Mmmmmm

I should be asleep. In all honesty, I wish I were. I've studied so much this weekend, and finally feel semi-ready for my Music History exam tomorrow at 8 am. I'm just tired. And so much is on my mind. So much more than the origin and evolution of Gregorian chant and the history of polyphony.

Two weeks ago, I was finally able to go to my floor's Bible study. Our Vespers practices are at the same time every week. Slightly frustrating. But oh, the wonder of a small(ish) group of Christians coming together, and sharing, talking about what's going on in our lives, what God is doing, what we feel He's not doing... all in the midst of a study guide we go off of. It was so refreshing. One of the girls, Becky, said something that's stayed with me. She said, "I went to God, and said, 'She's been on my heart, God.'" Talking about a girl she had been praying for. And then she said. "Then I felt like God said to me, 'She was already on mine.'"

Mmmmm. How precious that is. That when we have someone or something on our hearts, it's really probably just something we're just sharing a burden on with God. I'd never thought of it that way. But what truth in that!

So, tonight, I admit to being kind of confused. This isn't exactly a week that I've felt like I know where I'm going and what's going on. This isn't a moment my face is naturally turned towards the sun, and for more reasons than the fact that it's night time. The scarf wrapped around my shoulders is symbolic not only of the fact that I'm a little chilly in this October air, but also of my own sense of feeling like a child wrapped in clothes too big. Silly Shai. Scarves are worn around your neck, not like a sweater over your shoulders.

My prayers tonight are more like the ones that sound like sighs. The "Mmmmmm"'s that come out of a tired, thoughtful, and contemplative spirit. The things that are on my heart, too long to articulate. And in my fatigue of maybe silly things, He comes back to me. "That was on my heart, too."

Because I'm on His heart. Because I'm always on His heart.

So I sit here. On the floor of my square dorm in Tenny Hall. My socked feet stretched out over a blue blanket on the floor. My Bible opened to Psalm 86:11, where it says, "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." My random strands of blondish brown hair wound up in different directions because they're as confused about whether they're waves or curls, as I am about so many things that sail in the torrents of cascading theories in my head.

But I think I'll take my "Mmmmmm"'s to sleep with me, knowing I'm sharing in what's already on His heart. Me. The things I'm thinking about. The things I'm worried about. The doggone exams I have tomorrow. The things yet to do. The things left undone. Me. He shares it all. Mmmmmm.