Good

There are some things that absolutely blow my mind. there are some things that completely knock me off balance.

There are some seasons in life that season you for something you're waiting for, and then the train tracks shift, and you're turing left, and not right. And whatever isn't "right" feels wrong.

There are times when "wrong" begins to feel "right"," and then suddenly, you make a right turn, and now you can't tell up from down.

Sometimes wind feels like the air is embracing you when you feel lonely. Sometimes it fingers through your hair when you just want someone to be next to you more than anything. And then there are times the wind works against you and tries to push you over when you're walking down the street.

So is the wind a friend, or a foe?

There are times to turn away, and times to use eyes of grace on the people around us, even though it's difficult. There are moments we have to walk away when we feel horrible about it, because sometimes we have to look out for ourselves. Sometimes having good judgement feels critical and judgmental. Sometimes we don't know the difference between pretty and ugly. And innocent and guilty.


The only thing I can gather in times that tie my hands in knots is that God is good. And He is beautiful, even when I'm not pretty in any way. Even when the work of my hands looks like a pile of gooey clay and nothing like a jar. When upside down turns out to be right side up, and up means sideways.

God is Good. That's all I know. That's all I have. That's all I'll hold. And whether friend or foe, He is above it all, and He is Good.

And Princess Kate's dress was really pretty. That's all.

Away

Here is Away... they titled it wrong on youtube... oh well. I should have them change it. Anyway, this was the other original I got to do. This song was so much fun... all the strings, ahhh it was so much fun!

I dare the rain

Here's another one... this is one of the original ones I got to do for the recital. I blogged about this one. This was one of my favorite parts of the recital. I had the time of my life.

Bring me to life

Here are some clips from my senior recital... I spent so many blogs on it I might as well post these, yes?

April showers

Hello my dears:)

I am home in beautiful (way humid) New Jersey. I'm home for Laura's (I call her Lashes) and Ben's wedding. It's been so nice to be home for her.

I decided to leave a little update on my blog as far as music is going... You may or may not remember when I blogged about recording down in Nashville in January with The Madison Letter. Well their EP is now released on itunes! I sang on "We're Gonna Make IT," which is a really awesome song. I love singing it.

I have to admit I feel like a five year old how excited I am that I'm on itunes. It's just a duet, but it's so exciting! So if you desire to hear the song, you may hear it on itunes! So exciting indeed. The entire EP is awesome. I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot more from The Madison Letter soon.

I feel like this time in my life is full of showers. A lot of rain is coming down and I know it's watering something. I'm not sure what it's watering though.

I know it's something good. Just like a pregnant woman knows she's having a baby and not a hippo. I know it's something good.

Ok, that's my update!

Justified

It's moments like this I am so glad I can blog. I don't think I've ever heard something from God and not wanted to share it immediately with someone. The thing is, I don't always want to just go call my BFF or something like that. I feel like screaming it. I'm a little on the exuberant side:)

So tonight I was at the DC( dining commons). Seriously, this was like 20 minutes ago. I was eating with my roommate's boyfriend, and when he had to go, I got up and sat with a bunch of my swing dancing friends. I was still hungry. Sometimes being gluten intolerant hardcore sucks. They don't always make the best gluten free meals. They try. Their efforts can be cute. Other times... you get the picture.

So I put my stuff down at the table, and declared I was going to get ice cream.



There are not many things I can eat in the DC. Between cross contamination concerns and there just being straight up gluten in the food, I'm pretty limited. Ice cream is a good option. Vanilla!

So I started on a tangent. "I, " I paused to draw attention to my silly declaration. "am going to get ice cream." I explained my reasoning. I can't get much else. I need food. I can't dance my life away tonight if I have no fat to burn. Something had to be done.

My friend Josh was chewing. He had his fork in his left hand, with his finger up. I looked at him to see what he had to say.

He swallowed and said, "You don't have to justify yourself."

Just like that.

I paused, and said, "Thank you," and walked away to retrieve my ice cream.

