A new dream

Three blogs belong to January so far. And now four. I suppose apologizing to myself is a silly thing to do, especially since it's not that I haven't been writing. I've been writing nonstop. Seemingly. I've been journaling a ton. Things I'd never think to blog about. I'm a writer. If you don't see new blogs posted, just assume the words are pouring out of me and landing in a different way. Sometimes I go back to the old fashioned way. A pencil and paper.

I'm in Nashville! I should be working on my Church in the City final right now, but since I took a ton of notes and got the idea of what I'm going to write, I decided a few moments to unravel might prove beneficial.

I love it here. Is it me? I'm not totally sure. But I think I'm learning something. Not everything is me. And it shouldn't require "being me" to bear it.

How could I imagine myself in a place, in a life I have yet to live? Sometimes life takes unexpected, and turbulent turns that throw us out the window. Sometimes our cars drift and hit the rails on I-70 on the way back to school, leaving us bleeding and bruised and crying before we know what really happened. Sometimes people say things we don't understand, and other times they say things we understand all too well.

My point is this: I think I'm going to live here. I want to live here. I don't care that it's very different than my life growing up in beautiful, flawless New Jersey by amazing Philadelphia and breathtaking beaches. I don't care that it's not 50 minutes away from St. Louis, and in the middle of thousands of corn fields. It's going to be a new chapter in my life. Something I dreamed of, but wasn't sure if it'd ever be reality.

Right now, I'll accept the fact that it will be. I'll accept the possibility of having "no life" working and making money to keep up on apartment/house payments and just pleading with God to let me get one cut on a song.

But you know what? That is thee life to me right now. It's the life I'm after, the one I feel set free to live.

A word God gave me over Christmas was this: I am pouring into you a new dream.

A new dream. Something different. Something I maybe wasn't expecting. Something that is not in my past. My future holds things not of my past. Even if the dreams of my past were beautiful, which I still think they are.

So here is where I am right now. I feel sort of stilled. Yes, I feel overwhelmed by a pouring in of other new things, but I feel like I'm just waiting to be filled. With new dreams. With opportunities that don't make sense... I'm waiting to be filled with new dreams. Maybe the new things in my life right now will start to make sense soon.

These are my broken up thoughts. I just needed to write. So, here's to a new dream. Many. Many new dreams.