Twenty-One

Once I was back in Jersey, I was better. Once I could just forget about Caleb, and enjoy his friendship, I was just fine.

I was in a weird place about love, anyway. I had an odd, strong feeling that it wouldn't be long for me, but at the same time felt like it'd be years and year. I confided in Blakeley that I had a hunch it wouldn't be long. I held to it. Or more, it held to me. It was hard to shake.

October 2011 hit, and something strange happened.

You know those hilarious crushes you get over someone you never spoke to ever? Well, my old Greenville crush and I became friends on facebook. We had never spoken, but we started to. Yikes. Maybe God had spoken to me, and I was going to get in a relationship with this guy. It was a dream anyway.

November hit, and Caleb and I skyped one night. We skyped for about two hours. During those two hours, I asked Caleb if he;d found the woman of his dreams yet. He told me no. I asked if he was interested in anyone.

He squirmed in his green sweatshirt. He started, "Uhhhhhhhhgggg I dunno, I'm not sure, really..."

"CALEB!!!" I was overjoyed for him. "Ask her out! I don't care where you go or how you ask her, but you HAVE TO. This is HUGE!!"

"I dunno, Shai..."

"Caleb, you have got to take a chance. I'll pay for the date. heck, I'll buy you a gift card, and just use that. you don't even have to pay! You have to ask her out."

I wasn't getting through.

"Caleb, if she says no, I'll fly out there, and we'll go out so we don't waste money. But you have to ask her." I went on about how he's awesome, and shouldn't worry about what this girl would say.

It was normal to skype with Caleb, and I didn't think about him romantically at all. I was kind of giddy about this other guy I'd been talking with. But I was getting cold feet.

So I decided to mention it to Caleb. He had talked to me about his potential interest. And I didn't want to give him the impression I was interested in him. But I left out romantic feelings for this Greenville guy. I simply told Caleb he and I were talking a little bit, but I didn't want to give the "wrong impression" and I wasn't sure if I should keep talking to him. Caleb confirmed the guy was Godly, and a great person. That's all it took. Caleb said it, so it must be true. Caleb said if I over analyzed it, I could miss out on an awesome friendship.

I told my mom and Alex what Caleb said about this other Greenville guy, and they agreed. So this Greenville guy and I kept talking here and there, and I didn't feel weird anymore.

That week Zach, Caleigh and I were recording our EP in Nashville. But our Nashville flight got canceled. Zach was already in Nashville, and Caleigh and I were stranded at the airport, desperate to get a flight out. I was texting Caleb like a fool, and finally had the idea of flying into St. Louis to drive down with Jared the next morning, since he was going to meet up there anyway. Caleb confirmed his mom would pick us up, and we'd stay at the Arb's that night and go to the Blue's Game that night as well. Caleb was so excited to see us.

But right as we were about to board the plane, my amazing idea struck me. Blakeley was in St. Louis, and heading to Nashville that night. One of my best friends. So we quickly threw together our ideas, and Blakeley and Jared were coming to pick us up, and drive down to Nashville.

I called Caleb with only a few seconds to tell him not to have his mom get us, and that we had someone else getting us, and I'd see him later. I thanked him for being so willing to help, and hung up. And that was that.

In Nashville, we were recording Too Much, Away, and In the Eyes. Caleb and I texted a bit while we were in Nashville, and it was very relaxed and friendly. When it came time to record Too Much, I was pumped. I was so eager to sing, I couldn't stand it anymore. I was so pumped up, I felt like I would pop.

I was in the recording room, and sang my be-donk off. I kept imagining Caleb standing in front of me, finally able to scream (sing) at him for being so indecisive. He fought so hard to deny that he really did feel the same way. But I knew it. I knew he liked me so many times. He would change his mind, but I could read it on his face every time.

I went back in time. I was back at the library. I was back in the car when we crashed against the rail. I was laying on his shoulder in the car after Jr Sr. I was sitting with him at Jay and Alex's engagement party. I remembered how angry I'd been. How hurt I'd felt. How I just felt like screaming.  He would even move the way I do... we folded our arms the same way. He leaned on one hand while we worked at our computers in the library so long ago. We tapped the same foot at concerts. I knew we were seeing the same thing. Every time. If he could just let it set inside his heart... I balled my fists, and sang hard, and felt it surge through me... the anger... the frustration... the confusion...

But when I left that recording room, and knew the job was well done, I got out of the time machine. And thoughts of Caleb were no more. I revisited the site of the scene to get the emotion I needed. It was successful, and that was all.

When I sat back down in the room with Zach, Caleigh, Stephen (producer) and Jared, I looked at my hands, and saw I had made bruises on my hands, and indented from my fingernails. I showed everyone, and told Zach I just imagined Caleb standing in front of me and sang like I meant it.

"Yeah, you guys should date, and like, get married." Zach told me.

UHM. WHUT. Where did that come from?! That was completely uncalled for. It irritated me.

And I was still talking to that other guy. As friends. But nonetheless... it was still so evidently "too much" for Caleb. And I know I said "I'll wait I know I can reach you" to the imaginary Caleb in my time-machine recording booth... but I didn't mean it.