I couldn't get you out of My head

Why does it have to rain? When it rains it just gets cold. I wanted to wear a dress today. But it's raining. And some may argue that wearing a dress will contradict the weather enough to make me feel better. But no. It would only make me colder. I miss the sun. I don't mind sweating as long as it's naturally induced. In church today, it was so hot. Humid, full of artificial warmth that made me feel light headed.

I know it may seem that I am in a complaining mood. But really, I'm just contemplative. Today is Palm Sunday. I miss my church. I miss getting the palm branches. We didn't do that at the church I go to here in Greenville. And I admit I was spacing a little during the sermon. I just continued reading through the Gospel of Mark on my own, as the pastor's monotone voice never lifted in my grasping hearing. Hosannah. It comes from a Hebrew word meaning "save." All I could hear in my head was Dave Blocker singing, "Save us! Save us Lord! Hosannah, Hosannah!" And then the rest of the Come Alive choir coming in singing, "Save us, Save us Lord, Hosannah, Hosannah!" I actually miss it. We did that Cantata that lasted all through Holy Week twice. I doubt I'll ever forget those songs.

So, when Jesus was coming into Jerusalem, they were crying out praises that come from a word meaning "save." Jesus hadn't been crucified yet. They were still awaiting the Savior. So why do I still feel as though everyday I still must cry, "save me Lord"? It's like every morning I sigh His name, asking for strength in my silence. Lately, every morning when I crack open my eyes, I use my hands to stretch out my face as I breath in deeply. It's a decision to let the breath back into the room from my lungs in a quiet manner. And then I toss my covers and pillows aside, and begin. Everyday I need to receive Him again. Everyday Hosannah is a needed, desperate cry.

Our God is so good. His compassion overwhelms the fallen and causes them to stand again. It's so overwhelming it makes black turn to white. And it's so overwhelming, it causes me to be still. It causes me to hardly even enter in, closer than I am sometimes, because I don't even know what to do. Sometimes I just exist and know, and that's all. I know He is holding me. I know He is the lover of my soul. I know He's holding my heart, and my hands, and my feet, and my voice, and my face in His hands, staring deeply into me until I can stare back at Him. It's too much for me. Sometimes I don't even have the energy to stare back. But He won't stop! He won't look away...

When I was on a missions trip to Mexico with my youth group in 2007, we went to LA first for training with YWAM. There was a "commitment service" that was basically just prayer, and seeking the Lord. And the Lord spoke to me that night. He gave me this vision.... it was like I was watching a movie screen...  I saw Jesus, and it was like the whole journey to Calvary was re enacted. But I was in front of Him the whole time. And His eyes stayed locked on me. He didn't look away. His eyes never swayed away from me. They whipped Him. His eyes stayed on me. They beat Him. His eyes stayed on me. They spit, they cursed, they fought. His eyes stayed on me. And as He was raised on the cross, His eyes never closed from the vision they gave.... me standing before Him. And then I was overwhelmed with the voice that said, "I just couldn't stop thinking of you. I couldn't get you out of my head!" 

I believe God gave me that vision. I don't take prophecy and visions from the Lord lightly. I weigh them out, seeking discernment, but I believe God showed me some of His heart that night. And as I wept into my knees curled up to my face, I was absolutely broken in His love for me. His love for each person. He could only think of me. He could only think of you. He could only think of us. 

When I got home from that trip, I co-wrote the song "Prodigal." One of the lines was, "I couldn't get you out of my head." Oh the desperate love our Savior endures every moment... 

I'm not sure. I've never understood in this way. I didn't know... what a powerful Lover He is... how can it be? 

I'm silenced by His love, in a way I've never been silenced by any other love. I'm broken, I'm unmotivated. I'm lazy... I can hardly open my Bible... I can't focus... I'm desperate to breathe, and get these weeks over with. 

So as I sit beside my Bible, unintentionally hearing the slurs of gathered rain bubbling the streets as cars tread over them absent mindedly, I remember and experience this day. As the people cried out, it is also true of me. I relive this desperation of Palm Sunday in a new way, today. Desperate for salvation, so am I desperate to receive it again in His loving desperation for me. As I whisper in my spirit, "Save me Lord," So He comes back at me with those eyes, "I couldn't get you out of my head."