Ropes

I have not written enough lately. It affects me when I don't write. I feel like a bottle shaken up. I'm gonna burst and get all sticky if I don't just force myself to write. I don't know what I'm gonna write about, but I'm at least writing.

These last few weeks have been a little on the difficult side. I feel like God's been nailing me time after time with another curve ball after I just got socked a second ago. Like we're in a mega game of dodgeball, and my shoes melted to the pavement. I can't tell whether i should just try to cover my face so I don't get too deformed, or if I should try to move.

I'm in the middle of it all. Things I've been thinking about and dealing with. I can't tell you any revelations because they haven't exactly come yet.

I don't really see the light in the dark at the moment. But that's ok. Because it's just a story. In fact, if my life were a book, I'd probably be hooked.

On a side note, I wouldn't mind my life being a book, because if it were, I'd probably have a little more of a clue what's going on down here. When you read a book, you know the people you're rooting for. You're on the main character's side more often than not, and you gain an outside perspective even though that character may be confused.

Even though that character keeps getting nailed in the gut with a dodgeball, you know she'll make it out ok. Even though she just feels the loss of wind from her lungs at the impact of what she's enduring, you already see how she's changing and growing.

I'm not sure who I'd be if I were in a supporting role in someone else's story. If people would be rooting for me, or I'd be the one that the readers would say, "Ugh, I can't stand that girl." But hey, on a lighter note, I'd be the one to make the story exciting.

I love to read. My thoughts sound like narrations sometimes. I write in journals all the time, and write like I'm writing a novel. It releases me. I'm free when I do that. Like I'm writing a song, but I don't need to be vague. I can just say it.

I haven't written a song since I write my last one Why Don't You. I think Zach and I are gonna play it on Tuesday at our show in the Blackroom. Psyched for that, man. Like I said, I'm in the middle of whatever this season is in the life is Shai. I haven't figured out the inspiring closing lines of the chapter. I don't really have much to say. Once I do, you'll hear it in a song, I promise.

I haven't even really felt like talking much. That is really weird for me. Don't get me wrong. I am not depressed. I'm still around people all the time, and thrive off of other people being around me. I just don't really feel like talking about myself or things I'm thinking about. I feel like those thoughts don't make sense yet.

The fact is, I'm still standing. In the imaginary world of this wild game of dodgeball, I'm feeling every blow, but I'm not going down. I don't intend to.

It's one of those times, those stressful times I look around at all the people here at Greenville that mean so much to me, and I get so sad about leaving them all for good in only 6 months. Can you believe that? I'll be done college in only 6 months. Sons of freaking guns. The fact that this semester is coming closer to it's end is making me a little nostalgic.

I love change. I love getting on with it. No use dragging your feet in life. I get impatient. I get genuinely excited for new things in life. But I'm also too deep for my own well being at times. I'm extremely sentimental and reflective. I don't like ropes of time to just slip through open hands. I like to feel the ropes of time passing through my fingers at the same speed they would have passed had my hands been open. Sometimes I hold so tightly the friction burns my hands. And even though the burns can bleed, I feel satisfied because I felt it all. I lived it all. And it hurt. But it was worth it.

So I guess I can say the ropes are burning my hands at the moment. The pain is firing through me. I'm hardly numb. I feel it 100%. I don't want to live and not feel the ropes of time pass through hands that don't hold on to anything. I just want to live my life. I don't want my life to live me, I want to be the one who lives.