We wait

I love the moments when I just sorta escape from myself and realize I'm happy. Or joyful rather. I've been having these moments a lot lately. It sort of scares me because I did this a lot at Greenville when I was about to graduate. Months before, but nonetheless. It makes me a little scared that a big change is coming. Almost like I just sense it, so my immediate response is to just soak this up.

Ok, so I have felt especially this year that my life will not be able to fit in a planned out scheme. I have felt like I have no place to rest my head. Not in a bad way at all. Just that I don't think I'll be in Jersey forever. And I'm happy here. I truly am. There are moments... I still only live and breathe in confusion most often. It's the water I swim.

But I have a growing awareness that a change is about to happen. Whether it be in a year, a month, or a day. Maybe I'll wake up in an hour to some crazy news. Who knows. But my spirit is stirred.

I'm aware again of the word God spoke to me last New Years. He has given me a new dream. To be honest, I'm not completely sure I can even pinpoint what the "new dream" is. I feel like I've been released to be released. As in, I don't need to live in a box. I don't believe I'm called to one place.

A friend shared in my Bible study how he knows he is called to stay in Jersey. And He hasn't left. He knew his calling was here, and still is.

M heart creaked like someone was walking on a shaky bridge. Because I can't balance my spirit "trying on" that calling. I just don't feel like I can embrace that.

God is teaching me to embrace where I am.

It screams at me, and nearly chokes me with the weight of freedom and conviction when I hear things like, " God can only use you where you are," and how we're called to love people, no matter where we are.

A great many things God has done in my heart this year.

I realize December starts next week. And so begins the exhaustive reflection of the year that is past, and yet still passing, moment by moment.

So. A new dream. To live my life no matter where I am. To love no matter how much it hurts to leave. To trust when the fog is so dense, all flights to understanding (or Nashville) are canceled. To spell words with alphabet soup that has gluten in it (therefore makes me sick). This is all metaphoric... mostly...

But some change is about to occur. I know it. And so we wait.

Praise the One who paid my debt

Yeah... so... something God is definitely challenging me with is my money. now that I'm actually making a little bit, all I wanna do is save it. I hate spending it. I have buyer's remorse and I just want to save it. I know what it's like to have nothing, and to have something makes me wanna just save everything, so that I don't have to deal with having nothing again.

So... I was thinking today as I was attempting to put make up on for a wedding I had like 3 minutes to get ready for...

As I wrestled with the brushes in eyeshadow, and tried not to spill it all over my clothes (I love thrift stores), I mentioned to God "You know, if I used all my tithing money, I could get out of debt..." student loans start in a few weeks...

So this seriously broke me... as I was half kidding with God about using "my" money for getting out of debt, He very strongly laid it on my heart that He already got me out of debt.

So my attention has been redirected... the only debt that matters is the one that has been paid with the blood of a spotless Lamb, and coated over me. Debt, now paid.

So yeah. That's my "two cents." In every sense of the phrase.

Green

OK there are a great many things I could blog about right now. I just got back from Nashville. I could write endlessly about the things on my mind. I am exactly female. I can talk for ever. My apologies.

But you know what? I'm not gonna write about that right now.

Because something is increasingly weighing on me.

Something God keeps bringing to my attention.

Over and over.

And over again.

I've said it before... to be satisfied with something, you have to have enough of it in you to be satisfied.

Ok... so you know how people say, "Jesus is enough for me. I am satisfied with God." And it's this heart-aching, gut-wrenching thing to say because with all your heart you want it to be true but it just feels like it's just not? You hate yourself for it, but it's the truth. You don't feel Him being enough. You don't feel satisfied. You still feel like you're left wanting.

I'm gonna be honest. I feel like that more often than not. I am constantly eating my fill, then expecting the magic fairy dust of intimacy with Christ to last a lifetime because of one time with God in the night.

A relationship is work. We all know this. We've experienced what it's like to "do all the work."

And I constantly leave all the work to God.

What I'm getting at, is I want to be satisfied. All the time. At every moment. Not just at random moments... gosh I just truly long for the other side of heaven... when I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Tonight that Psalm I've heard a thousand times and again means something sweet. He is my Shepherd, and I will not want. I will not grow tired and give up on my constant pursuit of my Savior. I will be satisfied because I am full of Him. He gives me peace, He gives me rest. The leaves are frozen off the trees, but His grass is green. And I will dwell in His house forever... gosh I just can't wait for that.

