Know

A year and a half ago, I wrote these lyrics...

"I can't wait to wake up next to you
Surrendered to the music, like we do
And I can't wait to whisper late at night
Touch your hand when I can't tell my left from right
I can't wait to know you
I can't wait to know you"

And now, two days away from my wedding day...

Caleb Arb, I'm so glad it's you.

Bask?

Ok, So now there are only five days until I play the part of the Bride. In fact, I am the bride. I won't be pretending.

I'm going to give myself entirely to the man of my dreams. In front of everyone I know, and maybe I have never even met before.

It's surreal.

Some people ask how I'm doing... and to be honest, I don't even know how to really answer.

I really don't.

I'm really nervous about some things.

I'm really excited about some things.

I'm crazy stressed about some things.

And I'm so happy at the same time.

But I am in desperate need of reminders to just bask in the reality of these next few days.

So this is my two cents for this day. This crazy, nervous, excited, stressed, happy, desperate day.

Today, there is much work to be done. Including my regular work schedule.

I'm not sure if I'll regret that, yet. In some ways, it's keeping me busy. But I must WILL myself to focus. And that, is a very difficult thing for me at the moment.

Prayers appreciated.

One Week

Today... was a day. I'm feeling the edgy nerves like a tiny electrical current running though each vein under my skin that zaps me with a surge every few minutes.

Oh yes. The wedding is one week away. One week, only.

Some may say I'm calm.

In some ways I am.

My fiance could tell you, though, I'm a little less than myself right now.

My mother would insist I'm PMSing.

My sister (the MOH) would say something in between, and then ask to do a hair trial after going to a tanning salon which has admittedly been amazing.

Bee Tee Dubs... she's amazing at hair. And yes, I'm using her for my wedding hair. I went to someone else professional... hated it.

Caleigh took one try to attempt what I was trying to explain once we were home again. One shot, she got it.

Case closed.

My mom is incredible, doing so much for this wedding... I doubt even hers was as amazing as I know mine will be because of her.

Truly. What a shame for my daughters....

They'll probably say, "Why can't Grandma plan our weddings!?"

Just wait. Check out my blog when it comes to planning my own children's weddings. It'll happen.

So tonight, I realize my to-do list fell short today. But the night is young. Maybe a few more check marks are in store before I close my eyes to wink past another anticipatory day.

"Here Comes the Bride" sounds more like a warning than a celebration.... wedding week has begun.

Eight days

Today, 8 days away from my wedding day, my list of things "to-do" is ever growing.

I'm currently in between checking things off my list. To be honest, I even put "blog" on my list so that I don't feel like I'm wasting time not getting other things done.

Today is laundry day, and random emails, and making final decisions on this and that.

Sure, some may say, "Shaina you would NOT be so stressed if you simply had a longer engagement like normal people."

Yeah, to some that might seem truthful. But those who believe that, do not know my family.

Even if I had a year and a half engagement (which to me is torturous. If I said "yes I will be your wife" upon my Beloved's bended knee, it meant I would be his wife that instant. I don't feel like waiting two years), my family would not hop to it until a few months before anyway. It's true. I'm one of eight children. Why prolong the worry that things aren't getting done. Why not just have a 3 and a half month engagement, and let the entire engagement period be a series of getting everything done?

It suits me.

While I do feel like I've never quite been as absent minded and overwhelmed emotionally, mentally and physically in my life, I do feel it is the truth to say I'm enjoying this time.

However, if someone were to ask me if I like being engaged, my answer would be, "No."

And that's because of all the craziness, and stilted anticipation.

If you're confused, let me explain.

Yes, I'm enjoying this time. But only as much as I can. You see, this is such an "in between" stage. Caleb and I are really starting to function as a married couple, but without some crucial married couple elements. We go to bed in two different places.... etc... we're still like a "dating couple," while we still notify each other with every penny we spend, where we are, what we're doing, where we're going...

It's kind of frustrating when we could be waking up in the same bed, and easily telling each other instead of texting hours later since we both have different schedules.

Really, in short, I'm just ready to be his wife. I was months ago.

So, that said... I'm truly excited for our wedding day in 8 days.

And now, for some more details to be noted and considered with full attention.

8 days.

The mirror

Every Thanksgiving, I sat in my chair, across from the giant mirror on the wall at Grandma's house. I'd catch a glance at myself in years past and think to myself, "Who will I sit next to someday? Whose face will I see catching my eye in this mirror?"

I'd dress up every year, and feel a little bit disappointed that no one would particularly appreciate it that much.

Today I was excited for more than the usual amazing Thanksgiving Day feasting, and togetherness. It wasn't great only because I could sleep in a little bit, or that I got to see some family members that live farther away.

No. Today, I finally saw the face I'd waited to see in the mirror.

Caleb complimented me countless times on my clothes, and my hair and my make up.

I was absolutely giddy, awaiting the time to all gather around the table, and take our seats. I took my seat across from that mirror. And so did Caleb.

And I've finally gotten to catch his eye in the reflection, and bask in the fact that I'll see his face there for the rest of our lives.

Nine days.

Ten Days

In ten days, I'll be in my white dress, at a reception, dancing and celebrating with so many friends and family members.

In ten days I'll be wearing a wedding ring.

I have to take so many reality checks throughout the days to remind myself to breathe, and enjoy the moment.

Sometimes I think I do well, and other times I feel like I'm drowning in anxiety and nerves. Stress.

I want everything to be perfect, but I also just don't want things to be complicated. I like simplicity. I like ease.

Weddings were never an easy feat, I realize this. And I confess it's harder, and more work than I'd known.

Days pass so quickly, I feel like I can't really catch my breath. Although, I'll tell you a secret. I'm slightly relieved I'm overwhelmed. I'm glad I'm anxious and in need of resuscitation.

I don't want this rope to slide through my unclenched hands. I want it to burn me, and I want to feel every fiber pass through hands that feel.

I want to experience this time of my life. I don't want to to vanish before I remembered to hold it close.

And so this Thanksgiving Eve, I'm thankful for a heart that feels, despite the events that have transpired in the past. The grievances endured did not breathe easy on me, nor do they on anyone. Tragedy is an everyday occurrence. Making it out another day is nothing less than a miracle some days.

I'm blessed. I'm so thankful. I'm overwhelmed by the Lord's kindness, and His Life when mine is dim and aimless.

One year ago, I was writing a song called, "Say It First." I couldn't eat, I could barely sleep. Texts from Caleb kept me awake at night, past the time he'd already said good-night. I couldn't get him out of my head. And today, not much has changed. Yet, everything has changed.

I... am so, so thankful.

The Wait

Well, well well...

To all my devoted readers... thank you for walking with me through the drum roll of our relationship. From the first time I saw Caleb as he helped my brother move into 3rd West Oak at Greenville College, to the moment Caleb got down on one knee, to now, 11 days before we say "I do."

Remembering who Caleb and I were years ago, to now, is what has helped prepare me for what is about to happen.

Living through each part of our story, before we came together, is what has made the wait a time of basking in what God has done.

Sometimes I stare at Caleb from across the room, and get all teared up when I realizing those flutters in my tummy I had for him in the library were for the same man that now makes my heart absolutely melt.

When I remember the thoughts that roamed through my lovey dovey head at Vespers.... and now when I hold Caleb's hand when we sit in church together, I am overwhelmed.

God is faithful. And I am grateful. And ever shall be.

I get to marry my best friend in 11 days. I can't believe I get to live a miracle. I get to wear white for the man I waited for.

The man I loved for so long. The man I loved before I even knew I really did.

The man who I knew I wanted to marry, but didn't really know why.

I'm going to marry him!

I'm getting married!!!

Twenty- Seven

 I could not sleep that night. I was still shaking. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I had a boyfriend! I was dating Caleb Arb. He came to my door. I couldn’t believe he had come to my door!

      The next morning, I woke up way too early. I couldn’t get back to sleep. So I lay in bed for a while.  Caleb texted soon to say, "Good morning beautiful!”

      Caleigh came over and helped me figure out what to wear on our date. The "skype date" turned out to be a real one... that little trickster. Caleb had told me everything on his list to make sure I wanted to do all of it. I could not wait. I decided on jeans and a purple tank top with a grey cardigan over it. Caleigh lightly curled my hair. I did my make up. Then went to meet my boyfriend at my family’s house.

      Caleb and I matched. We said hello, and he hugged me tight. It felt so good.

      We started driving, and Caleb put on music form his ipod while I drove. I knew the area better, so I drove into Philly. However, after that, Caleb drove. I think he caught that he is just a better driver than me in general, even not knowing the area. Yeah…

      We went to Chipotle where I introduced him as my boyfriend for the first time to a girl I knew.

      Then we went into Franklin Square, and played mini golf. It was so cute and so fun. He let me win, and I knew it.

      Then we walked around a little while, and sat on a bench. Caleb called for reservations at Giorgio’s, and then we went for a carriage ride. It was so cute. The driver talked the whole time, since Caleb is so good with politics and history,  he kept up some very intelligent conversation with the driver. I was proud of him. I listened to what he said to our driver, and just loved how smart he was.

