Five

A mere two days passed, and Zach and I found ourselves in Caleb's dorm. We watched How I Met Your Mother and some other people joined in.

I left midway through.

That Sunday, May 16th, I sat in the DC for dinner with some friends. Some of these friends were from Third Oak. Zach's floor. Caleb's floor.

And then. It happened. Jay Yousef. One of my best friends at Greenville... he spoke. He spoke the words. He spoke the words that spurred me into a frenzy.

Apparently Caleb had a crush. And this crush was not on me. Jay suspected this crush anyway...

That's all it took.

I had things to say. Oh did I have words... they were gushing. Bulging. I could have screamed. I made my way across Scott Field. Oh, I had things to say. I felt bold. I felt strong.

I knew the truth. Son of a gun, Caleb Arb... I know what your face said. I read every word. Like the skin disease I was so afraid of on my face... I saw it on your face. And it was unmistakable.

I couldn't say I'd missed the truth.

So where was I going? To him? To set the record straight?

Oh heavens no.

I opened the door, and sat down at the piano. I lifted my hands, and let them fall wherever they were going to.

The song flew.

Too Much was written that night. In a mere 30 minutes or so. Never had a song felt so good to write. It was exactly what I needed to say.

And say I would. At our show the following night. A song not 24-hours old. And would Caleb be there? You bet he would be.

And would he ask me to study with him again that night, after hearing that song? Yeah. Yeah he would.

Would I be even more confused? Yeah. Yeah I would.

But did it matter? Not quite.

Four

Now, to continue on...

By this point in the story, I am gung ho about Caleb Arb. I began to notice when he went to the DC and when walked to class at the same time I did.

DISCLAIMER: I was NOT a stalker. Greenville is small. And we had many mutual friends. 

I walked to class one day in my Red Capulet sweatshirt, the hood over my head. It was raining, and I rolled up my jeans so they didn't get soaked under the flip flops. I looked up, and saw Caleb on his way to an early morning class as well. I waved, probably too excitedly. Whatever. I'm a goof.

We had another Library Study (date). It was Thursday, May 13th.

This time, I could not contain myself.

The flirting was natural. It felt amazing. I could not get enough of this guy. It was just so easy. We studied for an exam that night.  He told me he learns best when people quiz him. So I quizzed him. We got along so well... I couldn't stand it... I loved being with him.

We goofed off, and teased each other, all the while actually accomplishing a good amount of studying. Who does that!? This was rarer than a blue moon. I... was happy. Recall my nerd tendencies...

Caleb would put on Paramore and "Airplanes" because he knew I loved it. We'd bop our heads ever so slightly.

Later that Thursday night, Caleb and I decided we'd meet up at go to Vespers (the awesome student-led chapel) together.

I went back to my dorm, and went to Vespers. I didn't text him, I just went. I figured I'd see him there, and we'd sit together. Couldn't be too eager.

But I didn't see him. So I sat by myself towards the back.

Sometimes that's just nice.

So worship started. I didn't know where Caleb was, but I didn't mind. The small part of me that was sad I hadn't seen him was overpowered by a desire to seem cool.

Excited to see you?! Noooooo. I'm more mature than that.

But in all seriousness. I was happy to take a moment to myself, and not obsess over anything or anyone.

I had my eyes closed at some point. And then they opened. And there was Caleb. Next to me. With his eyes closed. And his hands raised.

This moment is so clear in my mind...

I took in the vision of him, without him knowing.

 I closed my eyes again, and kept singing.

It was so easy to be next to him in worship. It could sound corny, and maybe my Pastor's daughter side is showing... but that's so precious to me... I can't even explain it.

Studying with him and being successful: phenomenal. Being able to worship besides someone without being self conscious or uncomfortable: a speechless kind of awesome. Something I hadn't exactly experienced very much.

When worship was over, Caleb and I looked at each other. It was such a striking moment. Nearly paralyzing. I remember feeling something towards him... such a stirring in my heart. I just loved being next to him.

The moment passed, and we sat down.

All through Vespers, it was so comfortable. We'd whisper thoughts here and there during the message.