I wasn't expecting that.

I was trying to be funny to some extent with my ranting. But more than a mere fraction of me was exposed by Josh's words.

Many of you know I like to live in the light... as in I like to be exposed. I don't like hiding who I am, or what I am. Even the crap. Even the ugly. I'm an advocate to live in unity in our struggles and to be set free in the exposure of the Light. I hate hiding. I hate being fake. I'm really not a fake person. If you know me, I hope you'd see that.

So... I'm gonna expose a little bit of myself here. Most of me is willing to be exposed. So... here goes.

So often times I identify myself in my size. I'm kind of a little person. I'm 5 foot 2. I have little bones. The only thing big about me is my hair. I am a health nut, and also gluten intolerant. I love exercising. I love sweating and feeling like I just moved a mountain after running. I love being in shape. I love feeling healthy. I love being healthy. Most of the time I am pretty healthy. Physically.

Mentally... that's a different story.

You see... I've never had an eating disorder. I love food. I could never starve myself. I absolutely loathe throwing up. I could never do that. To say I haven't tried would be a lie. But it's the truth to say I never actually succeeded in making myself throw up.

Physically, I've not succeeded in that arena. But mentally, I've been sick.

I'll never forget when I finally realized I really do struggle with this. It was during the All College Hike, 2010. I slept in. I was way tired, and skipped the hike. And I ate some cake for breakfast. Not only did I skip the 5 mile hike, but I ate crap. I actually cried. The torment I felt because I ate something "unnatural" so early in the day was absolutely ridiculous. I decided I needed help. And I talked to my best friend, Bi, at home. From that day in September, it's like I've been set free. I've been really open about the struggle that paralyzes me from time to time. And Im not ashamed for the most part. Sometimes I am. But sometimes I'm not.

Right now, I'm choosing to talk about this for the sake of living in community with all of you. There is healing that comes from confessing. The Bible says it. The Holy Spirit demonstrates it. And it's true.

So, back to my ice cream tonight. I walked away in such silence. In such healing... I didn't need to justify myself. I could go freaking get the ice cream I wanted.

And you know what? I love ice cream. I would have likely gotten some even if I had other options that I don't have because I'm gluten intolerant.

You know what else God exposed me in through that one comment Josh said tonight? I don't need to justify myself with God either.

When I go to God and explain all the reasons why I'm talking to Him... uhm, hello dear. Just speak. Just be. Don't even go there. Don't even try to do what's already been done. Because why? Because it's already done. Because we're already justified.

That's what this week is about. Holy Week... the week from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday.

To celebrate the fact that we are justified.

I'm expecting Josh's comment to carry in my head for a long time. He spoke a mere six words to me. Striking, isn't it?

So that's something new for me. No more justifying what's already justified. Whether it's what I'm eating or not eating, or what's already been nailed to the cross.

The best part about the stuff that's already been nailed to the cross, is that's where it ended. The resurrection only included Jesus. Not the list of wrongs we like to keep about ourselves and others. Easter is all about the resurrection of Jesus.

But I think sometimes we make Resurrection Day everyday. And I don't mean we wake up everyday and yell to our neighbors, "Jesus is alive!" No. I think we bring back to life those things that were already justified. Already died. Already nailed and done. Justified.

I do not want to wake up to yell to everyone I come in contact with what "is alive!" which should be dead.

So enough of this justifying ourselves. Resurrection Day only includes Jesus.

You don't have to justify yourself.

Lights will guide you home

Hello all,

Tonight I have to say I am contemplative. So little time left here at Greenville. It completely baffles me. Every time I head back to Tenney to finally get some sleep all these late nights... I feel so at peace, like I'm in communion with the atmosphere around me. Like I'm soaking it in. Like just knowing that I'm having these moments of embracing every second here will make leaving easier.

I'm not sure it will.

Things are wonderful here. I love all my friends. It's my home here. Now it is. It's become my home.