      After that, we walked to our car. I didn’t bring gloves, but found a pair hot pink Disney gloves in my car randomly, so I wore them all day. But there was no thumb. So Caleb kept tucking my thumb in his hand when he held my hands.  We would be walking, and he would say, “Give me your hand! I want it!” 

      I would hold on to his arm with my other hand. I was cold, but I also just liked getting closer to him. He would say, “Aww, I like when you do that.”

      I loved that he was bashful about me showing affection back to him. He made me feel safe, valued, and beautiful. I felt like a woman. It made me feel like a woman. I liked it. I liked it a lot

      So Caleb drove this time, when we went to the restaurant. It was so quaint. So small and pretty. Caleb went to the bathroom when we got there, and accidentally busted his belt, which was hilarious.

      I ordered this ziti pasta (it was gluten free of course) pasta that had peppers and sausage in it. It was seriously so good. I enjoyed just watching Caleb, and enjoying the fact that I was on a date with him, and that we were actually dating. 

      After dinner, we walked down South Street, and I got fro yo. To be honest I really wasn’t in the mood for it. I only had a little bit. Caleb went there cause he knows I love it. He didn’t get any though, and I felt bad to not get any because that’s the reason we walked down those 10 streets. He ate a little bit of mine, though. Our conversations while walking were really good ones. I just loved talking to him. 

     Next was ice skating! We drove to the skating rink, and got out and got our skating tickets. It was so cute. Caleb had to help me get my jeans and socks situated. He was adorbs. I loved that he let me stay close to him when we were walking around, or sitting somewhere. I love being close. I loved that he let me do that. When we were in line for our tickets, I stood in front of him at one point, and he warmed my shoulders, and hugged my back to his chest. I loved that.

      We got home, and just hung out with the family. At midnight I had a glass of red wine. I left soon after, and Caleb walked me outside, and watched me pull away. I hated leaving him.

      It was fun hanging out with my family. Caleb really liked doing that, too, so that was cool. We skyped with Zach, and Don. We changed our relationship status on Facebook, so we could gather the “likes,” on that. I ended up getting somewhere around 76 or 77 likes. How hilarious is that!?

      The next morning I woke up to a text from Caleb saying “good morning beautiful” and calling me his girlfriend, and saying happy birthday. I drove to my parents’ house, and picked Caleb up, and drove to church.

      After church, we decorated my little tree together. It was so cute. Then Caleb made me go into another room so he could set up his birthday present. He laid out 3 t-shirts and a sweatshirt and his cologne. When I came out to see what he brought out, he said something like, “Now you get the boyfriend clothes,” and he gave me the cologne so I could spray more of it on the clothes so I can smell his scent when he’s gone. It was adorable, and I freaking loved it. I put on his sweatshirt right then. I loved that I recognized the t-shirts. I had seen him wear them before, and it made me so excited.

      After we finished everything with the t-shirts and the tree, I played him the song I had just finished writing. I was super nervous playing it for him, and but it was so cute and I was smiling almost laughing a few times. I was actually playing the song for him. He was reading the words as I sang them. It made me nervous but giddy, too.

      When I finished, I just sat there and kinda turned my back to him slightly. He said, “Shain,” and I knew I was all nervous to look at him after playing my heart in musical and audible form. But he loved it, and held me tighter and told me so.

      That little time at my place was one of the sweetest parts of the whole weekend.

      We went to my family’s house, and everyone was over for the birthday brunch. We all hung out, and Caleb got along with everyone so well. I think everyone really liked him. How could they not? Anyway, afterwards, Caleb and I hung out in the sunroom. He had to get going soon, and honestly, all I wanted to do was be in his arms. We just chilled, and some people from the family came in, some people said bye before they left. Lena was in there for a while playing piano with just her left hand, since she had just broken her right arm. Caleb held my hand.

      Soon,  it was time to take him to the airport. Dad and I drove him, and it was the most awful thing in the world. I didn't know when I'd even see him again.

That night, Dad took me out for my 21st birthday. Over my glass of wine, I told Dad,

"Dad... I'm going to marry Caleb."

And I am. In 11 days. 

Twenty-Six

I might as well have passed out at the sight of him. I'd only been singing my prayer that he'd be standing in the exact place he exactly was for days... even hours before.

I had no sense of anything. I just saw his eyes. I was unconscious. I hardly remember what even happened after that.

Caleb came inside, and we hugged, but I was in a daze. I wanted everyone but Caleb to go away, so I could try to focus. Caleb went back next door to get his stuff. I sat back down on the couch.  I was just holding my face and saying, “oh my gosh… oh my gosh…” And as if on cue, Caleb popped up up on the skype screen while he grabbed his computer which was still set up in my Grandma's house.  No wonder I wasn't sure where he was in his house...

      He came back, and soon Caleigh, Grandma, and Mom left. Caleb and I hugged more and Caleb said “Remember when I said I have a time and place in mind to talk about that stuff? Well, this is the time, and this is the place, if you want to talk now."

      Caleb gathered his things together, and went into the bathroom for a minute. That was my chance.

      I texted Trina a picture of Caleb to tell her what happened. She freaked out and told the other girls. The 3BE (3rd Burritt East... our old dorm) girls were all hangin’ out. I called Blakeley when Caleb was still in the bathroom, to whisper, “He came to my door Blake!” I didn’t want Caleb to hear.

      Blakeley texted back saying, “You are effing kidding me!” And I texted a picture of him and me, and then she said, “Get the frick out of my life!” It was hilarious.

      Trina had told me she was freaking out. I texted her back that I was dying.

      We eventually sat on the couch… I couldn’t really handle standing anymore. We hugged a lot, and he held my hands, and I held his, and it was just crazy. His hands felt strong. I loved it.

      He told me how he had always had a thing for me. He started talking about COR 302. When I started liking him, too.  He said there was one night in the library when he just had a crazy urge to kiss me, but didn’t.  He hadn't been sure about me though, because he didn’t wanna mess anything up. We were becoming friends, and Zach was a good friend of his, too.

      I was in a mental war about whether or not to tell him about "Too Much" being about him. I wasn't at a conclusion yet... but it didn't matter...

      "And then... that song..." he started. 

      Oh no!!! I was dead...

      "Someone told me you wrote a song about me... I didn't believe it, but thought maybe... Too Much..."

      I melted, and felt my face grow pink, and curled up in embarrassment... he had known! The little stinker!!!

      He told me about how he felt around New Year’s last year. He knew he flirted with me then. I certainly remember returning the favor of attention... 

      He said during the car accident he was so thrown off by how his first instinct was to protect me, and hold me as tightly as he could. He said he would go back to it all the time and think about how good it felt to hold me so tight. We shared how we both were confused by how that had happened. I told him I was so scared to see him again after that, because I became so emotional towards him. How could I not? I already had feelings at that point, small though they may have been. And then he basically saved my life, or saved me a lot worse damage? Once Upon A Time action right there...

He told me how he felt towards me after China, during which I rivaled his parents with how much I talked to him. He said how he felt so attracted to me when I kept inviting him to go swing dancing, that he was freaked out, and just couldn’t go. He said he was afraid he would start liking me. I remembered that night so clearly...

      He said he was on such a high after China—a spiritual high, and a "being-single high", and it scared him to have feelings for someone.

      We both confessed to pretending to sleep on the way home from the Jr Sr together in the back seat. BUSTED.

      He then said that when he saw me in September and hugged me, it just felt so good. 

      "Until about a month ago, I put it off... thoughts of you... but God finally got a hold of my heart, and changed it. I knew I had to come for you. It was time."

      I could hardly keep up... he was talking about every moment I'd already kept in my heart about him, and confirming it, explaining it... making sense of the years. 

      Caleb at some point in our talking had mentioned me as his girlfriend. I stopped him and said, “ So I’m your girlfriend?” 

      And he asked me, “Do you wanna be?” 

      Um. YES.

      I guess his intensions were slightly clear after coming to my door...  but I was waiting till he verbally affirmed it. None of the "Let's just see where this goes," crap. I'd done enough of that. Thank God he had, too.

      We couldn’t stop hugging, and I kept freaking out. I mean he had come all the way to New Jersey just to see me. What in the world?! 

      I told him my side of the story. As I was talking, he hugged me as I was curled up next to him. I realized the spikes of my unshaved legs were displayed in my capris sweatpants, and I freaked out, embarrassed...

      "I didn't shave!!" I covered my calves with my hands.

      "Shaina... it doesn't even matter.... I don't care. Don't be embarrassed."

      But I was. He was so cute...

      He would just stop and look at me when we were talking and shake his head slightly to say, “You are so pretty….” And he’s put his face so close to mine, and touch my cheek with his thumb.

      His eyes...

      I was numb. I kept shivering, though my body was warm. 

