Know

A year and a half ago, I wrote these lyrics...

"I can't wait to wake up next to you
Surrendered to the music, like we do
And I can't wait to whisper late at night
Touch your hand when I can't tell my left from right
I can't wait to know you
I can't wait to know you"

And now, two days away from my wedding day...

Caleb Arb, I'm so glad it's you.

Bask?

Ok, So now there are only five days until I play the part of the Bride. In fact, I am the bride. I won't be pretending.

I'm going to give myself entirely to the man of my dreams. In front of everyone I know, and maybe I have never even met before.

It's surreal.

Some people ask how I'm doing... and to be honest, I don't even know how to really answer.

I really don't.

I'm really nervous about some things.

I'm really excited about some things.

I'm crazy stressed about some things.

And I'm so happy at the same time.

But I am in desperate need of reminders to just bask in the reality of these next few days.

So this is my two cents for this day. This crazy, nervous, excited, stressed, happy, desperate day.

Today, there is much work to be done. Including my regular work schedule.

I'm not sure if I'll regret that, yet. In some ways, it's keeping me busy. But I must WILL myself to focus. And that, is a very difficult thing for me at the moment.

Prayers appreciated.

One Week

Today... was a day. I'm feeling the edgy nerves like a tiny electrical current running though each vein under my skin that zaps me with a surge every few minutes.

Oh yes. The wedding is one week away. One week, only.

Some may say I'm calm.

In some ways I am.

My fiance could tell you, though, I'm a little less than myself right now.

My mother would insist I'm PMSing.

My sister (the MOH) would say something in between, and then ask to do a hair trial after going to a tanning salon which has admittedly been amazing.

Bee Tee Dubs... she's amazing at hair. And yes, I'm using her for my wedding hair. I went to someone else professional... hated it.

Caleigh took one try to attempt what I was trying to explain once we were home again. One shot, she got it.

Case closed.

My mom is incredible, doing so much for this wedding... I doubt even hers was as amazing as I know mine will be because of her.

Truly. What a shame for my daughters....

They'll probably say, "Why can't Grandma plan our weddings!?"

Just wait. Check out my blog when it comes to planning my own children's weddings. It'll happen.

So tonight, I realize my to-do list fell short today. But the night is young. Maybe a few more check marks are in store before I close my eyes to wink past another anticipatory day.

"Here Comes the Bride" sounds more like a warning than a celebration.... wedding week has begun.

Eight days

Today, 8 days away from my wedding day, my list of things "to-do" is ever growing.

I'm currently in between checking things off my list. To be honest, I even put "blog" on my list so that I don't feel like I'm wasting time not getting other things done.

Today is laundry day, and random emails, and making final decisions on this and that.

Sure, some may say, "Shaina you would NOT be so stressed if you simply had a longer engagement like normal people."

Yeah, to some that might seem truthful. But those who believe that, do not know my family.

Even if I had a year and a half engagement (which to me is torturous. If I said "yes I will be your wife" upon my Beloved's bended knee, it meant I would be his wife that instant. I don't feel like waiting two years), my family would not hop to it until a few months before anyway. It's true. I'm one of eight children. Why prolong the worry that things aren't getting done. Why not just have a 3 and a half month engagement, and let the entire engagement period be a series of getting everything done?

It suits me.

While I do feel like I've never quite been as absent minded and overwhelmed emotionally, mentally and physically in my life, I do feel it is the truth to say I'm enjoying this time.

However, if someone were to ask me if I like being engaged, my answer would be, "No."

And that's because of all the craziness, and stilted anticipation.

If you're confused, let me explain.

Yes, I'm enjoying this time. But only as much as I can. You see, this is such an "in between" stage. Caleb and I are really starting to function as a married couple, but without some crucial married couple elements. We go to bed in two different places.... etc... we're still like a "dating couple," while we still notify each other with every penny we spend, where we are, what we're doing, where we're going...

