Look me in the eyes

I just have to share some thoughts of mine right now...

I'm just constantly at a gap for words with some stuff lately. And the way my mind works, is somehow I just look for a rhyme or reason like crazy till things that confuse me make sense. Something that God keeps putting in my head is this... how I just can't look into the eyes of Love.

Love confuses me unlike anything else ever has. At this point in my life anyway. When you don't understand how someone can love you so much, and you feel anything you have in return is just so lowly, it's not worth even feeling. And Love still bores into you with eyes absolutely overflowing for you...

God's Love is just unbearable to me right now. Any earthly comparison is not even a comparison. And that makes me just want to cry. I just don't understand Him... I just don't understand anything about God at all. The more I learn about Him, the farther away I feel I am from ever making sense of anything about Him.

I'm the kind of person who tries to make sense of things. I try to make sense of everything and connect it all together. Literally everything is connected in my head... yes I'm a girl and my brain is likely very much like spaghetti, all connected and all together.

If you're a male, and this blog confuses you already... just be thankful my thoughts can be contained in my head. And that you have the option of only minimal exposure to what goes down under this crazy hair of mine through my blogs and all that.

A vision I keep feeling like God won't let me get away from is this... Him. Looking at me through Love, and me trying so hard to get away from it. Cause it doesn't make sense to me. Like He's holding me in His arms, like I'm a stinking baby... and burying my face because I just cannot look in His eyes. Because it's too much. But He forces me to. He will not let me get away without meeting His Love. Without seeing it. But it absolutely destroys me... because I absolutely cannot get away from it, cannot make sense of it. Cannot understand it.

It messes me up. I'm completely thrown off balance.

It's a really emotional thing for me... it messes me up.

Imagine that. Seriously. I know this blog is all over the place, but I won't apologize for that. Just think about that though. Someone holding your face in His hands, refusing to let you dodge the realness, the depth of His love. Holds your gaze, will not let you hide. It's not enough to just know that He loves you. He will not let you get away... you will see it. You will see His love. What you do after that isn't the issue. It's that He will not allow you to escape without meeting His love.

It just breaks me.

It's like all masks fall off... all lies break... all barriers disperse... there is nothing in between His Love and you. His Love and me.

Complete and utter and entire exposure.

It's absolutely frightening. Terrifying. And so real. So so real.

I keep hearing Him say to me, "Shaina Joy, look me in the eyes." And it destroys me.