      I was shaking for hours.  Caleb would feel a chill go through me, and hug me closer, saying, “Aww, babe,”

      Oh my gosh, he just called me "babe!

      Another shiver... "Baby, come closer," he told me.

      Oh my gosh, he just called me "baby"!

      I took him for a tour of my apartment. We hugged a ton, and in the bathroom we caught what we look like hugging in the mirror for the first time. It was so cute, so we took a picture. We made it the background of our cell phones.

      I was walking on air. I watched him walk around, and couldn't believe it. You'd think I'd been struck by lightening by the shakes that'd seize me every few minutes... I was still in total shock. 

      I took him outside from the door in my room to see the lake. He carried me on his back because I didn’t have shoes on. We went down to the dock. He had given me his jacket because I kept shivering. How could I stop? He came to my door!!

      I kept shivering outside, and he’d hug me close to himself. He kept saying, “Babe, let’s go back in, you’re shivering, I don’t want you to get sick.”

      But he was with me, and I didn’t care to go back just yet. We stood out there a little bit longer, and I jumped back onto his back and he carried me back inside.

      Then we watched a movie. He let me pick it out. He brought a bunch with him, because they were all ones we said we’d watch together. I picked Dan in Real Life, because it was a comdey and wouldn't require much brain power. Which was good. Because I had none. 

      Even still, I didn’t even catch all of it because I was still just so overwhelmed that Caleb was there. And not just there, but he had both arms around me tight, and I was leaning my head on his shoulder.

      I was still shivering. I couldn’t believe it was really happening.

      After the movie, I took Caleb home to my family’s house, and drove back home for the night. But sleep was hardly an option. 

      

     

Twenty- Five

It was Friday, December 9 2011. I was so emotional. I was at my wit's end. I was becoming more frustrated trying so hard to be patient. It was three weeks to the day of our nonstop talking episodes.

Thank God the next day was our skype date. Caleb would hopefully mention something then, and we could figure out what was really going on between us. That would be fabulous.

I got home from work, and my phone buzzed with a new text from Caleb.

"Can you skype tonight? I can't wait to see your face again."

That did it. I just cried.

I sat at my piano. I didn't have very much time before going to church to help with the Christmas banquette fundraiser. But I had to unload the pressure in my heart somehow. I sang my new song, cried, and felt better.

I texted my mom and said I wanted to see Caleb so bad. "I want him at my door. With roses. Now."

I was begging myself to chill out. I couldn't have such ridiculous wishes right now. Especially when his mom just got diagnosed with cancer.

It was my birthday two days later... I couldn't help but wish he had something up his sleeve. I knew how romantic he had been with other girls... I tried so hard to simmer my mind down.

The night at church went well. I decided I'd put make up on, with Caleigh's encouragement. It took me off guard.

"Put on more make up with me, " she said.

"Ok. What's going on? Did Caleb talk to Dad or something?" She was acting funny.

In my family, all interested gentlemen must ask our Dad permission to date us. A hoop to jump through for sure.

but Caleigh denied it, and I decided to put more make up on. Why not.

I passed my Dad a few times that night at the banquette, and he kept smiling at me. Like he was realizing something very sentimental in his mind. Maybe Caleb did talk to him... Maybe Caleb would ask me to be his girlfriend on our Skype date the next day.

During the banquette, Caleb texted me that he was taking a long nap, and he'd text me when he woke up. I told him I was busy with the banquette, and I'd talk to him later.

I washed about a million dishes before leaving and having some soup at my family's house. I took my time, and then headed back to my apartment to skype some friends from college before skyping Caleb.

While I was skyping my old roommates, Caleb texted me that he was ready to skype. I told him I would be ready in ten minutes.

Caleigh dropped by to pick up her computer she left at the apartment, and I just signed on to skype with Caleb.

He was wearing that shirt I loved so much... the purple, and blue paid shirt. He wore it the night I just stared at him and texted Jeremy how gorgeous I thought he was when we used to study together in the library.

I looked at him through the skype screen, and just melted a little. He looked so cute.

Caleigh came over to chat with him for a few minutes, before turning it over to me.

Caleb looked a little tight wherever he was skyping me from. I didn't ask where he was, though. We settled into talking, when he said,

"I should be there right now..."

"I know... I wish you were too..." I felt sad even thinking about how it weren't true, and couldn't be true.

Gosh, he looked so cute.

"You know what?" He told me, "I'll be right there. Hold on."

Suddenly, Caleb got up, and all I saw was a white wall.

I was mad for a second thinking about how cruel this joke was.

But he didn't come back.

The clock kept ticking, and the wall was still white, and Caleb was not there.

I heard foot steps outside.

I stared at the screen.

Caleigh came out from my bedroom.

I stared at the screen.

I heard noise outside, and then a loud knock at my door.

I got up, with vision overwhelmed by confusion...

I turned the doorknob, and opened the door.

And there. At my door. Stood Caleb. With dozens of roses.

Twenty- Four

The next morning, December 4 2011, I went to church. I couldn't sleep. It was like every breath I took was a swallow of caffeine. I woke up early, and got a smoothie at Wawa, so that I'd have some source of nutrients in my system. I was, unsurprisingly, not hungry at all. I got to church early, which I never did. The choir was singing that day, and I was ready and in place. Which also was a rarity.

I still hadn't told anyone in my family what happened last night. It was a confirmation to me. Though the exact words, "I like you," were not yet spoken... I knew. And I knew Caleb would be more than a friend. And more than a boyfriend. And eventually more than a fiance... Caleb would be my husband. For the first time in my entire life, I knew what it meant when people said, "When you know you know."

I did. I did know. I knew!!

I didn't feel normal that morning. I felt like along with those "caffeine breaths" I was absorbing a glow in the dark serum that replaced my blood, strong enough to glow in daylight. I felt like mountains were taken off my shoulders.

How was this possible, when he didn't even tell me what he really felt, yet?

Only 6 days until our skype date. I could wait. I was walking on sunshine. I was anxious, but I had peace. And it was big enough to fill my empty stomach, and sleepless mind.

As I stood on the choir risers, I caught Trey's eyes. I was very close to his wife, and figured he was sensing my glow. I figured he'd talked to his wife. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. I knew I just basically screamed I was in love, judging by that smile I just gave... whatever. I couldn't hide it.

After the service, I walked over to my mom who still didn't know how Caleb had asked me on a "skype date," yet... I started talking to her, when my Trey popped up next to us and said, "You are glowing.... I can feel you from 500 miles away, Shaina..." My mom got carried into another conversation with someone else, and I continued my "glowing" accusation.

I told him how I was so peaceful, and what happened the night before. He said, "Shaina. This is right. God waited for a reason, and now is the time."

I nodded, without any hesitation whatsoever. I could not believe this was happening. But the peace that enveloped me spoke for me, declining the anxiety and worry that my natural self wanted to house.

"Now you know why people say, 'when you know, you know.'"

"I know." I said.

"And one day, he's going to to ask you to marry him,"

"I know..." I said... realizing I sounded absolutely crazy, but I honestly felt no strain or fear when I confirmed what he was saying. He didn't even know Caleb... but I knew it was true. I knew it.

I asked if he'd talked to his wife, and to my surprise he said he had not. WHAT.

That week I continued talking to Caleb. We skyped almost everyday.

Tuesday, December 6 2011, I decided I would finish my song. I had prayed for so long that God wouldn't let me write about a guy unless it was because God brought this guy to me. I felt so sure of it... I decided to run with it.

I sat down at my piano, and prayed over the unfinished song. I only had a verse written. I didn't have a chorus or anything else yet. I prayed that if God really was working this relationship out, that He would bless the song. That He would write it for me. And that Caleb would be blessed by it. If and when i ever showed him.

I prayed that if God were writing this love story, that this song would be worship.

"I don't wanna keep it to myself anymore
You might wanna prepare because it looks like it's gonna pour
I'm just waiting for the ok..."

What next?

I started the chorus... there was one line... it just wasn't working. I penciled in line after substitute line, and it just wasn't right.

"God... write this line..." I kept waiting for the right one.

And then...

YES.

"I don't wanna keep it to myself anymore

You might wanna prepare because it looks like it's gonna pour

I'm just waiting for the ok

Meet me at my door

Cause baby, I don't wanna keep it to myself."

DONE. My eyes filled with tears. That was the line. It was the truth. It was an invitation. It was what I desperately wanted, but knew I couldn't say to Caleb. I prayed for it. I prayed Caleb would come to my door. I finished the song with teary eyes, and knew it was exactly what I set out to write. 

The kind of relief that happens with a job well done combined with a good cry was fantastic. 

I met Bi at Panera right after. I met with her to tell her what was going on.  She hadn't been too thrilled with Caleb in the past, due to the ups and downs and frustrations he'd brought before. I told her everything. It was, how we like to say, monumental. 

I carried on in that week, texting Caleb all the time, calling, skyping.

But it was wearing on me. I was tiring of the distance, and not even seeing him since September. 

