Remember

I just found some old pictures from my anatomy ultrasound when we found out Selah would be Selah-- a baby girl.

It's amazing that I used to carry her around inside of me. Like we were one. I remember feeling lonely when I first had her. I was alone for the first time in nine months. That time really was so precious. I felt so overwhelmed with so many thoughts and emotions. I was hardly able to contain my wild thoughts, but I couldn't control them enough to write them down. I couldn't write when I was pregnant. it was such a strange time for me. I'm a writer at my core. But I couldn't write.

Whenever (if ever) baby #2 should happen in our lives, I want to make it a point to try to write a lot more than I did when I was pregnant with Selah.

I remember a lot, though. Even though I didn't capture the thoughts as they occurred, I remember.

I remember feeling my unborn daughter stretch and kick and punch inside me, and seeing it on the screen during the ultrasound. That movement matched what I felt. Yes, I really was pregnant. I was carrying a baby. Somehow I didn't really believe it, even seeing it with my own eyes.

And now, still, I look at my baby girl. I see her Daddy's eyes when she looks at me. I know where she came from. But I still can't believe she's truly mine.

Living in the moment is almost impossible. Sometimes I'm better at living when I'm reliving moments from my memory. I can't grasp how truly precious and valuable time is, until it's past. I know this goes against all the songs about living like we're dying, and stop trying to make time go faster, live in the moment, blah blah blah...

I'm honestly, genuinely asking... am I even able to do that? Did God give us memory so that we could embrace the life in moments even after they're passed?

I've always been a little enamored with memory. Something about remembering is elusive, mysterious, wonderful. Memory is beautiful in the Bible, every time. It's grieved if memory is forgotten or left unattended.

There's purpose for it.

Memory enhances today. Today is different because of the memory we hold, and the memory we will make.

Yes, at times I'm able to embrace the current second with arms wide open, even as the hands of time tick by.

But more often, reflecting on the past has a bigger impact on me.

Reflection is a gift. It has a purpose. Even if I fail to write, I own a memory.

I'll always reflect on these moments I have with my baby girl. I can't contain the amazingness of this time. I can't even comprehend it. So I'll just live it the best I can, so I'll have a memory to look back on.