Some hilarious and fabulous things have sprung up since Spring on campus... one thing I am beyond excited about. A few of us basically started a swing dance group. Last night there were 20 people who came out! We were swinging and flipping all over the place. Our next time to get together is tomorrow night. For this I cannot wait. And it seems I am not the only one... everyone's statuses on facebook are about swing dancing. It makes me so unbearably happy.

So for those of you reading this... come out to the Burritt Gym tomorrow night at 8:30pm. You will love your life. I'm serious. If you're already a happy camper... imagine how much happier this could make you.

I'll post a video of all of us dancing soon.

This week I'm going home. I'll be home from April 22- May 1. It's a long time. I have mixed feelings about going away from Greenville for so long when I have so little time before I graduate. GRADUATE! Someone help me... But it will be wonderful to see my family back in New Jersey again, and to be with Laura! She's getting married on the 30th. I am a bride's maid. This is the reason for the trip. One of my best friends is getting married. I'm so excited for it. Ben and Laura are a beautiful couple. I'm so excited for them, and so excited to be a part of their wedding.

My title is from Fix You by Coldplay. My Vespers band is playing for Vespers this week, and we're doing this song for a skit. I'm excited for that too:)

Ta ta now dearies!

Magnificat

Yesterday, April 17th, the Greenville College Choir had the privilege of singing the Bach Magnificat with the American Kantorei.

The American Kantorei is a professional choral and orchestral ensemble which has become well-known for its Bach at the Sem Concert Series, as they are from Concordia Seminary in St. Louis.

On Saturday, the 16th, we had a long rehearsal with the orchestra and Kantorei. It was pretty exhausting, but such an awesome experience to be able to perform beside these amazing musicians and singers.

As a (short) soprano 1, I was right behind a few of the string players. They were seemingly flawless. Their sound was so clean. I'm a music freak... I was following along their music when they were playing (when I wasn't singing), and watching their fingers as they read and played... I'm a singer because I just can't do that. It's that simple of a conclusion. I wish I could play like that, but I simply cannot. I'll stick to vocals!

The soloists were amazing... our very own Jake Tacket and Kayla Wiersma sang the Tenor and Soprano duet in Bach’s Cantata # 4 (‘Christ lag in Todesbanden’ / ‘Christ Lay in the Snares of Death’). Jake also had a solo with Professor Brown. Prof Brown is my voice prof here at Gville, and she's also a part of the Kantorei. They were all fabulous.

I have to say I completely loved hearing and watching the soprano sing number 3 of the Magnificat, Quia Respexit Humilitatem. She was so perfect. Her voice was beautiful.

The Greenville choir sang a few of our songs from our 2011 Tour program as well. It was really nice to sing them again. We know them so well, they just feel good to sing. I almost feel like my body thanks me when we get to sing them again. It's easier than learning all these crazy Bach melismas and tricky rhythms. These songs are engrained into us at this point. It's refreshing to bring them back.

One of the best things about performing with the Kantorei, was working with their director, Dr. Robert Bergt. He is 81 years old. He only has one leg, and uses a motorized wheelchair to get around. I have never met anyone like him... he is so joyful. His love for the Lord and for music is inspiring, and working with him was such an honor.

Singing with the Kantorei this weekend was our last formal choir concert of the 2010-2011 year. It was a perfect way to end it.


(The Kantorei is on Facebook:) http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=52403376106)

He's Good

This is just to say that God is at work in Greenville. I wish I could stay up and tell all you faithful readers the crazy things going on right now... but I'll just say this... there is no unrest that won't relent to an all powerful and loving God. There is no anxiety that does not fall on its knees when placed before the Lord. There is no hopelessness that will remain when placed before a God where hope is the only direction behind Him.

I'm honestly just encouraged and overwhelmed to the point that I feel superhuman and feel like I don't need sleep. Where's Mike Tulimiero when I need him?! (He sang Superhuman with me in my Senior Recital...)

Anyway... goodnight. I'm going to sleep, and then get up early to work on a paper. Yeah. This is how you know I'm supernaturally fueled right now. I hate waking up early. I love sleeping in.