What was I doing... what if there was absolutely zero chemistry when I saw him next? When WOULD I see him next? I was nervous. I had peace, but I wasn't satisfied. I tried to readjust my thoughts when fears would pop in... I did, I did try. But I wasn't very strong. I grew afraid. 

I didn't even know when I would see him again. Wasn't that crucial? I'd have to be patient for a long time... maybe months...

I just wanted to see him. To see what it would feel like if he held my hand. To know it felt like love, and not that silly guy I used to study with in the library, and wave to on rainy days as we walked to class in the mornings. I needed something else. 

Twenty-Three

It was the Dicken's Festival in downtown Medford, December 3 2011. My whole church was in costume singing for the festival, and I was distracted to say the very least. Countless people came up to me and asked, "Are you ok?"

The tables in the house we gathered in were covered in treys and treys of food. Of which, I could hardly eat a bite. It'd been two weeks since Caleb and I started talking all the time. We started skyping often, almost every night. I knew something was seriously up. Caleb's parents would jump in and talk to me too for a few minutes here and there. Then as their good-bye, they'd say, "Ok, well I won't keep you and Caleb from each other anymore... good talking to you!" Nearly every night we'd talk over skype... and I sat on the couch by the fire, texting away as was now the usual.

Another person came over and asked if I was alright... I was spacing out. I was honestly panicking. Caleb had dropped hints. He mentioned how he'd like to take me on a date sometime... in a somewhat theoretical tone... I hadn't given much of a response. I didn't want to be obvious. I didn't want to unveil my heart before he unveiled his. And he hadn't exactly done that yet.

I was worried. If he backed out and became the usual "just friend" Caleb again, I knew I'd be hurt. And it wouldn't be that easy this time for me to overlook it. I was seriously anxious. I had started writing a song that day about how I just couldn't keep pretending and keeping it to myself about how I felt about him. I didn't finish it because I was getting too preoccupied.

I texted Caleb about how I saw a shooting star that night. He asked what I wished for, but I kindly denied him the detail since it couldn't come true if I told him.

I wished he'd come. I wished he'd surprise me, and do something crazy to show that he wanted me. That he wasn't fooling around. Something big. I wanted him to pursue. Not just text me every morning, and skype me every night, though that was sweet. I wanted him to come to me.

I wanted romance. Caleb was the biggest romantic. I'd watched him with other girls. I had desperately wished he would romance me that same way. He was so capable. I knew that. And I was hopeful he wouldn't forget how to be that guy... when he was finally pursuing me that way. At least I hoped what was happening was pursuing.

We flirted over texting all night. I ate no more than a bite or two of food, as was the custom of the last 2 weeks. Even Thanksgiving I hardly ate. I couldnt' keep food down. I couldn't even chew. My mouth was dry and I had zero appetite. I was so distracted. Hopelessly distracted... and I was coming to the end of my strength. I absolutely refused to say a thing, and I was determined to keep masked about my own feelings until I had a green light.

I decided to allow him to pursue me after I talked to my friend Kristin who's married with three kids. I needed someone from the outside to let me know if was ok. I knew things with Caleb were not supposed to be, in the past. So what made this time different? Maybe this was a "God's timing is perfect," thing, and maybe now was the time? I wasn't sure. Her encouragement helped me feel better about the whole thing, and I made myself even more open to talking all the time.

Earlier that week, Caleb and I had skyped, and he told me the devastating news that his mom had gotten diagnosed with breast cancer. I was so shocked, and Caleb was clearly frustrated, and so upset. I didn't know what to say, so didn't say much at all. I was even more surprised, though, when he paused in the middle of telling me the diagnosis just to say,

"Shaina... you are really pretty,"

I stopped, unsure if I really heard him right. I got light headed, and felt my cheeks grow warm. I said, "Thank you," feeling like I didn't deserve any compliment in a moment of sadness. I wanted to be excited about what he just said, but I was confused... even though it swelled my heart with warmth and fuzzy feelings.

I truly didn't know what would happen... I had hopes, and a sense of what could come of this crazy thing... but until Caleb confirmed it, I couldn't relax.

I had called Zach the day of the Dicken's Festival, and begged him to convince Caleb to talk to me about what was going on if he by any chance, talked to Caleb. I needed some confirmation desperately.

When I got home from the Festival, I lit some candles, and sat on my couch. I just needed to breathe... Caleb called me on my phone. I panicked, because I'm terrible at the phone. I was so obnoxiously awkward, I was afraid to answer, but I did.

Caleb was on his way home from work, and told me, "I was so excited to skype with you tonight, then I realized I could talk to you right now, too, so I decided to call ya and see how you are." So we talked on the phone the whole way home, until he signed onto skype.

It was about midnight my time, and towards the beginning of our skype conversation, Caleb said,

"Hey... I think you're beautiful... and I want to take you on a date, but I'm all the way in St. Louis, and you're over there, so that's kind of tough... would you want to do a skype date next Saturday night? We both dress up, and eat the same thing and watch a movie over skype? What do you think?"

"Awww.... yeah that sounds so cute..."

We goofed off, and Caleb made googley eyes at me... and I probably made them too...

So maybe "the talk" was coming during that date... I'd have to wait another week, but as long as there was some move made, even if it was just a "Skype date," I could handle that. I would make sure I didn't freak out too much... I'd keep quiet, and refuse to show too much of my heart and what I was feeling until then. And I could handle it if Caleb said it was just as friends... maybe we needed to go through this funny weird back and forth time one final time to fully move on...

When we were about to hang up, Caleb stopped me. I looked at him through the computer screen and waited.

"Hey... I just want you to know... I'm not playing games. I'm not playing with your heart, that is not fun. This is intentional, and this is more than friends, ok?"

I nodded slowly, and didn't reply with more than a few words, "Ok," I showed I understood, but didn't reply anymore than that. He still didn't say he liked me. So I couldn't say that, either.

"I promise you "the talk" is coming... I have a time and place in mind, so you can trust me I'm not fooling around here. If you want to talk sooner, we can, just tell me if you need to."

I told him I was fine, and if we could talk soon, then I was fine.

I couldn't believe it.

Zach must have talked to him... he had to. But he didn't. Caleb knew he had to calm me in some way, and he did. I couldn't believe it.

We hung up all smiley and giggley, and anticipating next Saturday's skype date.

As soon as I closed my computer, I burst into tears, just sobbed. My heart was overwhelmed...

I got on my knees and cried... but it was nothing like the brokenhearted times I'd done the same thing. Something was swelling in my heart, and it was being drawn out of me...

 I suddenly knew what it meant when Mary sang how her soul magnified the Lord. It wasn't a decision to praise the Lord... it was automatic.

There was praise in my heart that I didn't understand. It was more than relief. I was overwhelmed. I prayed over what the heck was happening... and I felt the most indescribable peace... this was good. It was very good. And God was pleased.

Caleb tweeted on twitter how he had a date with "@Shainajoi" and texted me about how excited he was he felt like running laps for all the excitement. He said he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. I replied similarly, and somehow went to bed after leaving ridiculous messages on Zach's phone, and Blakeley's. It was then around 3 am. I hardly slept, as was the new custom in addition to barely eating.

Twenty-Two

It was a Friday night. November. The 18th. Caleigh was over, and we were watching a chick flick. My phone buzzed with a text from Caleb.

"I miss you so much... maybe I can just come out there again for New Year's. It's been too long."

Uhum... What? A few weeks before I had been bold and told Caleb he should do just that. And he clearly responded that it was not going to happen.

So... why the sudden change, Caleb?

He kept going, and flattering me within his suddenly flirty texts. I asked if he'd been drinking. There was no reason why he'd be texting me out of the freaking blue, in the manner in which he was.

My mom stopped over, and I showed her Caleb's texts.

"Is he drunk?"

But no. Caleb had replied that he was innocently watching TV with his dad at their family farm in Missouri. They were hunting that weekend. He texted me late at night, even though he had to get up at 5 am to hunt.

It just didn't make sense to me. It felt different. Something was up. But, true to form, Caleb would go back to just being Caleb. My friend. My FRIEND Caleb. Nothing more, nothing less. By morning, it'd be back to normal.

Truth be told, I did enjoy it. I let him text me. I responded. I had fun. But I knew our good-night was a good-bye later that night. I knew when I went to sleep that I'd close my eyes all to open them to a phone with zero texts from Caleb.

I was stunned when I saw he had already texted me a good morning text when I woke up.

What was the deal? We texted all day. I told my mom and Caleigh, and they were amused. As was I. Caleb and I never kept up sparks for more than 24 hours. But then again, Sunday morning, he texted me a good morning text again.

Later that Sunday, I went to a wedding. Mom and Caleigh saw me texting Caleb a few times through the ceremony. At the reception, they commented on how it would sound if my name were "Shaina Arb." Silly fools, they were. That would never be my name. Although, I saw no reason to correct them.  I honestly was confused about how on earth the spell hadn't been rudely broken yet. I was still expecting it to happen anytime. For the silence. For the ending of the usual up and down. The "maybe I like you" actions to the "yeah, nope," conclusion.

