Peripheral vision

Have you ever just gazed up at the deep glowing blues of the sky after the moon's taken it's place over your head? In the Fall fresh air, breathed in the scent of newness, even though it's really the opposite for the leaves that create a runway for our feet? A taste that's almost eatable. Like you can get full from simply breathing outside. The stars spot the darkness, leaving it anything but. Your eyes move around; you spot the Big Dipper, and search in vain for the Little Dipper. Your vision moves over the flawless space crowding above you, but you stop when you see something in the corner of your eye.

And then you quickly flash your sight backward... and it's gone. You focus your eyes somewhere else, and see it again in the corner. No matter how many times, you can't catch it within your focus... that bundle of stars that's out every night. It's bright. It's beautiful. Why the heck can't you see it when you look exactly for it?



Have you ever seen this guy? He's called Omega Centauri. He's a lot more faint in our night sky than this picture, but he's a star cluster. A cluster of millions of stars held together. I'd go into the whole science of it because I'm just so amazed by it, but I'll save it.

What's hilarious about Omega Centauri, is it's so far away, you can only just barely see it with your naked eye. Every time I go running at night, I will myself to see it more clearly. But I have to focus elsewhere and look at it only through the corner of my vision. It's too far away to see it clearly when I try to focus.

Sometimes I feel like that about God. I try so hard to focus on Him. But sometimes He's just so far away... even though I know He's there. Sometimes I think I see Him out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn around, He's gone.

When I'm on my late night runs, sometimes I feel like I'm running into space. Living among stalks of corn does crazy things to you, and also gives the sky so much more space than the Jersey Pine Barrens do. I've gotten to the point where I've realized if I want to see this faint cluster of stars, I have to be willing to see it through my peripheral vision.

It's so difficult to see Him sometimes. He has to show Himself to us through other things.

So in my peripheral vision, I saw God yesterday. As cliche as it sounds, it was during worship last night at a young adult's service. You'd think I was focusing on God... well, I was trying. But it felt like I was running into space. Every time I looked right where I knew He was, it was like I couldn't find Him. Instead, I was hit by another sight, that I could see and decipher perfectly.

"Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire." Majesty. I've sung this song a million times. I could play it with my eyes closed. But the funny thing is, my focus shifted.

To know that I'm someone's desire. I started flipping through memories like they were pictures in a scrapbook. Emotions took turns in my heart like I was changing my clothes a thousand times in front of the mirror in search of the perfect outfit. Hmmm... to know I'm someone's desire. With that knowledge comes such freedom. Such safety.

I remember times I felt so perfectly wanted, I knew my own returned pursuits would be welcomed and completely accepted. I knew I could move forward, and relax- relish in the fragrance of being wanted.

Since we were young, we've known what it feels like. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships, the thought always crosses our minds, "I don't know if he likes me though..." We reel our pursuit back in if our bait of affection is unreturned. But lo... if we should find the interest is mutual... well hot dog! We love so freely when we know we are loved.

So I kept turning the pages of my thoughts until I caught something in the corner of my eye. I couldn't see it when I tried to focus on it.. or Him rather.

Funny how to get me to see Him, my Lord has to set me up to see Him through focusing on something else.

I hold my love back. From my Jesus. From the one who couldn't get me out of His head every moment He walked on earth. From the One who couldn't stop thinking of me, just couldn't stop thinking about me... to the point my face was in His perfect focus all the way to His death. I use a fishing line with only piece of my heart that can fit on a manmade hook. I toss my line out to Him, when He's been reeling me in before I even came into this world.

It's like He stands there with a sign that screams, "I LOVE you Shaina Joy!" And it's sincere, and genuine. It's not that random dude that is after you that bugs the crap out of you and dreams of the day that he jerkishly says, "I knew you'd fall for me." Lame. No no no... He rejoices over us. The most genuine Lover... He's made it known. He's in love with me. In love with you. And our love is welcome. We can go crazy in love, in the wildest pursuit you could imagine. And no confusion or drama is even possible, because His "love never fails." And He stays "the same through the ages," and His "love never changes." Like the other songs we sang last night.

And so, I saw Him last night in my peripheral vision. I wasn't focusing on Him... I was trying to. So far away... it's so difficult sometimes.

But what Love. It keeps filling my head.

Don't forget that He loves you. And that you can act in the freedom that His love is made known, and not only that... but it won't change. You can chase Him... love Him wildly and recklessly. Relax in the fact that He's not the arrogant "I told you so" kind of no-goods... He's the one who receives your love perfectly, and still has buckets and buckets of love to rain down on you yet.

And all this out of the corner of my eye. On this side of heaven. I can't wait till we get on the flipside!