I miss my boyfriend. Last night I got to skype with him for a while, and honestly… sometimes talking to him makes it worse. I just love him all the more, and hate the fact that I won’t see him for yet three weeks. It’s already been two.
It’s a heartbreak that isn’t actual fractures. There are no pieces. It’s more like my heart is swollen when I miss Caleb. Yes, those of you who are smirking at this post, I am love sick indeed.
But mostly, what I miss, is experiencing life together. I miss when something funny happens, and I can look at Caleb and laugh about it, or make a face, or bring it up later and he already knows about it.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I value everything in my relationship with Caleb. Every time we talk it means so much to me, because we don’t often see each other. And every time I’m with him in person, it’s like I can’t take my eye off him. He is a dream.
However, I just detest the times when I have to live life without him. And he has to live life without me.
Yes, the “in love” obsession is there. I’m not making any apologies, people.
Ok, so last night I went to bed aching because we had just said goodnight on skype. I woke up, with the aftertaste of something I immediately remembered. Ugh. Caleb’s still 1500 miles away.
I sat up in bed, with my covers newly turned over, exposing myself to the cool air outside my cocoon. I notified God that I’d need help today. It’s a Monday. I’m cold and tired. And I was sad.
I felt there, as I sat up in bed, staring into the gloom before me, God speak to my heart. I thought about the day. I felt the heavy nag of missing Caleb.
“I’m coming with you,”
Ok. These words should not have come as a shock to me. Haven’t we heard time and time again how God will never leave us, nor forsake us?
Oi vey! I know this well! It should not have shocked me!
But indeed. Lo. Behold. God revealed himself to me in my hideous messy bun trapped in all directions due to a night of arrest between my head and pillow.
God will not relent in romancing me. I am in love with a guy. He’s bewitched me, and I have fallen for someone. It’s a big deal. Yet, God does not tire in His relentless attempts to keep me for His own, while blessing a relationship I believe and know He’s established Himself as well.
He reminded me of the freedom, and the gift I have in my relationship with Him. With my Savior. Sometimes it legitimately feels better to have someone else’s arms around me. I tire of God being “on high” and not as “nigh” because He’s God… I’m human. I can’t see Him. I can’t touch Him.
Yet He told me in a way so personal, so incredibly needed, how close He is. How intimate He is. How deeply He cares for me.
He is providing for me emotionally. Do you get this? God is reminding me that while my relationship with Caleb is good, it will never ever in a thousand million years reach what His relationship can accomplish the instant I let it.
I will NEVER have to miss God. How crazy is this… I will never have to go without Him. I miss Caleb all the time while He’s in St. Louis, and I’m in NJ. But the reality is, even if we were together, Caleb couldn’t come with me everywhere I go. And vice versa. We will never ever be able to reach the same level of incredible intimacy that we are capable of having with our God.
My whole day changed because He came with me, and I knew it. I was comforted. So incredibly comforted. He comes with us.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Lift me up
Well hi. I'm still kinda sick. So lame. I've been sick over a week now... whenever I mention it to people, they sing the same chorus, "First year teacher..."
Guilty.
Anyway, I don't really know what I feel like talking about. I have a lot of things I wanted to be doing tonight... it's Friday. I'm in love. I can't say it's Friday without saying "I'm in love"... that song I guess. But, it's also the truth. I am in love. There. I said it... :)
Yes dear ones, my heart is etched with a man's name. How good it feels.
I know I keep things very jaded when it comes to socially personal issues. I tell all about things going on in my own life that concern only me... but for the sake of other people, I tend to keep other things very private.
But if anyone cares about my love-life... it is freaking awesome.
Because Caleb Arb is freaking awesome.
Oh my goodness, he is my favorite person alive. My best friend. My biggest fan... you know what's funny, is I've heard that line before. "Shaina I'm your biggest fan."
But I actually really do feel like he is my biggest support. He lifts me up.
It's like the difference of wearing high heels, and standing on my tiptoes.
Life before Caleb: me with flats, and no arch support.
Life dating the best guy in the world: the heels that girls drool over, complete with height that helps people take little 5 foot 2 Shai seriously.
In the past "I'm your biggest fan" was like standing on my tiptoes. Tiring, and false advertisement. It's hard to walk when you're on your toes. One wrong move, and you're on your behind, on the floor. So much for walking with confidence. So much for being lifted up... It was more like following orders, and wishful thinking.
So. I think I've caught some gold in Caleb. He lifts me up. But who needs shoes when you're walking in the clouds... I've got it bad, my friends. I've got it bad.
Guilty.
Anyway, I don't really know what I feel like talking about. I have a lot of things I wanted to be doing tonight... it's Friday. I'm in love. I can't say it's Friday without saying "I'm in love"... that song I guess. But, it's also the truth. I am in love. There. I said it... :)
Yes dear ones, my heart is etched with a man's name. How good it feels.