A closing song began...

Caleb is no singer... but I liked hearing him sing.

Caleb had spoken at Vespers a few months before. I was sick. And opted not to go. At that moment I wished I had seen him speak. He must have been so good...

After Vespers, I borrowed Caleb's article to write a summary on. I met him between our dorms as it rained lightly... He hugged me and said "Have a good night,"

I loved it.

When I got inside, I wrote in my journal. Wouldn't you like to know what I wrote...

Three

To continue on in my story-telling... I must own up to some things. There are certainly details I will leave out, but others are just too hilarious and unnecessary to avoid.

...Like when I threw my pending crush on someone else. As in, accused someone else of having a thing for Caleb. Dodge the bullet. Escape the spotlight. Get away clean.

I lived on the 3rd floor of Burritt East. Room 312. The girls on my floor were literally family. We all assumed roles of different Disney Princesses. I was Jasmine. We had Fortune Cookie Tuesday, and it was the custom to simply walk into another's room and sit down and just be. We'd go outside for the first snow of the season in pajamas and hilarious outfits. Occasionally we'd find the Hobo in the Hallway (Katie). We had dance parties where we choreographed work outs (dancercise), and excellent routines. Whitney and I would write songs in the kitchen and bathroom and prayer room, and occasionally our own rooms at 4am. We would perform our songs for the girls while they took showers. We would gather, and watch Disney movies, and Friends. Often times it'd be in Ali's and my room. We had the biggest room. I call Ali Francine. So, just take note of that.

One evening, I had asked my brother, Zach, if Caleb was dating anyone. I did so in a very casual, tone, as if to say, "wait, Isn't he dating so-and-so?" Clearly avoiding the attention on me, and successfully casting it all on the information I pretended to be confirming.

The truth was, I just wanted to make sure the scene was clean.

Zach told me, "I don't know, maybe... he's really kept to himself about who he's interested in, if he's interested in anyone."

Drat. No information. Right? Wrong.

What I gathered from this shut-down conversation was actually quite workable. Caleb isn't girl-crazy. If he were girl-crazy, he hid it well, and didn't go after girls "out loud," which I appreciated. We all know those people... the ones that like a new person every week. The thing is, probably all college students notice someone new every week or so. The difference is, no one calls you a flirt if you don't tell anyone unless the "new noticed person" has been noticed for a while and it's a solid interest.

So. This meant to me, that Caleb was respectable. Wise, even. I liked what I heard.

The possibility that I could be the "new noticed person" of the week was ever in my favor. Until he became interested in someone enough to pursue "out loud" and own up to the interest, I had a chance.

Back on my floor, Whitney decided she would make a status that she was in a relationship. The zinger: she was not. Thee ceaseless hilarity of college life... what we do when we get bored.

"Ohhhh this would work perfectly..." I plotted in my head. I don't recall exactly the scheming that went down...  but I know I convinced everyone on the floor, and my brother, that Whitney was dating Caleb Arb.

I had no idea anyone was on to me.

I didn't think anyone knew Caleb.

We'd all sat around the hallway a week or so before I announced Whitney's new love.

"What's your favorite style on a guy?" I had prompted.

We shared views.

"I like light jeans, and belts, and t-shirts. Sweatshirts... Oh, and hats!"

Caleb. Arb.

But nobody knew him, right? I was safe.

Nope. Everyone knew.

But I didn't find that out for quite some time.

Chapter 2

Caleb and I, at some point, decided we should probably study together for some exams and papers for COR 302.  I left the ball in his court.  I was quite "pleased" when he walked up to me in front of my whole table in the DC (dining commons) and asked me for my number so we could study that night.

That night, Caleb? Eager are we? Not that I minded...

I decided I would change what I was wearing. I wanted to look and feel refreshed. I changed out of my gray t-shirt and into a white shirt. kept the jeans, though.

I realized I was a few minutes late as I walked across Scott Field to the library. I figured this was a great approach. Not too eager to get to him, but casually getting over there. Just then, my phone buzzed.

"Shaina, where are ya in the building?" Caleb had texted me.