I sat alone in my apartment that night, texting. Somehow we got on the subject of perfect model girls.
I had made a comment brushing "those girls" off, to which Caleb responded with,

"Shaina you are just as pretty, if not prettier by the way."

That did it. I leaned my head back and stared up at my ceiling, and felt my eyes fill up. He was getting to me. I felt my heart swell. I recovered and said thank you, and we continued texting the whole rest of the night. And the next day. And the next.

That Wednesday night something happened. Earlier that year I had given my songwriting to God, and asked Him to order my songs to be only about Him really. I was done writing songs that emotionally tied me to some guy that would just break me to pieces. I asked God not to let me write about a guy unless it was one God brought directly to me.

That night I was so frustrated. I sat down at my piano, and it happened. I wrote a song about a guy for the first time in nearly a year. And yes, I quoted lyrics from "Too Much," the first song i'd written about Caleb over 1 year and a half before.

Thanksgiving was that Thursday. It marked 6 days of nonstop texting.

The texts were starting to sound like this...

"Shai! I'm sorry I was caught up watching the game... how are you?"

Why was he sorry? What was he sorry for? And why was it necessary for him to know how I was that day?

Everyday.

By the end of that night, I had Zach cornered. We were driving to go see the new Twilight movie. Yes, Caleigh and I forced him. Zach was living in NC at the time, so I couldn't constantly ask him what was going on with Caleb.

Zach is one of those faithful guys. Like, if someone asked him not to repeat something, he wouldn't. It was incredibly irritating, especially when I was so desperate to know what was going on in Caleb's mind.

I tried weaving my way into a conversation that would give me something. Anything. I was so in the dark, and getting scared that nothing would come of these texting matches. I had been unattached, but it wasn't slowing down, and I was getting more attached. Eventually, I asked Zach, "Does he like... like me?"

"I dunno, why don't you ask him?"

WRONG. Yeah right! I'd never in a million freaking years ever ever ever ask a guy that ever! I had made it clear with the song I wrote the night before, called, "Say It First,"demanding he do just that. I should never, never, never have to ask a guy what he's thinking. He should be able to say it first, and keep me from the misery of guessing.

"Can you at least tell me he's interested?" I was desperate.

"I'm sure he's interested, that's clear..."

Whatever else he said didn't matter. I found the "bingo," and I had some information to keep in mind. He was interested.

But was I? Did the theoretical confirmation change anything? Was I in a strange place now, if I didn't know exactly how I felt? Was I leading him on?

I didn't know, yet. But it seemed I'd have time to figure it. And talking endlessly would help... he seemed to have no objections whatsoever.

Twenty-One

Once I was back in Jersey, I was better. Once I could just forget about Caleb, and enjoy his friendship, I was just fine.

I was in a weird place about love, anyway. I had an odd, strong feeling that it wouldn't be long for me, but at the same time felt like it'd be years and year. I confided in Blakeley that I had a hunch it wouldn't be long. I held to it. Or more, it held to me. It was hard to shake.

October 2011 hit, and something strange happened.

You know those hilarious crushes you get over someone you never spoke to ever? Well, my old Greenville crush and I became friends on facebook. We had never spoken, but we started to. Yikes. Maybe God had spoken to me, and I was going to get in a relationship with this guy. It was a dream anyway.

November hit, and Caleb and I skyped one night. We skyped for about two hours. During those two hours, I asked Caleb if he;d found the woman of his dreams yet. He told me no. I asked if he was interested in anyone.

He squirmed in his green sweatshirt. He started, "Uhhhhhhhhgggg I dunno, I'm not sure, really..."

"CALEB!!!" I was overjoyed for him. "Ask her out! I don't care where you go or how you ask her, but you HAVE TO. This is HUGE!!"

"I dunno, Shai..."

"Caleb, you have got to take a chance. I'll pay for the date. heck, I'll buy you a gift card, and just use that. you don't even have to pay! You have to ask her out."

I wasn't getting through.

"Caleb, if she says no, I'll fly out there, and we'll go out so we don't waste money. But you have to ask her." I went on about how he's awesome, and shouldn't worry about what this girl would say.

It was normal to skype with Caleb, and I didn't think about him romantically at all. I was kind of giddy about this other guy I'd been talking with. But I was getting cold feet.

So I decided to mention it to Caleb. He had talked to me about his potential interest. And I didn't want to give him the impression I was interested in him. But I left out romantic feelings for this Greenville guy. I simply told Caleb he and I were talking a little bit, but I didn't want to give the "wrong impression" and I wasn't sure if I should keep talking to him. Caleb confirmed the guy was Godly, and a great person. That's all it took. Caleb said it, so it must be true. Caleb said if I over analyzed it, I could miss out on an awesome friendship.

I told my mom and Alex what Caleb said about this other Greenville guy, and they agreed. So this Greenville guy and I kept talking here and there, and I didn't feel weird anymore.

That week Zach, Caleigh and I were recording our EP in Nashville. But our Nashville flight got canceled. Zach was already in Nashville, and Caleigh and I were stranded at the airport, desperate to get a flight out. I was texting Caleb like a fool, and finally had the idea of flying into St. Louis to drive down with Jared the next morning, since he was going to meet up there anyway. Caleb confirmed his mom would pick us up, and we'd stay at the Arb's that night and go to the Blue's Game that night as well. Caleb was so excited to see us.

But right as we were about to board the plane, my amazing idea struck me. Blakeley was in St. Louis, and heading to Nashville that night. One of my best friends. So we quickly threw together our ideas, and Blakeley and Jared were coming to pick us up, and drive down to Nashville.

I called Caleb with only a few seconds to tell him not to have his mom get us, and that we had someone else getting us, and I'd see him later. I thanked him for being so willing to help, and hung up. And that was that.

In Nashville, we were recording Too Much, Away, and In the Eyes. Caleb and I texted a bit while we were in Nashville, and it was very relaxed and friendly. When it came time to record Too Much, I was pumped. I was so eager to sing, I couldn't stand it anymore. I was so pumped up, I felt like I would pop.

I was in the recording room, and sang my be-donk off. I kept imagining Caleb standing in front of me, finally able to scream (sing) at him for being so indecisive. He fought so hard to deny that he really did feel the same way. But I knew it. I knew he liked me so many times. He would change his mind, but I could read it on his face every time.

I went back in time. I was back at the library. I was back in the car when we crashed against the rail. I was laying on his shoulder in the car after Jr Sr. I was sitting with him at Jay and Alex's engagement party. I remembered how angry I'd been. How hurt I'd felt. How I just felt like screaming.  He would even move the way I do... we folded our arms the same way. He leaned on one hand while we worked at our computers in the library so long ago. We tapped the same foot at concerts. I knew we were seeing the same thing. Every time. If he could just let it set inside his heart... I balled my fists, and sang hard, and felt it surge through me... the anger... the frustration... the confusion...

But when I left that recording room, and knew the job was well done, I got out of the time machine. And thoughts of Caleb were no more. I revisited the site of the scene to get the emotion I needed. It was successful, and that was all.

When I sat back down in the room with Zach, Caleigh, Stephen (producer) and Jared, I looked at my hands, and saw I had made bruises on my hands, and indented from my fingernails. I showed everyone, and told Zach I just imagined Caleb standing in front of me and sang like I meant it.

"Yeah, you guys should date, and like, get married." Zach told me.

UHM. WHUT. Where did that come from?! That was completely uncalled for. It irritated me.

And I was still talking to that other guy. As friends. But nonetheless... it was still so evidently "too much" for Caleb. And I know I said "I'll wait I know I can reach you" to the imaginary Caleb in my time-machine recording booth... but I didn't mean it.

Twenty

By the time the weekend in September rolled around, I wasn't so eager. I was excited to see Caleb, but I was fairly simmered down as far as feelings went.

Zach and I left for St. Louis on a Friday night. When we got to St. Louis, Caleb and Stephen were supposed to be picking us up form the Airport. We couldn't find them at first. I turned a corner, and saw Stephen stalking around in his studly way. And Caleb was a little behind him. We all turned around and saw each other at once, and the boys did their chest bumps and I hugged everyone. Caleb hugged me so tightly, and took my bag for me. He kept his arm around me as we walked to the car, but it didn't throw me off too bad. We'd become such chummy friends.

I called shotgun, and we all drove to Delmar to the Loop where we'd meet up with tons more Greenville people. Including my roommate, Trina.

I practically leaped out of the car to hug Trina. The car had hardly stopped.

As Caleb turned around to park the car, I whispered to Trina that I thought something was cooking between Caleb and I.

"I don't doubt it, Shaina, I never did. I bet something could happen." She told me.

We all went to Fro Yo and sat down outside. It was so nice outside.

Now, this may sound like I was pleasantly interested in Caleb, and Caleb alone. But I wasn't. See, I was still trying to figure out what Shaina's heart truly wanted. And there was someone else I just wasn't totally sure about yet, either.

