Dreadfuls

This is the song I mentioned yesterday. Please, be merciful. I am no recording engineer, and my garage band work is by no means wonderful.

I think I'm gonna start posting more of my songs though, because it's just like blogging... I'm sharing what's on my mind. The only difference is a song is more musical.

Here are the words



Dreadful
The darkness
That surfaces the deep
Mindful
The spaces
I hushed, they tried to speak

Pre
Dreadfuls in my hands
They try to fill the cracks

Chorus
Separate
The black and the white
The darkness from the light
The dreadful dusts ignite
Delegate
The wrongs and the right
The lovelies from the night
The dreadful cuffs collide

V2
Delightful
The rain drops
That gather in the street
Beautiful
The night sky
To ponder as we sleep

Bridge
My left hand and my right
Are thrown inside my pockets
The reaching's reached the end
And I'll never hold the sun


Ok, since this is my blog, I'm going to explain this song. As a songwriter, I actually don't like explaining my songs. I take that back. I LOVE explaining them. But a good songwriter shouldn't have to. So I try not to. The song should do that. I shouldn't have to. But since this is my blog, and I write and yap all the time, I'm going to explain it.

I read in Genesis 1:2 this:

"Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

I was just stunned with the imagery and the beauty of that.

And listen to this... verse 3 says this:

"And God said 'Let there be light,' and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness."

Ok, how amazing is that... God created light when there was darkness. And He saw that it was good, and then He separated the light form the darkness. If you read my lyrics, maybe it's starting to make sense now...

And Genesis 15:12 says this:

"As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him."

Ok that was when God spoke to Abram in a dream. I read the word dreadful, and felt like singing it would feel good. And i liked how darkness was called dreadful.

Now put all of those verses together. And what my song means is this:

The absence of light is darkness. Light is what came because of God. So in my song, I state the dreadfuls. The darkness. The darknesses that happen in life. And how there are spaces and ditches in life that the enemy can fill with His darkness. So the first verse where it says "dreadful the darkness that surfaces the deep," That's like saying the darkness exists. And "mindful the spaces I hushed, they tried to speak" is like saying the darkness is mindful of the life (my life) it can claim, and how I try to keep away from it.

"Dreadfuls in my hands they try to fill the cracks" is like saying darkness tries to hold my hand. Like the spaces between my fingers, perfect for another hand to occupy. Like a thief, cunning and sweet until it gets what it wants. Like the enemy uses cunning and sweet language to try to sway us, so does darkness (dreadfuls) try to take us for fools and cause us to stumble. Cause us to believe lies. Holding another's hand is such a soft, gentle and sweet gesture. Saying dreadfuls try to hold my hands is like saying the enemy uses cunning schemes to cause me to fall.

So the chorus is like calling the separation form the light and darkness. By calling attention, and declaring the difference, by calling the enemy out on what he tries to do, he is exposed. "Dreadful dusts ignite" it's like saying the enemy is exposed.

And "the dreadful cuffs collide" is like saying the bondage of the darkness is broken.

"Delightful the raindrops that gather in the street" is basically showing imagery of freedom. Also, this is where it would never make sense to anyone without me explaining it... I read through the story of Noah that day I wrote this song, and the rainbow was a promise of God's faithfulness after rain. So there's that connotation for me by mentioning rain. Also, what creates a rainbow is light coming through a raindrop as the spectrum. Yeah. You never would have guessed my meaning for that huh...

Then "beautiful the night sky to ponder as we sleep" is like saying sometimes we're taken by the beauty of darkness. Sometimes we find it lovely. Sometimes the enemy is so wonderfully crafty, we mistake his deception as truth. And it exists even when we aren't there to take notice of it. Even when we sleep.

The bridge
"My left hand and my right
Are thrown inside my pocket
The reaching's reached the end
And I'll never hold the sun" is basically saying when darkness (dreadfuls) try to hold my hands and I realize it, I try to pull my hands away and throw them in my pockets. Sometimes that's like taking matters into my own hands, and instead of reaching towards God (light), I go to myself instead. Then I cannot hold onto God (light/sun), I'm too busy keeping my hands in my pockets.

And then when that happens, it calls for calling out the darkness (dreadfuls) in the act, and finding the light once it can be separated from the darkness. Because it is Good, like Genesis 1:3 says. The light was good, so it was separated from the darkness.

Ok. That's my song, and the reasons behind it.

Leave me a comment if you have any thoughts, for I would love to hear anything good or bad.

Update

Well... much to catch up.

I started a ton of new goals for this summer. One of those goals is reading through the Bible by August. So far so good! I'm only on Day 2:) But it's a lot, let me tell you. But I've been loving it. I think God speaks to me a lot when I read. I think it's a primary way He speaks to me.

