one leading it.
You wear the pants. But you let me pick them out. Which is so much fun. And even when it's not so much (recall last Saturday in H&M...), we always work out our tiffs in a way that puts me at ease. I'm always safe. I'm always loved.
I've said it before, but your parents were so right on when they named you after the Caleb in the Bible. He was a man of courage. He was a man who fought for what was his in the name of the Lord. You do that. Everyday. And you do it for me. And you help me, and love me through difficult situations, and frustrating times.
I love dancing with you. Whether it's at the Jr Sr in 2011 when we pretend we don't like each other, or under the Arch at night, while we're rearranging my apartment, or at a wedding... you might not swing dance (yet), but you're the only hand I want to take.
You are the biggest goof ball I've ever known. You had me panicking for dear life when we'd study together those many years ago. I was so terrified my obnoxious laughter at your humor would spill over into very unattractive tears of sooooo happy. And now, I could listen to your ridiculous jokes and silly humor all the time, and still laugh just like I did behind my computer screen on the 3rd floor of the Greenville library.
I always just wanted someone to make me laugh.
And for that matter, someone to laugh at me. Thanks for that. I like thinking I'm funny, too.
You support me and my dreams above your own. It breaks me. You encourage me to pursue my dreams as hard as you pursue me... which makes me feel so incredibly loved, I can't even take it sometimes.
You paid for my piano to get tuned when I was too lazy to get it done myself. You love when I make music. You never get tired of it. You let me write song after song after song about you, and you never criticize me for how mushy I am. You let me make the words you say to me, putty in my hands to make into a new melody. And you never discourage me. When you remind me hundreds and hundreds of times that you're my biggest fan, you really mean it, and you show it.
You threw rocks at my window. You romance me in ways I never thought anyone would do. You listen to my songs I've written, and you make them come true. No one does that. You're insane. I can't believe I get to be your girl.
You provide for me. You provide me with more security than a little girl's blanket she can't let go of at night. You provide me with more love than all of Paris could compete with. You provide me with hands to hold when we're bored on a long drive. You give me peace when you remind me everything is under control when I'm definitely not. You look on me with understanding when even I know I'm making no sense.
You sing me to sleep over the phone. I'd rather hear your voice than anyone else's in the world.
You're a comforter. You speak to me in a way that puts my worries to rest, and my uncertainty to sleep.
You're the living form of the answered prayers prayed by my whole family, and your whole family. You're made by the hands of heaven. Heaven celebrates your birthday too. Today's the day when one of God's best dreams came true. I'm 100-percent-amen sure that when God made you, he stepped back to say, "This one... this one is Good." And today when He sees you, He's proud to say, "This one is mine."
I can't believe I get to say that, too. I love you Caleb Arb. Happy Birthday:)
Love Shai
Monday, September 10, 2012
Nine
The next day was graduation. The choir was seated behind the risers we would sing on. As people took their seats, I noticed Caleb walk in to my left, only a few feet away. He noticed me, too, and we waved. But my heart sunk. Whatever there had been between us did not seem to be there anymore.
I looked down at my blue dress. A dress I'd wear again on August 18th, 2012, which would be a special day, nearly two and a half years later.
The next morning, Zach and I left to head back to NJ with another NJ friend also from 3rd Oak. Caleb checked Zach out of his room. It was so sad... I didn't know what was happening. Leaving Greenville. It was my home. I didn't like the idea of not being there.
And then there was Caleb. Who seemed farther and farther away from the guy I got to know studying in the library. He gave me a distant hug goodbye, and I stuffed myself into the pile of stuff in the back of Zach's car.
My heart was in such a mess of emotions. I liked Caleb so much, but felt like I'd been such a fool. I felt like my hand had been slapped. How dare I assume a guy I liked so much would enjoy my presence just as much as I did his? Shame on me.
That Summer I texted him a few times. Meaningless conversations that didn't go very far. I chopped my long hair off, and told him about it on facebook. That conversation didn't last long either.
I'd go for long walks with my best friend all summer. Our first walk's conversations consisted of Bi telling me about her new boyfriend, and me telling her how much I liked Caleb. How amazing he was. How much fun I had with him. How I loved his face, and his eyes, and how much he made me laugh.
How I never thought I'd see myself with someone who wasn't a musician, but how Caleb was better than my own dreaming.
But that didn't last through the summer. Actually, it only lasted about a week or two at most.
The story goes on to basically forgetting about him through the Summer. And being so glad for it.
By the end of the summer... I was broken hearted and frustrated, and confused. But not because of Caleb.
When I went back to Greenville that August, I was nervous to see Caleb. I knew I was definitely not interested in him anymore, but part of me was nervous I'd fall back into that trap.
That year, our senior year, he was one of Zach's roommates. And he was also a member of our COR 401 group. Basically our senior project team.
In short, I could not hold any grudge or let myself be afraid of him. Afraid of hurting for his lack of attention or liking him again.
So I didn't hold a grudge. It'd be too much work, and I was fragile already due to the things that transpired over that Summer.