But that evening made me feel more certain about Caleb. So many of us in that gathering were college graduates, starting new jobs, beginning a new life. We all connected so well. And I felt like Caleb and I were so much more on the same page than me and anyone else. Just that usual feeling of acceptance and understanding Caleb and I tended to share.

When we were getting ready to leave, Alex called me. I was supposed to stay the night with her in her new apartment. The next day was her and Jay's engagement party. The whole reason Zach and I were in St. Louis.

Zach was staying over Caleb's. I was so excited to see Alex, but a little sad to say goodnight to Caleb.

Alex told me her water hadn't been turned on yet, though, and that I might want to stay at Caleb's. So it was decided.

I walked up to Caleb and told him the news. When we got to Caleb's, the three of us hung out for a little bit, but I decided I'd retire to go to bed earlier than they did. I said goodnight, and went up to the guest bedroom. As I walked passed all the pictures in the hallway, I thought to myself how I felt like I belonged somewhere in the collage of frames. I felt like I fit in.

I took out my journal, and wrote about the night. I was thinking about all the possibilities I had in life, since I was single, and unattached to anywhere specific. I thought about moving to St. Louis the following Summer, after teaching for a year in NJ.

Especially since I had a hunch I might be dating a certain someone by the following summer...

Just then, Caleb texted me, and asked if I'd like a lullaby. I said of course. I wasn't sure what he had up his sleeve, but he came into my room wearing his glasses. I thought he looked so cute.

He played Goodnight by the Beatles on his computer for me. He was so cute. He told me he was sorry he couldn't sing for me himself, but that it'd have to do. I thanked him, and he said goodnight, and went back downstairs.

Flirty. And so cute. I took it in, and wrote about it in my journal, but still wasn't entirely sure which guy I really was interested in. It sounds bad to say, but I was skeptical of Caleb, due to the past. He could so easily recreate the past, and confuse me to no end. It didn't make me feel safe. I felt foolish so many times with Caleb before, but I didn't really worry about it. I just enjoyed being with him.

The next day, Alex and I went to the Thrift Store. We were going through the aisle of vases and home decor, when she said, "I want to know why Caleb Arb doesn't have some amazing woman in his life. He is just so awesome."

"I know!" I replied. In all honesty, I didn't know why he didn't just pick one already. Whoever he picked. Just pick a girl. He could have anyone he wanted. We shared our thoughts about how Caleb is such a great guy, and whoever he spends his life with would be a lucky girl.

While Alex and I got ready for her engagement party, I shared with her my confusion about how I felt about some guy. But completely left Caleb out of it. I didn't know what it was, but I didn't want to bring Caleb into it. So I didn't. Until Alex asked me herself.

"What about you and Caleb? I always had a hunch about you two."

"I don't know Alex... I don't know what it is. It just never works. Something is just always off, and not right, and it's so confusing."

That night in Forest Park, I met up with Zach and Caleb when they got to the party. Caleb and I stood talking and laughing, even when Zach wandered off greeting other old friends from college. Alex walked past me, and she and I had a "You're standing next to Caleb and you look so cute!" and "I know! I don't know what this means but it's fun!" exchange with our eyes.

We all claimed our seats, and Caleb sat next to me. I could have read into it more, but he and I knew each other. It probably didn't mean a thing. But I didn't mind it. Caleb asked me if I wanted to get a drink, and we walked over to the drinks table and both got some juice, and sat down. Alex and I had another eye conversation as Caleb and I sat down. He gave me some of his food, when he saw I couldn't eat very much, since I'm gluten-intolerant.

That night, Zach, Caleb and I headed out to Greenville. On the way there, Caleb turned down the music. I was sitting in the back. He started to confess some things to Zach and I. At the party, I had heard Caleb make comments about how some people were just foolish about getting married. He had made some other negative comments in general about people getting married.

I couldn't hear him talk very well, since i was in the back. But I heard enough.

"I don't think I'll be in any place to get married for a long, long time..." My heart sank just a little. "I had a dream... I was getting married... and the girl who was supposed to be my wife was walking down the aisle... and I didn't love her..." I was starting to feel sick.  "I just feel like I'm bitter after what I've already been through. I know I am. And I don't know how long it'll take to get over it..."

So there it was. He kept talking, but I couldn't hear him, and I didn't care. I was hurt. He had flirted with me all night. I was happy about it. I loved him so much, but it had happened again.

I texted my mom, and told her I doubted I'd ever find anybody. She asked if there was anything with Caleb. I told her there wasn't. She said God knew exactly who he had for me, and he was probably right under my nose, just waiting on God's timing. And I doubted.

When we got to Greenville, we hung out with a bunch of people. I got to hang and play some music with some old friends, too.

As I lay on the floor of Trina and Haley's room, I just ached. Haley came in late, and I was still awake, my ind racing over the events of the day and previous night. She and I talked till 4am. I was so confused, but I decided I needed a musician. In other words, not Caleb. Singing and playing music with a man who I loved for the rest of my life would be like chicken soup that could cure a cold. I talked to Haley about my night, and about how frustrated I was about Caleb. And I felt more relaxed about the other guy I hadn't been sure about. I concluded. It wasn't Caleb. It could never be Caleb. I was done. So done. So overcooked about it. It was over, and I was done.

Nineteen

The first month home in NJ after graduation was one of the hardest I'd experienced. I was desperate to move to Nashville with Zach and Caleigh, and to get on my music and live life.

I finally got a job at Chipotle, all to lose it the first day because my alarm didn't work. That night, I went to bed early. I had been nearly asleep when my phone beeped.

"R U awake?" Caleb had texted.

That seemed odd to me that he'd text me like that. I texted him back that I was awake, and he said,

"Skype in 8?"

So I got my computer, and tried not to wake my sisters asleep in my room.

I got my computer into the sunroom, and he came on. I was worried. What was wrong? Was he ok?

So I got on, and he said, "Hey! I just wanted to say hey, I haven't talked to you in a while, how's it going?"

Ok. Maybe this was normal after all. No bigs. We used to skype all the time. We were friends. Good friends. I missed Caleb. And all memories of any hurt from him were gone. After all, I knew we were friends. I knew he was not really interested in pursing anyone at the moment. He stuck to his guns. He didn't go after anyone else. It wasn't just me. And Graduation proved I'd need some time to collect myself, as well. I was a mess of what was to be with my life. Caleb was a bit as well. We talked about how different life had become, and how we felt about it.

I decided to drop the bomb and let him know how humiliatingly stupid I'd been that day, losing my silly Chipotle job. He was so good, and encouraging. He laughed appropriately, and sympathized when he was supposed to.

He was waiting tables at a pizza place in St. Louis to pass the time as he looked for jobs in St. Louis. He had been planning on coming to Nashville with us, and getting a job there. Do something different, new and exciting.

Our Nashville plans were slowly becoming more and more frustrated as well.

We skyped for an hour and a half or so, and then went to bed. So much for going to bed early.

We would text and skype occasionally through the whole summer. It was normal, and easy, and the most non-threatening friendship with a guy I had. I gained a different perspective about Caleb, because he was such a faithful friend. If I told him I wanted to talk to him and he forgot, I forgave him easily, because I knew he was just Caleb. He forgot sometimes. And he would always apologize. I never thought he did anything maliciously. He was one of my best guy friends. And he understood me so well. And I understood him.

When he got his job with the St. Louis Blues Hockey Club, Zach and I rejoiced with him. When I got my Teaching job a few weeks later, he was one of the first people I called. He had been up at his family's farm when he called me back. We chatted for about 10 minutes. I was a little surprised at myself for being so excited to tell Caleb. But we had just both been in the same boat about finding work, and finding direction for life after College, he just understood me so well. I loved sharing those little victories with him.

It was August 15th 2011. My family went to a dinner at another family's house, and we all sat around just filling the other family of the new developments in our lives. We spent most of the evening looking at one of the family's daughters wedding pictures, and then the other daughter had just gotten engaged.

Immediately my thoughts turned to Caleb. It was out of the blue. I didn't know why I'd always go back to him. So many times it just didn't happen. It probably was God Himself keeping it from happening. In fact, so many times I'd prayed about it. Was it right to be with Caleb? And I never felt right about it. Something just wasn't there. It was probably him who wasn't there. After all, as far as I knew it was always one sided. My side. Not his.

But I highly doubted it. No. No way. I knew Caleb. He liked me, and I knew it. He wouldn't say it, but he didn't have to. I knew the times he's skype me in the middle of the night that he wanted to talk to me, and not someone else. I knew the guy. I knew him well.

I vented to Zach on the way home. This sudden obsession of Caleb took me off guard, but it didn't take Zach off guard.

"I KNOW he liked me! And now it's too late! Why the heck did he miss his chance?!" I fumed.

"Yeah I know he liked you. He should have asked you out." Zach replied.

The car might as well have stopped. Because my heart did.

