Eight

I found myself on the library steps the night before graduation with Sarah Beth Meyers (now Janes), and Ashley Norwood. Nearly everyone on campus was home for the Summer. But not us choir kids. We had to sing for commencement. 

The three of us chatted about random things, but soon it got deep. Sarah talked about how she wanted to marry Jason (who's now her husband) and Ashley talked about the next year. I talked about how I had developed somewhat of a crush on someone. Though I told them no name.

A dramatic silence followed. And then...

"TELL US." Ashley told me. 

They went around to who it could be... if he was at the bonfire that night. 

Ahh yes. The bon fire. 

Zach, Jay, Caleb and a few more of us gathered around the benches outside of West Oak. Caleb was wearing a plaid shirt, purple and blues. I watched his eyelashes as he texted on his phone. He was probably texting the girl who was winning him... I opened my own phone and texted my friend Jeremy. I had told him all about Caleb. I told Jere that Caleb was just so gorgeous. more gorgeous than anyone I knew. He was just so attractive. I loved just watching his flipping eyelashes! I liked the shape of his eyes. 

Someone had it bad...

Ahem. 

We crowded around the bonfire in the Gullies. I wished so hard Caleb would just notice me, and come sit by me. 

Where was the guy who was so in tune to every letter I erased on his paper? What about all the times I'd just look up from my computer, and he'd be instantly looking up at me, too?  Maybe I'd been a fool. Maybe I dreamed that up. Still, I couldn't say I'd missed all the answers on his face, so many times. 

He never sat next to me. It was ok, though. I suddenly didn't mind leaving a few days later. Maybe the sooner the better. 

I was mixed. 

Ashley and Sarah kept guessing who my little crush was... until Ashley's eyes grew the size of saucers.

"..." dramatic pause before slowly, articulately saying, "CALEB?" More in disbelief. 

My hesitation was answer enough. 

Sarah Beth didn't say a word. 

Then. It hit me. CALEB IS ONE OF SARAH'S BEST FRIENDS. 

I was dead. 

But I wasn't. Sarah Beth went on and on about how perfect it was, and how it had to work. Ashley chimed in about how Caleb is wonderful. Like I needed reassurance... but it felt good, nonetheless. 

Just then... though I couldn't see him, for I was sitting against the wall railing... Caleb. 

Had he heard? I lived through one of his best friends finding out my true feelings... but HIM. NO. 

He was out star gazing. I'll skip the details. It was official. I had lost. 

Seven

That night at Adam Bros was so sweet. It was confusing. Yet, it was fun to imagine, if just for a second, what it'd be like if Caleb always picked me up and drove me random places. Like I was his. 

But that rumor about Caleb and another girl never exactly left. 

What confused me... why he denied that he had an interest when I asked him. 

Although... let's rewind. Caleb didn't announce who he was interested in. Or so I'd been told. 

However, it became more and more evident that they were probably "together" or something...

Later that week, Trina and I had a sleepover. Our roommates were gone, and we were still at Greenville for choir that week. 

We decided that night to do something out of character. She texted a guy she was into. 

And I chatted Caleb on Facebook. I waited for him to respond like he used to...

Trina waited for her phone to buzz... his response to her was not what she'd hope. More like a shut down. 

But at least she got a response. Caleb never responded to me. 

I was feeling more and more that I was beginning to be obvious. Trina was the only person I didn't deny my crush to. 

I told her one night, and her response is still in my head. 

"Shaina, he is a man of God..." 

I know. I knew that. 

I was happy that she approved, though. In fact, she was probably Shaileb's biggest fan. 

And definitely my biggest support, just having a friend I wasn't hiding my heart from. 

The closer Caleb and I got to our final... the less he interacted with me. 

When our final was over, he asked how I did, and that was about it. 

It was sad, but true. 

Six

Studying with Caleb that night was just the best. We had a rhythm or so it seemed. We were unmistakably in sync with each other.

We met up with Zach and Jay, and went to Steak and Shake. It was finals week. It was a Monday night.

Caleb sat in front of me, in the front seat passenger side. Jay complimented me on my "cool shirt" and Caleb turned on Paramore because, as he announced, it was my favorite. I loved how he did that.

