Dictator

I have recently finished a study on Galatians with one of my friends. I am stunned to see how little I actually knew about the gospel of Christ.

When I look at the "christian arguments" going around, I'm finding myself very sympathetic to the pain of confusion. I have been that author, angry and hurting. I've been that person who was so frustrated at how "Christian doctrines" can be so hurtful.

But this is where the problem is. Where there are Christians, there is sin.

We will never ever be on the other side of sin as long as we are on this Earth in our sinful nature.

We will always observe "rules" and "laws" with favor. We like things we can understand. Thinks we relate to.

The gospel is something so entirely other worldly, no wonder we try to make it practical in unbiblical ways.

The Law could not be fulfilled. If it could, we wouldn't have needed the blood of a spotless lamb, in order for the wrath of God to "pass over" us.

Yet even as all is right between us and God because of Jesus, we still like to validate ourselves with viewing "laws" as our contribution.

The Truth of the Bible is the Gospel plus NOTHING.

We have nothing to offer.

Our obedience to God should come naturally, but it doesn't change anything about how God is already satisfied with us.

When we think of purity... we think of a long to-do list of what we have to accomplish. We add a yoke that is so oppressive, so hideously unbearable. No wonder so many articles keep coming out about the damage of "purity." But this is not the damage of purity. It is the damage of adding sinful humans to an already perfect, spotless Gospel that is already completed.

When we make purity a "law" we uphold the idea of adding to what Christ has already done. We completely, and terribly miss the point.

We have nothing to offer Christ. If we did, we would be saved by works of righteousness, not saved by Grace through Faith. But we forget, that our righteousness is yet still as filthy rags.  Even our best attempts at holiness fail miserably.

As Galatians 2:21 says, " I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

Acknowledging our own helplessness is the first thing we have to swallow when we start to think about the narrow path a Christian walks. It's not up to us to achieve God's good gifts. It's about God.

But then we think about how we're still sinful. So now what... we're just doomed, then.

Except we're not! As Romans 6:1-2 says, "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"

And Romans 6:14, "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace."

This also means the consequences of sin is not our master either. Christ already obliged to this master, and He was victorious over it. This means we do not need to suffer the helplessness that sin inevitably brings. We can still find joy in the midst of our sinful hearts, in the assurance that God not only tolerates  us, but loves us to death. Literally.

And Galatians 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand form, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Ok, a few things now.

1. These verses imply we have an option to continue sinning and living a life that is unworthy of the name Christ. Christians.
2. We were slaves to sin, because we were literally unable to be set free from the sinful nature we cannot escape. We had nothing to offer, that's why we needed Christ. Even after Christ, though, we still have nothing to offer. The only thing we gained is Christ. So we can't offer Christ to Himself... He IS Christ. We still have nothing to offer.
3. Now we are under grace. Like God viewing us through lenses of grace, rather than seeing us for who and what we are (nothing). He instead sees Christ. He instead sees the blood of a spotless Lamb and his wrath passes over us. Now we live without the unbearable burden to justify ourselves, which was completely impossible in every way, anyway. Our purpose of sin was to gain something. But now we have everything. Our reason to sin is now invalid and pointless.
4. As Galatians 5 implies, we CAN allow ourselves the burden of what life would be like without Jesus. We can live life with the pressures to do everything right, to do everything we need to do to validate ourselves and our worth and to show that we are worthy of Christ.

There are problems, here, friends.

We cannot nor ever will be able to validate ourselves and make ourselves worthy of Jesus.

When we can see this as truth, and allow the relief to set in, we can see how much easier it is to follow Christ.

We are free from the burden of legalism that insists we are still, in fact, slaves. If we mess up, we're done.

However, the Cross suggests otherwise. We mess up, we're free to stand back up and walk again because of Christ already taking the shame. Sin does not dictate what we do. If we sin, we're not slaves to Mr. Sin what would tell us, "Sit back down. You're not worthy." Instead we are slaves to the Lord who says, "Stand up. You are victorious because I am victorious."

We are free to enjoy the world and the good things God gives us, because we no longer need the world. We are pardoned.

Um, wow.

I'm sick of the "purity damaged me." Get it right. Sin damaged you. Now get back up, and stop letting sinful human nature dictate how you receive Truth.

One

I must be honest, I need to be writing more. Writing does something for me. The Lord wove the need to write deeply within my veins... and I must abide. My husband reminded me that I love to blog. He's a keeper.

