Begun

My goal for this year was to try to write more blogs than I had been. I eventually surrendered to the fact that this is just a season in my life where my writing habits fluctuate. It's weird for me, to be sure.

I am done the school year. Last week was tough, and I would not like to experience it again, though it was precious, as well.

This week I look forward to so many things: TONS of Evelia practices. I'm excited though.

We're playing at Creation in a week and a half. That's slightly frightening.

But extremely exciting.

I am rounding up a lot of loose ends before I go to St. Louis for a mini vacation with Caleb and his family. I cannot wait. I feel like I'm just holding my breath waiting to see him again... Gosh I miss that man.

Many a thing happening this week. The adventure of Summer 2012 has begun. Let it be.

Last

As I sit here at my desk... wearing the same green sweater I wore on the first day of school, I am kind of still. Today is not the first day, but the last day of school.

I am overwhelmed.

I am. I cannot help but recall the motions I went through this time last year, and remembering a million memories and moments of this past school year all at once. All at the same exact moment. I am overwhelmed.

The school is abuzz with mommys and children running around. Happy hellos and sometimes tearful hugs.

This day is absurd.

It is completely bizarre and I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it.

What gets me most, what is causing this day to be even more emotional, and monumental is the fact that I will not be teaching as a teacher next year.

This year  taught second grade, and next year I am only teaching Latin and music lessons and doing private tutoring.

In addition to the changes I anticipate in the next year, this is another change tossed into the mix.

So this last day of school is indeed an ending of sorts.

Caleb schemed with my mom and grandma and wrote a letter and sent it to my mom. My grandma placed the letter and an apple upon Caleb's request on my desk for this morning.

That's what started my teary-eyed vision.

I've never been so encouraged by someone. Caleb is my hero.

I am speechless today, for so many reasons.

Kill

Come on. It kills me. He is flawless. If cuteness could kill... I am dead.

Long

You know what it amazing? Being with Caleb.

You know what is unbearable, and gets worse and not better with practice?

Leaving him.

The distance is long.

That's all I got.

The 2nd chronicle

The count down doth continue.

One week and I am a free bird. I still have an in service day next Friday, but I hardly count that as work. It doesn't even start till 9. I get to sleep in!

I am getting exceptionally excited for this weekend. My friends Shannon and Andrew are getting married. I like to say that I had a part in their love story... but I'll just say I am extremely excited that they're tying the knot this Sunday in Greenville!

I am singing for the wedding and I am so excited.

I get to see so many of my Greenville friends, too! Lots of people I haven't seen since graduation. I am so happy about it. I hadn't really thought about how amazing it's going to be until this morning really. Now that it's so close. I've had things on my mind to be accomplished beforehand this whole week, so I haven't really gotten past that.

I still have 2 loaded days ahead. I leave with Zach Saturday morning to St. Louis.

And yes. I get to be with my man. Gosh I miss Caleb. All the time. I hate long distance right now.

I just love him, and I hate spending life moments on things he can't be a part of.

And so this Summer has quickly become another chronicle of trusting the Lord for knowing the good plans He has.

The summer hasn't even started, but this I know.

Let the games begin. Or continue. Whichever. Let it be.

Next

Of course I am reflective.

I cannot refrain from experiencing last year anew, in light of today. In light of what I know, now.

I keep thinking back to last year, and experiencing it with the hope of what has happened despite so much uncertainty.

I know I'll do the same next June.

I'll think back to right now, and think, "Ahhh, those days were precious," because I'll see the outcome.

That's how God must feel, a little bit.

Knowing so fully the plans He has, and knowing so fully the outcome.

If only I'd feel his prodding, His constant reassurance. His grace, his mercy, his love in every moment.

I keep getting discouraged in so many ways, and essentially doubting His ability to carry me.

What does that even mean? For God to carry me... what does that entail? Surely I must do something...

I am confused.

I feel like life is like this: walking along mindlessly, and somehow getting pranked with a barrel of water getting poured on you from an above window.

Now, you are drenched. Great.

Now, I am drenched, and I don't really know what it's like to be dry. And relating to the Lord is like trying to recall dry, warm comfort, when I'm cold, and soaking wet.

Society tells me to "do." And quite frankly, I'm good at that. I like being in control. I like accomplishing. I like doing things for myself.

But when Jesus tells me to rest, and let Him take over everything...  I am confused.

Here in my life now, I stumble upon another, a new "what next" time.

I guess that question isn't mine to answer. But I'll get a good view of the answer.

Life never gets old. No matter how much I learn, I'll never experience tomorrow before today.

Teach me

It is true that one never stops learning.

Learning takes humility. It takes a subconscious, "Yes, it's true, I did not know that until now," type of permission.

When people I love teach me something new about myself that I don't like... it's even harder. Especially if I did know it, and it's just brought to my attention.

When we choose friends, it is so incredibly important that we choose friends who are uplifting, and who have the ability to see through lenses of love.

Otherwise when they "teach" you something... they're doing it to fulfill themselves, and not to better you.

I'm very blessed. I've got some good people in my life.

And now the count down till the end of the school year continues! I can hardly come to grasp this fact, that the end is in nine days.