Number one: I LOVED how he used my name. That was something I noticed about Caleb. He uses people's names. I figured he must like when people use his name too, so I tried to use his name when I talked to him. I also figured that must mean if he likes using names, he's verbal. And likely his love language was words of affirmation. I kept these things to myself.

I let him know I was walking in, and found him on the 2nd floor.

Crap. He was changed into a gray shirt and jeans. We could have matched! I quieted my inner musing.

I set down my computer, and we began our paper writing and studying.

I had my presuppositions that Caleb was smart, because I knew he was a year ahead. I knew people thought I was smart for being two years ahead, though I knew I wasn't a genius, I still looked on that favorably. I also knew he took things seriously because he did in class. His presentations were always good, and he seemed like one of those guys who didn't have to try very hard to do well, but worked hard anyway.

As we were typing up our papers, I felt really calm. I liked that we could do our own thing and not be distracted or distracting by or to each other.

This is a huge deal to me. I like smart people. I like having intelligent conversations. I like people who can correct my papers. I'm telling you, it got so old when people would just assume I was so incredibly smart that I didn't need anyone to proof my work. I don't know where people got that idea. I did well, sometimes, but I needed proof reading.

So Caleb proofed my draft, as I proofed his.

"Shaina, this is really good," he noted while smiling as he scrolled down.

I tried so hard to control my own smile. He made me feel proud. It was different than people just assuming my paper was good.

"This is really good so far, Caleb," There. I used his name.

He made some corrections. Such satisfaction!

Caleb Arb, you can correct my spelling any time you want...

This was comfortable.

I decided to run with it.

So I glared at him.

How dare you make corrections!

Oh it's on Caleb Arb.

I erased some of his bad grammar.

As I read his paper, I realized, yes. He is indeed one of those people who is just smart without trying. His grammar... could use some encouragement in some areas. So I made took the liberty.

 He looked up at me... I promised his paper was fabulous, and that I was just rewording things.

So the "studying" turned into two college juniors flirting over two computers as we made corrections on each other's papers.

I struggled greatly. When I laugh really hard, it can easily and all too quickly become sobbing. Some people get nervous they'll accidentally snort. Me? Oh no... buckets of tears and I-can't-breathe-or-speak-because-I'm-laughing-too-hard.

 I was dying... I was so giddy and so excited to be exactly where I was.... but becoming more and more terrified that the flush in my cheeks would turn into a skin disease that would write across my forehead "I'm falling for you Caleb Arb!"

My acting skills from high school were my best friends as I'd somehow managed to get back to work. Every few minutes I'd catch Caleb's eye if I made another correction on his paper. I'd start laughing. SON OF A GUN SHAINA!

We switched computers and started working on our own papers. Study (unofficial) Date One: Complete.

Could I sleep that night? I think not.

Chapter 1

I like telling stories. Especially when they're recalling memories of the man I'm going to marry, and myself from before things really started.

I've decided I'll tell stories. No one may read these memories but our families, and Caleb. That's ok with me. I just want to reflect. It makes me appreciate where I am in life when I reflect on the context. When I remember the path that brought me here.

Now, it was Spring semester 2010. I was taking COR 302, Science and Christianity with Prof Zahniser. I blogged a lot about that class, actually. It was soon that I realized this class would be difficult. It was a lot of thought-provoking stuff. It was very intense at times, debating some really tough subjects. At a Christian school, it can be deceiving the views shared by students and professors. Often, I'd disagree with the views we discussed.

There were not many conservatives in the class when it came to some subjects.

I sat in the front row.

I sat there because my friends sat up there, and they enjoy the front. I did not. But I didn't have that many friends at the time. I was rather quiet. Coming out of a season in my life, I was only just starting to extend myself to other people. I don't like the front of the classroom. I like experiencing the rest of the class, not turning my back to them.

Behind me a few rows back, sat Caleb Arb. I knew that guy. He was my brother's RC. I didn't really know him. I saw him around. He seemed very cool. I liked how he was so kind to people, my brother included. He was so nice to me and my family when Zach moved in the previous Fall. Zach would tell me how he would go to Caleb for advice at times, and that Caleb was really trustworthy.

