Guess what

I'm getting a tattoo.

It's funny, because I guess I forgot (?) to tell a lot of people. Next time you see me, I may or may not have a tat on my hand.

I'll tell much more about it once I can post a picture of the completed result.

Right now, I'll just say this. Worry not my dears. I would not brand myself with words or anything really, if it were not for a really personal and meaningful reason.

I want to glorify God in everything I do. I pray that God establishes the work of my hands. Like David prayed in the Psalms. And whatever I do with my hands, I want to be founded and created out of hands and a heart devoted to glorifying God first and only. Not just above all... but only.

So. That's all I'll say right now. Maybe you'll see a picture soon. Maybe.... tomorrow.

Convenience

I was expecting this. Honestly, I'm not sure what to say. It's the strangest thing in the world to be home. I am so independent. It's one of the best places in the world... home. Under the same roof as my family. The people I would die for a thousand times and then some. I love sleeping in the same room as my sisters. Some of them... the others are in the room across the hall. I love when Zach bangs on the wall because Cal and Soph and I are too loud in the middle of the night.

I love walking down the stairs when I'm just barely awake and finding the little girls on the benches at the bar eating bowels of cereal in the morning. I love my piano room, and playing and singing songs that overflow from the unshed tears and the unvoiced laughter, and the unspoken dreams and thoughts of my innermost parts, and watching as my baby sisters creak open the door, and sneak on to the couch to listen. They think I don't see them, but I do.

I remember when Lena and Melodi were babies. Literally a week old or so. And we would all hold them and play the piano. Zach and Caleigh and I took it upon ourselves to expose our family members at the earliest ages possible to music. We wanted them to know it. We wanted them to love it. And they do. They all play. They all sing. And to my great happiness, they love to write. I love watching Olivia write in her journals I buy her. They copy us, and it's beautiful. Even if they don't love it forever, for now, I love that they enjoy music and writing, and art. Expression. Putting color to the unseen. Beauty.

So, you see... I'm just in such a strange place in my heart. In my life. I love this, but it's frustrating to be contained in a dependent state.

If you're keeping up with my blogs, you likely see how I constantly repeat that fact that I am only 20 years old... it's really just so strange. I, the queen of using words all the time... am at a loss for how to describe what this feels like right now. To be 20, the same age as all my friends who are only just going to be juniors at Greenville next Fall... and that's what I was two years ago. It's so strange, my friends.

Some things I've learned in this rather odd journey of being a girl, maybe a woman, who knows exactly what I want more often than not... life goes on. God gives and takes away. He is always Good. He is always loving on me so fully I cannot comprehend it. Any desires and dreams I have are only faint reflections of how much, how deeply, how innately I fully desire God... things just get distorted. It's not that I exactly "look for love in all the wrong places." It's that I don't realize how innately I really do desire God. How innately every human being does.

All of that energy of desiring things, and people... it's just a reflection, or a misdirection of the arrows shot from the bow on my shoulders as I aim from my heart.

And this... we never really know. We expect that when we graduate from high school, we should know what we're gonna do in college. But we don't. We expect that when we're done our first year of college, we're gonna just know the ropes. But we don't. There's more. We expect that graduating from college means we know who we're going to spend our lives with, and what job we'll have for the rest of time, and where we'll live once and for all. But we don't.

We're all just living life. Figuring things out as the answers come. But they don't always come when we ask for the answers. So often they come while we're on to the next questions. Convenience is but a world of our imagination.

And so I end with this. I battle my imagination right now. I'm faced with reality, and much of it is absolutely wonderfully exciting. The mean time is the space between now and then. And I fully wish I were in the "then." I cannot wait for Nashville. I can't wait to embrace my independence again. I love it. But the purgatory I feel right now is beautiful though it is painful as well. And a time God is happy, and glad to give me.

So that's it. Reality knocks.

NBD

I am home. And I'm not sure what to say right now. There are a lot of things I could say, but I don't want to say any of those things. I'd much rather sing them.

It's surreal and very odd, this place in my life.

God keeps reminding me He has a plan for my life though, in random, wonderful and awesome ways.

I'm thankful, and I'm free falling.

And I'm just very glad I have a piano in my house.

And so concludes my first blog after graduating from college.

I'm a college grad. NBD.

Bam.

One more day

I'm getting ready for a photo shoot with Zach and Cal for music stuff. I am a mess. Saying goodbye to people is killing me quickly. Even saying goodbye to my room, and the sidewalk I trip on all the time, and the silly fake flowers I eat next to every single day here...

This is the most miserable time. Sure I'm happy and genuinely excited. That's my character. It's my personality to be super excited about the next adventure. But I just wish I were going right to Nashville or something... it's going to be really difficult to be back under my parent's roof. I adore my family. Most of you know that. But I'm extremely independent. Especially after being at school, I have my own life. And It's so difficult to go back to needing to notify someone whenever I do anything. I love being on my own. I love living my life. I love my family, and when I'm without them, I miss them all the time.