So the tug of war with this girl Caleb apparently liked... I wasn't trying to tug. I honestly wasn't. I just figured I'd lost. Girl fights were disgusting, and I wasn't interested in that.

I was out at Adam Bros later that week. Caleb was there, along with Zach and some other friends. I sat next to Caleb... I was working on some things on my computer, as Caleb worked on something on his.

I was actually writing something... it was a book idea I had. I'd never shown anyone. I would never show anyone. Caleb peeked over, and I closed my computer.

"What's that?"

"Nothing..."

He looked at me. Dangit, the boy was glorious.

"... it's a book... just an idea..."

"Well, promise me you'll show me when you're done."

"Deal."

Yeah... that would happen.

But for a moment, it made me feel like finishing it. Just so I could show him.

Soon, Zach and his friend decided to leave.

That left Caleb and I.

We chatted. And other people walked into the little coffee shop. I asked Caleb if he was interested in one of the girls who had walked in. The one I figured I'd lose to. After all, what fight was I even giving... but he said he wasn't. But I still felt like I should go.

Caleb asked if I wanted a ride. I told him no thanks, and walked out. I was walking to Tenny, to watch a movie with some friends.

It was dark. I quickly regretted not taking Caleb up on his offer.

So I texted him and told him I regretted it.

So he texted and asked where I was, then called me because he was driving trying to find me. Eureka!

Maybe I wasn't losing.

He picked me up, and drove me to Tenny.

I loved it. I wanted to drive with him again. It was fun. Even if it was 45 seconds.

Maybe, just maybe...

Five

A mere two days passed, and Zach and I found ourselves in Caleb's dorm. We watched How I Met Your Mother and some other people joined in.

I left midway through.

That Sunday, May 16th, I sat in the DC for dinner with some friends. Some of these friends were from Third Oak. Zach's floor. Caleb's floor.

And then. It happened. Jay Yousef. One of my best friends at Greenville... he spoke. He spoke the words. He spoke the words that spurred me into a frenzy.

Apparently Caleb had a crush. And this crush was not on me. Jay suspected this crush anyway...

That's all it took.

I had things to say. Oh did I have words... they were gushing. Bulging. I could have screamed. I made my way across Scott Field. Oh, I had things to say. I felt bold. I felt strong.

I knew the truth. Son of a gun, Caleb Arb... I know what your face said. I read every word. Like the skin disease I was so afraid of on my face... I saw it on your face. And it was unmistakable.

I couldn't say I'd missed the truth.

So where was I going? To him? To set the record straight?

Oh heavens no.

I opened the door, and sat down at the piano. I lifted my hands, and let them fall wherever they were going to.

The song flew.

Too Much was written that night. In a mere 30 minutes or so. Never had a song felt so good to write. It was exactly what I needed to say.

And say I would. At our show the following night. A song not 24-hours old. And would Caleb be there? You bet he would be.

And would he ask me to study with him again that night, after hearing that song? Yeah. Yeah he would.

Would I be even more confused? Yeah. Yeah I would.

But did it matter? Not quite.

Four

Now, to continue on...

By this point in the story, I am gung ho about Caleb Arb. I began to notice when he went to the DC and when walked to class at the same time I did.

DISCLAIMER: I was NOT a stalker. Greenville is small. And we had many mutual friends. 

I walked to class one day in my Red Capulet sweatshirt, the hood over my head. It was raining, and I rolled up my jeans so they didn't get soaked under the flip flops. I looked up, and saw Caleb on his way to an early morning class as well. I waved, probably too excitedly. Whatever. I'm a goof.

We had another Library Study (date). It was Thursday, May 13th.

This time, I could not contain myself.

The flirting was natural. It felt amazing. I could not get enough of this guy. It was just so easy. We studied for an exam that night.  He told me he learns best when people quiz him. So I quizzed him. We got along so well... I couldn't stand it... I loved being with him.

We goofed off, and teased each other, all the while actually accomplishing a good amount of studying. Who does that!? This was rarer than a blue moon. I... was happy. Recall my nerd tendencies...

Caleb would put on Paramore and "Airplanes" because he knew I loved it. We'd bop our heads ever so slightly.