The first few times I heard Caleb respond to a pressing debating question in that class, I liked what I heard. It was encouraging. Sometimes I felt I was on my own debating certain things. Let's be real. Science and Christianity can seem like they truly butt heads. When you believe they don't, how can you speak clearly and convincingly that both science and my faith compliment one another?

There were times in that class that met 3 times a week, where I would say something, and falter a bit. And then Prof Zahniser would call on Caleb, who I'd listen to while facing forward more often than not.

"I agree with what Shaina said..." Eureka! Maybe I was actually making sense!

So I decided I'd return the favor and name drop back when appropriate.

"I agree with Caleb..."

Now at this point, I simply liked him like I like chocolate milk. I appreciated him. He made me feel affirmed in that class while much of the time I struggled to articulate my thoughts. I get particularly passionate when it comes to subjects concerning my faith and world views and science. I would talk a lot. And so did Caleb. Or so I remember.

Towards the beginning of that semester, I was in another relationship. So the way I viewed Caleb was definitely more appreciative and friendly and only within the classroom. Just how I am. And how I was. I didn't really extend myself very far to girls at that time either.

During that semester when that other relationship ended, God really worked on my heart a lot. I started to call people to hang out. I started being more out going. I started to become more like myself again.

Towards the end of that semester, Caleb and I would back each other up in the class, from rows away from each other. I remember I started to look forward to the class because I looked forward to being around Caleb, and listening to him talk. He was so smart, and so passionate about his faith and how he viewed things. He was so personable, and out going.

I remember walking out with Caleb once.

"Hey Shaina, thanks for backing me up today... I feel like there aren't that many people that have the same views as us and its so hard to figure out how to say it...."

"I know, seriously... thanks for backing me up, too."

He was wearing his green sweatshirt. For some reason it just thrilled me that he talked to me. He was so genuine and I loved it. He affirmed my logic, which I would always feel self conscious of. I thought he was so smart. I'm not as smart as everyone thinks. Sure I was ahead in college, and a lot younger than people in my class. But I often felt I didn't have anything more to offer than the people 2 years before me. He made me feel affirmed.

One night, I had a dream. I dreamed I was sitting next to Caleb. I hardly remember the details, but he was holding my hand or something like that... then I woke up...and just like that... I could not get the guy out of my head. It drove me nuts. I wrote lyrics later... "Just because I dreamed of you... you think you belong in my head..." Who does this dream Caleb think he is... showing up in my dream. I was a little frustrated. Suck to me like glue.

At some point I gave a group presentation on abortion and the emotional side of it. I had spent some time on my hair and make up that day. Definitely not a habit of mine for morning classes. I remember feeling slightly sad when I saw Caleb was not in his chair when we started. About half way through our presentation, he walked in. He looked like he just rolled out of bed. I averted my eyes. I was nervous he'd see that I was relieved he was there. Nervous people around me would notice I perked up and probably spoke more confidently.

It was then I realized... but would never admit...Somebody's got a crush.

After class, I sat at Caleb's table with my brother. I called Caleb out on skipping my presentation.

He took a spoonful of his Lucky Charms and said, "I KNOW!!! I was so upset... I'm so sorry I missed some of it..." he had missed his alarm.

I was pleased with his response. After lunch I went to Adam Bros Coffee House down the road to study. I invited the whole table, and Zach said he'd meet me there. I was so satisfied when Caleb came out of his car, too when Zach pulled up.

I'll stop here. I'd call this appropriately Chapter 1.

Knowledge

Is it weird of me to feel the desire to document everything happening right now? I suppose some of the chaos in my heart the past few months was actually related to how I didn't know when we'd get engaged and when we'd get married... my lack of blogging sometimes just reflects my lack of knowledge or understanding of where my life is headed... or more when it's headed there.

In the time leading up to these moments in my life, I knew I wanted to be Caleb Arb's wife someday. I knew that. I prayed and hoped, and let's be honest... Caleb and I knew from very early on in our relationship it would last.

I remember talking to my mother years ago...