But I just wish I were going right to Nashville. I'm ready for the next thing. It's difficult not letting home seem like a purgatory type of place before I live the rest of my life.

I really haven't been blogging much lately. That shouldn't be surprising with graduation happening tomorrow. One more day friends!

I'm just glad that half of Gville will be in Nashville eventually. I am so happy for that true thing. I'm so glad that half of my best friends will be abroad in NAshville in the Spring. Party. For the win. \

I'm done college, people. How the heck did this happen?! I'm only 20. I feel the weight of the emptiness of that age right now. I could have been here 2 more years. But I do honestly believe it's a Godhthing. He is not surprised I'm only 20. He has a plan. And I'm excited. And seriously dreading saying goodbye so many time.


Ok that's all for now.

People

I simply wish there were more hours in the day. Or that I at least didn't need as much sleep as I do.

I've been a silly girl lately, my friends. I don't care about sleep. I don't care about the homework I should get done. I don't care about anything but spending time with my friends. I love them. And I wish they were all coming to Nashville with me in August.

So Basically, I don't care about any grades. I don't care about looking pretty and sleeping the right amount. I just wanna be awake and with my friends and basically.... just with them. I love them so much.

I just love people.

That's all I wanted to say.

A new dream

I don't remember if I blogged about this or not...

Back in December, something I felt God speak to me was this. That He is pouring into me a new dream.

It was a word I knew He was speaking to me. Something He was mending me with. A restoration. Something as fulfilling as rain. Pouring. A new dream. Meaning, it's ok that "old dreams" are of the past. Because there is something new.

I began to feel little by little that God was leading me in a direction somewhat unexpected.

So now I'm weeks away from graduation. I'm 20 years old. I'll have my Bachelor's degree in music, I'm single and I'm moving to Nashville in August.

A few years ago, I would have no doubt expected to say, "I'm 20 years old, (probably) graduating, engaged (or married) and about to live with my husband (if I wasn't already married), and working in a church.

That was my expectation. I planned on teaching my adorable wonderful homeschooled students. Making a living in New Jersey. Being with the people I love. And marrying a man I loved. Whoever he might have been.

But you know what? My life is completely different.

Sure, I desire a husband and a family.

But It's more like I'm open to that sometime in the future than waiting for it.

I feel for the first time (a phrase that's becoming extremely common lately) that I am more and more filled with this new dream. Flooded. Like I'm back floating really. It's comfortable. I'm at peace. Even though I don't know where the current is taking me exactly.

He is changing me. He is changing my heart, and taking me to new places. Places I do not know. Places I am unfamiliar with.

I am so encouraged right now. Taking a step of faith is so necessary. Moving forward when we're unsure is an incredible thing. He WILL meet us. He's right here... sometimes the fear and uncertainty is just overwhelming. But He is DOING a work. Sometimes we expect that He's already done it, and act like we're lacking and in the wrong, when really, He's only told us He is DOING something. It's not done yet. We're to prepare.

It's like God says, "We're going to Florida!" And we're still in Arizona. And it's the desert, not the beach. Suddenly we panic. There's no beach here! Something must be wrong.

Ahem. He said we're going. He didn't say we're there yet.

And sometimes we have more to prepare than other times.

So I guess I'm preparing still.

But it's gonna be a good time.

And for the record, I have no idea how I'm gonna get to Florida. Yet again, it's gonna be a good time.

Ok, out of the metaphor... I'm about to board my plane. Fare thee well.

White

Hello all!

I am currently at the Philly airport, waiting for my flight to Chicago. Then to St. Louis. I have 2 more weeks of classes, and then finals and then graduation. My life is amazing. And so unplanned in so many ways. I have a lot of thoughts to share...

OK, so the past 10 days I spent at home, in Jersey. Laura and Ben got married yesterday and it was breath taking. Laura was the most beautiful bride I've seen. She's married now!! All I kept thinking about during the whole ceremony as one of her brides maids was a day we spent at beach 3 in Medford Lakes, maybe 2 years ago. I remember wearing a charcoal t-shirt, and a pair of navy blue shorts on that summer day. We put our feet in the water as we sat on the dock, and talked.

Laura was so downcast. It was such a confusing time in her life. I remember it well. And then last night... the moment she walked down the aisle, holding onto her father's arm, towards Ben, who couldn't look away from the vision of the woman he's waited for all his life... I couldn't help but cry. They'd made it to the other side. God brought them together. And I got to see it all happen. From the other side, the crossing over, and then the wedding.

And then hearing them say their beautiful vows, and watching them light the unity candle, watching Ben and Laura put their heads together to pray during the special music... words cannot express.

I hope I continue to get to be a part of Laura's and Ben's lives.

It was like a holy moment when Laura walked in with her dad last night. Everyone was quiet. It was such a moment in history in all of our lives. To be witnesses of such a beautiful moment. Such a beautiful thing, such an anticipated and prayed for event.

And Laura was so pure. And presented to her Groom. White. Lovely. She had been kept pure, and we could all share in the joy in the union that God crafted.

I could go on and on.

But I'm going to stop here.