Nocturnal

I can't sleep. Im sick. And I slept all day.

So what am I doing? Well... I'm stalking Blakeley's blog. And something she said was so legit. "I'm in God's shirt pocket. Be still."

Ohhhh my. Life gets hard.

You know what's cool? I just decided to take moment to talk to God a little before trying to sleep again... and when I write (i usually just write to Him, cause my mind wanders...) He always speaks to me when I'm attentive. And it's so cool that He never sleeps. And just like we're to pray without ceasing (which is a two way ordeal) God is willing and ready to communicate to us without ceasing.

I tend to write to God very poetically. I like to overdo it in my own words, because I can't overdo anything with God. He gets me. And I love that. What a rest in that... unlike my bed tonight...

But I was writing about how it's hard to trust Him sometimes. It is. I know I forget things He's done and His faithfulness... it's lame but I'm so human and my cup is so shallow that for Him to let my cup "runeth over" it really doesn't take much. Sometimes I think that what "overflows" from God is the stuff I forget and it gets lost cause I'm too shallow a cup to retain... sorry I'm tired and severely wishing I were asleep, but God impressed something on my heart and I should write about it before I think this whole foggy night was a dream when I wake in the morn.

So, God is my Love, my Life, and my Light. I've been thinking about that. He is everything I mistake a guy for. You know. What I dream of in a guy, is really just exactly what God is, just on the surface. He is the Love I've dreamed of wearing a white dress for. The best is, He made my heart perfectly white, and I get to wear that for all of eternity. Not just one day.

He is my Life. He is the vitality that runs through me, aside from any humanly perceivable evidence of strength. My faith and the truth of God's love and character are not based on how awake and revived I feel on a given day. He is Life, regardless of how much of it you can detect in my eyes.

And He is my Light. This is something really cool God put in my heart when I was writing. He is my light, even when I close my eyes.

I think I close my eyes a lot. Because I am in the dark so often.

Yet I know full well I am out of darkness, out of hiding, out of shame, and justified.

Yet, though there is Light, I close my eyes sometimes.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

So when my eyes are close, for whatever reason... heartache, headache, confusion, disappointment, "the closing of the eyes when I cannot bear what's outside"...

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

My faith is perfected by Jesus...

So even if my eyes are closed, He is in my heart and in my head if I let Him dwell in the inner most parts of my being. That even in times I close my eyes, my faith is strong because my eyes are fixed on Him.

I know this is tightly spun and confusing... it's almost 5 am... I know I've slept a little tonight but not as much as I need.

But I love that God is awake at all hours, and tells me things, even when I wish I were asleep.

So while my eyes are closed in slumber, He remains my Light, this night.

Good night.

Whatcha see is whatcha get

I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom. I have one lamp on, and my toes are cold. My bangs are pinned back, as is the custom after I get home after a long day. I just printed out all the Latin pages I'm assigning my students tomorrow. I wish I were at Greenville for Homecoming. I've been planning on going for months. Yet, things just happen. What can ya do...

I don't think I've really written a thoughtful blog for a while. Which is weird. I guess sometimes I forget to be the dreamy lost in my thoughts type of person when my thoughts become the things that I have to say out loud when I'm standing in front of a dry erase board with a blue marker in my hands.

But really, I have been thoughtful. Too thoughtful, really. I've almost finished another journal that I started August 28th. Yeah... we've been through this before. I write all the time. If I don't blog, it only means it's coming forth in fruitful amounts elsewhere.

No exceptions this time.

I'm gonna make some peppermint tea, and wash my face. Then head to bed. I'll be glad for it in the morning. I won't miss anything tonight... I'm just glad to relax. Seriously... and tomorrow I have a photo shoot with Zach and Caleigh for music... I don't much like pictures. I never do. I actually can't stand them. I feel so weird. But oh such is life.

I should have planned better with my hair maybe. Oh gosh, I just am not good at this stuff. I'm a whatcha see is whatcha get type of person... so if the pictures come out that way, I shouldn't complain, right?

Ok. Yeah. Too thoughtful. I'm just gonna get the hot water going. Bone nuit!

From the mouths of babes

Wee babes to be exact. Some of these kids are but 5 years old. My students... gosh. If you wanna stay young (not that I have much to worry about...) just work with kids. They are HILARIOUS. I've never worked with this many every single day quite like I do now.

