Justified

It's moments like this I am so glad I can blog. I don't think I've ever heard something from God and not wanted to share it immediately with someone. The thing is, I don't always want to just go call my BFF or something like that. I feel like screaming it. I'm a little on the exuberant side:)

So tonight I was at the DC( dining commons). Seriously, this was like 20 minutes ago. I was eating with my roommate's boyfriend, and when he had to go, I got up and sat with a bunch of my swing dancing friends. I was still hungry. Sometimes being gluten intolerant hardcore sucks. They don't always make the best gluten free meals. They try. Their efforts can be cute. Other times... you get the picture.

So I put my stuff down at the table, and declared I was going to get ice cream.



There are not many things I can eat in the DC. Between cross contamination concerns and there just being straight up gluten in the food, I'm pretty limited. Ice cream is a good option. Vanilla!

So I started on a tangent. "I, " I paused to draw attention to my silly declaration. "am going to get ice cream." I explained my reasoning. I can't get much else. I need food. I can't dance my life away tonight if I have no fat to burn. Something had to be done.

My friend Josh was chewing. He had his fork in his left hand, with his finger up. I looked at him to see what he had to say.

He swallowed and said, "You don't have to justify yourself."

Just like that.

I paused, and said, "Thank you," and walked away to retrieve my ice cream.

I wasn't expecting that.

I was trying to be funny to some extent with my ranting. But more than a mere fraction of me was exposed by Josh's words.

Many of you know I like to live in the light... as in I like to be exposed. I don't like hiding who I am, or what I am. Even the crap. Even the ugly. I'm an advocate to live in unity in our struggles and to be set free in the exposure of the Light. I hate hiding. I hate being fake. I'm really not a fake person. If you know me, I hope you'd see that.

So... I'm gonna expose a little bit of myself here. Most of me is willing to be exposed. So... here goes.

So often times I identify myself in my size. I'm kind of a little person. I'm 5 foot 2. I have little bones. The only thing big about me is my hair. I am a health nut, and also gluten intolerant. I love exercising. I love sweating and feeling like I just moved a mountain after running. I love being in shape. I love feeling healthy. I love being healthy. Most of the time I am pretty healthy. Physically.

Mentally... that's a different story.

You see... I've never had an eating disorder. I love food. I could never starve myself. I absolutely loathe throwing up. I could never do that. To say I haven't tried would be a lie. But it's the truth to say I never actually succeeded in making myself throw up.

Physically, I've not succeeded in that arena. But mentally, I've been sick.

I'll never forget when I finally realized I really do struggle with this. It was during the All College Hike, 2010. I slept in. I was way tired, and skipped the hike. And I ate some cake for breakfast. Not only did I skip the 5 mile hike, but I ate crap. I actually cried. The torment I felt because I ate something "unnatural" so early in the day was absolutely ridiculous. I decided I needed help. And I talked to my best friend, Bi, at home. From that day in September, it's like I've been set free. I've been really open about the struggle that paralyzes me from time to time. And Im not ashamed for the most part. Sometimes I am. But sometimes I'm not.

Right now, I'm choosing to talk about this for the sake of living in community with all of you. There is healing that comes from confessing. The Bible says it. The Holy Spirit demonstrates it. And it's true.

So, back to my ice cream tonight. I walked away in such silence. In such healing... I didn't need to justify myself. I could go freaking get the ice cream I wanted.

And you know what? I love ice cream. I would have likely gotten some even if I had other options that I don't have because I'm gluten intolerant.

You know what else God exposed me in through that one comment Josh said tonight? I don't need to justify myself with God either.

When I go to God and explain all the reasons why I'm talking to Him... uhm, hello dear. Just speak. Just be. Don't even go there. Don't even try to do what's already been done. Because why? Because it's already done. Because we're already justified.

That's what this week is about. Holy Week... the week from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday.

To celebrate the fact that we are justified.

I'm expecting Josh's comment to carry in my head for a long time. He spoke a mere six words to me. Striking, isn't it?

So that's something new for me. No more justifying what's already justified. Whether it's what I'm eating or not eating, or what's already been nailed to the cross.

The best part about the stuff that's already been nailed to the cross, is that's where it ended. The resurrection only included Jesus. Not the list of wrongs we like to keep about ourselves and others. Easter is all about the resurrection of Jesus.

But I think sometimes we make Resurrection Day everyday. And I don't mean we wake up everyday and yell to our neighbors, "Jesus is alive!" No. I think we bring back to life those things that were already justified. Already died. Already nailed and done. Justified.

I do not want to wake up to yell to everyone I come in contact with what "is alive!" which should be dead.

So enough of this justifying ourselves. Resurrection Day only includes Jesus.

You don't have to justify yourself.