Eighteen

Almost normal.

The next day I had an early keyboard ensemble rehearsal. Caleb texted me from Nashville and told me about his interview. I was feeling really confused by him. The spell had broken, hadn't it? But then he'd texted me all morning about his interview. Whatever.

Later that week, a bunch of us went out to Mario's for dinner. It was raining so hard, and we all piled into Zach and Caleb's apartment afterwards. It wasn't long before I had to go to teach swing dancing for the swing dancing group.

I showed Caleb a simple step, and asked him to come with me. I really begged. He was smiling, and I thought he was about to say yes.

He might as well have been nodding his head by the expression on his face.

"Uhmmmmm.... no thanks..."

I probably asked three more times before I left. Every time I thought he was going to give in and just come. I could clearly see he wanted to. What was the deal!? So. Confused.

He was so sweet all through dinner. Sat by me, and chatted with me. And then denied me. What was it with this guy? I shook it off and went to swing dancing, and didn't really consider it much afterwards.

Graduation was then within weeks.

I spoke at Vespers for the final Vespers of the year, my last Vespers as a student.

Caleb texted me afterwards, and said great job, and invited me up to the apartment to watch Tangled. I hadn't known he'd come back to school. He'd spent only a week in Greenville before going home before graduation since his study abroad ended earlier than the regular semester.

He texted me back saying he wouldn't have missed it.

Caleb was like a brother. It made me feel so good, and so valued that he came back to Greenville just because he knew I was speaking. It was precious to me that he came. I felt precious to him.

So one of my friends and I came up to the apartment. Caleb sat on the couch, as well as a bunch of other people. When I say apartment 310 was the hot spot, I mean it was thee place to be. Caleb offered his spot for me, but I said it was fine, and asked if it was ok to just lean on his legs on the floor. He said of course, and I was happy.

A few days later I woke up sick, and threw up. Zach told me later in the day that I could use his apartment to make soup for dinner. He was out, so he told me to ask Caleb to open the door for me. I called Caleb, and he offered to make it for me so I didn't have to leave my dorm. I told him I needed to get out and do something because I'd been in bed all day. He told me to meet him on Scott Field, because of all the end of the year festivities. I met him there, and we walked up to Tower (the apartments) and I made my soup.

While I was making it, he ran out real quick, and came back with gatorade and Vitamin water for me.

He was just so sweet.

But I was tired of being confused, and frustrated about his mixed signals. I was hanging out with one of my other guys friends quite a bit, and I decided I'd quit overanalyzing things, and just roll with it. Rumors were starting about me and this other guy, and I didn't stop them.

I'd been interested in Caleb. But he made me so frustrated. I was tired of constantly misreading him. Maybe we didn't get each other as well as I'd thought.

I was within his reach if he wanted to pursue me, but he didn't. He kept up with his "So happy to be single" stories, and I felt bad. He would flirt with me, and be so sweet, then smack me in the heart every time for thinking he was treating me different than everyone else. Of course no one ever spoke anything out loud. It was all between the lines. I just kept shrugging it off.

Graduation Day came, and both of our families united to celebrate.

That night a bunch of us went to the Spaghetti Factory. Caleb caught me on our way out and asked me if I liked my other friend. I wasn't really sure yet, but my hesitation gave Caleb enough assurance I probably did.

Ugh. Caleb was all happy for me again. Really?

I felt sad that he would come so close to pursuing me, let me "fall asleep" on his shoulder, and fall asleep leaning on my head, and then encourage me to fall in love with some other guy.

I figured I'd just let go of everything. If someone else pursued me, maybe I'd just roll with wherever that led. If Caleb wouldn't fight for me, I didn't want him. I loved him, but I wanted to be pursued. If he's just-like-that-take-a-step-away the instant he suspected he'd have competition, I didn't want to be the girl under his arm. I was disappointed, but shrugged it off.

And then, reality struck.

I was newly graduated. And I hadn't a clue what was going on.