Twenty- Four

The next morning, December 4 2011, I went to church. I couldn't sleep. It was like every breath I took was a swallow of caffeine. I woke up early, and got a smoothie at Wawa, so that I'd have some source of nutrients in my system. I was, unsurprisingly, not hungry at all. I got to church early, which I never did. The choir was singing that day, and I was ready and in place. Which also was a rarity.

I still hadn't told anyone in my family what happened last night. It was a confirmation to me. Though the exact words, "I like you," were not yet spoken... I knew. And I knew Caleb would be more than a friend. And more than a boyfriend. And eventually more than a fiance... Caleb would be my husband. For the first time in my entire life, I knew what it meant when people said, "When you know you know."

I did. I did know. I knew!!

I didn't feel normal that morning. I felt like along with those "caffeine breaths" I was absorbing a glow in the dark serum that replaced my blood, strong enough to glow in daylight. I felt like mountains were taken off my shoulders.

How was this possible, when he didn't even tell me what he really felt, yet?

Only 6 days until our skype date. I could wait. I was walking on sunshine. I was anxious, but I had peace. And it was big enough to fill my empty stomach, and sleepless mind.

As I stood on the choir risers, I caught Trey's eyes. I was very close to his wife, and figured he was sensing my glow. I figured he'd talked to his wife. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. I knew I just basically screamed I was in love, judging by that smile I just gave... whatever. I couldn't hide it.

After the service, I walked over to my mom who still didn't know how Caleb had asked me on a "skype date," yet... I started talking to her, when my Trey popped up next to us and said, "You are glowing.... I can feel you from 500 miles away, Shaina..." My mom got carried into another conversation with someone else, and I continued my "glowing" accusation.

I told him how I was so peaceful, and what happened the night before. He said, "Shaina. This is right. God waited for a reason, and now is the time."

I nodded, without any hesitation whatsoever. I could not believe this was happening. But the peace that enveloped me spoke for me, declining the anxiety and worry that my natural self wanted to house.

"Now you know why people say, 'when you know, you know.'"

"I know." I said.

"And one day, he's going to to ask you to marry him,"

"I know..." I said... realizing I sounded absolutely crazy, but I honestly felt no strain or fear when I confirmed what he was saying. He didn't even know Caleb... but I knew it was true. I knew it.

I asked if he'd talked to his wife, and to my surprise he said he had not. WHAT.

That week I continued talking to Caleb. We skyped almost everyday.

Tuesday, December 6 2011, I decided I would finish my song. I had prayed for so long that God wouldn't let me write about a guy unless it was because God brought this guy to me. I felt so sure of it... I decided to run with it.

I sat down at my piano, and prayed over the unfinished song. I only had a verse written. I didn't have a chorus or anything else yet. I prayed that if God really was working this relationship out, that He would bless the song. That He would write it for me. And that Caleb would be blessed by it. If and when i ever showed him.

I prayed that if God were writing this love story, that this song would be worship.

"I don't wanna keep it to myself anymore
You might wanna prepare because it looks like it's gonna pour
I'm just waiting for the ok..."

What next?

I started the chorus... there was one line... it just wasn't working. I penciled in line after substitute line, and it just wasn't right.

"God... write this line..." I kept waiting for the right one.

And then...

YES.

"I don't wanna keep it to myself anymore

You might wanna prepare because it looks like it's gonna pour

I'm just waiting for the ok

Meet me at my door

Cause baby, I don't wanna keep it to myself."

DONE. My eyes filled with tears. That was the line. It was the truth. It was an invitation. It was what I desperately wanted, but knew I couldn't say to Caleb. I prayed for it. I prayed Caleb would come to my door. I finished the song with teary eyes, and knew it was exactly what I set out to write. 

The kind of relief that happens with a job well done combined with a good cry was fantastic. 

I met Bi at Panera right after. I met with her to tell her what was going on.  She hadn't been too thrilled with Caleb in the past, due to the ups and downs and frustrations he'd brought before. I told her everything. It was, how we like to say, monumental. 

I carried on in that week, texting Caleb all the time, calling, skyping.

But it was wearing on me. I was tiring of the distance, and not even seeing him since September. 

What was I doing... what if there was absolutely zero chemistry when I saw him next? When WOULD I see him next? I was nervous. I had peace, but I wasn't satisfied. I tried to readjust my thoughts when fears would pop in... I did, I did try. But I wasn't very strong. I grew afraid. 

I didn't even know when I would see him again. Wasn't that crucial? I'd have to be patient for a long time... maybe months...

I just wanted to see him. To see what it would feel like if he held my hand. To know it felt like love, and not that silly guy I used to study with in the library, and wave to on rainy days as we walked to class in the mornings. I needed something else.