"Shaina, what about Caleb?"

"I love Caleb... but it's just never worked out. I know if we started dating though, neither of us could break up with each other... we love each other too much, we'd never let go."

One of those things...

"Caleb, what about Shaina?"

"Yeah no. If something started, it wouldn't end."

Yep. We both said the same thing to other people... maybe we knew a long time, but it just didn't make sense.

I'm willing to say that.

Now that I am free to say out loud, "I'm going to marry Caleb Arb!!!!" I just feel free...

Yes. I am female. I hate admitting it, I truly do. I don't like being girly and swoony and all "oh my gosh!"

But let's get real. There is no one more girly and more of a female than a Shaina in love.

I can try all I want not to melt and get teary, and smile like a total idiot... but it is impossible to quench.

So I'm just gonna give up and yield to the moment.

I intend to absorb it all, and experience it all.

So. Let me introduce myself.

My name is Shaina, and I am about to be the biggest sap you'll ever know. Pleased to meet you.

The Story

How do I begin the story of the best day of the rest of my life? How do you start the story that you tried to imagine since you were a little girl particularly skilled at stealing Mommy's lipstick? Do I say, "once upon a time..."? This moment in time did indeed happen once... but it will be on repeat in my head until the day I die. My goodness... it's good enough to be on the big screen in Heaven. If there's not a big screen up there, maybe this story will be inspiration enough.

Saturday August 18, 2012, I woke up, feeling my lovely mono sickness clinging to me like a baby monkey. I was visiting Caleb's family for the week which I had spent in bed due to getting diagnosed with Mononucleosis basically right before boarding my plane to St. Louis on August 9, against my doctor's wishes.

The plan was to go to the Arb Family Farm in Northern Missouri for the weekend, August 17-19, boating Saturday. So as the day wore on, I felt better bit my bit. Did you know there's natural light outside the walls of a bedroom where I lay in bed for hours and hours? And other people too. Numbers that astound.

Caleb had an ADD moment. He and his brother Mike drove the boat into the water, and took longer than necessary to park the car with the trailer. Lo and behold we found Caleb had accidentally hit someone and put out their tail light. "Strange," thought I, in my lazy haze. That wasn't like Caleb. He said he was "talking to Mike, and got distracted." Still, not like Caleb. So he left a note on the car he had hit, with his cell number to call to deal with the damage. Interesting.

The day on the lake was beautiful, and I slept and lay on the boat all day. The most energy I had expounded in weeks. I'm so cool. By the time we got back to the house, I was a little dizzy, and really tired. So Caleb told me to take a shower. "There's stuff to wash your hair with in there."

Now friends. I'd been hopeful to call Caleb my Fiancé for a bit. I've known I want to marry him for some time, and I was hoping we'd get a ring on it while I was visiting this month. Then the mono happened. If we went into the old Egyptian pyramids and unwrapped those mummies... they'd probably be alive and have mono. In fact, I think the only thing wrong with Frankenstein is that he must have had mono, too for all those bumps on his neck. They were probably bulging lymph nodes. Very pretty.

When Caleb told me I could wash my hair... the slow truth descended on me. Telling me to wash my hair basically means "Shaina, take a shower, and then look terrible." My hair has a mind of its own. Possibly several minds of its own. And none of these minds think alike.

Caleb had told me he wanted to take me star gazing that Saturday night. My heart perked up. Maybe, just maybe... if I can just look good... it could happen!

But no. I had to wash my hair. So I did. And changed into jeans and normal looking shirt. But Caleb wouldn't have that either. "Shai, what are you wearing that for? Get into sweats and be comfy tonight you need to rest especially after being out all day for the first time in a while."

That was strike two and three. Strike one: have bad hair. Strike two: don't wear nice clothes. Strike three: you need to rest tonight.

So Caleb sent me to bed to sleep for two hours so that I might regain some energy and maybe if I felt up to it we could look at the stars later that night.  And I slept. Deep. Hard. And my goodness, not long enough. I heard steps coming down the stairs two hours later, and felt the light come on.