"Wait. He DID?! I'm RIGHT?!"

"Yeah, he mentioned it to me last Spring. He told me how he had liked you a year ago, but didn't want to hurt you, or mess anything up since you guys had such a good friendship. He didn't trust himself, and didn't want to be weird with me since we were rooming together senior year."

"WHAT!!??!" I couldn't believe it. I can't believe I really did know Caleb well enough.

"I think he liked me when he got home from China, too." I told Zach. Basically challenging him with whatever information he had that I didn't.

"Yeah, he probably did."

OH MY GOSH. Zach dropped me off at my apartment, and I was still a little dizzy mentally. Caleb had liked me. I knew it. The little twerp.

Just then, my phone buzzed. A text. From Caleb.

"Shaina, I'm sorry I suck at keeping in touch with you, I'm a lousy friend. It doesn't reflect at all how much I value our friendship. I hope you're doing well."

OH MY GOSH what was happening. Zach must have said something. I was mad. I called Zach, but he said he hadn't talked to Caleb for days.

Caleb's text didn't make sense. We talked just fine. I didn't feel like he never kept in touch with me. We talked a good bit once a week or so. That was fine by me. We were after all, 1000 miles apart.

I didn't know what I wanted from Caleb. I guess I just liked when people owned up to how they felt. I respected the 5 guys (can you even believe that....) that confessed they'd had feelings for me over the summer from the spring before. Five different guys told me they had liked me a few months prior. Whatever was in the water at Greenville apparently was filtered out of Caleb's cup.

I respected the guys who valued me enough to be real with me. They respected me enough to tell me the truth, even when they knew I didn't feel the same.

Caleb never gave me the truth. But according to Zach, Caleb just didn't know what he wanted either, and was never sure enough. Never sure enough that he could protect me from getting hurt. Never sure enough that it was really right.

But you know... I wasn't sure either.

But I knew it was sprouting up in me again. This stupid little thing-for-Caleb that tortured me for years. Even 1000 miles away. Heck it would plague me when he was oceans away in China! What was wrong with me?

I had known clearly it just didn't feel right. So many times. It didn't happen. Something was missing. And I knew it was God's hand. God wasn't allowing it to happen. And I was just wishing I had a guy, probably.

But I was still overjoyed that a few weeks later in September, I'd be going to St. Louis with Zach for Jay and Alex's engagement party. With Caleb.

But I didn't tell Caleb. I figured I'd let Zach tell him. I couldn't seem too eager to see Caleb, after all.

Eighteen

Almost normal.

The next day I had an early keyboard ensemble rehearsal. Caleb texted me from Nashville and told me about his interview. I was feeling really confused by him. The spell had broken, hadn't it? But then he'd texted me all morning about his interview. Whatever.

Later that week, a bunch of us went out to Mario's for dinner. It was raining so hard, and we all piled into Zach and Caleb's apartment afterwards. It wasn't long before I had to go to teach swing dancing for the swing dancing group.

I showed Caleb a simple step, and asked him to come with me. I really begged. He was smiling, and I thought he was about to say yes.

He might as well have been nodding his head by the expression on his face.

"Uhmmmmm.... no thanks..."

I probably asked three more times before I left. Every time I thought he was going to give in and just come. I could clearly see he wanted to. What was the deal!? So. Confused.

He was so sweet all through dinner. Sat by me, and chatted with me. And then denied me. What was it with this guy? I shook it off and went to swing dancing, and didn't really consider it much afterwards.

Graduation was then within weeks.

I spoke at Vespers for the final Vespers of the year, my last Vespers as a student.

Caleb texted me afterwards, and said great job, and invited me up to the apartment to watch Tangled. I hadn't known he'd come back to school. He'd spent only a week in Greenville before going home before graduation since his study abroad ended earlier than the regular semester.

He texted me back saying he wouldn't have missed it.

Caleb was like a brother. It made me feel so good, and so valued that he came back to Greenville just because he knew I was speaking. It was precious to me that he came. I felt precious to him.

So one of my friends and I came up to the apartment. Caleb sat on the couch, as well as a bunch of other people. When I say apartment 310 was the hot spot, I mean it was thee place to be. Caleb offered his spot for me, but I said it was fine, and asked if it was ok to just lean on his legs on the floor. He said of course, and I was happy.

A few days later I woke up sick, and threw up. Zach told me later in the day that I could use his apartment to make soup for dinner. He was out, so he told me to ask Caleb to open the door for me. I called Caleb, and he offered to make it for me so I didn't have to leave my dorm. I told him I needed to get out and do something because I'd been in bed all day. He told me to meet him on Scott Field, because of all the end of the year festivities. I met him there, and we walked up to Tower (the apartments) and I made my soup.

While I was making it, he ran out real quick, and came back with gatorade and Vitamin water for me.

He was just so sweet.

But I was tired of being confused, and frustrated about his mixed signals. I was hanging out with one of my other guys friends quite a bit, and I decided I'd quit overanalyzing things, and just roll with it. Rumors were starting about me and this other guy, and I didn't stop them.

I'd been interested in Caleb. But he made me so frustrated. I was tired of constantly misreading him. Maybe we didn't get each other as well as I'd thought.

I was within his reach if he wanted to pursue me, but he didn't. He kept up with his "So happy to be single" stories, and I felt bad. He would flirt with me, and be so sweet, then smack me in the heart every time for thinking he was treating me different than everyone else. Of course no one ever spoke anything out loud. It was all between the lines. I just kept shrugging it off.

Graduation Day came, and both of our families united to celebrate.

That night a bunch of us went to the Spaghetti Factory. Caleb caught me on our way out and asked me if I liked my other friend. I wasn't really sure yet, but my hesitation gave Caleb enough assurance I probably did.

Ugh. Caleb was all happy for me again. Really?

I felt sad that he would come so close to pursuing me, let me "fall asleep" on his shoulder, and fall asleep leaning on my head, and then encourage me to fall in love with some other guy.

I figured I'd just let go of everything. If someone else pursued me, maybe I'd just roll with wherever that led. If Caleb wouldn't fight for me, I didn't want him. I loved him, but I wanted to be pursued. If he's just-like-that-take-a-step-away the instant he suspected he'd have competition, I didn't want to be the girl under his arm. I was disappointed, but shrugged it off.

And then, reality struck.

I was newly graduated. And I hadn't a clue what was going on.

Seventeen

As I finished Kirstie's hair and make up, hardly beginning on my own, Zach texted me that I had about 5 minutes before the gang was going to leave for the dance.

I didn't look good. I knew it. I didn't feel it. I tried, but the odds beat me, and I didn't feel very pretty.

I was wearing a bridesmaids dress I'd just worn for a wedding a few weeks before. Zach had suggested it. So maybe I did look ok.

I walked in Zach and Caleb's apartment, and found Caleb in blue and red like we'd planned.  He had been so cute showing me options, so I'd like what he wore. I felt  so uncertain though, because I still just couldn't tell if he wanted to go with me, or was just trying to be a gentleman. He was good at that. Maybe that's all this was. He didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I walked over to him, and gave him a hug. He told me I looked beautiful. I didn't feel beautiful, but I was kind of pleased he was playing the part of my date so sweetly. I told him he looked handsome.

We drove to the Jr Sr, and Caleb and I sat in the back with Joel, and Stephen drove with Zach in the front.

We sat down at our table, and then went outside for some pictures.

Through the night Caleb officially asked me to be his date, since he said he felt bad for not asking me first. Ohhh he played the gentleman card so well...

He and I weren't always side by side the whole night. It was comfortable, and fun.

He'd dance with his buddies, and I'd dance with mine. We were sitting at our table towards the end of the evening, chilling out. A slow song came on...

"Wanna dance?" He asked me.

"Awww! Yeah!" I played the sweetheart date card.

We danced, and we pretended to be super awkward.

"So... um... thanks for... uhhh... coming with me... it's been... so fun!"

We stepped on each other's feet, and goofed off.

I liked it. It was so natural, and so fun, and so cute.

We were the perfect height. I felt cute looking up at him, laughing and acting dorky. And he was pretty adorable...

The song ended, and we were free and danced with other people.

When we were leaving, we decided we'd all stop at Cold Stone and get some ice cream.

We still had a while to go before we got back to school on the drive.

In the back seat, we all started to chill out and nod off...

Caleb felt closer to me than he did on the ride there. No really... he was scooting closer. What was happening? Was I out of my mind? I was so squished against the door, I had no choice I tell you...

I leaned my head on his shoulder.

And he put his head on mine.

I pretended to sleep. My eyes were closed. Most of the time. The moon was my friend, containing its light just enough to create the purest, softest whispers of romantic light. But I swear we both heard them.

We'd hit a bump, and I'd pretend to jump like I had no control over the fact that we were cuddling like two snuggle bunnies.

Oh silly me! I'd fallen asleep! How did I end up on your shoulder?

Oh, I let it happen. I was fully conscious. And I was freaking out. What was happening!?

