Alisa Gunter was in her office in Snyder (the building my class was in), when I asked her why my class wasn't in the classroom. Apparently they'd changed the time. Since I was sick the day before, I'd missed the memo.
Alisa asked how we all were, since she'd seen Caleb's posts on facebook about our wreck. I sat in her office and chatted with her until my class started a little later. No way was I gonna walk through the snow with that leg again.
I'd sipped my gatorade trying so hard to get some hydration, though fearful of what it would do to my stomach.
I spent that week of Interterm journaling. Not taking notes. I did that too... occasionally... but I just couldn't get my mind together. I'd keep flashing back. Flashing back to what, one might wondering... since I could only remember one moment. One moment. With Caleb. That's it.
But I started to realize it just wasn't going to happen with Caleb. It clearly wasn't. In fact that girl he'd apparently been done with... her roommate was in the class with me, and told me she'd heard all about the wreck because of her roommate. I figured he wasn't really over her, like he professed to be. Whatever.
I kept hoping Caleb would show up in my class. I was so excited, because he said he was going to sit in a time or two. I was so disappointed when he didn't.
That Saturday, Zach and I were opening for a friend's show in St. Louis. I was so nervous, because Caleb was going to be there. I was afraid I'd fall in love with him or something. Caleigh had been asking me if I'd fallen for him again after he "saved my life." But I told her I really didn't think so.
Though I did get nervous.
When I saw Caleb, it wasn't a big deal. In fact, I remember thinking I didn't like his haircut. It was too short. I loved his hair before. But he'd cut it because he was leaving for China for the study abroad program he was doing.
Once I felt sure I wasn't crushing on Caleb, I relaxed. I sat with him and put my bum leg up until it was my turn to play with Zach. Caleb stayed next to me, and we'd joke back and forth. I sat by him while I waited for the song I sang guest vocals on with another band that night.
Afterwards, Caleb and I had conspired for a little birthday celebration for Zach at Dave and Busters. A few of us went out and celebrated. We stayed at Caleb's house that night. Little did Caleb know we were throwing him a surprise farewell party the next day. We would be part of the distraction part until the party.
I sat on that bed in the guest bedroom, and honestly felt a little sad. Every stinkin' time there was the slightest spark between Caleb and I, it just puffed back into thin air. And I always felt foolish for it.
That same night one of my good guy friends who'd been asking me out for months told me he'd gone out with some girl that night. I was glad he was getting a hint, but I felt bad that he gave up. I just wanted someone to stick to it. None of this spark and then "Just kidding!" stuff.
Another good friend texted me that night. He'd also been pretty hard at pursuing me. But it felt good. He said one thing. And acted the same way. Consistent.
I was tired. In a few ways. And Caleb was going to China. I was a fool. I always fell for the wrong guy. I went to bed that night a little defeated, but sure of my resolve. No Caleb.
The next week before Caleb left for China was confusing. I went to the last Improv Show Caleb would be in before he left for China. I sat with his family. Caleb came up to me afterwards, and hugged me so tight. Oh, I loved that guy... but I was almost eager for him to go. Let me totally forget about him. I wouldn't feel guilty anymore if I allowed someone else to pursue me. Someone who could prove me wrong. Maybe I could fall for someone. Maybe someone different wouldn't break my heart.
Before I left that night, Caleb found me one more time, and hugged me even tighter. A good goodbye hug. His hugs felt so good. I liked that he gave me attention when everyone else was crowding around him begging for it.
Walking out that door from Ladue Auditorium was a relief. I could get on with life. Caleb could go to China, and I could get on with my life.
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