Peanut butter

And so, I've set the mood. The lights are turned off. All except Monroe, my adorable purple little lamp on my desk. I've turned my tiny red fan on; the one I can't sleep without. My face is washed. I'm ready for bed.

But lately, I've been in serious need to dispense my thoughts somewhere. I am still in a verbal drought. I speak when I need to. I just don't feel like talking too much. So, so much in going on in this crazy-haired head of mine. And I've been journaling like a fool. It feels wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. So refreshing. Completely relieving. And so I've decided I must blog.

Tonight I confessed to my mom I feel I have no wisdom. I feel as though I cannot trust my own sense. Yeah, I've kinda gotten pretty down. Her response was somewhat strange, and actually really right on. She told me I'm just seeing the fragility of my own heart.

I keep remembering the line in How Great the Father's Love for Us. "I will not boast in anything, no gifts no power, no wisdom." I keep thinking to myself, "Well, no issues there, cause I'm feeling a little bit of a void in those areas anyway."

So now, I kinda look at myself, and see the situation. I'm fragile, and frail. And when my weaknesses are clear, I feel no room for strength.

I don't like wondering if this is one of the times in my life I'll look back and say, "Yup. THAT was a hard time." I don't like realizing that it is in fact, a difficult time. I like to think that everything is peachy. Most of the time, I find more than one reason to answer "Everything has been awesome!" to the question, "How've you been?"

But then I look again... I am so frail.

Today I read 1 Timothy 4:2, that says "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage- with great patience and careful instruction."

Hmmm... I guess right now might be an out of season time.

Out of season is an unlucky time. When you bite into an apple that's out of season (I know this so well...) , it's just not the kind of moment you wish you could relive. When I get apples that are out of season, I have to eat them with peanut butter. It's the only way I can get it down. Otherwise, they're sour, and grainy, and just not good.

I feel like the spoon full of life I take everyday has been like an apple out of season. To get it down, I've needed Jesus so much. Anything to help me down the bitter taste of an unlucky time. So yes, I just compared Jesus to peanut butter. But I'm not asking you to judge me. I'm not really asking much of anything. I'm just typing.

So, this is the scene: apple in hand, peanut butter close by. In the end, I'll have been nourished, and full.

And I compare this again to my life. Another spoon full of life, and Jesus close by. In the end, He will not send me away empty, but walk on with me, filled to overflowing.