I know I keep things very jaded when it comes to socially personal issues. I tell all about things going on in my own life that concern only me... but for the sake of other people, I tend to keep other things very private.
But if anyone cares about my love-life... it is freaking awesome.
Because Caleb Arb is freaking awesome.
Oh my goodness, he is my favorite person alive. My best friend. My biggest fan... you know what's funny, is I've heard that line before. "Shaina I'm your biggest fan."
But I actually really do feel like he is my biggest support. He lifts me up.
It's like the difference of wearing high heels, and standing on my tiptoes.
Life before Caleb: me with flats, and no arch support.
Life dating the best guy in the world: the heels that girls drool over, complete with height that helps people take little 5 foot 2 Shai seriously.
In the past "I'm your biggest fan" was like standing on my tiptoes. Tiring, and false advertisement. It's hard to walk when you're on your toes. One wrong move, and you're on your behind, on the floor. So much for walking with confidence. So much for being lifted up... It was more like following orders, and wishful thinking.
So. I think I've caught some gold in Caleb. He lifts me up. But who needs shoes when you're walking in the clouds... I've got it bad, my friends. I've got it bad.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Put your hands up
Ok. I should write. I should write for the public eye. Right here, and now. I take myself more seriously when I know someone else could read my "work."
And as I've said before, God speaks to me when I play music, sing, and write. He meets me where I am, and where my heart is most attentive. I love it. It's so cool.
And so, God has stirred my heart today. I've been unable to escape from this grip on me.
This is also entirely expository. It is very revealing of my own heart, and therefore slightly terrifying. Then again, maybe due to my excessive absence in my blogging lately, no one even remembers me. Either way. I'll proceed.
Today one of my 8-year-old voice students said this to me:
"My mom said make sure you use the whole time of the lesson or she won't keep paying the money."
Ok, ouch.
OK, I will be perfectly honest. I do not always use the whole 30-minute lesson. Honestly, it's become so normal to cut them down to 20-25 minutes with all my 5-year-old students especially, because they're so young. I can accept the fact that they're already restless and not getting anywhere, and sometimes even getting up and saying they're done as they grab their bags to go. I've become that teacher that doesn't push her students in some ways.
Sure I have a philosophy as every teacher should. My goal is not only to teach my piano and voice students. It's also to train them to enjoy music. To appreciate it. To genuinely love it.
When they're tired and frustrated from paying attention after 20-25 minutes, I don't push super hard.
Now, some of you may think I'm not in the wrong. I have it well thought out. I'm not fooling anyone.
But I felt so hit between the eyes when my student said that to me today.
It hit me deeper, because it goes deeper. I knew God was getting at something.
I remember how much Pastor Don used to stress the word integrity. Integrity is "who I am when no one's looking."
I think I've allowed my integrity to get lazy. I think when no one's looking, especially, I tend to get lazy. I think I need to change some things.
See, I want to be the same person whether in the dark, or with all lights shining on me.
I want God to say I was a good and faithful servant when He was the only One who notices.
This is going to be difficult. I work so hard already, I am slightly mortified that God is actually asking me to give it more. To give Him more.
In one of the voice lessons I taught today, I was breaking down some lyrics with my student. She didn't know what the word "represent" meant.
The dictionary says it means "to be entitled or appointed to act or speak for (someone), esp. in an official capacity."
It also means "to constitute; amount to."
If I represent Jesus Christ... I should "amount to" Him. Oh my gosh, I can't do that... that's madness, dude. I cannot amount to Christ... yet that's what's up.
A representation should be accurate. Inaccurate representations are the ones people gossip about and throw tomatoes at. Someone who "represents" someone or something else is usually proud of what he or she is representing, too.
So... today was full of these little subtleties. I should be an accurate representation of the Lord. Even if that means I get home a little later from work. Because I'm proud of Who I represent. Because my integrity is the facade of this representation. Because my integrity is precious to my Maker.
Represent. Now put your hands up. Name that tune.
And as I've said before, God speaks to me when I play music, sing, and write. He meets me where I am, and where my heart is most attentive. I love it. It's so cool.
And so, God has stirred my heart today. I've been unable to escape from this grip on me.
This is also entirely expository. It is very revealing of my own heart, and therefore slightly terrifying. Then again, maybe due to my excessive absence in my blogging lately, no one even remembers me. Either way. I'll proceed.
Today one of my 8-year-old voice students said this to me:
"My mom said make sure you use the whole time of the lesson or she won't keep paying the money."
Ok, ouch.
OK, I will be perfectly honest. I do not always use the whole 30-minute lesson. Honestly, it's become so normal to cut them down to 20-25 minutes with all my 5-year-old students especially, because they're so young. I can accept the fact that they're already restless and not getting anywhere, and sometimes even getting up and saying they're done as they grab their bags to go. I've become that teacher that doesn't push her students in some ways.