Another thing I'm aiming for is writing a song a day. I'm on day 3 of that. Again, so far so good. I'm at least lyrically writing a song a day. Sometimes I don't have time to put music and melody to what I write. Last night I spent like 20 minutes writing one. understand that this experiment is not about crafting perfect songs. More like taking whatever I have and making it work, and even if it doesn't work, I go with it. It's something new for me. I wanted to try it.

I heard that Jon Foreman writes a song a day. I've tried to do it too in the past, but I get too picky. I think I've reached the end of being too picky. It's all about flexing the muscles. When people work out, some days they feel like they could run miles more, and then other days, you can hardly make it to the end of your usual route.

Such is life with songwriting as well. Yesterday I wrote something that was really weird. It was inspired out of what I read in my Bible. It's really rather indie compared to my other stuff. It's really funny actually.

So that's what this experiment is about really. Whatever comes out of me, I go with it. It's full of harmonies and weird words.

It makes complete sense to me. But I doubt it would make sense to many people. But it sounds nice, so I don't think it's that big of a deal. It's so different than my normal stuff.

I think I'm in this place in life... where whatever happens is what's gonna happen. Whatever songs I write are the songs I'm gonna sing. Whatever God puts in my path right now is what He's putting in my path. A new theme of mine is that my plans fail. And praise God that his purpose prevails.

I'm extremely exhausted right now if you can't tell. I think I'm gonna try to make some music too before I go to bed. I had a melody idea for the song I wrote tonight.

And I wanna start posting new songs as I get them done over the Summer. Why not. I mean I talk about the songs all the time, I might as well post em so you can listen to them. And any responses would be amazing.

Ok, this is the end of my update.

The truth is

Our plans fail. But His purpose prevails.

I'm sad now

Well, the tat is not tattooed yet. But that's only because Zach has too much homework tonight. He's finishing up some summer class stuff.

So, some time soon. Fear not all of you who anticipate. It will happen.

So, tonight I have been extremely nostalgic. I miss my friends at Greenville. I miss taking naps and waking up to Trina staring at me from her bed right across from mine. I miss walking into the bathroom before I've even really opened my eyes and making a fool of myself to my neighbors as they're blowing their hair dry. I miss enjoying the music Diana has on while she's taking a shower. I miss the hilariousness that would happen outside my window from the Kinney boys. Trina and I would laugh even though the words were quite profane. Quite.

I miss the long walk that would take too long every time from Tenney to wherever I was going. I'd take it now.

I miss running up and down College Ave with Kirstie.

I miss hanging out in the lounge with Blakeley and Em. I miss seeing our adorable cleaning lady, and complimenting her on her new haircut.

I miss seeing Elijah from across campus, and keeping eye contact the entire time until we spontaneously swing dance, and then act like nothing happened as we continue on our way.

I miss seeing Storm walk into the lounge in Whitlock, and saying, "One fif?" And that hilarious double chin "uhum, yeah gurl." look says it all. And bam, beautiful harms (harmonies) would occur instantaneously.

I miss running to the library again and again during our vespers practices.

I miss David in the DC. He'd make my gluten free stuff a lot. And he was hilarious. I'd pretend to boss him around sometimes. Maybe I wasn't pretending. But he was a good sport. Sometimes his cooking wasn't the best. But he was fun.

I miss just knowing everyone, and loving on them as I walk from class to class.

I adored those long and late nights in the studio with so many amazing people. Being creative, and fully feeling and enjoying the music we've made.

I miss completely destroying my arms and my carpal tunnel from doing Cartwheels swing dancing.

I miss taking Kirstie's clothes all the time, and then never giving them back... I gotta mail her basketball shorts back. And her sweatshirt. It says her name on it... no one would believe it's mine...

I miss everyone. I miss the DC and eating with everyone. And laughing. And crying like last Tuesday... it just all came down on me at once that I was leaving and not coming back as a student.

It's all hitting me now too, since Nathanael left Tuesday, Courtney left yesterday, and Storm left today. I miss them all, and now I'm sad. That's all I have to say really. Now I'm sad.

Guess what

I'm getting a tattoo.

It's funny, because I guess I forgot (?) to tell a lot of people. Next time you see me, I may or may not have a tat on my hand.

I'll tell much more about it once I can post a picture of the completed result.

Right now, I'll just say this. Worry not my dears. I would not brand myself with words or anything really, if it were not for a really personal and meaningful reason.

I want to glorify God in everything I do. I pray that God establishes the work of my hands. Like David prayed in the Psalms. And whatever I do with my hands, I want to be founded and created out of hands and a heart devoted to glorifying God first and only. Not just above all... but only.

So. That's all I'll say right now. Maybe you'll see a picture soon. Maybe.... tomorrow.

