Days fell like leaves off a chilly tree in Fall. Every afternoon he'd go outside and sit on his front porch steps. He'd bring a bundle of flowers out with him, and he'd pull off one petal at a time. Most people pull off the petals of a flower and flip flop between "she loves me" and "she loves me not." But he played that game a little differently. With every petal he pulled he said "I love her." People would drive by his house, and see flower petals cover the steps.
It didn't have anything to do with whether she loved him or loved him not. He remembered her name, and never wavered in his love for her. She didn't even keep up with him. She figured it was easier that way. He knew it was harder. But he didn't argue. He was relentless, but she didn't really notice.
His friends told him to give up. He was hurting himself. He was thrown off balance. He was one of the most balanced people. It was proof this whole thing wasn't worth it. It made him moody. His jealousy over the people who got to spend time with her threw him in helpless spells. The people who knew him best knew he was too good for her. She didn't even remember him. She tried not to. Someone like him... he didn't deserve that. Everyone saw it and knew he shouldn't wait for even the slimmest possibility of a future with that girl. The fact that the chance was slim anyway should have been reason enough to let go.
Every morning, she was first on his mind. He'd talk about her, remembering how she looked when she smiled. How she sounded when she laughed. How good she felt to have under his arm. With only his memories as companions, it's how he lived his days. Everything was in preparation for when she'd come back. He prayed she would. Even the possibility... the mere maybe... kept him so sure his efforts were not in vain. Every petal he pulled in pure patience and pursuit. Every petal he pulled in love.
Every now and then he'd hear how she was doing. He knew that even though she was entertaining ideas of other guys, he was the one she wanted. He knew he was the one she dreamed of. He knew it was only a matter of time. He would not settle for lost hope. He'd be there when she realized it. He'd be there not to say, "I told you so," but "I told you I loved you."
Hmmmm. What a story, huh? I think we've all been through a time in our lives when we hold on to something we should just let go. Everyone around us observes, and gives their professional diagnoses.
"You're just hurting yourself."
"You're not acting like yourself, it's not good for you."
"I care about you. I don't want to see you hurt."
People that know us best. They know when we get thrown off balance. They have wisdom over us, because they know us so well.
Maybe you've gone through a similar situation with a guy or a girl. You wanted that one person so bad. Nothing could stop you form waiting for that one. But then reality sets in. People around you get in your face to say they just can't stand seeing you that way... they're not gonna stand for someone hurting you anymore. You cave... and... it feels good. To be released of such pressure and hopeless pursuit in your heart. You come to peace with the fact that you gave a good fight. You can only feel good that you did try. And now it's time to just go on and live your life. Your life starts to come back together. Your head isn't so fogged up. You can pay attention to other things. The beat of your heart is musical again, not an echo of deafeningly heartbreaking footsteps.
So think of that situation. More than likely, it was a good decision for you to move on. Starting new. Like washing the sleep out of your eyes in the morning so you can see clearly. It was a good decision.
No consider this. We were the people God should have forgotten about. I'll say it more directly... I was the one He should have moved on from. I was the one who threw Him off balance. He's a really balanced Dude people... everyone around can see that I was the one He should have cleansed His morning eyes from. He deserved better. He wouldn't lack a thing without me.
It goes against all reason. It really does. Only in this point in my life have I realized this. I come to the crossroads. I look at the path ahead... it's so long, it's so narrow. I feel the full weight of the loads I carry, and wonder if I should leave some behind. Anything to lighten the weight... I have so far yet to go. And people around me affirm my suspicions. I'm better off a little lighter. They surround me in love. They want me to be happy. They want me to be balanced. Loved in return for love.
So... regardless of any decisions I have to make, I understand the impossible decision He made for me in a way that completely humiliates me. Completely breaks me. Completely overwhelms me. I messed Him up. He even gave up His life. Everyone could see He deserved better than me. I wonder how many times He was told I wasn't worth it. We're such a hideous match... Him and me. It doesn't take a magnifying glass to see it! You could see it from light years away, because He's still visible... and no one would even notice me. Talk about an awkward couple. Gross.
But against all reason. He held out.
Last night I sat at the piano. Room 138, once again. My fingers pressed on keys I'd touched hundreds of times. And really, it wasn't a strike of lightening or anything. But the truth descended on me like something I had always known. It didn't land on me like bricks. It was peaceful. He was what I wanted.
I knew the sayings. I heard the quotes. I sang them myself. Absent minded to the unreachable truth made tangible to our broken hands. God made us for Himself. He made us to desire Him. What we desire here on earth is but a reflection. We're so messed up; we go to Him and say, "God, I want this so bad... " But really, we want Him. Having lived in this world my whole life, I confuse the two. My impatience for earthly dreams to come true blinds me.
And what's hilarious, is we don't even have a chance to be impatient with God... we already have Him.
Imagine walking alone in the middle of a street, below a thick canopy of trees overhead. Every leaf struggling to burst brighter with crispy and perfect vibrancy. And as you're walking through the tunnel of natural shelter, leaves begin to fall. You're caught up in the swirl of color. They keep coming, absolutely bathing you in the fabulous celebration. And each leaf plucked by the fingers of God, as He says, "I love you," and drops it on you.
Receive it. You're the one who messed with His head, who everyone could see deserved so much more... but He never gave up on you. When maybe He should have. But He didn't. So when you're walking outside today, and leaves are falling all around you, remember they're His little game of "I love you" and not "you love me" and "you love me not." With every petal He pulls, every leaf detached... against all reason, means He loves you. Bask in it. And be refreshed. I feel like my whole life is changed, because of such revelations of love from our God. Gosh. I'm stumped. And I love Fall.
Shai... this is so good.
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