Two different pairs of arms

Tonight after playing for worship for the youth group at my church, I went upstairs and sat in my mom's Bible study. She's going through questions that moms should ask their daughters, and conversations moms should have with their daughters. Every week my mom discusses with me and Zach and Caleigh the things her group talks about. It's always pretty interesting, but this week especially really got me thinking. In fact, a few nights ago, my mom talked to Bi and I about this most recent chapter a good deal, and it got her and I talking a bit about some things too.

The chapter was about how it's ok to desire marriage and a family as a young girl, and as a woman. People give mixed messages about this subject. Some people don't even care, because they're not the type to even really dream about walking down an aisle, or carrying around a baby. I, on the other hand, have always been like that. Relationships have always intrigued me. Marriage is always a thought that crosses my mind. It's a terrible aching when I see a mother with a newborn. I feel as though for some reason, that infant should be in my arms regardless of who birthed him. I crave holding babies. I can't wait to be a mom. I can't wait to be a wife. I can't wait for all of that stuff. It's just the kind of person I am.

Or is it? Could it be that it is a desire and dream that God placed in my heart? Something He penned into His formula for Shaina Joy? I think it is. I think God knew what He was doing in me when He began to move in me the desire to be a wife and a mother. I've recently started to just allow myself the peace that God is only understanding me perfectly about this aching desire in me.... let me explain.

I get really frustrated with myself that I am wired the way I am. Culture says finish college, start your life-long occupation, save up, and then maybe start looking for a spouse. Society breathes down our necks to get our lives completely in tact before we even begin thinking about any committed relationship. I noticed through my own written prayers in my journals, that I started buying into what culture has defined as a standard... basically, I felt guilty before God bringing Him my heart. I felt ashamed at times. I would so often feel the need to ask God to change my heart.

It's all good and well to ask God for strength and peace and all of that good stuff... but why have I allowed myself to basically apologize for possessing the dreams He placed in me Himself?

Let me clarify a little bit. I am by no means saying it is ok to obsess about this kind of stuff. I'm one of those people who has grown up with lessons on guarding my heart above everything, and wearing purity as a headband and heartband at all times. So as I continue, keep that in mind. Interpret my words if you can, with this as a foundation.

I keep learning over and over not to come before the Lord apologizing for pieces of who I am. I'm learning not to feel bad about personality traits, hopes, thoughts and desires. Instead, I keep feeling Him say to me over and over that I am understood. In His presence I am understood far more than I ever have been by any other person. He has crafted me. He has authored the workings of His creations. What does it take for me to realize this?! I don't need to try to explain... I don't need to beat around the bush when I'm bringing something to Him. Goodness, I wish I could stand before myself and slap my face, yank my hair, and look into my own eyes and say, "Just go as you are!!"

So basically, this chapter my mom was going through with her group was on how culture has reshaped what is acceptable for us as young people to desire. I am such a people pleaser. When someone says, "Shai, relax! Enjoy yourself! Slow down, and just relax." I feel energized and encouraged to do just that. And culture says the same things to me everyday about many dreams I have in my heart. And really... that's ridiculous that I should let my dreams shift because they're not always the norm for a lot of people.

Anyway, my conclusion is that I've come to the point that i'm not going to come to God apologetically about the things He cares deeply for me about. Instead, these hopes and desires are things I can bring to Him knowing I'm fully understood. Things I can lay before Him with a light heart, and not a heavy one.

I think this kind of goes for anything we desire... no matter what it is. I think as Christians we often have the tendency to feel like we shouldn't be happy. For example, if our desires are being fulfilled, we almost question if it's "right." Why, oh why do we do this? Couldn't it be that sometimes we are showered in blessings from our Father? Of course there are times we struggle and wrestle with our own humanity and human hearts.... but there are overwhelming blessings we are showered with everyday.

My point is this: God has written His name upon our hearts. He has authored so many things in us that He rejoices in Himself. And He rejoices when we rejoice in thankfulness. How much of a difference would there be in our relationships with God if we constantly enter into His presence knowing we are understood? I think a lot of things would change.

God has very different arms than culture. His are constantly open. Culture's arms are usually crossed, spectating every motion we make. We're so used to having to explain ourselves to the Crossed Arms, that when we come to the Open Arms, we stand before them explaining ourselves instead of running into them. Blah!