Convenience

I was expecting this. Honestly, I'm not sure what to say. It's the strangest thing in the world to be home. I am so independent. It's one of the best places in the world... home. Under the same roof as my family. The people I would die for a thousand times and then some. I love sleeping in the same room as my sisters. Some of them... the others are in the room across the hall. I love when Zach bangs on the wall because Cal and Soph and I are too loud in the middle of the night.

I love walking down the stairs when I'm just barely awake and finding the little girls on the benches at the bar eating bowels of cereal in the morning. I love my piano room, and playing and singing songs that overflow from the unshed tears and the unvoiced laughter, and the unspoken dreams and thoughts of my innermost parts, and watching as my baby sisters creak open the door, and sneak on to the couch to listen. They think I don't see them, but I do.

I remember when Lena and Melodi were babies. Literally a week old or so. And we would all hold them and play the piano. Zach and Caleigh and I took it upon ourselves to expose our family members at the earliest ages possible to music. We wanted them to know it. We wanted them to love it. And they do. They all play. They all sing. And to my great happiness, they love to write. I love watching Olivia write in her journals I buy her. They copy us, and it's beautiful. Even if they don't love it forever, for now, I love that they enjoy music and writing, and art. Expression. Putting color to the unseen. Beauty.

So, you see... I'm just in such a strange place in my heart. In my life. I love this, but it's frustrating to be contained in a dependent state.

If you're keeping up with my blogs, you likely see how I constantly repeat that fact that I am only 20 years old... it's really just so strange. I, the queen of using words all the time... am at a loss for how to describe what this feels like right now. To be 20, the same age as all my friends who are only just going to be juniors at Greenville next Fall... and that's what I was two years ago. It's so strange, my friends.

Some things I've learned in this rather odd journey of being a girl, maybe a woman, who knows exactly what I want more often than not... life goes on. God gives and takes away. He is always Good. He is always loving on me so fully I cannot comprehend it. Any desires and dreams I have are only faint reflections of how much, how deeply, how innately I fully desire God... things just get distorted. It's not that I exactly "look for love in all the wrong places." It's that I don't realize how innately I really do desire God. How innately every human being does.

All of that energy of desiring things, and people... it's just a reflection, or a misdirection of the arrows shot from the bow on my shoulders as I aim from my heart.

And this... we never really know. We expect that when we graduate from high school, we should know what we're gonna do in college. But we don't. We expect that when we're done our first year of college, we're gonna just know the ropes. But we don't. There's more. We expect that graduating from college means we know who we're going to spend our lives with, and what job we'll have for the rest of time, and where we'll live once and for all. But we don't.

We're all just living life. Figuring things out as the answers come. But they don't always come when we ask for the answers. So often they come while we're on to the next questions. Convenience is but a world of our imagination.

And so I end with this. I battle my imagination right now. I'm faced with reality, and much of it is absolutely wonderfully exciting. The mean time is the space between now and then. And I fully wish I were in the "then." I cannot wait for Nashville. I can't wait to embrace my independence again. I love it. But the purgatory I feel right now is beautiful though it is painful as well. And a time God is happy, and glad to give me.

So that's it. Reality knocks.

NBD

I am home. And I'm not sure what to say right now. There are a lot of things I could say, but I don't want to say any of those things. I'd much rather sing them.

It's surreal and very odd, this place in my life.

God keeps reminding me He has a plan for my life though, in random, wonderful and awesome ways.

I'm thankful, and I'm free falling.

And I'm just very glad I have a piano in my house.

And so concludes my first blog after graduating from college.

I'm a college grad. NBD.

Bam.

One more day

I'm getting ready for a photo shoot with Zach and Cal for music stuff. I am a mess. Saying goodbye to people is killing me quickly. Even saying goodbye to my room, and the sidewalk I trip on all the time, and the silly fake flowers I eat next to every single day here...

This is the most miserable time. Sure I'm happy and genuinely excited. That's my character. It's my personality to be super excited about the next adventure. But I just wish I were going right to Nashville or something... it's going to be really difficult to be back under my parent's roof. I adore my family. Most of you know that. But I'm extremely independent. Especially after being at school, I have my own life. And It's so difficult to go back to needing to notify someone whenever I do anything. I love being on my own. I love living my life. I love my family, and when I'm without them, I miss them all the time.

But I just wish I were going right to Nashville. I'm ready for the next thing. It's difficult not letting home seem like a purgatory type of place before I live the rest of my life.

I really haven't been blogging much lately. That shouldn't be surprising with graduation happening tomorrow. One more day friends!