It was the Back to School Bash, and I still hadn't seen Caleb, though I'd been at school for 5 days. School started the next day. I saw Caleb walking up around Ganton Circle, so I decided I'd extend myself and get it over with. I said hello.
He gave me a side hug, and was kind, but similar to the way he said goodbye to me that May. Clearly uninterested.
It was later that night I'd found out he was "with" someone else. A girl I didn't know.
Good. I didn't have to think of him ever again.
I looked down at my blue dress. A dress I'd wear again on August 18th, 2012, which would be a special day, nearly two and a half years later.
The next morning, Zach and I left to head back to NJ with another NJ friend also from 3rd Oak. Caleb checked Zach out of his room. It was so sad... I didn't know what was happening. Leaving Greenville. It was my home. I didn't like the idea of not being there.
And then there was Caleb. Who seemed farther and farther away from the guy I got to know studying in the library. He gave me a distant hug goodbye, and I stuffed myself into the pile of stuff in the back of Zach's car.
My heart was in such a mess of emotions. I liked Caleb so much, but felt like I'd been such a fool. I felt like my hand had been slapped. How dare I assume a guy I liked so much would enjoy my presence just as much as I did his? Shame on me.
That Summer I texted him a few times. Meaningless conversations that didn't go very far. I chopped my long hair off, and told him about it on facebook. That conversation didn't last long either.
I'd go for long walks with my best friend all summer. Our first walk's conversations consisted of Bi telling me about her new boyfriend, and me telling her how much I liked Caleb. How amazing he was. How much fun I had with him. How I loved his face, and his eyes, and how much he made me laugh.
How I never thought I'd see myself with someone who wasn't a musician, but how Caleb was better than my own dreaming.
But that didn't last through the summer. Actually, it only lasted about a week or two at most.
The story goes on to basically forgetting about him through the Summer. And being so glad for it.
By the end of the summer... I was broken hearted and frustrated, and confused. But not because of Caleb.
When I went back to Greenville that August, I was nervous to see Caleb. I knew I was definitely not interested in him anymore, but part of me was nervous I'd fall back into that trap.
That year, our senior year, he was one of Zach's roommates. And he was also a member of our COR 401 group. Basically our senior project team.
In short, I could not hold any grudge or let myself be afraid of him. Afraid of hurting for his lack of attention or liking him again.
So I didn't hold a grudge. It'd be too much work, and I was fragile already due to the things that transpired over that Summer.
It was the Back to School Bash, and I still hadn't seen Caleb, though I'd been at school for 5 days. School started the next day. I saw Caleb walking up around Ganton Circle, so I decided I'd extend myself and get it over with. I said hello.
He gave me a side hug, and was kind, but similar to the way he said goodbye to me that May. Clearly uninterested.
It was later that night I'd found out he was "with" someone else. A girl I didn't know.
Good. I didn't have to think of him ever again.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Eight
I found myself on the library steps the night before graduation with Sarah Beth Meyers (now Janes), and Ashley Norwood. Nearly everyone on campus was home for the Summer. But not us choir kids. We had to sing for commencement.
The three of us chatted about random things, but soon it got deep. Sarah talked about how she wanted to marry Jason (who's now her husband) and Ashley talked about the next year. I talked about how I had developed somewhat of a crush on someone. Though I told them no name.
A dramatic silence followed. And then...
"TELL US." Ashley told me.
They went around to who it could be... if he was at the bonfire that night.
Ahh yes. The bon fire.
Zach, Jay, Caleb and a few more of us gathered around the benches outside of West Oak. Caleb was wearing a plaid shirt, purple and blues. I watched his eyelashes as he texted on his phone. He was probably texting the girl who was winning him... I opened my own phone and texted my friend Jeremy. I had told him all about Caleb. I told Jere that Caleb was just so gorgeous. more gorgeous than anyone I knew. He was just so attractive. I loved just watching his flipping eyelashes! I liked the shape of his eyes.
Someone had it bad...
Ahem.
We crowded around the bonfire in the Gullies. I wished so hard Caleb would just notice me, and come sit by me.
Where was the guy who was so in tune to every letter I erased on his paper? What about all the times I'd just look up from my computer, and he'd be instantly looking up at me, too? Maybe I'd been a fool. Maybe I dreamed that up. Still, I couldn't say I'd missed all the answers on his face, so many times.
He never sat next to me. It was ok, though. I suddenly didn't mind leaving a few days later. Maybe the sooner the better.
I was mixed.
Ashley and Sarah kept guessing who my little crush was... until Ashley's eyes grew the size of saucers.
"..." dramatic pause before slowly, articulately saying, "CALEB?" More in disbelief.
My hesitation was answer enough.
Sarah Beth didn't say a word.
Then. It hit me. CALEB IS ONE OF SARAH'S BEST FRIENDS.
I was dead.
But I wasn't. Sarah Beth went on and on about how perfect it was, and how it had to work. Ashley chimed in about how Caleb is wonderful. Like I needed reassurance... but it felt good, nonetheless.
Just then... though I couldn't see him, for I was sitting against the wall railing... Caleb.
Had he heard? I lived through one of his best friends finding out my true feelings... but HIM. NO.
