Nineteen

The first month home in NJ after graduation was one of the hardest I'd experienced. I was desperate to move to Nashville with Zach and Caleigh, and to get on my music and live life.

I finally got a job at Chipotle, all to lose it the first day because my alarm didn't work. That night, I went to bed early. I had been nearly asleep when my phone beeped.

"R U awake?" Caleb had texted.

That seemed odd to me that he'd text me like that. I texted him back that I was awake, and he said,

"Skype in 8?"

So I got my computer, and tried not to wake my sisters asleep in my room.

I got my computer into the sunroom, and he came on. I was worried. What was wrong? Was he ok?

So I got on, and he said, "Hey! I just wanted to say hey, I haven't talked to you in a while, how's it going?"

Ok. Maybe this was normal after all. No bigs. We used to skype all the time. We were friends. Good friends. I missed Caleb. And all memories of any hurt from him were gone. After all, I knew we were friends. I knew he was not really interested in pursing anyone at the moment. He stuck to his guns. He didn't go after anyone else. It wasn't just me. And Graduation proved I'd need some time to collect myself, as well. I was a mess of what was to be with my life. Caleb was a bit as well. We talked about how different life had become, and how we felt about it.

I decided to drop the bomb and let him know how humiliatingly stupid I'd been that day, losing my silly Chipotle job. He was so good, and encouraging. He laughed appropriately, and sympathized when he was supposed to.

He was waiting tables at a pizza place in St. Louis to pass the time as he looked for jobs in St. Louis. He had been planning on coming to Nashville with us, and getting a job there. Do something different, new and exciting.

Our Nashville plans were slowly becoming more and more frustrated as well.

We skyped for an hour and a half or so, and then went to bed. So much for going to bed early.

We would text and skype occasionally through the whole summer. It was normal, and easy, and the most non-threatening friendship with a guy I had. I gained a different perspective about Caleb, because he was such a faithful friend. If I told him I wanted to talk to him and he forgot, I forgave him easily, because I knew he was just Caleb. He forgot sometimes. And he would always apologize. I never thought he did anything maliciously. He was one of my best guy friends. And he understood me so well. And I understood him.

When he got his job with the St. Louis Blues Hockey Club, Zach and I rejoiced with him. When I got my Teaching job a few weeks later, he was one of the first people I called. He had been up at his family's farm when he called me back. We chatted for about 10 minutes. I was a little surprised at myself for being so excited to tell Caleb. But we had just both been in the same boat about finding work, and finding direction for life after College, he just understood me so well. I loved sharing those little victories with him.

It was August 15th 2011. My family went to a dinner at another family's house, and we all sat around just filling the other family of the new developments in our lives. We spent most of the evening looking at one of the family's daughters wedding pictures, and then the other daughter had just gotten engaged.

Immediately my thoughts turned to Caleb. It was out of the blue. I didn't know why I'd always go back to him. So many times it just didn't happen. It probably was God Himself keeping it from happening. In fact, so many times I'd prayed about it. Was it right to be with Caleb? And I never felt right about it. Something just wasn't there. It was probably him who wasn't there. After all, as far as I knew it was always one sided. My side. Not his.

But I highly doubted it. No. No way. I knew Caleb. He liked me, and I knew it. He wouldn't say it, but he didn't have to. I knew the times he's skype me in the middle of the night that he wanted to talk to me, and not someone else. I knew the guy. I knew him well.

I vented to Zach on the way home. This sudden obsession of Caleb took me off guard, but it didn't take Zach off guard.

"I KNOW he liked me! And now it's too late! Why the heck did he miss his chance?!" I fumed.

"Yeah I know he liked you. He should have asked you out." Zach replied.

The car might as well have stopped. Because my heart did.

"Wait. He DID?! I'm RIGHT?!"

"Yeah, he mentioned it to me last Spring. He told me how he had liked you a year ago, but didn't want to hurt you, or mess anything up since you guys had such a good friendship. He didn't trust himself, and didn't want to be weird with me since we were rooming together senior year."

"WHAT!!??!" I couldn't believe it. I can't believe I really did know Caleb well enough.

"I think he liked me when he got home from China, too." I told Zach. Basically challenging him with whatever information he had that I didn't.

"Yeah, he probably did."

OH MY GOSH. Zach dropped me off at my apartment, and I was still a little dizzy mentally. Caleb had liked me. I knew it. The little twerp.

Just then, my phone buzzed. A text. From Caleb.

"Shaina, I'm sorry I suck at keeping in touch with you, I'm a lousy friend. It doesn't reflect at all how much I value our friendship. I hope you're doing well."

OH MY GOSH what was happening. Zach must have said something. I was mad. I called Zach, but he said he hadn't talked to Caleb for days.

Caleb's text didn't make sense. We talked just fine. I didn't feel like he never kept in touch with me. We talked a good bit once a week or so. That was fine by me. We were after all, 1000 miles apart.

I didn't know what I wanted from Caleb. I guess I just liked when people owned up to how they felt. I respected the 5 guys (can you even believe that....) that confessed they'd had feelings for me over the summer from the spring before. Five different guys told me they had liked me a few months prior. Whatever was in the water at Greenville apparently was filtered out of Caleb's cup.

I respected the guys who valued me enough to be real with me. They respected me enough to tell me the truth, even when they knew I didn't feel the same.

Caleb never gave me the truth. But according to Zach, Caleb just didn't know what he wanted either, and was never sure enough. Never sure enough that he could protect me from getting hurt. Never sure enough that it was really right.

But you know... I wasn't sure either.

But I knew it was sprouting up in me again. This stupid little thing-for-Caleb that tortured me for years. Even 1000 miles away. Heck it would plague me when he was oceans away in China! What was wrong with me?

I had known clearly it just didn't feel right. So many times. It didn't happen. Something was missing. And I knew it was God's hand. God wasn't allowing it to happen. And I was just wishing I had a guy, probably.

But I was still overjoyed that a few weeks later in September, I'd be going to St. Louis with Zach for Jay and Alex's engagement party. With Caleb.

But I didn't tell Caleb. I figured I'd let Zach tell him. I couldn't seem too eager to see Caleb, after all.