Psalm 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Here I am...

So God just did something cool.

I just got in bed. I am exhausted.

I got in bed after I meant to. I had a lot to do tonight...

So... a song starts playing in my head. The words come easily.

I've never heard this song before.

Yes... God chose a perfect time when my distractions are melting away... a perfect time to give me a song.

So I realized something. Or more I believe it's a Godthing, that He just bonked me on the head with...

I can say "here I am Lord, send me!" And sometimes that means only a few feet away to my piano in the middle of the night.

So I only wrote a chorus and a bridge. But maybe that's all He had to give me tonight.

And it sounds slightly like some other stuff I've been working on. However, just as I shouldn't complain if God brings me to a new and weird place, or an old familiar place, He is genuine and authentic, and perfectly, awesomely in control. If my songs sound like something else, so be it. He is giving me music, and I will sing it.

There's another thing. God is communicating with me. He communicates with me through music, quite often. He knows me... He knows I listen when it's sung. Like I can't accept something I'm going through until it's a melody. It's just me... I'm a dork sometimes. But I love how God humors me like this. And I'm not saying I find it funny He chose when I'm falling asleep to speak pretty melodies to me. In fact, I am rather unamused. I'm a little angry actually.

But. That's gonna be a new thing for me. Here I am Lord. Send me. To my piano. Whenever You see fit.

Stick uh gum

God is so organized. As a teacher, I am more and more aware of how organized God is. And how unorganized I am. Trying to keep track of what my students have learned, are struggling to learn, and have not learned… I get behind.

God is so organized in my life in how He teaches me one thing, and then keeps it as a theme for more things as He takes me deeper.

I recently wrote about Moses. You know… I had dubbed Moses actually really differently than a lot of people tend to. I guess I’ve always seen him as the underdog. The unlikely candidate for some huge God stuff. I know he was called the most humble man alive at some point. That’s cool. But I guess I just assumed that was cause he knew he didn’t have much to offer without God.

Basically, I saw him as lowly, and never really saw how powerful of a Man of God he was.

Exodus 33:15 says “… if your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.”

Moses found his strength and his fullest desire met with the presence of God. To the point that he was not willing to let the presence of God depart from him, even if that meant staying put where he was in the middle of nowhere with the Israelites who would never stop complaining about anything.

He was satisfied with the presence of God.

As a teacher, I think about my students. They complain all the time. They complain about things I know are silly. I know better. Moses knew better too when the People wouldn’t stop nagging him.

But he was still satisfied. Moses was still satisfied with the presence of God. He would rather stay where he was, likely making the Israelites even more upset. As long as the presence of God did not flee from them.

I imagine what kind of radical faith that takes… I don’t know that I have that. I love my students. Truly, I do. So don’t misread this example. But would I choose to stay teaching and working with all these kids nonstop instead of get time to breathe? If the presence of God were the differing factor? I like to think I would. I want the presence of God to satisfy me that deeply.

The word satisfied makes me think of Thanksgiving. When we’re satisfied, and needing nothing ( as in food), we usually sorta just chill and hang out with the fam, right? We appreciate just being together. Somehow the word “satisfy” just makes me think of that moment we all retire into watching the game, reading, just talking or laughing with family…

Satisfy comes from a Latin word which means enough or sufficient. It means we’re lacking nothing.

How satisfied am I with the presence of God? Am I filled enough to BE satisfied in the first place? What would it take for me to be filled with the presence of God, so that I am satisfied?

I’m not satisfied like I am on Thanksgiving when I just grab a protein bar before I head to work.

I’m not satisfied when I pop in a piece of gum to distract me from being hungry when I’m working a long day.

And so can be my relationship with God. Like a stick of gum.

Adorable

Quotes of the day:

"Ms. Williams? WHEN are you finally gonna get married?"

"I don't know! When God brings me the right guy!"

With an adorbs sincere and encouraging facial expression...."Don't worry Ms. Williams. You'll find someone someday. I know it."

It was precious coming from one of my adorable 7-year-old boys. I'm not really worried, but it was precious.