Sure I have a philosophy as every teacher should. My goal is not only to teach my piano and voice students. It's also to train them to enjoy music. To appreciate it. To genuinely love it.
When they're tired and frustrated from paying attention after 20-25 minutes, I don't push super hard.
Now, some of you may think I'm not in the wrong. I have it well thought out. I'm not fooling anyone.
But I felt so hit between the eyes when my student said that to me today.
It hit me deeper, because it goes deeper. I knew God was getting at something.
I remember how much Pastor Don used to stress the word integrity. Integrity is "who I am when no one's looking."
I think I've allowed my integrity to get lazy. I think when no one's looking, especially, I tend to get lazy. I think I need to change some things.
See, I want to be the same person whether in the dark, or with all lights shining on me.
I want God to say I was a good and faithful servant when He was the only One who notices.
This is going to be difficult. I work so hard already, I am slightly mortified that God is actually asking me to give it more. To give Him more.
In one of the voice lessons I taught today, I was breaking down some lyrics with my student. She didn't know what the word "represent" meant.
The dictionary says it means "to be entitled or appointed to act or speak for (someone), esp. in an official capacity."
It also means "to constitute; amount to."
If I represent Jesus Christ... I should "amount to" Him. Oh my gosh, I can't do that... that's madness, dude. I cannot amount to Christ... yet that's what's up.
A representation should be accurate. Inaccurate representations are the ones people gossip about and throw tomatoes at. Someone who "represents" someone or something else is usually proud of what he or she is representing, too.
So... today was full of these little subtleties. I should be an accurate representation of the Lord. Even if that means I get home a little later from work. Because I'm proud of Who I represent. Because my integrity is the facade of this representation. Because my integrity is precious to my Maker.
Represent. Now put your hands up. Name that tune.
Ain't it the truth
I treat Jesus
Like He’s Santa
Pray to Him
Like He’s up
At the North Pole
Like my pen
Is a remote
And I have
Christmas
On demand
Like He’s Santa
Pray to Him
Like He’s up
At the North Pole
Like my pen
Is a remote
And I have
Christmas
On demand
Towers of Babel
You know… this past year has shaped me more than I expected it would. Going into the unknown is always a story to tell… graduation… moving home… a new job, and an apartment. It’s all a wild story.
And God’s doing a lot in my life right now. I’m very comfortable right now. I think maybe that’s why He’s seeing such a need to shake it up.
You remember how the gospels talk about how Jesus had no place to lay His head? I think about that sometimes. I think about how He knew He couldn’t really get comfortable anywhere, but that His comfort came from knowing He was following the will of His Father. His comfort came from communion with the Father, the Holy Spirit, no matter where His feet walked.
Right now, in many ways, the scenes in my life are set up perfectly for God to do His thing. I almost don’t even want to plan anything, because I know He’d just wreck them, and make His own prevail. Then again… isn’t that why He lets us plan? I think it is. In my life, that’s been the purpose of planning. So that I can watch in awe that one breath can topple a tower of Babel in my life.
I build towers because I like building. I like seeing bricks come together. I like using my hands (my abilities, my gifts, my dreams, my expectations) to build (make plans) towers.
And yet, God frustrates the plans. He uses the wisdom of this world to shame us, and the follies to build US up. It’s a tricky plan of action.
I do not understand it.
More and more, I’m comfortable with not understanding.
I’m honestly letting a lot of anticipation swell in my heart. Gods definitely got something going on… I’m excited I get a front row seat.
I think we should think about it that way. When God is frustrating our plans, and they’re OUR plans, it means we get a front row seat to witnessing miracles.
Last Summer was the biggest testing time I’ve experienced with letting God be in control of my life.
This time around, it’s not that it’s easy… it’s almost more exciting though. Because I’ve seen what He can do… and I am definitely on board for more.
And God’s doing a lot in my life right now. I’m very comfortable right now. I think maybe that’s why He’s seeing such a need to shake it up.
You remember how the gospels talk about how Jesus had no place to lay His head? I think about that sometimes. I think about how He knew He couldn’t really get comfortable anywhere, but that His comfort came from knowing He was following the will of His Father. His comfort came from communion with the Father, the Holy Spirit, no matter where His feet walked.
Right now, in many ways, the scenes in my life are set up perfectly for God to do His thing. I almost don’t even want to plan anything, because I know He’d just wreck them, and make His own prevail. Then again… isn’t that why He lets us plan? I think it is. In my life, that’s been the purpose of planning. So that I can watch in awe that one breath can topple a tower of Babel in my life.
I build towers because I like building. I like seeing bricks come together. I like using my hands (my abilities, my gifts, my dreams, my expectations) to build (make plans) towers.
