As long as you're next to me

So my Bible reading thing has been wonderful. I missed one day. But I'm on Day 21 today. I'm already in 1 Samuel. I've never read this much this quickly. Even when I was reading through the New Testament in April. It wasn't quite as much as this 90 day thing is.

There are some themes that God is pointing out to me as I read...

I think I relate to the Israelites in a few ways.

It's hilarious how they kept saying to God and to moses and whoever was leading them, "Aghhh why did you take us away from Egypt? We would have been much better off."

All that complaining. No wonder "the Lord's anger burned against them" was every other verse for book after book!

Well. Well well well. I think someone here might relate to that.

"God, why did I graduate early? Worst. Idea. Ever!"

Yeah, I might have said that... several times. I get so stressed out. It's not that I don't feel ready to go live my life. To go move away. To explore the world, and live a new story.

I just get scared. I miss the life I knew well. I miss the familiarity. I miss knowing what I was doing even just the next day. But everyday my plans change. It's scary. It's exciting much of the time, but I'm constantly blind to what is going on.

So, the word "trust" has a much different meaning now. Like my new song The Only Thing...

"The only thing I know, is that I don't, is that I don't know," And "Maybe uncertainty is where I'm supposed to be, as long as you're next to me."

Maybe so. Most likely so.

So, like the Israelites complained even about being taken out of bondage and slavery... I complain about being taken out of Greenville. Greenville was my home. Where most of my friends were. Where I felt security. Where I planted so much of myself.

But it was time to go. It was time to move on.

And I believe God is leading me to a Promised Land. A land I couldn't have created, no matter how much of myself I "planted." I don't even know where it is. Much like the Israelites.

I understood their confusion and irritation with their limited knowledge. And limited faith.

My faith is so small right now. Maybe it's always been this small. Or maybe I've just never had to trust this much.

Standing next to a skyscraper never makes me feel very big.

So that's something God's speaking to me with.

I plan on sharing more soon. I gotta read though tonight before my eyes shut...

Deeply

And! I want you all to know... I deeply desire to go to Europe. Ever so badly.

I'm the mom

Some of you may think I'm insane, but one of the biggest things I'm excited about in the whole "living on my own" spectrum... is grocery shopping. I'm planning on being a beast. I'm also absorbing knowledge on how to use coupons the best I can. So I can save my little family (there will only be a few of us under one roof for the first time in all our lives aside from college) as much monayyy as I can. Cause I'm just gonna make myself the mom.

Yay.

Some truths

Truth:

I have never been so hungry for wisdom as I am right now.

Another truth:

It's kinda really awesome to be so dependent on God with my "plans." I am terrified.

Yet another:

I'm honestly praying that God wrecks my plans if anything I'm planning isn't His best. I hope it hurts. I hope it drives me mad. I hope I cry, and can't even swallow my peppermint tea. Bottom line: I hope it gets my attention, and that I can be filled with peace knowing that God's plans are better than my original interpretations.

Ok, those are my thoughts for the day. Byeee

Veni

Today at church was so beautiful.

Pastor Harry has been speaking about the Trinity and today specifically about the Holy Spirit.

It is unspeakable the work the Holy Spirit can accomplish when He possesses us.

Pastor Harry said, "It's not just about 'having' the Holy Spirit, it's about the Holy Spirit 'having' you."

How profound is that. How earth shakingly true is that?

Today the Holy Spirit swept through my church. In a way that freed and broke us. In a way that empowered and blessed. In a way that brought joy and peace, and beauty.

The Lord spoke to me while I watched so many people come forward for prayer today. Like He was sharing a piece of His heart while we both watched the scene.

"You are so beautiful," I felt like He was speaking. "My bride is so beautiful."

Like as He was watching His church, His bride come forward and pray for each other, He was glorified and in return He blessed us. And was taken by the beauty.

I felt like God was adorning His bride, and pouring His Spirit out on her, on us. I felt the Lord's delight over His beautiful bride. So much joy. So much love. It was unbearably moving...