Later that Thursday night, Caleb and I decided we'd meet up at go to Vespers (the awesome student-led chapel) together.

I went back to my dorm, and went to Vespers. I didn't text him, I just went. I figured I'd see him there, and we'd sit together. Couldn't be too eager.

But I didn't see him. So I sat by myself towards the back.

Sometimes that's just nice.

So worship started. I didn't know where Caleb was, but I didn't mind. The small part of me that was sad I hadn't seen him was overpowered by a desire to seem cool.

Excited to see you?! Noooooo. I'm more mature than that.

But in all seriousness. I was happy to take a moment to myself, and not obsess over anything or anyone.

I had my eyes closed at some point. And then they opened. And there was Caleb. Next to me. With his eyes closed. And his hands raised.

This moment is so clear in my mind...

I took in the vision of him, without him knowing.

 I closed my eyes again, and kept singing.

It was so easy to be next to him in worship. It could sound corny, and maybe my Pastor's daughter side is showing... but that's so precious to me... I can't even explain it.

Studying with him and being successful: phenomenal. Being able to worship besides someone without being self conscious or uncomfortable: a speechless kind of awesome. Something I hadn't exactly experienced very much.

When worship was over, Caleb and I looked at each other. It was such a striking moment. Nearly paralyzing. I remember feeling something towards him... such a stirring in my heart. I just loved being next to him.

The moment passed, and we sat down.

All through Vespers, it was so comfortable. We'd whisper thoughts here and there during the message.

A closing song began...

Caleb is no singer... but I liked hearing him sing.

Caleb had spoken at Vespers a few months before. I was sick. And opted not to go. At that moment I wished I had seen him speak. He must have been so good...

After Vespers, I borrowed Caleb's article to write a summary on. I met him between our dorms as it rained lightly... He hugged me and said "Have a good night,"

I loved it.

When I got inside, I wrote in my journal. Wouldn't you like to know what I wrote...

Three

To continue on in my story-telling... I must own up to some things. There are certainly details I will leave out, but others are just too hilarious and unnecessary to avoid.

...Like when I threw my pending crush on someone else. As in, accused someone else of having a thing for Caleb. Dodge the bullet. Escape the spotlight. Get away clean.

I lived on the 3rd floor of Burritt East. Room 312. The girls on my floor were literally family. We all assumed roles of different Disney Princesses. I was Jasmine. We had Fortune Cookie Tuesday, and it was the custom to simply walk into another's room and sit down and just be. We'd go outside for the first snow of the season in pajamas and hilarious outfits. Occasionally we'd find the Hobo in the Hallway (Katie). We had dance parties where we choreographed work outs (dancercise), and excellent routines. Whitney and I would write songs in the kitchen and bathroom and prayer room, and occasionally our own rooms at 4am. We would perform our songs for the girls while they took showers. We would gather, and watch Disney movies, and Friends. Often times it'd be in Ali's and my room. We had the biggest room. I call Ali Francine. So, just take note of that.

One evening, I had asked my brother, Zach, if Caleb was dating anyone. I did so in a very casual, tone, as if to say, "wait, Isn't he dating so-and-so?" Clearly avoiding the attention on me, and successfully casting it all on the information I pretended to be confirming.

The truth was, I just wanted to make sure the scene was clean.

Zach told me, "I don't know, maybe... he's really kept to himself about who he's interested in, if he's interested in anyone."

Drat. No information. Right? Wrong.

What I gathered from this shut-down conversation was actually quite workable. Caleb isn't girl-crazy. If he were girl-crazy, he hid it well, and didn't go after girls "out loud," which I appreciated. We all know those people... the ones that like a new person every week. The thing is, probably all college students notice someone new every week or so. The difference is, no one calls you a flirt if you don't tell anyone unless the "new noticed person" has been noticed for a while and it's a solid interest.

So. This meant to me, that Caleb was respectable. Wise, even. I liked what I heard.

The possibility that I could be the "new noticed person" of the week was ever in my favor. Until he became interested in someone enough to pursue "out loud" and own up to the interest, I had a chance.

Back on my floor, Whitney decided she would make a status that she was in a relationship. The zinger: she was not. Thee ceaseless hilarity of college life... what we do when we get bored.