I've been toying with so many thoughts about being contained in an earthly body. It literally boggles my mind when I try to imagine what it'd be like to be free. My earthliness, my humanity, feels like a ball and chain. I can't escape from feeling pain, from feeling heartache, and disappointment. And it hurts-- another experience I cannot get away from.

While some may read this and feel alarmed and worry if I should be on suicide watch, have no fear. That's the farthest thing from my mind. I've merely struck a new chord, a new sound I never heard.

We are all so contained.

I struggle sometimes to see how this is a good thing. How our bodies are still His craftsmanship. How our humanity is still capable of holiness to the Lord.

We're subject to suffering in our humanity. We forget things. We burn our fingers while cooking dinner. We cry when we're overwhelmed. We hear words that pierce deeper than a sword. We slip and fall on black ice. Ugh... we are soooo human. To wuote that insurance commercial, It's really "Amazing we've made it this far."

I've been reminded this week of the quote "Desiderio Domini," which means "I dearly long to be with my Lord." It's supposedly a quote from Peter after Jesus ascended back into heaven. Peter would cry often, and when asked a reason for his tears, he would resond, "Desiderio Domini."

His heart would ache to escape this earthly bondage. Oh, to be with the Lord...

Now, I have never walked beside Jesus, of course. But I, at times, feel the same desperation. Ugh, to be with the Lord, out of this world. I wouldn't have to deal with the uncertainty, the frustration, the confusion, the fatigue... how deeply I long to be away with the Lord.

I fail to remember the beauty of the life that we have in our earthly costumes. We play the characters of the Forgiven, and the Saved, and the Loved. A Divine scene that could never be memorized and reduplicated. While I long for the curtain to close, to have a final bow, I am astounded at the truth... this earthly garment of life is a gift. The suffering we endure, be it forgetfulness, or confusion, or physical or emotional pain, is not a curse. It is a reminder of the promise that we are ever to depend on the Lord. He is WITH us. Just because he is no longer a child in a manger does not mean he is no longer Emmanuel. He is WITH us. In this human confinement, we are free even now in Him.

It brings me to tears... He knit me together in my mother's womb, knowing full well the difficulty that would come with the world. He knew what he would present to me... the challenges life entails. But He also had a promise already in place for me. There would be a day, where there is no more tears, or sorrow... no more forgetting silly things. No more tiredness.

And in this earthly body, I can taste the sweetness of a coconut (my favorite thing), and the refreshment of water after an intense workout. I can feel how wonderful it feels to have a hot shower when I've been out all day in sub zero temperatures. I can laugh and feel revived when I hear my husband's goofy jokes. I can smile and look into the mirror and know full well, that while I am in this human body, I am made in His image, and I am fearfully and wonderfully His.

I feel the separation sometimes... my spirit is confined within my flesh.

But there's more. And here's where I lose it...

In Christ, there is no separation. There is no bondage. There is no distance. I am ONE with the Spirit of the living God... even here, while I am on earth.

And that makes this delicate dance of hating my humanity, and loving my Maker and all He's made.... possible.

Half

Tomorrow is our first Half Marathon!!! We've trained for five months, people. We're up to 18.4 miles in training, so this 13.1 shouldn't be the death of us.

I am so crazy excited to experience a race, finally. We're obviously not trying to win the race. We just want to finish and finish strong.

Caleb would run this run, except for the fact that his flight for Atlanta for work leaves right after the race is over. So we'll get a few sweaty goodbyes before he takes his fancy business man self on the road to the airport. We agreed that even though he's more than trained to run this Half, he'll skip this one and run the Philly Half in November on the day of the Full Marathon.

I am psyched.

My massive green smoothie is still surging through my body from two hours ago. I've been cleaning my house like a machine just to get some energy out.

My first Half Marathon is tomorrow!!!!!!!

Mini adults

I adore being a teacher. I started much more of my schedule for the year this week... and I'm really loving it. I feel like I'm already in the groove. A week ago I felt like the walking dead getting ready with lesson plans and schedules. This week I feel much more normal.

You can tell how much clearer my head is by my kitchen table. The past few weeks the table has been covered in books, papers, folders and highlighters. This week, it's not spotless, but it's significantly cleaner.

I've heard quite a few hilarious quotes from my students already. Oh yes, it's going to be a good year.

As a little 5-year-old boy was talking to me yesterday answering a question, I started to see him a little differently. Children are so candid. They are so themselves. I can see their personalities without any inhibitions. They are who they are.  We learn to hide and second guess who we are the older we get. Someone might meet me and think I'm so much different than what I actually am. I can fake it. I can be loud. I can be quiet. I can be sarcastic. I can be so many different things.