Did he know? Was he awake? We were friends... we'd spent the whole night goofing off and just enjoying being together. The slow dance was fun... it didn't mean anything... it couldn't have... nothing ever went anywhere with this kid, it was nutty. But he put his head back on mine... and again I let it happen. All the way home.

We got back to their apartment, and we all watched a movie. I was between Joel and Caleb.

Someone was rubbing my foot with his foot.

What the heck?! Whose foot was that!?

I couldn't concentrate. Caleb's hand was suddenly all too close to mine.

Oh my freaking gosh, what would I do if he grabbed my hand?

I couldn't concentrate on the movie...

Caleb announced he was going to bed. He had an interview. In Nashville. The next morning.

He went to bed. The spell was broken. Back to normal.

Sixteen

And get on with it I did. On skype. With Caleb. Sometimes several times a week. We couldn't video that easily, though we did try. Bad reception sometimes in all the random Asian cities he was in.

That Spring, Caleb became a friend I turned to, a friend I trusted, a friend I just loved talking to. Yeah we had some weird patches. But just like always, our friendship never budged.

I decided to start hanging out with some guy. I told Caleb about it, and he was so happy for me. He told me he thought it was really cool. This other guy ended up within weeks showing to be not worth any glances I'd tossed his way. I was shredded to pieces. I was embarrassed, and frustrated, and so confused. I didn't like talking about it, but I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't want to talk to anyone on campus, because I wanted to pretend I'd never been so stupid. It was an emotionally draining and manipulative relationship that didn't need to happen.

Caleb and I e-mailed back and forth about it. I vented, he listened. He gave me his two cents in return.

He poured out his own new discoveries to me as well. How much his heart was just healing so much. How much he was learning in China. About all his new friends. How he understands now why he was so wrong in past relationships. How the next girl he's on a real emotional level with would be his wife.

I didn't feel threatened by Caleb anymore. I trusted him. We were both in a place so sold out to being single and loving life, our Skype conversations were amazing.

I'd stay up till 3 am some nights just chatting with him.

My roommate loved it. Trina never gave up on her hope that Caleb and I would get together. We would look up that one picture of him and I hugging from New Years on the beach. How perfectly I fit next to him.

There were moments, of course, when I'd wonder if maybe, just maybe, Caleb was partial to me.

But I didn't doubt his clear words. He was loving being single.

But you know... I was, too.

One particularly overwhelming night, I came home from Without Ceasing (a 24 hour worship and prayer event on campus) and skyped Caleb for over an hour.

By the end of it I had asked Caleb to be my Jr Sr date when he came home from China. I explained how I wanted to go with someone but was in no mood to go with someone else and invite more drama into my already dramatic life. He agreed. Though I fretted about it for the few weeks following asking him.

Had I sunk to a new low? No... Caleb and I were friends. Such good friends. He knew I was asking him to avoid crap from other people. What if the last psycho asked me to go with him, and then I'd feel bad and not go with anyone? It was better to ask a guy friend. And the best part was that Caleb and I would go for free since we were seniors.

I was so excited to see him when he came back from China. It was May 2011, and I walked as fast as I could to go see him on Scott Field before I had Keyboard Ensemble practice. He got up from sitting with a few friends, and gave me a big hug.

Admittedly I'd been nervous. But again, as I walked away, I was relieved again. Like I'd been after seeing him at Back to School Bash. Like I'd been at his Going Away Party. The way I'd been at his last Improv Show.

Oh it was exhausting how many times I'd felt that mix of relief and disappointment.

But relief definitely outweighed.

Oh, but did that mean I'd made a mistake about asking him to be my date? Maybe he didn't care. We were better as friends, maybe we shouldn't pose as a pseudo couple.... We still had a week before Jr Sr... I was terrified it'd be awkward.

One night that week, Caleb and I were texting.

I'd made a light comment about the silly little "relationship" that had gone on earlier that Winter with that other guy.

"Shaina. What really happened."

He was the first person who really asked me. I didn't know what to say. I'd kept it all hushed. But for some reason I told him the things that guy had said to me. Just so degrading...

Caleb's reaction to my confession about the guy made me cry.

"Shaina no. No no no that is NOT how a gentleman acts. It's not. That's crap..." He had gone on.

My roommate had walked in while I was crying, reading Caleb's texts. That was the first time I unloaded that information...

The next day Caleb and I got together at the Union. I'd asked him if he told Zach about our conversation through texting the night before. He told me he did not, and that it's between Zach and I if I tell him.

I watched Caleb's eyes as we sat in there that afternoon. His hazel eyes looked so green. They were so nice... I liked looking at them. And he was wearing that grey shirt I loved so much.

But he seemed distant. Distracted. Like he wasn't really there, or like he was eager to get somewhere else.

Had I developed hope, again? I was suddenly interested in leaving the union sooner rather than later. What was it with him... why did I feel so safe, and happy talking and being with him? Maybe we weren't as good friends as I thought. He was probably more eager to fit in hanging out with more people before we were graduating a few weeks from then.

That Friday, we were going to the Jr Sr together. I got more and more nervous. Especially since every freaking time I was with him or talked to him, I felt a different way towards him.

Jr Sr was either going to be amazing, or the most awkward night in the world.

Fifteen

The next morning, Tuesday January 4th 2011, I limped to class. I was so slow I didn't know if I'd make it in time. The snow on the ground didn't help. My leg was wrapped up under my skinny jeans, and was hard to bend, even aside from the pain. 

Alisa Gunter was in her office in Snyder (the building my class was in), when I asked her why my class wasn't in the classroom. Apparently they'd changed the time. Since I was sick the day before, I'd missed the memo. 

Alisa asked how we all were, since she'd seen Caleb's posts on facebook about our wreck. I sat in her office and chatted with her until my class started a little later. No way was I gonna walk through the snow with that leg again. 

I'd sipped my gatorade trying so hard to get some hydration, though fearful of what it would do to my stomach. 

I spent that week of Interterm journaling. Not taking notes. I did that too... occasionally... but I just couldn't get my mind together. I'd keep flashing back. Flashing back to what, one might wondering... since I could only remember one moment. One moment. With Caleb. That's it. 

But I started to realize it just wasn't going to happen with Caleb. It clearly wasn't. In fact that girl he'd apparently been done with... her roommate was in the class with me, and told me she'd heard all about the wreck because of her roommate. I figured he wasn't really over her, like he professed to be. Whatever. 

I kept hoping Caleb would show up in my class. I was so excited, because he said he was going to sit in a time or two. I was so disappointed when he didn't. 

That Saturday, Zach and I were opening for a friend's show in St. Louis. I was so nervous, because Caleb was going to be there.  I was afraid I'd fall in love with him or something. Caleigh had been asking me if I'd fallen for him again after he "saved my life." But I told her I really didn't think so. 

Though I did get nervous. 

When I saw Caleb, it wasn't a big deal. In fact, I remember thinking I didn't like his haircut. It was too short. I loved his hair before. But he'd cut it because he was leaving for China for the study abroad program he was doing. 

Once I felt sure I wasn't crushing on Caleb, I relaxed. I sat with him and put my bum leg up until it was my turn to play with Zach. Caleb stayed next to me, and we'd joke back and forth. I sat by him while I waited for the song I sang guest vocals on with another band that night. 

Afterwards, Caleb and I had conspired for a little birthday celebration for Zach at Dave and Busters. A few of us went out and celebrated. We stayed at Caleb's house that night. Little did Caleb know we were throwing him a surprise farewell party the next day. We would be part of the distraction part until the party. 

I sat on that bed in the guest bedroom,  and honestly felt a little sad. Every stinkin' time there was the slightest spark between Caleb and I, it just puffed back into thin air. And I always felt foolish for it. 

That same night one of my good guy friends who'd been asking me out for months told me he'd gone out with some girl that night. I was glad he was getting a hint, but I felt bad that he gave up. I just wanted someone to stick to it. None of this spark and then "Just kidding!" stuff. 

Another good friend texted me that night. He'd also been pretty hard at pursuing me. But it felt good. He said one thing. And acted the same way. Consistent. 

I was tired. In a few ways. And Caleb was going to China. I was a fool. I always fell for the wrong guy. I went to bed that night a little defeated, but sure of my resolve. No Caleb. 

The next week before Caleb left for China was confusing. I went to the last Improv Show Caleb would be in before he left for China. I sat with his family. Caleb came up to me afterwards, and hugged me so tight. Oh, I loved that guy... but I was almost eager for him to go. Let me totally forget about him. I wouldn't feel guilty anymore if I allowed someone else to pursue me. Someone who could prove me wrong. Maybe I could fall for someone. Maybe someone different wouldn't break my heart. 

Before I left that night, Caleb found me one more time, and hugged me even tighter. A good goodbye hug. His hugs felt so good. I liked that he gave me attention when everyone else was crowding around him begging for it. 

Walking out that door from Ladue Auditorium was a relief. I could get on with life. Caleb could go to China, and I could get on with my life.