I really am tired

I cannot believe I'm awake. This day has been anything but kind to me, at least that's how it felt by the time I gathered my exhausted self into bed. That was about an hour ago. It's becoming all too familiar.

I'm somewhat of an insomniac. I do not understand how it is so much easier to take naps in the middle of the day than it is to sleep when my body is trained to sleep. Go figure.

What stumps me is this: I can't sleep. But that doesn't mean I'm not tired. I am a wreck of fatigue. I'm too tired to study any more. I'm hardly able to keep my eyes open. But sleep just won't come.

So I'm an insomniac, but that doesn't mean I'm not tired.

I feel like I've had very similar thoughts a number of times before... but just a little rearranged.

Coming to college so far away from my home challenged me a lot. You can go ahead and say, "Well honey, it's because you were homeschooled. You never saw the world." But I could kick that stereo type in the butt... I hate hearing that assumption, even though it's true my world was different than other worlds. But, it's interesting being at a Christian college and seeing the things I do. Hearing the things I do.

Something I've learned, is everyone has got their beef. Everyone has their thing they wrestle with. The things I've struggled with, and do struggle with people might never guess. And the same is true of me and others... I might have never guessed that that girl seriously struggled with bulimia for 4 years. I might not have noticed that guy over there got busted for using. I don't know if I'd have bought it if you told me someone has a certain collection of magazines behind all the school books that his girlfriend would be absolutely devastated to find.

It's not that I think every guy is a pig, and every girl a whore. It's not that at all. It's more that I can see the truth in people. The good, even though there's some struggles going on.

Like I said, people might be shocked to find out some things about me. But less and less am I surprised by things I hear about other people.

Because just like I'm an insomniac who's tired, so are so many people changed but still not perfect.

I'm changed, but it doesn't mean I'm perfect.

I'm forgiven but it doesn't mean I'm done fighting.

I'm found, but it doesn't mean I know where I am.

I'm awake but it doesn't mean my eyes are open.

I keep thinking about that passage that Paul says how much he despises knowing what the right thing to do is, and then not doing it. Sometimes we know what we should do, and we hate to do the opposite, yet that's exactly what we do.

Judging a book by its cover is a cliche and therefore in my mind a disgusting saying. And saying you can't judge food by how it smells is altogether a terrible attempt at a new metaphor, since I am the pickiest person ever and I will argue that you can in fact judge food by its smell. Even though people try to tell me otherwise. Fools.

Even still... I'll say it this way... the images we see are only images. What you see might be what you get if you stand far away. If I stand far away from my lunch, all I get is the smell. All I get is what it looks like. Maybe. But if I'm close, I might even get to taste it.

I'm seeing that in other people. What ya see is what ya get if you're too far away to get any more.

But if you're close enough you find out that "I'm a mess. But it doesn't mean I'm not trying."

Enough judging, guys. We're all in the same boat. We just might be too far away to even notice that.

And I'm an insomniac. But that doesn't mean I'm not tired.

Wish me luck.