"Lord, please don't let it be 9 o'clock yet. I'm too tired to get up." My plan was to argue with Caleb that I should just sleep the rest of the night because I was just so exhausted. I did not want to get up. I was actually pretty ticked.

"Shaina, it's time to get up..." Maggie (mike's girlfriend) walked up to my bed. I rolled over and looked at her as she went on to say "Caleb has a special date planned for you and he says to wear your blue dress. Your straightener is plugged in in the bathroom, here are your shoes, and here is your sweater."All things Caleb had stolen and packed since I didn't. Of course I didn't. I didn't need them. Duh.

I touched my still damp hair. Maggie grabbed a hair dryer.

Inner musings: Could it be? Shaina. Do not get your hopes up. Caleb is the most romantic person alive, and would do something sweet and romantic just because, any day of the year. And I have mono... he probably wouldn't want anything special to happen if I were still sick.

I got dressed. I was moving slow.

I started on my hair, but apparently took too long and Maggie had to help me while I considered putting make up on. "Should I?" Maggie's face was so emotionless as she paused then said, "I would."

She wasn't giving me any information to work with... she's normally so easy to read. What. Is going. On.

While Maggie was out of the bathroom... I saw my camera in my bag. Dare I record this moment? What if he doesn't propose, and Maggie hears me documenting (talking to myself for all she knows) through the door, and thinks I'm experiencing mono in the mental... I decided I'd take a picture of my hair half straightened with a "um hi" face in the mirror. Documentation: accomplished.

When I finished, Maggie told me she would be taking me out to Caleb. I walked into the kitchen, hoping no one would see me. I didn't know what was happening and didn't really wanna be seen. Caleb's cousin Greg was sitting on the couch and asked me if I wanted a beer. Strange question to ask, but I laughed and said no. I walked out the door behind Mags, and Justin (Caleb's brother in law) snapped a huge flash of a picture as I walked out.

Ok. That was weird.

Inner Musing (IM): Shai. Do not think hard about this.

Then I saw Caleb's mom on a 4-wheeler that was all decorated with flowers. "Your chariot awaits," she said.

Ok. It's getting weirder.

IM: Do NOT think.

I think at that point I realized I'd hardly spoken at all in the last 30 minutes, and that it wasn't because I had nothing going on in my head. I was just afraid to speak. Afraid to breathe. I don't think I did breathe, actually. It's amazing I'm alive. This is the part of the story we all realize God must have been involved because I am alive and (getting) well this day.

As Mrs. Arb drove me on the 4-wheeler to the lake on the property, I saw all these lights and candles all around the boat dock. I asked her, "What's going on?" And her response matched Maggie's: "Caleb's got something special planned for you,"

Sticking to the same story. Very crafty.

IM: Mind stops working.

We pull up to the boat dock, and there are tiki torches and candles everywhere. Mrs. Arb instructed me to walk out on to the boat dock, and be careful about the drop off because the water was low.

I followed the deep red rose pedals out onto the dock lined with tea candles to this big heart made of rose pedals. I walked, and asked, "wait, is there more dock? I can't see guys..." I nearly walked into 8 feet of water (definitely NOT the drop off to which Mrs. Arb was referring), but just before I did, a spot light lit up the lake and I heard someone start playing the guitar. And then I heard Caleb start singing...

Please wait while I slowly untie my tongue tonight
I pray by some feeble attempt my words would tell you
What my heart has to say

'Cause you've always been right beside me for so many days
How could I be without you now

'Cause I am changed by you
The more I get to know you, the more I want you close to me
And I'll take care of you
Please just say you love me, forever be whatever you need

And so if you're supposed to get what you deserve in life
And you came just in the nick of time, God's grace has overtaken me
My love needless to say I am blessed by you

'Cause you are the one
You are the one that I've been waiting for, I've been waiting for

And I am changed by you
The more I get to know you, the more I want you close to me
And I'll take care of you
Please just say you love me, forever be whatever you need

You knock my fears away and reach inside me with your eyes
And light a burning fire and I cannot stop staring

And I am changed by you
The more I get to know you, the more I want you close to me
And I'll take care of you
Please just say you love me, forever be whatever you need

Changed By You by Between the Trees. Our song.