I can melt into my surroundings so I don't look different than the people around me.

But a kindergarten class... it's all sorts of colors. Not many 5-year-olds have learned to be anything else but who they are, yet.

I wish it could stay that way.

I started to think of what my husband would have been like at 5-years old. Ohhh he must have been so darn cute. I think that I'd see a lot of characteristics I see in him, now. I know him best. I'm his wife. But I wonder what things wouldn't be present yet in a 5-year-old version of the man I know so well. I wonder what kind of people these children will become.

I'm loving these miniature adults I teach everyday. They're so innocent. It's refreshing. It's a blessing. It's so much fun.

New year

As school has finally started back up again, I find myself really just taking it all in. I feel like I've been much more of a quiet observer of my students.

I feel content.

I feel at peace. I think this year I have some what of a grip on life, and where I am, and that God is present.

And I'm happy.

So as the school year takes off, I'm excited for Fall, and thankful for the summer I had. I'm excited about the cool weather, and grateful for the warmth of July. I'm thrilled to get my boots and scarves and sweaters back out, but I'll keep my bathing suit out just in case;)

I'm looking forward to this year. It's going to be different. And I'm excited about that.

Know fun

Something that's been quite a development for me in 2013, is running. After I had mono, I couldn't work out for 8 months without spleen pain. It was obnoxious. If anything, I'd have to keep any physical activity to a very low minimum.

Come May, I was feeling zero pain, and true to my obsessive self, I wanted a goal.

But not just any goal, my friends.

My best friend, Bi, and I have called working out "training" for a number of years. Why? Well, we had goals, but they never really ever worked out.

But this year. This would be the year. We decided to train for a half marathon. We didn't know if we'd really be able to do it, so we didn't register right away. But then we did. We were actually doing well with our training schedule, and we decided to go for it.

The difference between our first few "long runs" in May to now... unbelievable.

We were dying after a 33 minute run in MAY.

So, our Half is in a few weeks! September 29th, in Ocean City, NJ. We're so pumped. And also not scared... because....

We're training for a marathon now.

We're up to 16 miles with a great pace, and zero injuries. Tiny ones, but nothing that could stop us.

Allow me to share with you our experience running our first 16 miler.

We left around 9:30am on Labor Day. We figured we'd be somewhere around 3 hours for the whole run. We had 3 energy gels tucked into sports bras (Bad idea. Lesson learned.), and our water bottles filled. We started a trend of walking every so often to lessen the constant impact of the pavement for hours. It was going well.

The clouds promised rain, but the forecast said it shouldn't come just yet. Nonetheless, after five miles, we started to feel some sprinkling. We had just made it to my sisters apartment (my old one by my grandma's) to refill our water bottles. We decided, "let's just run in the rain!"

No, this was TORRENTIAL. We could hardly see in front of us. The rain drops were like icy bullets, soaking us layers deep.

Thunder pounded like a child dropping all the cookie sheets in the kitchen. Our new running shoes were housing mini oceans. Our headbands were doing a poor job keeping our faces dry.

Lightening. Yeah, we could see it now. It was that dark.

We thought about stopping a few times, but decided we'd run to my parent's, only a few miles away. We got there, and it was still buckets of rain. We were drenched to the point where we would have taken hours to completely dry even if we were inside.

I called Caleb, who was about to drive around to find us. He had our route from Map My Run, and was about to head out for us. Bi and I were distressed to say the least. We felt great. We were dying to keep running. The psychological adrenaline that empowers a runner after days of premeditation is not something easily dismissed.

Caleb was unsure, understandably. It was a mess outside. He gave us his blessing if it were to calm down out there.

Bi and I stood in the doorway of my parents dripping wet, and we decided we'd wait ten minutes to see if the thundering and lightening stopped. It did. We left.

We completed the next seven miles of our 16 mile run.

We ran in the rain the entire rest of the way, even if it was just sprinkling. We gained so much perspective after learning the troubles of running in a thunder storm... we feel like we can officially call ourselves, "runners," since we put up such a fight to accomplish our goal.

Bi gave me a little gift to celebrate our 16 miler. It was a shirt that said, "Know sweat, know fun." Indeed, my little bumble Bi. Indeed.

And so, we aim for an 18 miler in 2 weeks. We'll see how it goes... ;)

I'm still alive....

Alright. Now that it's been nine months, and I've failed at starting two other blogs with my married name, I think it's time I just continue to blog on this old account. Why mess with the system.

I miss writing. I miss blogging. And even though you old readers may have forgotten about me in my extended absence, that's ok.

I'm back. You'll hear from me soon.