I haven't blogged all week. Not that that's extremely odd. But contrary to absence of ability I've possessed previously this week, I feel like writing right now. In no way am I in my best of sorts, but that's alright. Today I found out some exciting and slightly alarming news. Next Spring, I'll most likely be graduating with my Bachelor's Degree in Contemporary Christian Music with a Worship Arts track. Voice emphasis of course... but I think today it really hit me. In one year, I'll be done. I'll be done college!
It's really odd. I'm surrounded by people my year... I'm constantly with juniors and seniors. Since I'm in certain classes with them, they know I'm a junior. Not to be confused with those who think of and call me a freshman.... I can't blame them. But, we're in the same boat, yet in completely different waters. How is this possible? I'm 19, they're 21 and 22. They're off getting jobs, and I'm still scrambling trying to find a matching shoe (that metaphor was used for rhyming reasons... just fyi in case you missed it).
In all honesty, I'm really excited. It will help me really trudge through, and press forward. And for the first time in my life, I see my life laid out before me, with miles to go. When I graduated High School last year, I didn't exactly worry about what to do with my life. I've always had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do, so it didn't scare me very much. It excited me. And I also had more college ahead of me. When I graduated BCC last year, I was also very excited. I was really relieved and proud to have accomplished what I did. But I guess I only saw it as a stone in my path of stepping stones leading to where I was going. And next year, I'll have gotten to where I'm going. It'll be the end of my undergrad education.
I guess what I'm realizing, is I can see a peak. It's like for years and years, I've been in school. Every morning i'd wake up in my homeschooling home, and know many math problems were to be solved (after crying pathetically and basically making my mom cry too), many papers were to be written, and many heartbeats within beautiful daphnia were to be counted.... I'll never forget my science fair projects. Those Daphnia and C. elegans were practically my children. Although I'd sincerely like to think my own children will be more attractive than insect-like microorganisms...
The stages of my life thus far have had one thing in common-- education. And in only one more year, that common ground will be changed. I'm not sleeping in a host's home tonight, yet I find myself wondering, "How did I get here?"
In truth, I think I'd probably get bored if I were in the same place for too long. I like forward motion. I like getting where I'm going. There are times I do get sad that I don't have very much time here at Greenville as a whole, but other times I'm glad I can actually see the end in some respects. Almost everything in my life has been spent over two year intervals. I was purely in "high school" for two years. I was all at BCC for two years, and then I'll be at Greenville for two years.
I know I still have weeks to go of my Junior year, and my senior year is still to be lived and hopefully lived well. I know I still have people to be met, and tests to be taken. And most frightening... a senior recital to be planned, and executed and several juries beforehand to be passed. So I like to think all of those things will go well. So here's my optimism that the plan will go forth and be be prosperous.
So what am I doing while everyone else in my year is applying to grad schools, and working on internships and occupational issues? I'm thinking. I'll get there. I have a million things going on my head right now. Like a clock with multiple hands spinning each direction... at some point they're all bound to stop somewhere. And here's hoping they land on the same destination.
So I guess the conclusion is, I see my life. I see my life as a thing yet to be grasped. Whatever happens now is not the end of my life. I need to keep stretching out my hands until I grasp it. Actually, I don't know how that means anything. I just like to make metaphors. But, it's such a weird limbo land to be in this position. With all the wide eyed wonder and sometimes frightened heart of someone my age, yet with the same open doors of those much older than I. I don't feel like it's too much too soon. I think I'm ready. I just think I'm seeing it all from a rather odd angle. An angle that no one could really predict for me.
And so, I conclude this journal-like blog by acknowledging the fact that I eat my (gluten free) cake before I even bake it. Now while in reality that could be a very bad, and physically disturbing thing, in the world of my mind, it refreshes me, and invites me to continue. To look on what is before me, and yet to occur, and take heart that it indeed is good, and handed by Hands that guide and protect me all the days of my life. And so concludes my portrait this evening. And now my blood shot eyes may find rest once more at this indecent and exhausted hour.
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