So here are some quotes. Seriously, this is just so funny. I started keeping a little notebook of just my kids' quotes.

1. "Are you wearing a cowgirl costume?" I had my hair down... whoops.

2. "You shouldn't wear mascara because it makes you look punky." He sounded so pained as he told me. So I took his advice and didn't wear it today.

3. "Ms. Williams..." very pained and concerned sounding... "I feel... I feel... weird." "Weird? Do you feel sick?" "No, I just feel weird!" That conversation got nowhere, and he just turned back to his seat work and finished it and never said anything else. Ok then.

4. (Today) "Does my hair make me look like a cowgirl today?" I wore it down again... "No." He told me confidently. "But it does look like you just got out of a pool." Hey. We all have to start somewhere.

Two of my boys told me they're clothes designers today. So they made me some sketches of some dresses they think I'd look nice in. Haha, seriously... I'm having so much fun.

I want both

So I have a jolly good time with my students. I teach a lot of people. I teach piano and voice lessons in addition to 2nd grade.

So, lately, God has honestly been so real to me. I mean, sometimes I definitely pull that, "I feel far from God" stuff, and I'm not lying... sometimes I really am. But recently, I don't know what's in my drink, but I keep finding Him speaking to me in ways that make me laugh. I'm not always looking for it, but He's made me very keenly aware of Himself.

Today I was teaching my last voice student. A little boy. And He was so impatient. He kept saying, "Are we done!?" And that's not a happy thing for the teacher. It's just like, "Just tell me you hate me, and I'll let you go. Forget about imparting my passion on your young soul." Haha, no but for real. It's not what teachers like to hear.

So I asked him, "You want to watch the movie right?" The kids down the hall at the school were watching a movie in the After Care program.

"Yes! And I want to watch it!" He told me. His eyes were pleading with me. "They're all out there, and they're having fun without me!"

"But you're in here having fun without them!" I told him with a smile. Trying to use his own logic against him.

"But I want both!" He told me, displeased with the situation.

You probably see where I'm going with this.

Alas, The Lord uses a child to get my attention.

So often are we-- am I-- displeased with my situations. My circumstances. So often I voice my student's same complaint. "They're over there having fun and I'm over here having fun, and I want both and I'm mad about it and I'm gonna complain the whole time I'm over here while they're over there to the point that while I'm over here having fun I'm not having fun at all."

Yes. That was a run-on. And that's exactly how it sounds.

So Jesus tapped me on the shoulder while I listened to this young child today. Like He was looking at me and giving me a look that said, "Hah... you have more in common with this kid than ya thought, huh?"

Yes. I could relate. So while I'm over here in this place in life so much different than many of my friends, I'm gonna enjoy it. Not on my own, but with the One who stalks me like the moon stalks the sun. Ahhhh my Jesus is so sweet. So good to me.

While I say to God, "I want both!" more and more He's showing me I have it all in Him. Every desire and dream I have is a reflection of my innate desire for Him. I want both, and have it all.

Lessons I've learned from wee babes

Today, these were the priceless things I learned from my students today:


1. I don't know how to have fun because I have never watched Dragon Ball Z (or however you spell that title)

2. I'm too serious because I watch less than 4 hours of tv a day (they were stuck on tv today I guess)

3. (while student wouldn't stop playing the piano when I was trying to play for him for a voice lesson) "I love you Ms. Williams, but I love the piano too." "Nuff said.

4. My earrings are real zebras (not sure how that came about, but I said it was true anyway).

5. I looked pretty yesterday. Told to me today.

6. I should go home to watch Sponegbob. (seriously, they all want me to watch more tv)

7. I should be a Lady Bug for Halloween.

8. Now they think I'm 11. At least it's better than them thinking I'm 40.

Spent

Maybe I'll make a come back at this month's number of blogs... I can't believe it was only 4 last month...

Ok! So my small group is going through Drawing Near by John Bevere. Amazing book. Read it.

And I realized I could relate to how John writes. God speaks to him when he writes, and sometimes God gives him funny little things here and there out of nowhere. God gave me a creative mind. He relates Himself to me in weird ways sometimes.

