I will

My 6 month old daughter is staring me down right now. I put her down for a nap just now. She starting moving not more than a few moment later. She lifted her head, and looked up at me and smiled and started kicking her chubby legs.

It's not nap time, Mama. It's play time.

It's just the thing with little ones. There is no schedule, even if I know there is one. There's no time limit, even if I say there is. There's no night time, and day time, and play time and nap time. It's just time for whatever the little one needs or wants.

In a way this is kind of beautiful. My child is not bound by the expectations that come with each passing moment the way that I am.

My baby girl has her basic needs, but other than that she's just happy to be alive, happy to see me, happy to kick me and pull my hair.

Of course it is entirely true that I've learned a great deal about myself since having this baby girl. My Selah Mei Arb. I've discovered more of myself while losing a great deal of myself, too. Who can keep up when most of my moments revolve around timing how long I might have to shave my legs if I just fed her?

It overwhelms me how much I can't control things. It overwhelms me how many opinions and "answers" people have when on the subject of raising and training my child. Should I let her cry it out at night? Is it ok to nurse to sleep? Should I put her on a strict schedule?

I heard someone say recently that caring for another person is sacrificial. It's not always convenient.

I felt comforted by this truth. Sure, different ways of caring for a baby can make things more convenient, but it might not always be what's best for my baby. I've felt challenged by this.

It's been a theme for me since being in labor with Selah.

I felt the Lord nudge me when I was growing desperate for my labor to press on.

"Will you endure this for me? Will you have this kind of long labor to bring my child into the world?"

That's just it. This baby is not mine. She's in my care.

So this morning when Selah had another blow out while I'm trying to make my breakfast...

"Shaina, will you take care of Selah right now, even though you just got ready to eat?"

Yes, Lord. I will.

"Will you wake up again to feed Selah, even though it hurts to open your eyes?"

Yes, Lord. I can do that.

"Will you endure the judgment of silly people who care for their babies in different ways?"

Ohhh. Yikes. But yes. Yes I can can endure that.

Sacrificial love for my child is an option I intend to accept.

Speaking of... she's not happy that I'm blogging. More another time, I suppose;)