And yet, God frustrates the plans. He uses the wisdom of this world to shame us, and the follies to build US up. It’s a tricky plan of action.
I do not understand it.
More and more, I’m comfortable with not understanding.
I’m honestly letting a lot of anticipation swell in my heart. Gods definitely got something going on… I’m excited I get a front row seat.
I think we should think about it that way. When God is frustrating our plans, and they’re OUR plans, it means we get a front row seat to witnessing miracles.
Last Summer was the biggest testing time I’ve experienced with letting God be in control of my life.
This time around, it’s not that it’s easy… it’s almost more exciting though. Because I’ve seen what He can do… and I am definitely on board for more.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Hold it
I should be asleep. How often my blogs begin this way. But really. I'm sick. It's too late to do this. But I promise I won't be long.
Blogging is something I will be doing more of. For sure. It's been too long. Yes, much as transpired these past weeks. Many things I haven't spoken about for the public eye. But oh, hush. It'll come out soon enough.
You all know I can't keep secrets. You who read these blogs. You'll be able to figure things out as they come.
There are a lot of things God's doing in my life, but many of them are more on the personal side. I'll be posting some rather vague blogs. So I hope you won't get upset.
I'm speaking as if I have an audience. Even if I don't, I like to pretend I do. Even if it's just me writing to myself and I.
So. I will be writing more. Hold your breath. You'll breathe soon.
Blogging is something I will be doing more of. For sure. It's been too long. Yes, much as transpired these past weeks. Many things I haven't spoken about for the public eye. But oh, hush. It'll come out soon enough.
You all know I can't keep secrets. You who read these blogs. You'll be able to figure things out as they come.
There are a lot of things God's doing in my life, but many of them are more on the personal side. I'll be posting some rather vague blogs. So I hope you won't get upset.
I'm speaking as if I have an audience. Even if I don't, I like to pretend I do. Even if it's just me writing to myself and I.
So. I will be writing more. Hold your breath. You'll breathe soon.
Monday, January 2, 2012
To say the least
I still am stunned at myself for only posting one stinking blog in all of December.
That was wild.
Anyway, I'm going to attempt keeping up a little better. I started this blog nearly two years ago. I'm so reflective, and I've hardly been able to reflect because so much has transpired over the past two months, it's honestly hard to keep up myself.
I was in NY for 4 days this past week. I went to visit Caleb in St. Louis for 3 days, and then went right to NY the morning after I got home from seeing Caleb. We had no internet and no cell phone reception. That was hard. But really cool, too.
God's really working on my heart in a few ways. It's really cool. You know... I am so comfortable not being in the know about things in my life right now. I love being taken by surprise so much more now, than I ever have been in the past. God keeps amazing me... I am so stunned, I just don't even know what to do. There are some things God has done in me this week, they're a little too personal to share, but He is doing miracles and I can hardly stand even thanking Him, because it's just not enough. I don't know what to do... I just don't.
I do not know what God is doing in my life. I am overwhelmed and my time with Him is thrown off... but I know He knows I'm just a little overwhelmed and hardly even know how to organize my life. Not that I'm letting myself off the hook with the importance of my relationship with my Jesus... that's not it at all. I just know God is saying, "Yeah... it's gonna take a little time figuring these new things out."
I'm in a sorting out process.
God is amazing me. I am speechless. I've waited to be. This is cool.
I'm thinking 2012 is going to be an exciting year to say the least.
That was wild.
Anyway, I'm going to attempt keeping up a little better. I started this blog nearly two years ago. I'm so reflective, and I've hardly been able to reflect because so much has transpired over the past two months, it's honestly hard to keep up myself.
I was in NY for 4 days this past week. I went to visit Caleb in St. Louis for 3 days, and then went right to NY the morning after I got home from seeing Caleb. We had no internet and no cell phone reception. That was hard. But really cool, too.
God's really working on my heart in a few ways. It's really cool. You know... I am so comfortable not being in the know about things in my life right now. I love being taken by surprise so much more now, than I ever have been in the past. God keeps amazing me... I am so stunned, I just don't even know what to do. There are some things God has done in me this week, they're a little too personal to share, but He is doing miracles and I can hardly stand even thanking Him, because it's just not enough. I don't know what to do... I just don't.
I do not know what God is doing in my life. I am overwhelmed and my time with Him is thrown off... but I know He knows I'm just a little overwhelmed and hardly even know how to organize my life. Not that I'm letting myself off the hook with the importance of my relationship with my Jesus... that's not it at all. I just know God is saying, "Yeah... it's gonna take a little time figuring these new things out."
I'm in a sorting out process.
God is amazing me. I am speechless. I've waited to be. This is cool.
I'm thinking 2012 is going to be an exciting year to say the least.
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