I'm just glad that half of Gville will be in Nashville eventually. I am so happy for that true thing. I'm so glad that half of my best friends will be abroad in NAshville in the Spring. Party. For the win. \

I'm done college, people. How the heck did this happen?! I'm only 20. I feel the weight of the emptiness of that age right now. I could have been here 2 more years. But I do honestly believe it's a Godhthing. He is not surprised I'm only 20. He has a plan. And I'm excited. And seriously dreading saying goodbye so many time.


Ok that's all for now.

People

I simply wish there were more hours in the day. Or that I at least didn't need as much sleep as I do.

I've been a silly girl lately, my friends. I don't care about sleep. I don't care about the homework I should get done. I don't care about anything but spending time with my friends. I love them. And I wish they were all coming to Nashville with me in August.

So Basically, I don't care about any grades. I don't care about looking pretty and sleeping the right amount. I just wanna be awake and with my friends and basically.... just with them. I love them so much.

I just love people.

That's all I wanted to say.

A new dream

I don't remember if I blogged about this or not...

Back in December, something I felt God speak to me was this. That He is pouring into me a new dream.

It was a word I knew He was speaking to me. Something He was mending me with. A restoration. Something as fulfilling as rain. Pouring. A new dream. Meaning, it's ok that "old dreams" are of the past. Because there is something new.

I began to feel little by little that God was leading me in a direction somewhat unexpected.

So now I'm weeks away from graduation. I'm 20 years old. I'll have my Bachelor's degree in music, I'm single and I'm moving to Nashville in August.

A few years ago, I would have no doubt expected to say, "I'm 20 years old, (probably) graduating, engaged (or married) and about to live with my husband (if I wasn't already married), and working in a church.

That was my expectation. I planned on teaching my adorable wonderful homeschooled students. Making a living in New Jersey. Being with the people I love. And marrying a man I loved. Whoever he might have been.

But you know what? My life is completely different.

Sure, I desire a husband and a family.

But It's more like I'm open to that sometime in the future than waiting for it.

I feel for the first time (a phrase that's becoming extremely common lately) that I am more and more filled with this new dream. Flooded. Like I'm back floating really. It's comfortable. I'm at peace. Even though I don't know where the current is taking me exactly.

He is changing me. He is changing my heart, and taking me to new places. Places I do not know. Places I am unfamiliar with.

I am so encouraged right now. Taking a step of faith is so necessary. Moving forward when we're unsure is an incredible thing. He WILL meet us. He's right here... sometimes the fear and uncertainty is just overwhelming. But He is DOING a work. Sometimes we expect that He's already done it, and act like we're lacking and in the wrong, when really, He's only told us He is DOING something. It's not done yet. We're to prepare.

It's like God says, "We're going to Florida!" And we're still in Arizona. And it's the desert, not the beach. Suddenly we panic. There's no beach here! Something must be wrong.

Ahem. He said we're going. He didn't say we're there yet.

And sometimes we have more to prepare than other times.

So I guess I'm preparing still.

But it's gonna be a good time.

And for the record, I have no idea how I'm gonna get to Florida. Yet again, it's gonna be a good time.

Ok, out of the metaphor... I'm about to board my plane. Fare thee well.

White

Hello all!

I am currently at the Philly airport, waiting for my flight to Chicago. Then to St. Louis. I have 2 more weeks of classes, and then finals and then graduation. My life is amazing. And so unplanned in so many ways. I have a lot of thoughts to share...

OK, so the past 10 days I spent at home, in Jersey. Laura and Ben got married yesterday and it was breath taking. Laura was the most beautiful bride I've seen. She's married now!! All I kept thinking about during the whole ceremony as one of her brides maids was a day we spent at beach 3 in Medford Lakes, maybe 2 years ago. I remember wearing a charcoal t-shirt, and a pair of navy blue shorts on that summer day. We put our feet in the water as we sat on the dock, and talked.

Laura was so downcast. It was such a confusing time in her life. I remember it well. And then last night... the moment she walked down the aisle, holding onto her father's arm, towards Ben, who couldn't look away from the vision of the woman he's waited for all his life... I couldn't help but cry. They'd made it to the other side. God brought them together. And I got to see it all happen. From the other side, the crossing over, and then the wedding.

And then hearing them say their beautiful vows, and watching them light the unity candle, watching Ben and Laura put their heads together to pray during the special music... words cannot express.

I hope I continue to get to be a part of Laura's and Ben's lives.

It was like a holy moment when Laura walked in with her dad last night. Everyone was quiet. It was such a moment in history in all of our lives. To be witnesses of such a beautiful moment. Such a beautiful thing, such an anticipated and prayed for event.

And Laura was so pure. And presented to her Groom. White. Lovely. She had been kept pure, and we could all share in the joy in the union that God crafted.

I could go on and on.

But I'm going to stop here.