I intend to share the things God shares with me. I fully believe no word from God is to be hidden under a bush. It's all for the good of the Body.

So as I was having my quiet time tonight, I had a vision. I know, some people don't pay attention to that stuff and think it's over rated and stuff. Shame on us for thinking that. God still speaks in ways we don't expect or even honor or appreciate. As a side note, I need to be more open to God speaking to me in ways that I'm a little critical of.

Anyway, I had a vision, that Jesus turned my face towards Himself, and then got down on one knee and held my hands in His. Like He was proposing to me. But instead, the words He laid on my heart were not "be my wife" but these...

"Let me spend my life with you! Let me spend my life ON you!"

My gosh... it was not just an invitation to spend MY life with HIM, but for Him to spend HIS with ME.

To spend it not only with me, but ON me. That means all His efforts and vitality used on my behalf.

Do you get this!? This is real... God esteems us as more important than himself. That's something we've been reading in Drawing Near. How God would never ask us to do something that He doesn't already practice Himself.

He demonstrates what He asks of us to do.

We respond having first seen the model of what to do.

He asks to spend His life on me.

And now I should know how to spend my life on Him.

He is immeasurable. Unsurmountable. No pennies that my 2nd graders can add up could begin to show His worth. The worth of His life is what is merely REFLECTED in us.... like I blogged yesterday... the whole reflection thing God's been speaking to me.

So He is overflowing with worth. To the point we grasp at the overflow and reflect Him in our own lives.

Yet the immeasurable wealth of His being... He chooses to spend on us.

That is something I can't keep to myself tonight. Another night I should be asleep... long day tomorrow...

I want to be able to come to God every day before I go to bed and be able to say with a pure heart to God, "I'm spent."

On Him.

Reflections lost at sea

September 2011 is officially the month I blogged least since I started this blog nearly two years ago.

That said, let's get going on October.

So I'm studying James right now. And I decided I'd go through it with a few different translations, and also with a friend, Lesa. It's been very cool. She is sooo mway fab!

So I've read a little bit in The Message translation. I know it's controversial to use The Message, but I think it's just like hearing someone preach on a passage in scripture. It's a little different, and not word for word, but interesting and adds perspective. I know Greek. I could not accept The Message as the Bible. Anyway, it actually really struck a chord in me.

James 1:7-8 says "Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who 'worry their prayers' are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all of your options open. "

Dang. It.

Ok, so you know what? I keep my options open. In several areas of life.I doubt. Doubting isn't just about God's existence, but His character. When I say, "Yes! That was a Godthing! Thanks God!" but when something else comes along that dazzles my fancy, I'm suddenly right there. Suddenly the "Godthing" becomes a "thanks for holding me over before I decide to get what I want" aka "Not God." aka "my plans."

This is so skewed.

God spoke something to my heart today. When I write, God speaks to me. He inspires me. He write words through my own hands, and causes me to understand.

I live on a lake. It's really pretty, and really reflective. The water reflects to trees, and the houses, and the clouds, and most powerfully, the sun. Sometimes the sun is soooo brightly reflected it hurts my eyes. I'm captivated by the image. The reflection. It's beautiful!

So now... how much more powerful is what is actually REFLECTED?! The sun. I can hardly look into the few feet of reflection in the water. How much more can I NOT bear the entire sun in it's enormity and insane hotness?

So many gifts and blessings God gives are mere reflections. Relationships and friendships model a reflection. They are not the "real thing." They reflect. They only give a glimpse.

A reflection of a glass of water will never satisfy a thirst.

A reflection of a bed with brilliant white puffy pillows will never make me feel revived and rested.

God is the Light. Powerful enough and strong enough to be reflected from far far away, and even in the midst of darkness. In DARKNESS. God chooses to let us be a reflection of Him, when we have nothing to hold the reflection. Think about that... we were lost in darkness. Darkness cannot contain light. It cannot reflect light. yet against all reason, God made a way to allow us to be a reflection of Him.

But that is all... we are a reflection. Reflections point to the real thing. They have to be facing the real thing. And they are only faint in comparison.

So... that's my two cents. When I keep my "options open" like a wind blown wave, it becomes obvious that I'm trusting reflections to keep me satisfied, rested and revived... no good.