But God is so good... Ok... bed!

Hello April

Today was a very good day. I accomplished a very nice amount. Yes, I am an achiever (my top strength according to the strengths finder test we have to take upon arriving at Greenville).

Writing has been so good lately. Ok, The last time I wrote a whole new song was almost two weeks ago. But it doesn't feel that way. I don't feel like I'm gasping for inspiration. I feel like all the extra work I've done and rewriting I've done on older songs has kept me completely full, and I'm so excited about a lot of new songs right now. New songs as in, yet to be performed publicly.

Zach and I have been collaborating with Storm Sharrett, a good friend of ours. It's been fab. Really really fab. Zach and I work really well together, but it's given us a good perspective. I absolutely love cowriting. I love the rewriting process. I think I've actually gotten a lot better at it. I used to hate changing things, but now I love it. I love the feeling when all of a sudden the right melody happens. Literally... it's like all of a sudden a problem just vanishes, and good news abounds. It's a beautiful moment.

I've gotten a rhythm with rewriting. I have been writing a lot lately, and I feel like every time I go to the piano something good happens. I'm looking forward to this month. I'll be performing more than I have recently.

Also, The Madison Letter EP comes out April 15th. Formerly known as the Clayton Jones Band... the EP is so good. Recall in January when Zach and I were in Nashville. We were there for a few reasons, and one of them was recording with the band. I sang in We're Gonna Make It. It sounds so awesome... I'm so excited for the release. The band sounds fab, and I'm just excited to sing with them more this month.

I expect you faithful followers of this blog to buy the EP on April 15th on itunes. Seriously, they are great. You'll like their music. I love it.

Clayton and I cowrote a little bit the beginning of the semester. It was great. Zach is filling in for electric guitar in the band this semester. It's been cool.

I've been in a peachy mood the past few days. For a few reasons.

First off, I've started a goal for the month of April. Reading 10 chapters a day in the New Testament. I know. It's a lot. Trust me I know this well. I usually read smaller portions at a time so I can digest it better, but I read the idea in a book, and it was something I decided I would do. This means I'll be reading the entire New Testament by the end of the month. That's pretty spectacular... I just need to be filled with the Word of God. I've been anxious and just not at rest in my spirit. So much is about to shift in my life. Graduation is more and more of a reality with each passing day. It's unreal. But it is real. And I just need peace, and I need discernment as I'm making decisions. So much to be thinking about. And I've gotten so lazy with my relationship with God.

You know... some people might disagree with how open I am about things like this. For example, I just told you I'm aiming to read 10 chapters a day in the Bible... some may feel like I'm pulling a "holier than thou" crap. But I don't give a rip about that. I think the Body of Christ ought to share things like this. True if I were doing this out of pride that's lame. But I don't think I am. I think it's encouraging to hear what other Christians are going through and what they're doing about it. So I dunno... be encouraged I guess. And try it. Cause it rocks my world.

I feel like I've been somewhat transformed... I can hardly handle so much of the Bible. I want to take a year and dwell on so many little things. But I guess that's a new way to look at "being filled with the Word." It's to the point I feel like I can hardly handle it all. I can't take it all in. I like that. It's a cool feeling. It's cool to be experiencing it.

Yesterday Elijah, Michael, Haley and I went for an outing. We went for a walk down to Wayne's Produce, and on our way we stopped at an antique shop, and then at the Greenville Museum. It was so much fun. We just did whatever we felt like. The sun was so warm, and the wind was as well. So it was ok.

Then we got a bunch of fruit, and stopped at IGA to get some extra odds and ends. We set up our perch on the back of a wooden trailer behind the Kelsey Building by the train tracks, and ate our fruit. It was wonderful. One of the best times I've had on a weekend in Greenville. Just simple, with wonderful friends and good weather, and fabulous fruit.

Let the good times roll. I'm not really interested in any way in letting these last precious weeks of Greenville go by without being wonderful and embraced.

I love life.