Sixteen

And get on with it I did. On skype. With Caleb. Sometimes several times a week. We couldn't video that easily, though we did try. Bad reception sometimes in all the random Asian cities he was in.

That Spring, Caleb became a friend I turned to, a friend I trusted, a friend I just loved talking to. Yeah we had some weird patches. But just like always, our friendship never budged.

I decided to start hanging out with some guy. I told Caleb about it, and he was so happy for me. He told me he thought it was really cool. This other guy ended up within weeks showing to be not worth any glances I'd tossed his way. I was shredded to pieces. I was embarrassed, and frustrated, and so confused. I didn't like talking about it, but I didn't know who to talk to. I didn't want to talk to anyone on campus, because I wanted to pretend I'd never been so stupid. It was an emotionally draining and manipulative relationship that didn't need to happen.

Caleb and I e-mailed back and forth about it. I vented, he listened. He gave me his two cents in return.

He poured out his own new discoveries to me as well. How much his heart was just healing so much. How much he was learning in China. About all his new friends. How he understands now why he was so wrong in past relationships. How the next girl he's on a real emotional level with would be his wife.

I didn't feel threatened by Caleb anymore. I trusted him. We were both in a place so sold out to being single and loving life, our Skype conversations were amazing.

I'd stay up till 3 am some nights just chatting with him.

My roommate loved it. Trina never gave up on her hope that Caleb and I would get together. We would look up that one picture of him and I hugging from New Years on the beach. How perfectly I fit next to him.

There were moments, of course, when I'd wonder if maybe, just maybe, Caleb was partial to me.

But I didn't doubt his clear words. He was loving being single.

But you know... I was, too.

One particularly overwhelming night, I came home from Without Ceasing (a 24 hour worship and prayer event on campus) and skyped Caleb for over an hour.

By the end of it I had asked Caleb to be my Jr Sr date when he came home from China. I explained how I wanted to go with someone but was in no mood to go with someone else and invite more drama into my already dramatic life. He agreed. Though I fretted about it for the few weeks following asking him.

Had I sunk to a new low? No... Caleb and I were friends. Such good friends. He knew I was asking him to avoid crap from other people. What if the last psycho asked me to go with him, and then I'd feel bad and not go with anyone? It was better to ask a guy friend. And the best part was that Caleb and I would go for free since we were seniors.

I was so excited to see him when he came back from China. It was May 2011, and I walked as fast as I could to go see him on Scott Field before I had Keyboard Ensemble practice. He got up from sitting with a few friends, and gave me a big hug.

Admittedly I'd been nervous. But again, as I walked away, I was relieved again. Like I'd been after seeing him at Back to School Bash. Like I'd been at his Going Away Party. The way I'd been at his last Improv Show.

Oh it was exhausting how many times I'd felt that mix of relief and disappointment.

But relief definitely outweighed.

Oh, but did that mean I'd made a mistake about asking him to be my date? Maybe he didn't care. We were better as friends, maybe we shouldn't pose as a pseudo couple.... We still had a week before Jr Sr... I was terrified it'd be awkward.

One night that week, Caleb and I were texting.

I'd made a light comment about the silly little "relationship" that had gone on earlier that Winter with that other guy.

"Shaina. What really happened."

He was the first person who really asked me. I didn't know what to say. I'd kept it all hushed. But for some reason I told him the things that guy had said to me. Just so degrading...

Caleb's reaction to my confession about the guy made me cry.

"Shaina no. No no no that is NOT how a gentleman acts. It's not. That's crap..." He had gone on.

My roommate had walked in while I was crying, reading Caleb's texts. That was the first time I unloaded that information...

The next day Caleb and I got together at the Union. I'd asked him if he told Zach about our conversation through texting the night before. He told me he did not, and that it's between Zach and I if I tell him.

I watched Caleb's eyes as we sat in there that afternoon. His hazel eyes looked so green. They were so nice... I liked looking at them. And he was wearing that grey shirt I loved so much.

But he seemed distant. Distracted. Like he wasn't really there, or like he was eager to get somewhere else.

Had I developed hope, again? I was suddenly interested in leaving the union sooner rather than later. What was it with him... why did I feel so safe, and happy talking and being with him? Maybe we weren't as good friends as I thought. He was probably more eager to fit in hanging out with more people before we were graduating a few weeks from then.

That Friday, we were going to the Jr Sr together. I got more and more nervous. Especially since every freaking time I was with him or talked to him, I felt a different way towards him.

Jr Sr was either going to be amazing, or the most awkward night in the world.