I think I've been entirely guilty. I think I've limited myself. Or more, I've limited how much the Holy Spirit can possess me. I think I've kept it one sided. I had the Holy Spirit, but I didn't always allow the Holy Spirit to have me.

I think there's something new I'm gonna start saying when I wake up everyday. It might sound funny, but sometimes when I pray, I use Latin and Greek words. And "Veni Spiritum Sanctum" means "Come Holy Spirit." But I think that's gonna become a daily thing. I want it to be.

My girl

Watch my girl Blakeley. She's amazing. And pray she gets this job she's auditioning for... it'd be sweeeeeet.

Divine

So... there's something God is teaching me. And true to my form... I like telling people.

So, there are a thousand million things that I do not know about my future right now. I hardly know what will happen tomorrow. I am a planner. I hate this. I have so much ambition, that if a dream were an arrow, I'd shoot better and more consistently than Legolas. Because I'm the boss.

Haha... I'm not the boss, but my personality, I act like I am. Sometimes I feel like I am. At least of myself.

Well, I feel like God's maybe hitting me with an arrow right now.

And if His arrows are dreams too, He's telling me that I'm His dream.

And if I want to live my life for His glory, for His dreams and not mine, then following a path I did not map out for myself is not such a stretch.

Also... how many times I've been going to God pulling my hair out and saying, "Oh my gosh, I just need to hear form you. I just need to know what's going on."

And you know the response I'm getting?

Nothing really.

Except this. Which I've understood under completely different context.

"I don't give you more than you can handle."

That's usually about temptation and hard times. God won't give us what we can't handle.

Well, I think God's telling me "Shai, I'm not giving you more because this is what is good for you to know right now. "

That is not an answer I can give to the hundreds of people asking me, "So what's next for you Miss College Graduate?" Our culture is all about knowing things at a time convenient for questions like that. Convenient for ourselves. According to ourselves.

So. I think I'm in a struggle with that right now. And it's really kind of wonderful. It's something that is so freeing and relaxing...

I honestly have felt a lot of peace when some things have fallen through lately. Because I feel like I'm at such a loss that when things wreck my plans it's a chance for God to redirect me, or the actual redirection itself. And I'm open to any direction at all. Even if it's a 180.

So that's it right now.

The character of God is consistent. He doesn't give us more than we can handle. No more temptation than we can handle, no more frustration, no more confusion, and no more knowledge than we can handle.

What God has chosen not to reveal to us at a given time is divinely orchestrated. So enjoy the orchestra with the instruments currently playing. Divine.

When I hear

...something worth sharing, I usually do.

Read it.

http://www.jonacuff.com/blog/how-do-you-get-paid-for-doing-your-dream/

Concepts

Also... I think I mentioned how a friend of mine, Storm Sharrett, and I had been cowriting a lot at school. We're planning on continuing to work together, which is definitely difficult, but very cool. We made some good progress today on a song called "Taking." It is most lovely. I enjoy it very much.

I love stretching myself through working with people with different strengths and weaknesses. It pushes me.

Also, I love cowriting with people who don't let me use any "filler" lines. People who are as critical of my work as I am of theirs. But the people who also match my weaknesses with their strengths. And then in the end, we're so much better and learn how to be better in the areas we were never very strong in.

It's very cool.

Anyway, we're keeping a blog. Or more I tell Storm to update it and he does. Well, that only happened once. But here is our blog. I've decided to call our work my side project... my focus is what Zach and Caleigh and I are working on. Anyway, Storm and I call ourselves Concepts. Because when we write and discuss lyrics, it comes up without fail... "Maybe not that exact line... but the concept."

And so goes the writing process with Concepts.

Here's the blog:

http://conceptsproject.tumblr.com/

And here is the facebook page. Like it!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Concepts/224188547593218?ref=ts


Maybe we'll get a song up sometime soon. T'would be exciting:)

In between

Ok! Update!

My life is just madness right now. What a bizarre time... sometimes I'm not sure where I belong at the moment. Like, am I an "adult"? I've been putting resumes together and applications for big girl jobs. I feel like throwing lots of rocks in my pond a few block away. Just keep throwing until the water's dry. Sort of like my throat. Would you believe that I'm still sick? This thing is lingering like the ache in my heart when I think about all the people I miss so much spread all over the country.