On a canoe, slowly coming closer to me on the dock, Caleb sang and played for me. Caleb, not a singer and certainly not a music major at all... nothing could have been more brave... or beautiful. I heard his voice shake with nerves, and I hugged my arms to myself and searched for my locket. DRAT. I left it at Caleb's house. No need to bring it. I'd be on a boat or in bed the whole weekend.

IM: I need my locket!

Caleb got closer and closer to me, and finally got off the boat and stood on the dock with me.

He took my hands, and started saying words. 

Words. Words. What do they mean? What's happening? Why is that light so bright, and why is Caleb talking SO LOUD.

I thought Caleb was trying to lead me to stand in the rose pedal heart, but he stopped right before it, so I stopped trying to figure out what he wanted me to do, and paid him all my attention. He was so tense, and direct, and looking at me so intently, and so gently. 

He said a lot of things, but I remember these...

"On Valentine's Day, I wrote you 100 reasons why I love you. And everyday since, I've found another reason..." I think he said more things here, too... But then...

He reached into his pocket, and bent one knee... I realized I was blubbering at this point... 

I looked down at him, and he looked up at me and said, "Shaina, will you marry me?"

I cried and nodded yes, and then remembered to project the way he had been and said, "Yes!!" Out loud. 

And then we shared a hug, and a kiss... but there was something more in that kiss different than any other kiss. MONO. And THAT my friends, is how it's done. The love is true. 

Everyone started clapping and cheering, and Caleb turned me towards the lake where fireworks went off.

Caleb asked if I wanted to see the ring... The ring? Oh yes. That's part of this. 

OH MY GOSH IT IS GORGEOUS. It's perfect. It's better than I could have picked myself... 

Then, I don't know what came over me, but I slapped him on the chest because he had been confusing me for weeks. "I still need to talk to your dad...." "What's your ring size?" "I still need to get a ring..." "Why do you want to be engaged right now?" But then we hugged some more, and shared some more mono... I couldn't let go of him... 

Then out from the dark popped my best friends from college!!! Trina, my roommate from Greenville, and Blakeley, and Sarah who'd watched our entire story unfold from years ago (and she's newly engaged to Caleb's best friend... this is gonna be awesome)... and Caleb's entire family, his mom and dad (firework extraordinaire) , Mike and Maggie, and Nicole (his sister) and Justin, his Aunt Nancy and uncle and cousin... they'd all been in on it, and helping everything...

We took a ton of pictures and then I found that the entire shabang was video taped with multiple angles and with a mic!! Thanks to Devon and Ashley videographer extraordinaires!

And so yes... this was a long read. Thank you to all who read the whole thing...

The truth, though, is that this story is even longer. From the moment Caleb was born, and a year and a half later when I was born... our relationship has been bathed in prayer by our incredible parents and family.

From the first time I met Caleb (first guy I met at Greenville!) and noticed he had a cool piercing on the top of his ear like my brother Zach, to when Caleb just regarded me as the creepy smart girl two years ahead in college, God was shaping us toward Himself and toward each other.

From the time I realized I was disappointed when Caleb missed half of my presentation in COR 302 the end of our Junior year, to the first time Caleb asked me to study with him in the library.


From the first time Caleb wrote on my wall, to the time I took a chance with Trina besides me late in our dorm, and chatted Caleb  on facebook even though he never answered.

From the time Caleb walked into the Blackroom when I was performing a song with Zach that I wrote about Caleb, to the victory afterwards when he asked me to study with him that night.


From the time I screamed at myself mentally "Keep it together man!" (from Spongebob) when Caleb made me laugh so hard when we were "studying," to when I noticed he stared at a picture of the two of us a little longer than necessary right after New Years when he didn't know I was watching him.


From the time we hit the rail going 77 mph on I-70, to the moment I realized I'd be ok because Caleb had me in his arms.


From the first time Caleb and I skyped while he was in China, and I didn't even realize I didn't care that it was 3 am and I was losing sleep, to when my students noticed years later "Something is wrong with Ms. Williams. She's smiling and she never wears those pants." for the same lack of sleep reasons.

