Twenty

By the time the weekend in September rolled around, I wasn't so eager. I was excited to see Caleb, but I was fairly simmered down as far as feelings went.

Zach and I left for St. Louis on a Friday night. When we got to St. Louis, Caleb and Stephen were supposed to be picking us up form the Airport. We couldn't find them at first. I turned a corner, and saw Stephen stalking around in his studly way. And Caleb was a little behind him. We all turned around and saw each other at once, and the boys did their chest bumps and I hugged everyone. Caleb hugged me so tightly, and took my bag for me. He kept his arm around me as we walked to the car, but it didn't throw me off too bad. We'd become such chummy friends.

I called shotgun, and we all drove to Delmar to the Loop where we'd meet up with tons more Greenville people. Including my roommate, Trina.

I practically leaped out of the car to hug Trina. The car had hardly stopped.

As Caleb turned around to park the car, I whispered to Trina that I thought something was cooking between Caleb and I.

"I don't doubt it, Shaina, I never did. I bet something could happen." She told me.

We all went to Fro Yo and sat down outside. It was so nice outside.

Now, this may sound like I was pleasantly interested in Caleb, and Caleb alone. But I wasn't. See, I was still trying to figure out what Shaina's heart truly wanted. And there was someone else I just wasn't totally sure about yet, either.

But that evening made me feel more certain about Caleb. So many of us in that gathering were college graduates, starting new jobs, beginning a new life. We all connected so well. And I felt like Caleb and I were so much more on the same page than me and anyone else. Just that usual feeling of acceptance and understanding Caleb and I tended to share.

When we were getting ready to leave, Alex called me. I was supposed to stay the night with her in her new apartment. The next day was her and Jay's engagement party. The whole reason Zach and I were in St. Louis.

Zach was staying over Caleb's. I was so excited to see Alex, but a little sad to say goodnight to Caleb.

Alex told me her water hadn't been turned on yet, though, and that I might want to stay at Caleb's. So it was decided.

I walked up to Caleb and told him the news. When we got to Caleb's, the three of us hung out for a little bit, but I decided I'd retire to go to bed earlier than they did. I said goodnight, and went up to the guest bedroom. As I walked passed all the pictures in the hallway, I thought to myself how I felt like I belonged somewhere in the collage of frames. I felt like I fit in.

I took out my journal, and wrote about the night. I was thinking about all the possibilities I had in life, since I was single, and unattached to anywhere specific. I thought about moving to St. Louis the following Summer, after teaching for a year in NJ.

Especially since I had a hunch I might be dating a certain someone by the following summer...

Just then, Caleb texted me, and asked if I'd like a lullaby. I said of course. I wasn't sure what he had up his sleeve, but he came into my room wearing his glasses. I thought he looked so cute.

He played Goodnight by the Beatles on his computer for me. He was so cute. He told me he was sorry he couldn't sing for me himself, but that it'd have to do. I thanked him, and he said goodnight, and went back downstairs.

Flirty. And so cute. I took it in, and wrote about it in my journal, but still wasn't entirely sure which guy I really was interested in. It sounds bad to say, but I was skeptical of Caleb, due to the past. He could so easily recreate the past, and confuse me to no end. It didn't make me feel safe. I felt foolish so many times with Caleb before, but I didn't really worry about it. I just enjoyed being with him.

The next day, Alex and I went to the Thrift Store. We were going through the aisle of vases and home decor, when she said, "I want to know why Caleb Arb doesn't have some amazing woman in his life. He is just so awesome."

"I know!" I replied. In all honesty, I didn't know why he didn't just pick one already. Whoever he picked. Just pick a girl. He could have anyone he wanted. We shared our thoughts about how Caleb is such a great guy, and whoever he spends his life with would be a lucky girl.

While Alex and I got ready for her engagement party, I shared with her my confusion about how I felt about some guy. But completely left Caleb out of it. I didn't know what it was, but I didn't want to bring Caleb into it. So I didn't. Until Alex asked me herself.

"What about you and Caleb? I always had a hunch about you two."

"I don't know Alex... I don't know what it is. It just never works. Something is just always off, and not right, and it's so confusing."

That night in Forest Park, I met up with Zach and Caleb when they got to the party. Caleb and I stood talking and laughing, even when Zach wandered off greeting other old friends from college. Alex walked past me, and she and I had a "You're standing next to Caleb and you look so cute!" and "I know! I don't know what this means but it's fun!" exchange with our eyes.

We all claimed our seats, and Caleb sat next to me. I could have read into it more, but he and I knew each other. It probably didn't mean a thing. But I didn't mind it. Caleb asked me if I wanted to get a drink, and we walked over to the drinks table and both got some juice, and sat down. Alex and I had another eye conversation as Caleb and I sat down. He gave me some of his food, when he saw I couldn't eat very much, since I'm gluten-intolerant.

That night, Zach, Caleb and I headed out to Greenville. On the way there, Caleb turned down the music. I was sitting in the back. He started to confess some things to Zach and I. At the party, I had heard Caleb make comments about how some people were just foolish about getting married. He had made some other negative comments in general about people getting married.

I couldn't hear him talk very well, since i was in the back. But I heard enough.

"I don't think I'll be in any place to get married for a long, long time..." My heart sank just a little. "I had a dream... I was getting married... and the girl who was supposed to be my wife was walking down the aisle... and I didn't love her..." I was starting to feel sick.  "I just feel like I'm bitter after what I've already been through. I know I am. And I don't know how long it'll take to get over it..."

So there it was. He kept talking, but I couldn't hear him, and I didn't care. I was hurt. He had flirted with me all night. I was happy about it. I loved him so much, but it had happened again.

I texted my mom, and told her I doubted I'd ever find anybody. She asked if there was anything with Caleb. I told her there wasn't. She said God knew exactly who he had for me, and he was probably right under my nose, just waiting on God's timing. And I doubted.

When we got to Greenville, we hung out with a bunch of people. I got to hang and play some music with some old friends, too.

As I lay on the floor of Trina and Haley's room, I just ached. Haley came in late, and I was still awake, my ind racing over the events of the day and previous night. She and I talked till 4am. I was so confused, but I decided I needed a musician. In other words, not Caleb. Singing and playing music with a man who I loved for the rest of my life would be like chicken soup that could cure a cold. I talked to Haley about my night, and about how frustrated I was about Caleb. And I felt more relaxed about the other guy I hadn't been sure about. I concluded. It wasn't Caleb. It could never be Caleb. I was done. So done. So overcooked about it. It was over, and I was done.