He was out star gazing. I'll skip the details. It was official. I had lost.
Seven
That night at Adam Bros was so sweet. It was confusing. Yet, it was fun to imagine, if just for a second, what it'd be like if Caleb always picked me up and drove me random places. Like I was his.
But that rumor about Caleb and another girl never exactly left.
What confused me... why he denied that he had an interest when I asked him.
Although... let's rewind. Caleb didn't announce who he was interested in. Or so I'd been told.
However, it became more and more evident that they were probably "together" or something...
Later that week, Trina and I had a sleepover. Our roommates were gone, and we were still at Greenville for choir that week.
We decided that night to do something out of character. She texted a guy she was into.
And I chatted Caleb on Facebook. I waited for him to respond like he used to...
Trina waited for her phone to buzz... his response to her was not what she'd hope. More like a shut down.
But at least she got a response. Caleb never responded to me.
I was feeling more and more that I was beginning to be obvious. Trina was the only person I didn't deny my crush to.
I told her one night, and her response is still in my head.
"Shaina, he is a man of God..."
I know. I knew that.
I was happy that she approved, though. In fact, she was probably Shaileb's biggest fan.
And definitely my biggest support, just having a friend I wasn't hiding my heart from.
The closer Caleb and I got to our final... the less he interacted with me.
When our final was over, he asked how I did, and that was about it.
It was sad, but true.
Six
Studying with Caleb that night was just the best. We had a rhythm or so it seemed. We were unmistakably in sync with each other.
We met up with Zach and Jay, and went to Steak and Shake. It was finals week. It was a Monday night.
Caleb sat in front of me, in the front seat passenger side. Jay complimented me on my "cool shirt" and Caleb turned on Paramore because, as he announced, it was my favorite. I loved how he did that.
So the tug of war with this girl Caleb apparently liked... I wasn't trying to tug. I honestly wasn't. I just figured I'd lost. Girl fights were disgusting, and I wasn't interested in that.
I was out at Adam Bros later that week. Caleb was there, along with Zach and some other friends. I sat next to Caleb... I was working on some things on my computer, as Caleb worked on something on his.
I was actually writing something... it was a book idea I had. I'd never shown anyone. I would never show anyone. Caleb peeked over, and I closed my computer.
"What's that?"
"Nothing..."
He looked at me. Dangit, the boy was glorious.
"... it's a book... just an idea..."
"Well, promise me you'll show me when you're done."
"Deal."
Yeah... that would happen.
But for a moment, it made me feel like finishing it. Just so I could show him.
Soon, Zach and his friend decided to leave.
That left Caleb and I.
We chatted. And other people walked into the little coffee shop. I asked Caleb if he was interested in one of the girls who had walked in. The one I figured I'd lose to. After all, what fight was I even giving... but he said he wasn't. But I still felt like I should go.
Caleb asked if I wanted a ride. I told him no thanks, and walked out. I was walking to Tenny, to watch a movie with some friends.
It was dark. I quickly regretted not taking Caleb up on his offer.
So I texted him and told him I regretted it.
So he texted and asked where I was, then called me because he was driving trying to find me. Eureka!
Maybe I wasn't losing.
He picked me up, and drove me to Tenny.
I loved it. I wanted to drive with him again. It was fun. Even if it was 45 seconds.
Maybe, just maybe...
We met up with Zach and Jay, and went to Steak and Shake. It was finals week. It was a Monday night.
Caleb sat in front of me, in the front seat passenger side. Jay complimented me on my "cool shirt" and Caleb turned on Paramore because, as he announced, it was my favorite. I loved how he did that.
So the tug of war with this girl Caleb apparently liked... I wasn't trying to tug. I honestly wasn't. I just figured I'd lost. Girl fights were disgusting, and I wasn't interested in that.
I was out at Adam Bros later that week. Caleb was there, along with Zach and some other friends. I sat next to Caleb... I was working on some things on my computer, as Caleb worked on something on his.
I was actually writing something... it was a book idea I had. I'd never shown anyone. I would never show anyone. Caleb peeked over, and I closed my computer.
"What's that?"
"Nothing..."
He looked at me. Dangit, the boy was glorious.
"... it's a book... just an idea..."
"Well, promise me you'll show me when you're done."
"Deal."
Yeah... that would happen.
But for a moment, it made me feel like finishing it. Just so I could show him.
Soon, Zach and his friend decided to leave.
That left Caleb and I.
We chatted. And other people walked into the little coffee shop. I asked Caleb if he was interested in one of the girls who had walked in. The one I figured I'd lose to. After all, what fight was I even giving... but he said he wasn't. But I still felt like I should go.
Caleb asked if I wanted a ride. I told him no thanks, and walked out. I was walking to Tenny, to watch a movie with some friends.
It was dark. I quickly regretted not taking Caleb up on his offer.
So I texted him and told him I regretted it.
So he texted and asked where I was, then called me because he was driving trying to find me. Eureka!
Maybe I wasn't losing.
He picked me up, and drove me to Tenny.
I loved it. I wanted to drive with him again. It was fun. Even if it was 45 seconds.
Maybe, just maybe...
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