My days are extremely unusual. I do not have a normal schedule. The things that have been constant have been songwriting (song a day still going strong!), and reading my Bible (day 11!), journaling a crazy ton (Almost done a whole journal since getting back to Jersey), and running fairly often. Today I was so tired when I was running... seriously, I was drenched in sweat too. It felt fantastic to finally shower and get in sweats. Like, fo reeal.

I think a year ago around this time I mentioned how I went in to BCC (my old school) and got to speak about homeschooling in one of my old teacher's classes, Teaching As A Profession, a class I took at the end of my sophomore year of college. I did it again today, and got to meet with Mrs. Furness afterwards for lunch. It was so sweet. So wonderful to meet with old friends, and people who've helped me get to where I am today.

I've been struggling a lot with this strange phase of life. Honestly, I don't know that I've ever felt so off balance this often. I love being in the swing of things. I love adventure, and new things, and going full force on to the next things. But it's the in between stuff that seems to make me stick to the floor like there's tar on my heels.

Which reminds me of these incredible shoes I just got. Real vintage. I'm obsessed. I have a new passion. As if this heart of mine could handle one more thing to be passionate about. Have mercy.

Anyway, the back and forth questioning of what is going on in life is so draining.

Reading my Bible as much as I have been to do this 90 day thing has been one of the best things this summer. It's only June 8th. It feels like I've been home a long time. I suppose I've already learned a lot. Some days feel like they last 5 days. But then some feel like they last a few hours. Then at the end of a week, I feel like pulling my hair and saying, "THAT WAS ONLY ONE WEEK!?"

And. I desperately need a job. Praise the Good Lord for the few students I have this summer. Without them... I'd be going absolutely crazy.

Ok. Something I want so desperately to do, is go thrifting at Villiage Thrift. I want to go thrift shopping so badly. And that place is thee best, ok? Everything is like 70 cents. Perfs, yo.

Please listen to this song. It's one of the songs Sarah, Katie and I would listen to in the dark with our eyes closed like I mentioned a few posts ago. It was one of our favorite songs, and I feel somewhat close to it right now. Cause I'm somewhere in between.



So... this is my update thus far.

Cheese goes nicely with that

I just wrote a song called "I Like You." I laugh sometimes. I write the cheesiest songs!

My vocals are sort of MIA right now. I mean they're there, but I almost wish they weren't. Cause I'm still sick. It's ridiculous how long this hoarse voice, cough, congested thing is lasting. I hate it.

Anyway. This song is hilarious to me. I even make a Facebook reference.

But. I really like it. A lot. Maybe I'll post it soon.

Again. If you're a writer... set goals for yourself. Cause it's just so cool to be writing so much.

Ok bye.


PS
Watch this video. Two of these guys are Gville grads. So funny. It will explain my title and my reference in this blog about my cheesy songs.

I Have Seen the Lord

This is a song I wrote with Storm Sharrett in April. I think I probably talked about it, but this song was such a huge Godthing. In April I was reading through the New Testament, and I started praying that God would give me songs to write about Him. I started writing this song, and got stuck pretty quickly. Storm and I worked on it together, and finished it. We did it for Vespers the night after we finished it, which was so cool, because it fit in perfectly with everything else that night.

My parents were fasting and praying together over the Good Friday service the day Storm and I finished the song. My dad wasn't sure how to close his message for the service. When Storm and I were writing this song, we were so prayerful as we worked on the song separately and then coming together to work on it was awesome. I sent the song to my parents that Wednesday, and sent the lyrics with it. I woke up the next day (Thursday) with a text from my dad asking me if when I was home the next day, if I could close the service singing I Have Seen the Lord. He said it was unreal how perfect it was with his message.

When I was home for Laura's wedding, I came home on Good Friday. I was absolutely stunned with how many words in I Have Seen the Lord were the key words in my dad's message. It was astounding. God was so incredible... He blessed me so much by sharing his heart and creating a song in my heart. God used Storm too, as we collaborated over basically the entire thing.

