Twenty-Three

It was the Dicken's Festival in downtown Medford, December 3 2011. My whole church was in costume singing for the festival, and I was distracted to say the very least. Countless people came up to me and asked, "Are you ok?"

The tables in the house we gathered in were covered in treys and treys of food. Of which, I could hardly eat a bite. It'd been two weeks since Caleb and I started talking all the time. We started skyping often, almost every night. I knew something was seriously up. Caleb's parents would jump in and talk to me too for a few minutes here and there. Then as their good-bye, they'd say, "Ok, well I won't keep you and Caleb from each other anymore... good talking to you!" Nearly every night we'd talk over skype... and I sat on the couch by the fire, texting away as was now the usual.

Another person came over and asked if I was alright... I was spacing out. I was honestly panicking. Caleb had dropped hints. He mentioned how he'd like to take me on a date sometime... in a somewhat theoretical tone... I hadn't given much of a response. I didn't want to be obvious. I didn't want to unveil my heart before he unveiled his. And he hadn't exactly done that yet.

I was worried. If he backed out and became the usual "just friend" Caleb again, I knew I'd be hurt. And it wouldn't be that easy this time for me to overlook it. I was seriously anxious. I had started writing a song that day about how I just couldn't keep pretending and keeping it to myself about how I felt about him. I didn't finish it because I was getting too preoccupied.

I texted Caleb about how I saw a shooting star that night. He asked what I wished for, but I kindly denied him the detail since it couldn't come true if I told him.

I wished he'd come. I wished he'd surprise me, and do something crazy to show that he wanted me. That he wasn't fooling around. Something big. I wanted him to pursue. Not just text me every morning, and skype me every night, though that was sweet. I wanted him to come to me.

I wanted romance. Caleb was the biggest romantic. I'd watched him with other girls. I had desperately wished he would romance me that same way. He was so capable. I knew that. And I was hopeful he wouldn't forget how to be that guy... when he was finally pursuing me that way. At least I hoped what was happening was pursuing.

We flirted over texting all night. I ate no more than a bite or two of food, as was the custom of the last 2 weeks. Even Thanksgiving I hardly ate. I couldnt' keep food down. I couldn't even chew. My mouth was dry and I had zero appetite. I was so distracted. Hopelessly distracted... and I was coming to the end of my strength. I absolutely refused to say a thing, and I was determined to keep masked about my own feelings until I had a green light.

I decided to allow him to pursue me after I talked to my friend Kristin who's married with three kids. I needed someone from the outside to let me know if was ok. I knew things with Caleb were not supposed to be, in the past. So what made this time different? Maybe this was a "God's timing is perfect," thing, and maybe now was the time? I wasn't sure. Her encouragement helped me feel better about the whole thing, and I made myself even more open to talking all the time.

Earlier that week, Caleb and I had skyped, and he told me the devastating news that his mom had gotten diagnosed with breast cancer. I was so shocked, and Caleb was clearly frustrated, and so upset. I didn't know what to say, so didn't say much at all. I was even more surprised, though, when he paused in the middle of telling me the diagnosis just to say,

"Shaina... you are really pretty,"

I stopped, unsure if I really heard him right. I got light headed, and felt my cheeks grow warm. I said, "Thank you," feeling like I didn't deserve any compliment in a moment of sadness. I wanted to be excited about what he just said, but I was confused... even though it swelled my heart with warmth and fuzzy feelings.

I truly didn't know what would happen... I had hopes, and a sense of what could come of this crazy thing... but until Caleb confirmed it, I couldn't relax.

I had called Zach the day of the Dicken's Festival, and begged him to convince Caleb to talk to me about what was going on if he by any chance, talked to Caleb. I needed some confirmation desperately.

When I got home from the Festival, I lit some candles, and sat on my couch. I just needed to breathe... Caleb called me on my phone. I panicked, because I'm terrible at the phone. I was so obnoxiously awkward, I was afraid to answer, but I did.

Caleb was on his way home from work, and told me, "I was so excited to skype with you tonight, then I realized I could talk to you right now, too, so I decided to call ya and see how you are." So we talked on the phone the whole way home, until he signed onto skype.

It was about midnight my time, and towards the beginning of our skype conversation, Caleb said,

"Hey... I think you're beautiful... and I want to take you on a date, but I'm all the way in St. Louis, and you're over there, so that's kind of tough... would you want to do a skype date next Saturday night? We both dress up, and eat the same thing and watch a movie over skype? What do you think?"

"Awww.... yeah that sounds so cute..."

We goofed off, and Caleb made googley eyes at me... and I probably made them too...

So maybe "the talk" was coming during that date... I'd have to wait another week, but as long as there was some move made, even if it was just a "Skype date," I could handle that. I would make sure I didn't freak out too much... I'd keep quiet, and refuse to show too much of my heart and what I was feeling until then. And I could handle it if Caleb said it was just as friends... maybe we needed to go through this funny weird back and forth time one final time to fully move on...

When we were about to hang up, Caleb stopped me. I looked at him through the computer screen and waited.

"Hey... I just want you to know... I'm not playing games. I'm not playing with your heart, that is not fun. This is intentional, and this is more than friends, ok?"

I nodded slowly, and didn't reply with more than a few words, "Ok," I showed I understood, but didn't reply anymore than that. He still didn't say he liked me. So I couldn't say that, either.

"I promise you "the talk" is coming... I have a time and place in mind, so you can trust me I'm not fooling around here. If you want to talk sooner, we can, just tell me if you need to."

I told him I was fine, and if we could talk soon, then I was fine.

I couldn't believe it.

Zach must have talked to him... he had to. But he didn't. Caleb knew he had to calm me in some way, and he did. I couldn't believe it.

We hung up all smiley and giggley, and anticipating next Saturday's skype date.

As soon as I closed my computer, I burst into tears, just sobbed. My heart was overwhelmed...

I got on my knees and cried... but it was nothing like the brokenhearted times I'd done the same thing. Something was swelling in my heart, and it was being drawn out of me...

 I suddenly knew what it meant when Mary sang how her soul magnified the Lord. It wasn't a decision to praise the Lord... it was automatic.

There was praise in my heart that I didn't understand. It was more than relief. I was overwhelmed. I prayed over what the heck was happening... and I felt the most indescribable peace... this was good. It was very good. And God was pleased.

Caleb tweeted on twitter how he had a date with "@Shainajoi" and texted me about how excited he was he felt like running laps for all the excitement. He said he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. I replied similarly, and somehow went to bed after leaving ridiculous messages on Zach's phone, and Blakeley's. It was then around 3 am. I hardly slept, as was the new custom in addition to barely eating.