Ten

Time went on that Fall, and Caleb and I coexisted quite nicely, actually. There were moments I'd notice him more than others, but for the most part, I was deeply absorbed into my own broken heart over my own issues.

At some point, I started to let go. I started to actually enjoy my Senior year of college, without a nagging weight on my heart about who was and who was not waiting for me in NJ. Fall of 2010 was life changing for me. Trina (my roommate) and I became best friends, and I just enjoyed my classes.

There were times though, that I was not entirely changed. If anyone asked me out, I said no regardless of emotion. Usually I had absolutely none. I would cry to my mom on the phone that I didn't even know what love was anymore. Every time I'd thought I'd found it, it turned around and whipped me bad. I didn't like love. I didn't want it. I felt mocked if anyone would pursue. How dare they remind me of the pain I'd endured? No thank you.

Caleb and I were in COR 401 together. A few times we all gathered together. There were 6 of us in our group, and we'd gather around Zach and Caleb's apartment to study and work on our project. We'd have at least one meeting a week. I remember one time Caleb read one of my annotations for our bibliography.

"This is awesome, Shaina," He'd said to me.

Sitting at their kitchen table, for a moment, I remembered why I'd liked him so much.

It was like I caught the scent of May 2010, but turned around to find where it came from, all to find no one there. Just like that, I'd lost it.

I viewed him as if I'd just met him. Our past Spring interaction was seemingly forgotten. I called myself foolish for my crush, and thought I'd come back to reality once I was "over" him. I was just rebounding, right? I was a little embarrassed.

I'd watch him sometimes, and get annoyed by him. His "interest" wasn't someone I knew, nor hung out with. I found myself irritated by the way he acted when he was with her or talking about her. But I was happy that he was happy. He was one of my brother's roommates. He was practically another brother.

So many times Caleb would come to our COR meetings late, and all flustered. I'd get frustrated because I'd be there waiting for an hour or more sometimes. I figured I'd dodged a bullet by nothing happening between him and I earlier that year.

That November, I came into Zach's apartment. I sat by Zach in their room, and vented my frustrations about the guy I couldn't let go of back home. The truth was, I was Caleb. Caleb was me. The things that frustrated me about him, were happening to me, too. I'd walk into their apartment frustrated, and hurting. I'd write heated, angry songs, and send them to Zach so we could possibly perform them. Zach would always tell me they were a little too emotional or exposed. I tried not to cry as I told Zach the latest news of my failing hope.

Caleb had been out on the couch in the living room. I didn't know he'd been listening. He started asking me what was going on. I didn't mind, though I was a little off guard. After all, I did like him in the past. I felt even more foolish for just a second. Let's tell one of my other failed hopes how yet another relationship in my life just couldn't last. Maybe he'd dodged a bullet with me, too. But it felt nice to be normal and not awkward with someone I really did like so much. Our friendship was perfectly fine. It was impressive.

He was really sweet. He was definitely negative about my stubbornness, holding onto what wasn't there. Almost the way a brother would be. He defended me, and said I didn't deserve that. I hadn't exactly let go, yet. I felt there had to be some sliver of hope left. I clung to it like a vine that had grown around an arbor.

And Caleb was still happy in his "relationship." Or so I thought. After all, Caleb and I didn't go study one on one anymore. I didn't know anything going on in his life, aside from what I'd seen. I didn't concern myself with him. I was in enough of a mess in my heart to care.