So I wanted to share this song with all of you, because I think it's something God is speaking to me and to all of us. I don't feel like I "wrote" or "cowrote" this song in some ways, because I literally feel like I inherited it. Like it was something placed on me. More like just a song I got to sing.

So here are the words, and the video is from Vespers the day after we finished writing it.


There was bondage
Braided into the life I lived
You broke the chains away

There was darkness
In the dawn of everyday
You were calling out to me

But I knew it when you said my name
The stone was rolled away

Chorus
I have seen
I have seen
I have seen the Lord 2x

I was burdened
By the blood you spilled
To reconcile my weak and weary bones

You were buried underneath
The weight of all our wrongs
When mine alone could keep you down

But I knew it when you said my name
The stone was rolled away

Chorus

Bridge

No more darkness no more pain
It's all behind
Out of hiding out of shame
I'm justified
Oh for grace you said my name
You recognized me

Dream in white

It's 2:28 a.m.

I should be asleep, huh? My song a day thing has been awesome though. I sit down to write a 10 minute song of lyrics. But all these melodies are going crazy in this head of mine. I do have a head. It was probably hard to tell cause my hair was crazy and wild and curly today. I loved it. I felt like a woman. That's besides the point.

I'm also sick. I can't sing very well right now. I usually can't sing at all in times like these, nor do I have a desire to hear the congested version of Shai singing.

But God's blessed my music so much lately. I've written 3 full songs since Sunday with music and everything. Sure they'll be rewritten and edited and all that jazz, but such is life. I've written full lyrical songs too every day in between the others too. I'll try to record them and post some if I get to it, and if my voice cooperates.

Tonight I wrote a song in about 35 minutes. That's crazy... I mean it happens sometimes, but not 3 times in 5 days. The song tonight is called Know You. The one I wrote last night is called Rush. And Dreadfuls is the other one from Sunday.

That's my update.

God's blessing this thing. It's really cool. Do it... set goals to stretch yourself and the gifts He gives you. He blesses it. It's so cool. It's so so cool.

And maybe I'm a silly girl, but I love these lines in the song I just finished: "Close your eyes, I'll sing you a lullaby- you can breathe easy and dream in white." As in purity. Like don't awaken love until it so desires. Sleep in the arms of Jesus, with your heart anchored in Him, and dream in purity. Dream in white. And I'll sing you a lullaby. Whoever you are, my Sweet.

Goodnight world.

Cats

I miss my Greenville friends. I'm just letting you know.

If you don't understand, maybe watching this video will help you get a better idea of why Gville people are extremely missable.

Come near

This just occurred to me: I bond with people through music.

Today I am sick. I feel like a bright blue balloon that was blown up too much and tied too tight with bright red string. You see, these colors when placed together and colored too brightly make my eyes sore. Blessed be the color bind ones in times like these. And also, yes, I feel as though my head and face is blown up. Put those two together: no good! No dice!

So, today I skyped with one of my best friends in all the earth, Sarah Sharpe. She is fab my friends, most fab. She's in Nicaragua right now with her family. They're missionaries. Anyway, we skyped for 3 hours and 22 minutes. Fab!

And we talked about music and listened to music and stuff. Sarah, Katie (our 3rd musketeer) used to turn off the lights, lay on the floor, and listen to music. It would cause us to be emotionally ready for the musical experience. We'd feel subject to the journey. We couldn't see. It was dark. So all of our senses turned to listening and hearing, and receiving the music.

I realized today the truth of the fact. I bond with people through music. I make things musical all the time. Even if to the normal person, they are not musical at all. It's like I'm inviting people in, to become nearer and dearer to me.

So, yes. We listened to music today.

Sarah is probably my longest and most devoted fan in regard to my own music. She and Katie have songs I've written recorded from when I was 14 or 15 on to now. Sarahs musical herself, but it's more of a hobby than a professional passion.

That sounded funny.

If passion were a profession, I think it'd come naturally for me. That's be cool. "Hey, I'm a professional passionate."

Ok, I think you all believe I'm a sickling now. I'm gonna go now.

Happy June!