From the time I asked Caleb to be my date to the Jr/Sr because I didn't wanna go with some guy I had to impress, to when he strategically let me "fall asleep" on his shoulder on the way home while he "fell asleep" leaning on my head even though we were both awake.

 From the time Caleb ticked me off  and inspired me to write "Too Much," to the time I wrote a song called "Meet Me at My Door," three days before he surprised me and actually did meet me at my door and asked me to be his girlfriend 2 years after library study dates and never having heard the song.

From the time Caleb told me he loved me for the first time in Meramec Caverns, to the moment he put a diamond on my finger that was found in the Meramec River...

God was bringing us to today, to each other. And now to our wedding day, and the rest of our lives together. I'm so in love... I'm so overwhelmed... I'm about to join a family that couldn't be more wonderful, more Godly, more beautiful, loving, hilarious, perfect... 

I will end this blog with this: realities rush... it's almost too much for me... I am so blessed. So, so blessed. 

A mess

Oh, what a fragile mess we are.

Why do we all know the words, "I just can't handle it"?

Why do we so many times in life feel like we just can barely even make it to the end of our 9-5 days?

Why do we have sayings like, "TGIF" and "reached my limit"?

We are a fragile, fragile mess.

God's working on me. I know I'm as clear as a cloud and that my sense of hearing is weak, and maybe couldn't even hear a fog horn through the fog in my life.

I'm weak. Not just my sight and hearing.


Oh, so fragile we are.

Why is sickness such a problem? Why don't even doctors know what to do? Why can't we figure out what the verses in the Bible really mean? Why do we hurt people? Why don't we care about the things we say, when we easily say we'd take a bullet for that person? Why are there so many ideas for an answer to one simple question?

Why do we feel broken, and more broken, and more broken, and more broken... after a sin committed on repeat?

Why can't  we get a grip? Why are we an addicted, hurt, and bitter creation?

We are doomed.

We were from Day One. Or I guess Day Six if you think about it.

So. Here it is:

I'm nothing, can do nothing, will be nothing, without the Lord.

A cliche so overused, so overdone, it means nearly nothing to me. Until right now.

I dare you to literally consider every moment you felt drained today. Every person you saw who looked tired. Every second you felt like crying. Every time you wanted to flip someone off while driving. Every time you uttered a word you'd never teach your child.

Why.

We're fragile. We're a mess. We're broken.

If you go to a doctor and tell him or her your daily routine, you'll likely hear, "You're really doing too much. Sort through what you really enjoy and cut down on some things. You'll be a lot less stressed and healthier."

We literally build our lives around our limitations. And we consider it profession advice to remind us we are fragile. A reminder we're not God.

We are so entirely framed by our limits. We are literally fenced in with heaven-high rails.

Without Christ... we can accomplish nothing. We fail. We can't make it. And we think we accomplish the things we actually do accomplish.

Funny.

Haven't you seen a child with a toy who has no idea the trouble his father went through to find it, the money it took to buy it, the work it took the make the money, the factory that made it, the electricity needed to make the equipment work, the material needed to make it...

As far as that child knows... that toy is his. That's the end. There is no more.

As far as I know. I accomplished things today. There is no more.

I'm a fool.

We're a mess.

I've realized something. I have taken credit for accomplishments that were not for my glory. They were not due to my greatness. I had nothing to do with it. With anything.

So when I fail... what if I simply realized it's not my glory to take, nor my glory to lose?

If I did, would I relax more?

If I realized I'm spoken for, can I find freedom? Can I find release from my own desperation?

All it took for Moses to defeat the Amalekites, was lifting his hands up to the Throne of God (Exodus 17:16). An interesting reminder when I was running today, and the only relief from the cramps in my side was raising my hands over my head.

Every now and then the child in us sees our Father was the one who gave us that toy... we might not have toured the factory that made it... but we're looking in the right direction... grasping to the Throne of God...

I'm serious. Just look at our world... we're trying so hard. But we keep missing it. We keep. on. missing it.