"Ohhhh this would work perfectly..." I plotted in my head. I don't recall exactly the scheming that went down...  but I know I convinced everyone on the floor, and my brother, that Whitney was dating Caleb Arb.

I had no idea anyone was on to me.

I didn't think anyone knew Caleb.

We'd all sat around the hallway a week or so before I announced Whitney's new love.

"What's your favorite style on a guy?" I had prompted.

We shared views.

"I like light jeans, and belts, and t-shirts. Sweatshirts... Oh, and hats!"

Caleb. Arb.

But nobody knew him, right? I was safe.

Nope. Everyone knew.

But I didn't find that out for quite some time.

Chapter 2

Caleb and I, at some point, decided we should probably study together for some exams and papers for COR 302.  I left the ball in his court.  I was quite "pleased" when he walked up to me in front of my whole table in the DC (dining commons) and asked me for my number so we could study that night.

That night, Caleb? Eager are we? Not that I minded...

I decided I would change what I was wearing. I wanted to look and feel refreshed. I changed out of my gray t-shirt and into a white shirt. kept the jeans, though.

I realized I was a few minutes late as I walked across Scott Field to the library. I figured this was a great approach. Not too eager to get to him, but casually getting over there. Just then, my phone buzzed.

"Shaina, where are ya in the building?" Caleb had texted me.

Number one: I LOVED how he used my name. That was something I noticed about Caleb. He uses people's names. I figured he must like when people use his name too, so I tried to use his name when I talked to him. I also figured that must mean if he likes using names, he's verbal. And likely his love language was words of affirmation. I kept these things to myself.

I let him know I was walking in, and found him on the 2nd floor.

Crap. He was changed into a gray shirt and jeans. We could have matched! I quieted my inner musing.

I set down my computer, and we began our paper writing and studying.

I had my presuppositions that Caleb was smart, because I knew he was a year ahead. I knew people thought I was smart for being two years ahead, though I knew I wasn't a genius, I still looked on that favorably. I also knew he took things seriously because he did in class. His presentations were always good, and he seemed like one of those guys who didn't have to try very hard to do well, but worked hard anyway.

As we were typing up our papers, I felt really calm. I liked that we could do our own thing and not be distracted or distracting by or to each other.

This is a huge deal to me. I like smart people. I like having intelligent conversations. I like people who can correct my papers. I'm telling you, it got so old when people would just assume I was so incredibly smart that I didn't need anyone to proof my work. I don't know where people got that idea. I did well, sometimes, but I needed proof reading.

So Caleb proofed my draft, as I proofed his.

"Shaina, this is really good," he noted while smiling as he scrolled down.

I tried so hard to control my own smile. He made me feel proud. It was different than people just assuming my paper was good.

"This is really good so far, Caleb," There. I used his name.

He made some corrections. Such satisfaction!

Caleb Arb, you can correct my spelling any time you want...

This was comfortable.

I decided to run with it.

So I glared at him.

How dare you make corrections!

Oh it's on Caleb Arb.

I erased some of his bad grammar.

As I read his paper, I realized, yes. He is indeed one of those people who is just smart without trying. His grammar... could use some encouragement in some areas. So I made took the liberty.

 He looked up at me... I promised his paper was fabulous, and that I was just rewording things.

So the "studying" turned into two college juniors flirting over two computers as we made corrections on each other's papers.

I struggled greatly. When I laugh really hard, it can easily and all too quickly become sobbing. Some people get nervous they'll accidentally snort. Me? Oh no... buckets of tears and I-can't-breathe-or-speak-because-I'm-laughing-too-hard.

 I was dying... I was so giddy and so excited to be exactly where I was.... but becoming more and more terrified that the flush in my cheeks would turn into a skin disease that would write across my forehead "I'm falling for you Caleb Arb!"

My acting skills from high school were my best friends as I'd somehow managed to get back to work. Every few minutes I'd catch Caleb's eye if I made another correction on his paper. I'd start laughing. SON OF A GUN SHAINA!

We switched computers and started working on our own papers. Study (unofficial) Date One: Complete.

Could I sleep that night? I think not.