It's kind of frustrating when we could be waking up in the same bed, and easily telling each other instead of texting hours later since we both have different schedules.

Really, in short, I'm just ready to be his wife. I was months ago.

So, that said... I'm truly excited for our wedding day in 8 days.

And now, for some more details to be noted and considered with full attention.

8 days.

The mirror

Every Thanksgiving, I sat in my chair, across from the giant mirror on the wall at Grandma's house. I'd catch a glance at myself in years past and think to myself, "Who will I sit next to someday? Whose face will I see catching my eye in this mirror?"

I'd dress up every year, and feel a little bit disappointed that no one would particularly appreciate it that much.

Today I was excited for more than the usual amazing Thanksgiving Day feasting, and togetherness. It wasn't great only because I could sleep in a little bit, or that I got to see some family members that live farther away.

No. Today, I finally saw the face I'd waited to see in the mirror.

Caleb complimented me countless times on my clothes, and my hair and my make up.

I was absolutely giddy, awaiting the time to all gather around the table, and take our seats. I took my seat across from that mirror. And so did Caleb.

And I've finally gotten to catch his eye in the reflection, and bask in the fact that I'll see his face there for the rest of our lives.

Nine days.

Ten Days

In ten days, I'll be in my white dress, at a reception, dancing and celebrating with so many friends and family members.

In ten days I'll be wearing a wedding ring.

I have to take so many reality checks throughout the days to remind myself to breathe, and enjoy the moment.

Sometimes I think I do well, and other times I feel like I'm drowning in anxiety and nerves. Stress.

I want everything to be perfect, but I also just don't want things to be complicated. I like simplicity. I like ease.

Weddings were never an easy feat, I realize this. And I confess it's harder, and more work than I'd known.

Days pass so quickly, I feel like I can't really catch my breath. Although, I'll tell you a secret. I'm slightly relieved I'm overwhelmed. I'm glad I'm anxious and in need of resuscitation.

I don't want this rope to slide through my unclenched hands. I want it to burn me, and I want to feel every fiber pass through hands that feel.

I want to experience this time of my life. I don't want to to vanish before I remembered to hold it close.

And so this Thanksgiving Eve, I'm thankful for a heart that feels, despite the events that have transpired in the past. The grievances endured did not breathe easy on me, nor do they on anyone. Tragedy is an everyday occurrence. Making it out another day is nothing less than a miracle some days.

I'm blessed. I'm so thankful. I'm overwhelmed by the Lord's kindness, and His Life when mine is dim and aimless.

One year ago, I was writing a song called, "Say It First." I couldn't eat, I could barely sleep. Texts from Caleb kept me awake at night, past the time he'd already said good-night. I couldn't get him out of my head. And today, not much has changed. Yet, everything has changed.

I... am so, so thankful.

The Wait

Well, well well...

To all my devoted readers... thank you for walking with me through the drum roll of our relationship. From the first time I saw Caleb as he helped my brother move into 3rd West Oak at Greenville College, to the moment Caleb got down on one knee, to now, 11 days before we say "I do."

Remembering who Caleb and I were years ago, to now, is what has helped prepare me for what is about to happen.

Living through each part of our story, before we came together, is what has made the wait a time of basking in what God has done.

Sometimes I stare at Caleb from across the room, and get all teared up when I realizing those flutters in my tummy I had for him in the library were for the same man that now makes my heart absolutely melt.

When I remember the thoughts that roamed through my lovey dovey head at Vespers.... and now when I hold Caleb's hand when we sit in church together, I am overwhelmed.

God is faithful. And I am grateful. And ever shall be.

I get to marry my best friend in 11 days. I can't believe I get to live a miracle. I get to wear white for the man I waited for.

The man I loved for so long. The man I loved before I even knew I really did.

The man who I knew I wanted to marry, but didn't really know why.

I'm going to marry him!

I'm getting married!!!